DH left me via an email

[INeedToEat]

I was on holiday with the kids (alone), the day before we were meant to leave (yesterday) I get an email from DH of 13 years saying he has packed up and left. That he has got a flat somewhere but is first going away for over a week and his phone will be turned off. WTF. Oh and I can tell his son or he will tell him when he gets back. Now this isn't some wanker of a bloke, oh no - this one is one of the good ones usually. Hard working, rarely goes out, sober, kind and of course a good father yes really.

Our relationship to be fair could be better, we rarely properly talked and lead pretty individual lives - we have never discussed splitting up and never argue. No obvious signs of an affair but wouldn't be surprised.

I haven't eaten since I got the email. I have been in a haze , walking from one thing to another. I have told my son, he is beside himself particularly because of the no contact. It is killing me watching him in so much pain.

Any practical or emotional support welcomed. I can not think straight.

[INeedToEat]

Lil so sorry you are going through this too (and the rest of you !) Thank you all for posting and keeping me company particularly as many of you are also suffering.

[m0therofdragons]

I don't have lots of good advice but in your position I think I would book a last minute holiday for you and the dc and take them away. You all need a treat and a distraction together xx

[MexicanSpringtime]

Sorry for you pain, OP. And no real advice to give.

You mention that are already taking medicine for anxiety. I know nothing more about you than what you have posted here, but is it possible that the lack of communication in your relationship is what brought on the anxiety?

In which case you can look forward to eventually getting off the meds and feeling a lot better.

[Egghead68]

"I want my mind to make up its mind on what it is feeling"

It will do. Just give it time. Concentrate on getting through the day for now.

Sorry you're in this situation.

[INeedToEat]

I have had anxiety for 23 years due to a medical complication I had as a teenager. Anxiety is probably the wrong word as I am not remotely an anxious person in the normal sense - it is more like panic disorder about death and dying. I got used to the lack of communication and turned to some friends for the old brain stimulation and I guess ignored my other feelings.

My sister and her DH are here. Her DH putting up desk for son (that his father should have done) We were meant to be going shopping today for things for sons room (new bed, wardrobes etc). I will order it on line now and put up myself.

I have had a shower. First one since Thursday and have changed my clothes.
...and I did an online shop - something i have never done before (Coward used to do it all as i hate shopping).

Going back to my sisters in a while so she can feed son ...I will attempt to eat something.

Thank you for continuing to post. So helpful.

[starlight1234]

Well done for doing an online shop and showering.
Online shopping is easier and quicker once you get used to it.

It will do you good to get out

[MillyDots]

Let your sister take care of you for a bit. It will do you good.

[StoneTheFlamingCrows]

Change the locks before he comes home so he can't just saunter in.

Message him and tell him to tell you exactly what time he is coming over, and that he is only allowed in at that time.

Have his stuff packed and ready for him to take, and have somebody there to support you.

I think he should take your son out somwhere close by for an agreed amount of time so hecan explain things to him, if that is what your son wants.

So sorry you are going through this. X

[StoneTheFlamingCrows]

Or go away as pp have suggested!

Probably a far better idea. Defo change locks and pack his stuff up. Will be cathartic.

Are you able to get time off work?

[kalidasa]

Well done! Doing the shop online is a faff the first time or two but then becomes a big timesaver. It's harder to 'impulse buy' as well I find so good for the budget. A lot of sites will let you keep a list/basket of essentials as a starting point each time. Managing yourself the first few things he always used to do is a big milestone, congratulations! Hope your son is ok, what rough timing for him with the new school coming up as well.

[INeedToEat]

Back from sisters and have eaten a full roast. Feeling better for it. For some reason I have a calm feeling at the moment...and I was able to keep a panic attack away earlier.

I have decided that I will go away for three days when he is due back. Just need to organise it.

I haven't done a large shop for 13 years - it was weird.

Had an email from Coward. He is sorry he done it this way but his head is all over the place and 'What I have done, I know in the long run will be the right thing for all concerned'. Coward. He really believes it. I have not replied although I really want too. I do not know what to say for the best - what do I say?

I have his stuff packed.

[Holdthepage]

Silence is a very powerful weapon.

[Vivacia]

Absolute radio silence.

[upthedamnwotsit]

Don't respond. When people like him have convinced themselves that they're in the right the only thing engaging with them will do is act as reinforcement. Whatever you say, he'll twist it in his mind to back up what he's done and so it fits with his worldview (status currently: I'm doing the best thing for everyone and am not a Grade A wankbadger). Don't fuel his fantasy. Offer him nothing.

[INeedToEat]

Really? God I know you are right but it is so hard... I will write it here instead..

