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Original poster

Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

306 replies

fernley · 08/07/2014 11:13

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/07/2014 12:24

Another one totally agreeing with your DH here. It's not about whether another adult was "needed" at the hospital, it's about being there for your child when she is in pain.

I could have understood if you were at work & worked in a field where you couldn't just up and leave (teaching, nursing, care etc. etc.). But to carry on a social engagement - really?

I don't actually know anyone in RL who would have carried on chatting for another 45 minutes. And it doesn't matter even a little bit whether your social engagements are "planned" or not!

nowahousewife · 08/07/2014 12:29

I am surprised that your DH didn't call you sooner and perhaps that's a separate issue to the broken arm.

DS one has had so many broken bones, stitches etc and generally only one of us goes as the other has to stay home with DD. I don't get this need many posters have expressed that they must rush to their child's side as it will need them. DH is just as capable at giving them comfort, making decisions about their treatment etc as me. Wouldn't want to be married to a man that wasn't!

I love my children absolutely and the thought of anything ever happening to them terrifies me but I don't believe making a big drama out of a simple broken arm is good for anyone.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 08/07/2014 12:29

OP wasn't given the option of being there for her child when he was in pain, though -- she wasn't even told about it until they were past that stage.

IrianofWay · 08/07/2014 12:33

Perhaps that was the first opportunity for him to ring the OP.

saintlyjimjams · 08/07/2014 12:33

I suspect your DH was feeling upset and a bit stressed and he got mad at you because he had to do it on his own. Not nice to deal with a child who is in pain and scared when there is another parent available. Of course you weren't needed in a practical sense but he might well have appreciated moral support

In which case he should have told her before it got to casting. If dh had coped with getting to hospital, triage, waiting hours, x ray then I'm not sure why there would need to be a mad sudden rush to get there while being cast. You're just about on the way out the door then, it's unlikely the OP would even have got there on time.

saintlyjimjams · 08/07/2014 12:33

before they left I mean.

saintlyjimjams · 08/07/2014 12:37

Perhaps that was the first opportunity for him to ring the OP

But she's not a mind reader, so as she didn't know about it then what more could she do except go home. I wouldn't have rushed because I would have assumed it would have taken them a while to get home. But had I gone to hospital I would probably have arrived after they left. Not really seeing the issue, maybe the OP could have seen her son 5 or 10 minutes earlier, does it make that much difference?

IrianofWay · 08/07/2014 12:38

I was simply trying to explain why H might have reacted the way he did.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 08/07/2014 12:54

Tbh I can't believe how many people would literally drop everything to speed to their child who had what is in essence, a minor injury when there was already a parent with it!

But such is the variety of life :)
Just surprising!

Original poster
fernley · 08/07/2014 13:02

The weekend away involves the children as well. We both work. I do school runs. He is away on business a couple of times a year and maybe a weekend away by himself. I have a week away with the children with my family every year and usually a weekend on my own with girlfriends once a year. We usually have a family holiday every year together and 3/4 weekends away.

OP posts:
flipchart · 08/07/2014 13:05

I was simply trying to explain why H might have reacted the way he did.

This is the problem with MN and answers that people give. They try and guess how people feel without knowing any background, the emotions of people involved, any underlying stresses,or personalities.

bibliomania · 08/07/2014 13:05

Not intended to be judgy, as people respond differently. But in your shoes, I wouldn't have been sitting around chatting with friends simply because I would have been too distacted by thoughts of how my dc was and whether he/she wanted me. And if you were my friend and were sitting there chatting to me after getting a text like that, I'd be a bit surprised. It's just that hurt child comes above chat with friends as a priority.

In these circs, I wouldn't judge your H's comment too harshly. After dealing with a situation like this, you have adrenalin flowing through you and can get hyped up and say something you wouldn't ordinarily say.

If it's the kind of thing he would ordinarily say, well, then you may have a legitimate grievance.

LumieresForMe · 08/07/2014 13:10

irian I agree with your analysis, that he was upset because he had to do it all on his own. But surely that's the issue? Why should he get upset?
This father was fully in charge on his children. One of then happened to brake his arm. Is it really that bad to expect him to stay in charge on his own and not need some support for what is, in the skim if things, not such a big injury.
Tbh I would be concerned if my DH thought he needed me as soon as there is a bit if an emergency. I need to be able to trust he will be able to deal with all emergencies iyswim.
On the other hand, the OP ensure she got back home at about the same time than her ds which is the best her DH allowed her to do (ie he didn't text straight away so she couldn't have got there before)
There is also the expectation there that she would be contactable and would be aware of a text straight away. I know that I wouldn't be. I find it very easy to miss the bling of a text if I am in the middle of a conversation.

