Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

[saintlyjimjams]

OP if you had rushed off immediately how much sooner would you have seen your child (assuming you would have gone home as no- one in their right mind would have rush to hospital to see a child being cast (i.e about to be sent home) unless they happened to be right next door.

Ten minutes? Half an hour? An hour?

[saintlyjimjams]

Well quite nowa - I tend to assume DH is capable of soothing his own children.

Tbh he could do with some help when it's ds1 (so could I) but last time ds1 had an accident I was 2 hours away heading north on the M5. So DH abandoned work, collected ds1 from school & school very kindly sent along a favourite TA and an iPad. DH very grateful. I arrived home hours & hours later.

[5madthings]

Why should the op rush over if they knew what the injury was and it was being dealt with,

In out house one parent goes, the other if they are aavailable stays with the othDr children.

Plenty of Times I have had to take all five kids to the hospital when one hurts themselves as Dow is at work. I normally txt/call to let him k is what is going on and then try and arange a ftied to have the other kids but he often can't come ti'll he do finishes work and if he does its jsit to collect the other kids and take them home.

Last year ds3 damaged his eye and they were worried his retina was detaching, we were at a&e till the eearly hours and then had to go to hospital every dauthor for weeks, one of us took ds3 the other stayed home and dp went away for a week.

Ds1 was aadmitted and had to habeas emergency operation once, dp went and I stayed home withdrew other kids.

One parent is ccapable of ddealing with these thsigns you dont need both there.

[primeminister]

Seems to me quite a lot of these responses saying op should have rushed home are much more about needing to be needed than thinking about what the child needs. In a co-parenting family there is absolutely no point in both parents rushing to be with the child when it's a relatively minor injury.

[MrsWinnibago]

5Mad I think that for most parents, the desire to be beside their child is what makes them rush over....it's just that...nothing more...a need to see and reassure them and yourself of course that all is well.

Your son's injury and the arrangements was different to the OP's situation because your children needed looking after.

[CurtWild]

It's not really a case of whether both parents are needed there, or undermining of the parent who's present, it's the fact that OP's DH evidently thought she'd want to be there, and when she continued to prioritise her socialising over their injured 6 yo, he was upset.

If it was OP saying her DH had carried on socialising while she was at hospital with her DS, he'd have been accused of having skewed priorities.



Either way

[Softysoftlycatchymonkey]

I think if I was out with friends and got a call that my DD had broken her arm my stomach would have fallen out of my arse and I would run through fields of raging bulls to get to her. There maybe nothing practical to help at the hospital but you can provide reassurance by your presence and offer cuddles and kisses etc

^^ this.

And I know for a fact dp would do the same and had done.

[CurtWild]

Post too soon..

Either way, whether I was needed or not, I'd want to be there. As PP's have said, wild horses couldn't keep me away. It's all about priorities. My DC are my top one.

[5madthings]

Well yes I would want to be there but actually it's bot necessary and even when we have both Bern free to be there we wouldn't both go unless for some reason the child in question desperately wanted us there.

We have had numerous trips to a&e and the only times we both went were when ds1 was little, once you have more than one child it often isn't practical for both parents to be there.

The op was out, her dh dealt with the situation. When this happens with our kids one parent will deal with it and let the other know what us going on AND if they want or need the other parent they will say so! Which the ops dh did not.

It's a broken arm, not nice but was dealt with and by the point he txt there was nothing the op could do. It doesn't mean she isn't maternal and she isn't odd for not dashing their immediately.

Tbh I find the slight hysteria and needing to dash to your child's side slightly odd. Would I want to be there when my child had hurt themselves... Yes but I am perfectly capable of reasoning that they are with their dad and they are fine and he can and will look after them and so it's not necessary for me to go as well.

Whose need is being met? The parents who feels they must be there or the child's? Fair enough if the child is crying and asking for the other parent but if they are fine and the parent there us dealing with the situation there is no need for both to be there.

[rootypig]

Well there's nothing in what you say fernley that sounds out of the ordinary. I'm trying to work out what he could be so angry about. I suppose you'll have to ask him.

What did you say at the time?

[Velvetbee]

I'm with you OP though I think my answer would have been different a few years ago. 4 children in, 1 with a brain tumour we have been in and out of hospital with broken bones, Lego up noses, line-infections... but would only very rarely bother with 2 of us going.
Hospitals are cramped and dull, they aren't places for a family day out and it's fine to say 'I've told mummy all about your arm and you can show her your cast when we get home'. It wasn't an emergency.
I agree it was probably about your DP wanting support though, perhaps you could acknowledge how stressful it was for him (when he's finished insulting you).

