Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

[flipchart]

Would it have killed you to leave your social gathering a little early? No. But will your DS remember the time he broke his arm and his mummy prioritised her chat with friends over going to him? Very probably.

What a load of emotive bullshit!!

I've just asked Ds1'where his dad was when Ds broke his arm and he just said ' er, dunno, why?

I've just asked ds2 if he thought I should have gone to the hospital with him the other month and apart from being annoyed that I pulled him from his iPad he gave me a 'what are you on about face' and said why! What's the point.
I've just said I feel bad that perhaps I should have gone an he is saying ' it was bad enough me and dad being there why should anyone else have to sit at a and e with the idiots.

[doziedoozie]

I would say that DP doesn't usually do the caring so is having a strop because he is being called on for once.

And/or that DP feels a bit guilty for what happened and is transferring his feelings to the DW so he is mr niceguy not mr nasty.

If the break was at the putting on plaster stage then no need for DM to rush in. If you make everything that happens to your DCs a major panicky issue you are setting them up to be not so good at coping when on their own.

[coraltoes]

I'd have rushed to hospital, via home if anything needed. If not to administer help, to administer support, cups of tea as you waited together for Xray results, a hug in the back of the car etc. I broke my arm a while ago, the pain was like nothing i've ever experienced- and i've given birth to a 8lb10 baby. Honestly, as they pulled it to re-set i passed out. Every time i stood up i passed out from low blood pressure and pain. It isnt always a sling and a sticker. Watching your child go through pain is miserable, having someone to support you makes it a little easier.

I think you're uncaring to leave DH to deal with it so you can prolong your chat. its not like you were busy with something important! If you had been in an exam/ driving test/ hospital appt i could understand, but a bloody glass of wine and a chat?! baffling, truly baffling

[flipchart]

Your DS will learn not to count on his mother for emotional support. Is that what you want to teach him?*

God it just gets better!! How about rephrasing it saying your DS has learned that he can also rely on his dad for emotional support.

Just because someone doesn't turn up at a hospital for a relatively minor injury doesn't mean you have not been there supporting them when another kid has been mean to them, they have had to deal with a huge disappointment, you have helped to support them when their best friend died, encouraged them when they didn't get the apprenticeship they wanted and so on and so. ( apply your own expiernces instead of mine to suit)

[rosepetalsoup]

Yes I don't think it matters much either way. I would have been rushing to hospital too, but I don't think this kid will be scarred either way.

[CurtWild]

flipchart Emotive bullshit? Well, would it have killed OP to cut her chat with friends a bit short? Of course not. Her DH evidently figured she'd rather be with their 6yo than still chinwagging with old mates. Priorities and all that.

And will her DS remember? Probably. Whether it bothers him or not is a different story.

So not really bullshit.

OP's DH thought his wife would want to be there for their DS. When she chose to stay with friends it upset him. He's entitled to feel let down, imo.

[flipchart]

If you make everything that happens to your DCs a major panicky issue you are setting them up to be not so good at coping when on their own.

Spot on!

[Twinklestein]

I'm very sad about it all and I don't think I should be made out by dh that I am not a caring parent.

I agree, it's ridiculous. As are some of the replies on this thread.

If he felt out of his depth, which would be a odd sentiment for an adult man but hey ho - he could have just said - 'I would have appreciated some support', or 'I think ds would have appreciated it if you had been there'.

What he actually said was below the belt, and not even true.

[LumieresForMe]

Yep a lot of very emotive bullshit.
When I broke my arm as a kid, I spent the night in hospital. My dad never came but my mum stayed with me. Did I grow up learnin not to rely on my father for emotional support? Of course not! Even though he could have been there (only child) I was well cared for and that's was important.
I actually remember my parents taking me home the nfct day and stopping to buy me some sweets (a very rare treat) on the way home. Nice isn't it? Except I wondered why on earth they did that as in my eyes, there was nothing to make a fuss about....

So no actually having both parents making a huge fuss sometimes gives the wrong idea. That this broken arm is a big deal, even if it's not. That mummies are karats at the side of their child. When dads are just as good as reassuring a child etc.

I think the OP's DH did a nice emotionally gult trip to the OP which IMO isn't a good thing at all.
And what if he though she should be there, dies it mean she has to? Seen the answers in this thread, lots of other mums would have done the same. Are they bad mothers too?

I trust my DH to reassure my child. I trust him enough to know that if I was needed he would let me know. And that if I am not needed by dc, then he can cope with it and doesn't need me. I would have stayed because I would have known that dc was well cared for. And that he didn't need me.
But apparently, just like the OP, that would be wrong and I should just rush to his side. What fir??

[LumieresForMe]

And YY twinkle below the belt indeed.

[Twinklestein]

If you make everything that happens to your DCs a major panicky issue you are setting them up to be not so good at coping when on their own.

Totally agree. I want to raise confident, independent, relaxed children, not neurotic dependents, no doubt the OP does too.

If you had 2 parents and the other child squished in an A&E cubicle, hovering with worried faces, it's just going to make the child more anxious & think it's more serious that it is.

[Twinklestein]

So no actually having both parents making a huge fuss sometimes gives the wrong idea. That this broken arm is a big deal, even if it's not

x post Lumieres - exactly.

[LumieresForMe]

But she was there for her ds!! She came back just as he was back home. What sort if difference does it make if she had rushed at the hospital just to leave with her ds (and not come back home with him as she had her own car?). She wouldn't have seen him more than she did.
What she did though is to show her DH she comme tell trusted him to look after their child as, otherwise, there is no way she would have stayed any longer. But apparently that's wrong

[Jayne35]

OP I'm also with you on this one, as long as one parent is there it's fine. When my DD broke her arm I didn't even think it was broken so when it swelled her Dad took her to A&E and I stayed home with DS, I could have dropped DS off with a sitter and gone with DD but why would I? Pointless.