Dear Coward

Yes splitting up is probably the right thing to do. However, for you to plan this without just talking to me is cowardly you dick. Can you not imagine the damage you have done to your son by disappearing. Disappearing might be what you needed but you are a parent and your son's needs come first ....you utter cunt. You could have at least left via an email (you pussy) but stayed been around to see your son the following day. Coward cunt.

[EverythingCounts]

Given that you've said the house is yours, I would change the locks. He can choose to disappear like this with no warning, but having done it I don't see why he should get totally free choice about walking back in again when he pleases, even if it's just to collect his stuff.

[EverythingCounts]

Yes, write any emails to him here or keep them in draft, but don't send them. He can understand how it feels to be off guard and not know what is in the other person's head, for a change.

[butterfliesinmytummy]

Well done, good email, good for maintaining radio silence and good that you have eaten. You're getting some physical and mental strength back and calm feeling is good too. It's not a straight or flat road from here on but you'll never again feel as bad as that gutless email made you feel.

[FrontForward]

I think lack of contact is vile. So I think you should give him the same. He will find it difficult no knowing how you feel - I know you want to tell him but honestly I think silence will say far more

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

Well done! I totally agree, remain silent. It's the strongest thing to do, I suspect he is looking for some reaction/confirmation of his actions from you (bizarrely).

I agree about changing the locks too.

[WhereTheWildlingsAre]

And ranting here is a brilliant idea (have you read wellwhoknew's thread?)

[INeedToEat]

I have indeed read wellwho's thread (and posted on it.. name changed). Unfortunately my writing is not as fantastic or whitty as hers. She has been so strong. I have just text sister asking her if her dh will do it for me.
Thank you all again.

[starlight1234]

What a complete nob head..You can't contact me but I will contact you at will ..

You post reminded me of my ex. I found a womans number on phone bill. I found out he had been having an affair. I phoned bout 4.30 in the afternoon and asked her if she had safe sex. At 11pm he phoned up and said he thought I might want to talk to him. I said no and put down the phone. Those hours waiting to see what was coming was clearly bothering him. I refused to access to my feelings ever again.

I think your silence will bother him more and empower you.

You do sound stronger than the beginning of this thread. x

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello!

On day 3 I can assure you I couldn't write. I certainly didn't have wit. I didn't tell a soul. I still pretended everything was 'okay' with people I had to interact with. I hadn't seen a solicitor at that point, I hoped he'd 'see' sense, I desperately wanted him to come home, I had no idea of the fuckwittery ahead. I wasn't coping, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I had no idea that he had planned this, and how carefully. I had no idea why he had done what he'd done.

I still don't. Every possible reason for it has been explored, questioned, evaluated and left unresolved. I have decided not to let it fuck with my head. He's done it - I merely have to survive it.

I have learnt: I can only make the decisions to manage this. He made the decision to do it. In that sense, I work on how to detach. I still allow myself moments of weakness, and self-pity, and rage! I hate him sometimes, and worry about him others. I miss him a lot - the man I knew, not the man I'm learning about.

But all I can do is match his level of selfishness: after all, I believe women should have equal rights.

I was pitiful. If you are pitiful: then I think you're doing okay! It's exactly how you're supposed to feel given he's fucked off without even considering how you might feel about that, the impact it has on your son, - or how you're going to cope with it!

All I knew on Day 3 was that a) he'd gone and b) he'd petitioned for divorce because we'd been separated for two years (!) c) I had been reduced to a snotty wreck.

You don't have my b). You do have a dependent son: that adds a whole new level of complexity.

Therefore - you do not admonish yourself for getting anxious, breaking down, for not coping, for not being strong. You need to build a support network - they will walk you forward. You do this because you have to.

The Coward's way out is not acceptable. Not to you, not to me, not to anyone. He is The Coward.

Three months down the line - I'm two stone lighter, I'm bored, I still cry - but I laugh too. My divorce dominates my life (well it bloody well would, wouldn't it: with an attention seeking drama queen of a STBXH!) - and I've found an outlet, and built up a helluva support network: not because I'm pitiful (I am!) but because a) I pay people to support me and b) there are amazing people out there who are amazing.

It's the b) that makes the differences. One man is not sufficient enough to wipe out the brilliance of people.

It is merely 'one foot in front of the other': I'm no Maoist: but as he said 'every journey starts with a single step'.

Mao never said it would be graceful!

[tribpot]

Heh heh. That wasn't Mao, it is an ancient saying. I like the suggested alternative translation: Even the longest journey must begin where you stand

And in the words of Yazz (although she didn't write it really) "The only way is up". Keep on keeping on.