[PuppyMonkey]

So did the texting scenario go like this:

DH - oh shit DS is in hospital and has broken his arm, he's getting a cast put on right this minute. DD is at home with cousin xx
OP - Oh shit. Shall I come out to the hospital or get straight home for DD?

[Batmansbuttocks]

I think your DH is right. It is the 'instincts' bit. If I had a phone call from anyone about any of my 3 DCS about any serious injury I would start running! Whether that is rational or not I would imagine them crying for me or asking for me. i would need to be there, whether or not I ACTUALLY need to be. But that is the 'instinct' part. My DH and I share parenting 50/50 but we BOTH feel that parenting instinct I think.

How on earth did you carry on talking to your friend for 45 minutes after that? What the hell did you talk about? I'm no earth mother either.

I think you sound cold, sorry.

[flipchart]

My children are MY top priority.
Over the years I have turned down a fantastic job because it wouldn't have given me enough time with the children, spent a couple of hundred pounds on ticket but gve them away for something that cropped up that was important to the children and so on. This is nothing out of the ordinary and there are similar stories iin nearly every fmily household everywhere.
However I wouldn't have rushed over a broken arm. I would have broken speed limits and probably my neck to get there if it was something major as I said before.

My DH does the family stuff perfectly. If I arrived within minutes what good would it have done apart to make DS feel over protected and DH feel like he can't cope. If it was a broken neck fair enough but if it was a standard break it's not always a huge deal. Before people jump on my comment with near death expierences of a broken arm that have have happened to them I said 'its not always a huge deal!!

In my case DS and DH sat for 5 hours after the triage stuff was done chatting away and people watched. Everyone would have ended up grumpy unable to function the following day. I was able to pick up the slack that followed and make a small fuss of DS. As I said last time it happened they didn't leave the hospital until 2.00 am

If DH had razzed up at the hospital when I took ds1 both me and him would have been (hmm) at DH.

maybe I used to having a coping husband, resilient children and broken arms aren't a big deal. to me any more (me, ds1 and ds2have had 2 each so far!)

[Twinklestein]

Seems like clearly I am in the wrong

I don't think so in the slightest, this thread is way OTT. Hysterical.

I wonder if your husband was more cross about being left to deal with your son alone, than concern that your son needed his mother. It sounds much more about him than about your son.

I'm not sure why posters think having to deal with a child's broken arm is so 'stressful' for an adult man. Fuck knows what they would have done in the war with that kind of attitude.

[fernley]

Rootypig I said that I thought we co parented and that I was home for both ds and d shortly after him.

I think probably I should have made sure I was home before him.

[fernley]

I'm very sad about it all and I don't think I should be made out by dh that I am not a caring parent.

[Bonsoir]

Your DS will learn not to count on his mother for emotional support. Is that what you want to teach him?

[Bonsoir]

Co-parenting is not "alternate parenting".

[rootypig]

Well your response sounds perfectly reasonable and your time away from your children minimal - time with friends is important and the long planned bit does matter, it's time that's not easy to carve out.

Good luck in your conversation, I would think beforehand about what you would like to ask and what you would like to say.

[OnesEnough]

Op, you know the answer.

Re-read your opening first two sentences of this thread - "long planned/old friends" etc.

Are you trying to justify your lack of maternal instincts (on this occasion) to us or yourself?

Must have been a very rivetting 45 minute conversation with your old friends!

[settingsitting]

Oh dear. I would have been in the no maternal instincts camp too.

Maybe it is because I consider that in this regard, my husband is just as capable, if not more so than me in this situation.
And I would consider him more than enough able to handle things.

tbh, I wouldnt have married someone who I wouldnt consider capable of handling things like this all by himself.

[settingsitting]

op, does he think that you are not a caring parent generally?

[rootypig]

Bonsoir you have no basis on which to say that OP's son won't count on her for emotional support. I am NC with my mother for precisely this reason, so I don't take it lightly, but flinging that sort of accusation around is just not fair. Or helpful.

[settingsitting]

did he feel up to handling the situation himself?

I think that my husband would have be offended if I did not consider him competent enough to handle it.