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Original poster

Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

306 replies

fernley · 08/07/2014 11:13

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2014 11:16

I'm with your DH I'm afraid. You're right that there's nothing you could have done about the broken arm but it's a pretty serious injury and I think most parents would have dropped everything in that kind of circumstance and wanted to be with the child. A cold is not a life-threatening emergency. Colds can keep...

greenbottlepurplefork · 08/07/2014 11:21

I think if I was out with friends and got a call that my DD had broken her arm my stomach would have fallen out of my arse and I would run through fields of raging bulls to get to her. There maybe nothing practical to help at the hospital but you can provide reassurance by your presence and offer cuddles and kisses etc.

greenbottlepurplefork · 08/07/2014 11:23

I think if it was on the other foot and my DD's father decided to continue being out with friends I would be furious by his selfish behaviour. A child breaking an arm would be very stressful for both the other parent and the child and you may not be able to fix the broken arm but you can provide emotional support.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/07/2014 11:23

Your husband was the one who needed you by his side at the hospital, not just your son and that's why he's angry with your apparent lack of concern. You haven't let your child down, you've let your husband down. I'd be angry with you, too.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 08/07/2014 11:26

I agree with your DH. If one of my DCs had broken a limb I would move mountains to get there.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/07/2014 11:26

If my DH rang to say that he was at hosp with ds and simple broken arm, I wouldn't be too worried. DS loves his dad, is v tough and they would probably both be laughing about it, perfectly happy without me.

So I'd finish up what I was doing, and ask if they wanted to meet me at hosp or at home. I certainly wouldn't panic or rush, we are a v laid back family about injuries (get a lot on the farm) and DC are tough.

If it was a message to say there were serious or unknown injuries, obv I'd be straight there. But for a broken arm that was already being casted I'd probably just say 'silly beggar' and meet them at home. I don't think my DH would expect me to rush either.

Thinking on it, DS dislocated his shoulder a while ago and I just packed him into the car and went off to hosp. DH stayed home to get on with jobs. I didn't expect him to come, so why different the other way around?

newnamesamegame · 08/07/2014 11:28

I think the "maternal instincts" line was a bit uncalled for, but I am also slightly shocked that you waited the best part of an hour before leaving.

And by the way that would apply equally if you were a bloke and if you were in an urgent meeting, its not "maternal" but about being a parent and a family member.

As others have pointed out, its irrelevant whether you were able to offer practical support in the time, its the idea that you have prioritized time socializing with friends over a sick child who needs parental support.

onedogatoddlerandababy · 08/07/2014 11:28

Well I take your point that you parent jointly and if your dh phoned at the point of cast being put on, I can see why there was no 'need' for you to be there.
However, 6 is still little and I'd have thought most kids would want their mum there. I'd also think that you'd had most of the day with friends by 7pm, so not as if your whole planned get together was cut hugely short.

Otoh, I could see the complaints being levelled against you if you'd come on and said your husband was fed up with you coming running at any and every situation and that he's equally capable of parenting Grin

So I guess only your son can decide if ywbu or not Smile

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/07/2014 11:28

Oh dear I'm in the minority!

If he was with anyone else but his dad I'd be straight there, obvs.

SandwichBag · 08/07/2014 11:31

Sorry I agree with the others and completely understand why your DH was upset.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/07/2014 11:31

And by the way that would apply equally if you were a bloke and if you were in an urgent meeting, its not "maternal" but about being a parent and a family member.

Would you expect your DH to leave an urgent meeting if your child broke its arm? I wouldn't. Surely if one parent is there the other one doesn't need to be losing income to attend?

Apologies if that's not what you meant! :)

Dirtybadger · 08/07/2014 11:34

I broke my arm as a kid. One parent came. There was no need for the other. They were out and came home a few hours after I was sorted.

I would probably have gone home earlier to meet them/gone to the shop to buy ds a treat for being brave, though. But no I don't think I'd go to hospital if they sounded sorted.

