Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

Perhaps whether the DMs posting are SAHM or not is a valid point.

Perhaps all those insisting they must be at their children's bedsides are all SAHMs and they justify their existence on earth by being the only person who can care for their DCs 'properly' so must be with them at all times.

I would have done the same as you OP and I agree that some of the replies have been completely OTT. When society gets it's collective head around the fact that men are actually just as capable of good parenting as women that could have real positive implications for changes in things like maternity/paternity leave, flexible working hours for mothers and fathers etc and genuinely help us move towards more equal opportunities.

Maybe the 'maternal instinct' is just a social construct anyway, used to keep women in the home and shame us into feeling as though we should completely subjugate our own needs for our families, therefore benefitting the patriarchy.

Oh fgs what the op did was fine!
Fwiw I am a sahm, I bfed until three years of age, wore slings, co slept and I would still leave then with their dad in this situation.

It's nothing to do with maternal instinct or being a sahm, he was fine with his dad!

er well I'm not only at SAHM (I haven't worked since I was pregnant with my eldest who is now 13) I also home educate our children & spend seemingly endless time with them but I still wouldn't have rushed to the hospital under the circumstances the OP describes. We've got four kids & have had many A&E visits & quasi medical emergencies.

The only times dh & I have both been at the hospital was i) when dd1 needed surgery - she'd been on holiday with a group at the time & was very upset & needed to see both of us & ii) when dd2 was investigated for cancer and, while one or the other of us could've managed perfectly well without the other, we needed to be together as we were silently freaking out. It doesn't sound like either was the case with OP's dh & ds (I hope your ds is recovering well btw).

I would have done the same as you OP. If roles reversed I would have sent a FYI this has happened if you get home before we do kind of text.

If it was serious/life threatening/urgent I would have been there like a shot.

I was in hospital roughly 8 times under the age of 16, my dad only came once. I've never held it against him! And my mum didn't believe me when I broke my arm, I don't hold it against her either!!

Agree with flipchart about everything being a drama and them not learning to cope.

Why on earth wouldn't your Dh have called you when it happened??? That is what I find most odd.

If he had, you could have discussed what to do.

I'd want to be at the hospital even though I trust my Dh in all aspects of care. And I know Dh would equally want to be there. If one of us was out/work etc the other would still phone to let us know what had happened.

I'd be so very angry if it got to cast stage & I hadn't been told.

Fernley was your DS ok with you not being there? He wasn't upset or anything?

Cos I reckon if he was fine with his dad dealing with it (in the magical imaginary world where I was in a co-parenting relationship with someone who I actually felt capable of dealing with a non life threatening/emergency situation) I'd do the same as you... like you've said since your OP... maybe I'd have wanted to be at home to receive them back and dish out the tea and sympathy in hindsight, but other than that I don't think you did anything wrong.

Don't feel too bad. There's a lot of mummy mafia out there and they'll shoot you down for the slightest thing judging by some of the posts Ive read on the site. Just because they don't agree, doesn't make you any less of a caring 'maternal' mother than them, you just have to brace yourself when you post for support/advice that everyone from the smothering mothering brigade right through to....well whatever the other end of the spectrum is will have an opinion and it can sometimes seem like a very personal attack on your capabilities of a mother.

We all have different parenting styles and IMO your DH was OOO for saying you had no maternal instincts- far too harsh, although sounds like he was just having an angry moment cos he was panicked and had to deal with it on his own (as everyone knows the universe stops spinning without us mothers being on the bal and in control of all non-pub/football related emergencies at ALL times)- I doubt he genuinely thinks that though

xxxxx Good luck & try notto take what people say too much to heart (but don't you dare leave your DC's sides EVER again until they are at least 30!!!!) xxxxxx

milly the reason your question sounded sly was because you didn't say why it was your business. It came across to me like the Sally Bercow twitter incident with #innocentface. Almost like you are throwing one thing that always causes controversy ie SAHM v WOHM into an thread and finish it off with a 'just saying' to distance yourself.

That's how I read it. ( and still do)

I don't think you did anything wrong. Your DS had his dad with him.

I'm sure if it was a proper medical emergency you would be there like a shot but a broken arm is not life threatening.

I can't quite work out the timings but it sounds like there wouldn't have been time for you to get to the hospital before your DH and DS left.