LumieresForMe · 08/07/2014 13:14

fenley how much hw is your DH doing? I mean if he is that concerned about the impact that going away will have on HW I assume he us doing most of it? Or actually he isn't doing that much hw and the ent is just a way to make you feel bad about going away?

CarryOn90 · 08/07/2014 13:16

I think your husbands comment was uncalled for but to be completely honest I can understand why he said it in a moment of anger.

I don't know many mothers who could sit there chatting with friends having just found out their child was in hospital, in pain, probably afraid and wanting their mum. I'm baffled as to why you had no desire to go to your child and comfort them and care for them, regardless as to whether you could've actually "done" anything.

Chattymummyhere · 08/07/2014 13:18

I couldn't of just stayed out knowing my child was in hospital with a broken arm, I would of been there as fast as I could get there I also know my husband would be very upset about this happening in his care and would need me just as much as the child.

kaykayblue · 08/07/2014 13:19

No I think you acted like a normal human being who has a social life, and hasn't sacrificed their entire physical existence to their children.

So in my view, a good parent.

Your child broke an arm - yes it's distressing, but there isn't much you can do about it. He had his dad with him, you deserve some time off for fucks sake, and provided that you help out as soon as you get back and take the pressure off dad, then I think that's fine.

Some of the responses on here sort of freak me out. It's like extreme helicopter parenting of precious little Hugo.

When I broke my arm when I was little I had to take some paracetamol, go upstairs and "stop whining" as my parents were having a dinner party.

Breaking an arm is not the end of the world. Getting a cold isn't even very remarkable. Your child can survive without you for 45 minutes ffs.

bibliomania · 08/07/2014 13:29

fernley, I do get your point. If your family has a fair amount of experience with this kind of thing and you know your dc isn't going to be too fazed, I can understand being more laid-back about it.

Dd (touch wood) hasn't broken any bones, and while I love her dearly, she is not a stoic child when it comes to physical injury. I'm not saying I'd drop everything, depending on the importance of what I was doing, but would I cut short a chat with friends? Yup.

OnesEnough · 08/07/2014 13:29

Sorry with your DH too.

Wild horses wouldn't keep me away if my child was injured regardless of the treatment stage.

IMO a big part of a mother's (and father's) role is to show integrity and moral support in these sorts of circumstances, and you didn't.

LumieresForMe · 08/07/2014 13:39

But how many dads would actually run to be at the hospital with their dc? And how many would see it is ok for them to come back when it's time/to be there when the child is back home?
Because I know what my DH would do. Dc is in safe hands so he wouldn't see it as a problem not to rush to hospital. And that would be seen as ok by most. But not if it's the mum doing that??

rosepetalsoup · 08/07/2014 13:40

I do think it sounds a bit weird sorry OP.

saintlyjimjams · 08/07/2014 13:41

All of those saying she should have rushed to her child's side in hospital. Can you not see the child was being cast so about to be sent home? Why on earth would you rush to hospital.

I would have phoned DH, asked when he thought they might be home & arranged to meet them there. If I has been contacted earlier I might have gone to hospital or sorted out a sibling or whatever but a set broken arm about to be sent home? No I'd let DH continue to deal with it. If for some reason he desperately needed me somewhere he'd tell me.

CurtWild · 08/07/2014 13:45

I'm sorry but I'm with your DH on this one. Would it have killed you to leave your social gathering a little early? No. But will your DS remember the time he broke his arm and his mummy prioritised her chat with friends over going to him? Very probably.

It's not a case of whether you could do anything or not, it's a case of which is more important..chatting and socialising a bit longer or nipping off early to be with your DC who was in pain and still very small. For me, there's no competition, I'd have been off like a shot.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 13:48

Not much you can do with the cold, one parent can handle it but broken arm is different.

nowahousewife · 08/07/2014 13:48

Isn't all this dropping everything and rushing to the hospital rather undermining the father? Do all the posters who say they who'd need to comfort their child not have faith in the parent who is already there with the child?