Hello!
On day 3 I can assure you I couldn't write. I certainly didn't have wit. I didn't tell a soul. I still pretended everything was 'okay' with people I had to interact with. I hadn't seen a solicitor at that point, I hoped he'd 'see' sense, I desperately wanted him to come home, I had no idea of the fuckwittery ahead. I wasn't coping, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. I had no idea that he had planned this, and how carefully. I had no idea why he had done what he'd done.
I still don't. Every possible reason for it has been explored, questioned, evaluated and left unresolved. I have decided not to let it fuck with my head. He's done it - I merely have to survive it.
I have learnt: I can only make the decisions to manage this. He made the decision to do it. In that sense, I work on how to detach. I still allow myself moments of weakness, and self-pity, and rage! I hate him sometimes, and worry about him others. I miss him a lot - the man I knew, not the man I'm learning about.
But all I can do is match his level of selfishness: after all, I believe women should have equal rights.
I was pitiful. If you are pitiful: then I think you're doing okay! It's exactly how you're supposed to feel given he's fucked off without even considering how you might feel about that, the impact it has on your son, - or how you're going to cope with it!
All I knew on Day 3 was that a) he'd gone and b) he'd petitioned for divorce because we'd been separated for two years (!) c) I had been reduced to a snotty wreck.
You don't have my b). You do have a dependent son: that adds a whole new level of complexity.
Therefore - you do not admonish yourself for getting anxious, breaking down, for not coping, for not being strong. You need to build a support network - they will walk you forward. You do this because you have to.
The Coward's way out is not acceptable. Not to you, not to me, not to anyone. He is The Coward.
Three months down the line - I'm two stone lighter, I'm bored, I still cry - but I laugh too. My divorce dominates my life (well it bloody well would, wouldn't it: with an attention seeking drama queen of a STBXH!) - and I've found an outlet, and built up a helluva support network: not because I'm pitiful (I am!) but because a) I pay people to support me and b) there are amazing people out there who are amazing.
It's the b) that makes the differences. One man is not sufficient enough to wipe out the brilliance of people.
It is merely 'one foot in front of the other': I'm no Maoist: but as he said 'every journey starts with a single step'.
Mao never said it would be graceful!