Wow Flipchart you got all that from my post did you. Anyone who posts on any forum is laying themselves open to any and all questions. Its an open discussion and that's what people do. They ask questions to try and understand more but of course Im sure you know that. I didn't have to say why it was my business to ask a question. That's just silly. I think you just like to start arguments.

It was a feeling milly because if you have been around MN long enough you know dam well that the SAHM v WOHM is a contentious subject at the best of times. The employment status wasn't relevant. The crux of the argument is not only a broken bone but what the DH has said and heather it was justified.
People, including me , have just focused on the staying with friends bit with very few of us remembering that he was 'furious' when the Ds had a cold.

What we should be focussing on is why the DH is so angry.

We shouldn't be focusing on anything. At the end of the day this is between the OP and her husband. She has to live with him and get on with him and they have to make each other happy. Her husband is just as entitled to his opinion as she is to hers and your are to yours.

How dare you police threads and tell other posters what they say is wrong anyway. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Just because you don't agree, it doesn't mean that you are right. We all have our opinions and there is generally no right or wrong, just different ways of looking at things. I have seen from this thread that you love to pick holes in others posts so that's just who you are.

As it happens I don't know damn well about any discussions regarding stay at home mums verses working mums. My children are grown up so don't really delve into these sort of posts much. I have explained my question but still you insist that I am "sly" and had an agenda. The employment status was relevant to me which is why I asked it in my question.
I wonder if you are such an antagonist in real life or if you are just a keyboard warrior.

I will hide this thread now as I no longer have any desire to converse with you on this matter any further.

What we should be focussing on is why the DH is so angry

Agreed, the real question is what was behind DH's remarks and whether he gets grumpy being left to deal with the children generally.

I think your husband is a twonk. Maybe he just feels that women shouldn't have a right to lives of their own when they have children? And that it's beyond his remit to have to look after his own poorly kids?

You sound very angry Milly!

I love a good flounce!

If you make everything that happens to your DCs a major panicky issue you are setting them up to be not so good at coping when on their own.

This, all day long!
Rushing to the child, dropping everything and then flapping about like a big hen smothering said child in hugs and kisses tends to just wind them up more, surely?

I'm a SAHM (not that I think it matters!) bf for bloody ages and am pretty attached to DC, but I wouldn't feel the need to rush to hospital in this situation, when it was already almost over, they were just waiting for the cast.

One parent is there, surely this won't leave the child emotionally scarred?

What a load of emotive bullshit being spouted here!

I think it was uncaring to piss-fart around making your goodbyes for 45mins when your child was in pain and your dh needed your support.

In the same situation, I'd be as cross with my dh as your dh seems to be with you.

OP how much sooner would you have seen your son had toy gone straight home?

You not toy

Some of the comments here remind me of sanctimommy on fb!

I would have left immediately.

My friends do not trump my family.

Milly if you do read this after your spectacular flounce,
When you say I pick holes in other people's post, I think you mean I offer an alternative point of view.

The thread isn't about me,it's about how the OPs DH has spoken to her and made her feel, so you aren't hiding from me, but from a topic that I and others merely have opinions on. Some people agree with my thoughts some disagree. That doesn't make me a keyboard warrior. I have been honest about how things were in my domestic situation when something similar happened.

I didn't insist that you were sly, I backed up my thoughts why I thought you acted sly. It was the 'just curious' comment that like I said, too me, felt like the #innocentface debacle.

I did say we needed to focus on why the Ops DH is so furious over two incidents as she has come on to MN to air her thoughts and IMO has in a way asked for help regarding the issue.

I'm not staring arguments but getting involved in the discussion and debate.
I really can't understand why you have taken my comments so personal.

What a ridiculously hysterical thread. What use would you have been at the hospital?

If the child was on his own, then fine. He was with his dad ffs! It's hardly life threatening to break an arm.

If you had taken him to the hospital, would you have expected your h to dip everything and run to the hospital? To sit in the waiting room, car park, or crowd out the cubicle? How annoying for the staff.

Also, it's sounds like he only wants your activities to cease, not his own.

I'm with you OP.

Dip everything
Sorry, thread's getting a bit silly now so finding amusement in autocorrect fails.