Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

[Twinklestein]

I totally agree MotherInferior.

The OP was called at 7pm by her husband and she left 45mins later.
Some posters have implied that the OP wasn't prepared to curtail an evening out. I fail to see how arriving 45 mins later than you would have done if you'd rushed home is somehow indicative of a dearth of motherly instinct.

It just tells you that such 'instincts' differ between people. Some posters would drop everything for a minor break and others wouldn't. The former camp see the latter as deficient in maternal feeling and the latter see the former as hysterical.

To state the bleedin' obvious, but it does seem to need saying, there is no set way of being a mother and if someone does it differently to you it doesn't mean they're doing it wrong.

Personally, I don't think choosing or not choosing to rush home in the event of a broken arm is particularly significant, and I am quite sure it indicates nothing about mothering skills either way.

[bibliomania]

Tbf, there is plenty of middle ground - people who aren't claiming that they'd drop everything, and that it would be perfectly understandable if you needed to stay with other dcs or weren't able to leave work BUT at the same time they probably wouldn't carry on chatting to some friends when they'd already been with them all day anyway.

[OnlyLovers]

I couldn't agree more, mother. Mainly with the dodginess of the 'maternal instincts' idea, but with your whole post really.

[motherinferior]

And paint me gold and call me a Borgia, but I would not cancel an evening out for a child full of cold.

[motherinferior]

Frankly the whole idea of 'maternal instincts' is a bit dodgy anyway. This isn't about instinct, it's about behaviour.

I've no idea what I'd do in your circs, frankly, but a competent other parent does rather remove the need to do all the hysterical wading through waist-deep rivers and swinging through the jungle that various posters have said they'd do (I always love the hyperbolic if entirely fictional self-sacrifice that these threads bring out).

Am also boggling at all the people who say surely her DH needed someone to hold his hand and soothe his brow.

[Saganoren]

sky has it spot on, we just don't know enough as when the OP has returned she hasn't answered the many relevant questions.

[OnlyLovers]

FatherJake, 'I think 'no maternal instincts' sums it up quite well'.

What a stupid and horrible thing to say. Massive overreaction and a sweeping statement extrapolated from one small event.

[HoneyBadger80]

I didn't think you were allowed to use mobile phones while in hospital anyway- I got told off by the desk staff last time i was 'caught' on my phone in a&e- had to sneak a text to my mom to explain further, as I had no change for the payphone. Should imagine taking 6 yr old with broken arm outside to make call would have been difficult for dad? perhaps the reason for the text no call situation??

[Goldmandra]

What I really don't understand is how strongly some of the 'I would go' group would judge those that wouldn't.

I agree. There is a staggering lack of insight into how a family dynamic could be different from your own or how a child could be perfectly well supported and comforted by his father.

I imagine the A&E staff are quite grateful to those parents who recognise that one adult carer per child is plenty for minor injuries. The fewer people making a fuss and stressing the child out or hanging around and getting in the way the easier it is for them to do their jobs.

If the child needs someone in particular with them for comfort, that's fine but a default setting where both parents should come rushing or they are judged to be emotionally deficient in some way is just OTT.

[FFSFFS]

Wow! such harsh and nasty posts . I would not have gone to the hospital (although I would have called) and I am 'awash' with maternal instincts. I'm a female version of Peter Andre minus the tan.

I often sit on the fence with a lot of MN threads as I can often see both sides of the argument as I can with the 'I would go' and the 'I would leave it to the Dad' sides in this thread. What I really don't understand is how strongly some of the 'I would go' group would judge those that wouldn't. Telling someone they have no maternal instincts is downright nasty.

The child was with his Dad and was already having his cast put on!! I would have text then sat and happily stayed with my friends awhile.

[FatherJake]

Sorry but I'm with your DH on this and I think 'no maternal instincts' sums it up quite well. He didn't say you were a bad mother or that you don't love your kids.

You were at a brunch so presumably had been with your friends since 12? 1? At any rate it was 7pm when you found out your 6 year old had broken his arm and was in hospital and you then stayed on for another 45 minutes. If I was your DH I'd also be seriously questioning your priorities. The point is that maternal instincts are not about what you could have physically done but about being there. And you tellingly preferred to stay out with your mates who you'd already spent all day with.

[settingsitting]

As I said upthread though, I know each family is different. It appears that the op's is still at the stage of working theirs out. Fair enough. There are things like this that crop up throughout a marriage that need to be worked through.

[settingsitting]

And my son even at that age would be well aware that I loved him.