Obviously if it was a major illness or injury then things would be different or if the DC was screaming for a particular parent (when my 2yo niece went into hospital - with a broken arm - she screamed for her Daddy, he came and my dsis went home).

Such over reactions and judgement on this thread and the not maternal comment is just unpleasant.

[LumieresForMe]

Actually the issue here us a massive one. It's the idea that when you are a mum, nothing, nothing at all is more important than your child and you should always drop everything at the top of the hat fir them.

So a child brake his arm but us well cared for my his dad and doctors but you have to rush there.
A child is a bit off at school and you have to rush there and take them home.
A child has a performance at school and mum has to stop everything so that she can be there, regardless if what us going on.

So really it's coming down to that. Are mothers really the only mber of he family that us so irreplaceable that she has to be there, always?
I would argue this is not the case and that other people, such as the dad, can do that just as well.
Nothing to do with caring or not for your child.

[OnlyLovers]

Are you trying to justify your lack of maternal instincts (on this occasion) to us or yourself?

Must have been a very rivetting 45 minute conversation with your old friends!

What a horrible and snarky post.

If the injury had been very serious and still being investigated, that's one thing –her DH would probably have needed support even if the DS didn't –but an injury that's well under control, with a parent in attendance – doesn't sound like a big deal to me.

OP. your DH's comment was nasty. I agree with others that if he'd wanted you there he could have just said so. Making a massive blanket accusation about your maternal instinct is disproportionate and horrid.

I wonder how many men get accused of having no paternal instinct? Or how many people even consider a paternal instinct, or lack of, to be something with which to beat men, the way people seem to feel free to beat women with the 'no maternal instinct' stick?

[MillyDots]

How are you with your children generally OP? Do you work and the children go to nursery/childminders or are you a full time stay at home mum. I only ask out of curiosity.

[Jayne35]

Actually the issue here us a massive one. It's the idea that when you are a mum, nothing, nothing at all is more important than your child and you should always drop everything at the top of the hat fir them.

Agree with Lumieres. Since EXH and I split I have NOT gone to every school production or parents evening etc, and a couple of times the school rang in the past I asked them to call him instead as I was at work and he was not. I didn't feel the need to run to them all the time.

They are 16 and 18 now and not emotionally damaged in any way.

[flipchart]

There is something underlying with your question milly I guess you are more than curious and just waiting to be judgemental
With your answer.

The OPs employment status is not relevant in this thread.

[Goldmandra]

I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

I might have done exactly the same depending on the situation.

DD1 is very calm in situations like that and, on the occasions that she's been to A&E recently, DH has taken her. Unless there was something distressing about the treatment she needed, I wouldn't go rushing over.

DD2 is a different kettle of fish and DH struggles to handle her at the best of times. If it were her, I would go straight away.

Any problem that involved a lot of blood would have me there PDQ too because DH panics at the sight of it.

I know my children and you know yours. You felt that your DS would be fine to have his arm put in a cast without you but in his dad's care. That seems perfectly appropriate to me.

What you didn't factor in was that your DH expected you to be there, probably because he was finding it stressful and he needed your support. He didn't bother to tell you this. He just assumed that you would realise and arrive.

This isn't about your maternal instincts or caring for your DCs. It isn't about whether your DH can or can't cope with all the aspects of parenting you can.

It's about a breakdown in communication and your DH being stressed. He didn't tell you that he needed you and he didn't tell you that your DS needed you or was distressed. My 14 month old pushed a toddle truck round A&E for four hours with a broken arm and a big grin on her face. If he had been asking for you, I'm sure you would have left immediately.

I hope he's apologised for his horrible comment and that you will treat it as a moment of madness and move on.

I think those who are criticising you because you didn't drop the phone and race to your child's bedside perhaps have children with very different characters or haven't experienced more serious illnesses and injuries in their children. An uncomplicated broken arm that is put in a cast then the child is immediately discharged pretty minor after all.

[settingsitting]

I dont get why your husband was furious when you went out when your son had a cold either?

He seems to be furious about something.

Probably best to find out what is at the heart of his fear or upset.

You socialising in general?
You thinking supposedly more of friends than him?
You thinking supposedly more of friends than children?
You having time off in general?
He doesnt like your friends?
Him being left alone to cope?
Him being left alone to deal with medical stuff?
Him being left alone to deal with things in an emergency?
Him not feeling able to emotionally cope with a 6 year old. Or an ill 6 year old?
etc

[settingsitting]

I dont judge those that do rush btw.
I think that each family is different. And each partnership is different. And we are all brought up differently.

But do I consider it necessary that a mum needs to rush when a dad is hopefully coping confidently? Nope.

[MillyDots]

Flipchart. It was out of curiosity. I was a stay at home mum and was there for everything and didn't go back to work until my kids were in secondary school. We didn't have much money and didn't take holidays or have much but as I was brought up a latchkey kid from the age of 5 and my mother was never around, I wanted things different for my children. My friend however worked full time and the kids were in daycare from babies, as soon as her maternity leave was finished and she didn't seem to feel the attachment to her kids that I did. She was happy for them to be taken by childminder the and stayed at work. She loved her kids but said herself that she wasn't very maternal and didn't feel the need to be with them like I did. So maybe some Mums are more "maternal" than others and feel more attached to their children. Maybe its our own childhoods that affect this.

[MillyDots]

Flipchart you are the one being judgemental here, judging me on my question without actually knowing why I was asking.

[settingsitting]

I feel proper attached to mine. Even fostered others.
But to me the man should be just as competent and confident as the woman.
I purposely got him super involved when the kids were babies so that he knew no other way