SummerSazz · 08/07/2014 11:34

I don't think you did anything wrong OP. To me there seems to be massive overreaction on this thread. If the child was distraught and screaming for mummy then fine, bit if happy being sorted by the docs and daddy then no need for both parents to be there for a broken arm.

Ratbagcatbag · 08/07/2014 11:35

I think it was a mean comment. I'm assuming you asked how everyone was etc, if your child was crying for you fine, but otherwise I can see why you left dad to deal with it.

My dh went on a night out, dd (9 months) wasn't great, I rang 111, they sent ambulance, dh came back immediately but ambulance crew gave ok, but advised walk in centre as could get nasty. I dropped dh back in town on the way to walk in centre. It didn't need both of us.

MrsWinnibago · 08/07/2014 11:36

A child breaking a bone is traumatic....most parents would drop everything and go to their child immediately. Sorry OP but your DH was right. It's an odd reaction that you had...how could you stay for another 45 minutes knowing your child might be crying in pain and afraid??

cailindana · 08/07/2014 11:38

A few things about this situation strike me as weird:

  1. He texted you rather than ringing you
  2. He texted you when the cast was being put on, not when the child actually broke his arm
  3. You didn't ring him
  4. You didn't ask him if he needed any help or if he would like you to come to the hospital
  5. He didn't ask you to come to the hospital, even though he clearly wanted you to
  6. Your DS's reaction to the whole thing hasn't been mentioned at all
  7. He was "furious" you went away when your son had a cold. That is seriously odd.

It sounds to me like you two don't work as a team at all. Am I right?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2014 11:39

How old was the cousin at home with the 9yo watching TV?

dashoflime · 08/07/2014 11:40

I would have stayed out. Child was with DH and being seen to by doctors. It doesn't take two parents to sort it out.
I wouldn't expect DH to rush home if it was me either.

Willyoulistentome · 08/07/2014 11:40

I agree with your DH too I'm afraid.
Hope your child is feeling better .

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 08/07/2014 11:41

I'd leave immediately. and agree with cailin's point's too.

OurMiracle1106 · 08/07/2014 11:41

My question would also be why the hell wasn't I called sooner? He obviously had to take him to the hospital and have x rays done see doctors etc before a cast would be put on. Surely he should have phoned as soon as he was taking ds to hospital.

I think he was a bit late calling if he expected you to be there but you did need to be with your child

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 08/07/2014 11:42

*points

IsItMeOr · 08/07/2014 11:42

It does sound a bit as if your DH may lack confidence in dealing with sick/injured DCs. So maybe this was more about him needing your support than your DS?

I think I would rely on my DH to let me know what help/support he needed from me. So I have dropped everything at work when DS was 2 and had hand, foot and mouth and DH sent an SOS call because he couldn't figure out how to stop DS screaming and he'd been at it non-stop for an hour. But that was because DH asked, rather than anything else. It was also in the early days of DH doing SAHP days (we both work part time and split care between us).

I would suggest a talk with your DH when everybody has calmed down a bit. It's okay for him to need and ask for support in parenting crises. It's not okay for him to question your maternal instinct because you're not a mind-reader.

greenbottlepurplefork · 08/07/2014 11:46

It suggests that the OP did not get in contact after the text message from her husband to ascertain or not whether she was needed. Surely that would be the first thing to do after receiving a text like that, give your husband a ring? They would have been able to decide whether she should go to the hospital or stay on with friends etc. I think it's all very well if your out and something like this happens where it is decided between the parents that the situation is fine and the other should stay out etc. However, in this case, the husband clearly did want the OP to come home.

Twinklestein · 08/07/2014 11:51

I totally agree with ifyourawizard

Only one of us would take them to A&E unless it was unknown, really serious, or we had strong views about treatment. I don't see that an extra parent fannying about the hospital would be of any use waiting would be of any use.

Does he normally make a fuss about dealing with the children on his own OP? Or only when they're ill/hurt...