[settingsitting]

See Nanny. I can imagine how a&e is, in fact I know how it is. Putting me in the mix with already staff, husband and child is rather pointless. Apart from me uttering a few there theres if I even managed to get their in time, what else is there. My husband certainly would not want me there going there there to him! And he is nothing if not the practical type. He would wonder what on earth I was doing there quite frankly.

[settingsitting]

The op has no come back with how it went with her husband. Not that she has to.

Perhaps some of the differences on this thread are down to how old the mums are?
I can imagine that if I was a new one, and also knew less about hospitals and health in general, I would hurry and go.

But now I am more lets say old! And now that I know the difference say between a broken arm and a broken neck, and I know more about how a&e works, and also I suppose I know how competent my husband is, I know not to go, but to be at home soonish after they got back.

[Nannyplumismymum]

I think it's odd that your instinct when child is injured enough to warrant a and e is not to get there asap and support your DH and child.

A and E with children with an injured child is a stressful experience.

[mynewpassion]

Syk:

Seems to me the DH only texted once, which she did receive, about the arm breakage and waiting for a cast. She mentioned that she made one call to her DD to see how she was doing. She didn't call or text her DH about her son's health.

[mynewpassion]

I think the OP's only mistake was not checking in to see how her son was doing. I don't think she needs to rush to the hospital but not making one phone call or text to her husband about her son's health seems off to me.

Even some of the stories about people not rushing to the hospital when the other parent was there already had a short two-way communication about the health status of the child.

The husband texted what happened. The OP did nothing in response to the information about the son. It would seem to the husband that she didn't care because she continued socializing as if she really did have no cares in the world.

[JustDontWantToSay]

I think you showed a calm, balanced view. Child is there with its father, perfectly fine, why panic and dash down for no reason. I'm guessing the OP felt the instinct to rush but counterbalanced it with what the actual situation was.

[Oblomov]

totally agree with syk.
more info needed. to prevent people from making huge assumptions and conjecture.

[sykadelic]

A lot of people seem to be going off on tangents. All these personal examples of "I was playing at home and my dad stayed home while mum took me to hospital so both parents aren't required" aren't relevant. It's not relevant because the mother was not there when the child was injured and had not comforted the child in any way, nor had she discussed with her partner/spouse who would take the child to the hospital.

In the face of being informed her child was injured, when she was not there and had not seen her child, she decided to stay with her friends rather than:

• go to the hospital; or
  
• go home immediately and wait for them to come back.
  

The OP isn't descriptive enough to really make a judgment call anyway. The only facts we have are:

• DH has accused her of not caring enough for the children before (indicating his low opinion of her as a parent is a known issue in their relationship)
  
• DH sent a text message telling her the child had been injured (which she did not get until late)
  
• DH sent a text message that the child was getting a cast put on, this was when she found the messages.
  
• (We do not know whether she called him. Or texted him. Or in anyway communicated with DH about it).
  
• She stayed with her friends for 45 mins after hearing her child was injured badly enough to require a cast (though we don't know whether the child was asking for her, whether it was a bad break, or whether this happens often so isn't "a big deal"). Then she went home.
  
• Once she got home, her DH yelled at her for having no maternal instincts.
  

We need to know more to know whether she really "doesn't care". For example if she didn't text him back or call because she just assumed cast = he's fine and I'm not needed, then I really do think she failed here, she should have at least checked up on her child, should have cared enough to follow up. However if she did call or text and he made no mention of "when are you coming? Meet us at the hospital" then he's being ridiculous because you would think he'd at least ask or tell her if she was needed.

All that doesn't really matter anyway. "No maternal instincts" is incredibly offensive and I think he owes her an apology. Different opinions of what is urgent and what isn't, maybe. That doesn't mean she's not maternal.

[Oblomov]

perhaps not.

[settingsitting]

Perhaps we need to lay off Bonsoir?

[blueshoes]

Bonsoir: "Children, when they are six, need to feel that they and their needs are the centre of their parents' lives. Not some sort of peripheral toy to be played with when parents have nothing better to do, or a set of achievements that can add to their parents' collection of trophies and status symbols."

You do make me laugh - trophies and status symbols, now where did that come from? It is an interesting window into your tortured soul but sadly not a reflection of a balanced view or reasoned argument.

[saintlyjimjams]

if either my dds were in hospital
the child wasn't in hospital, they were being cast i.e. about to leave? WHY would you rush off to hospital knowing your child would probably have left by the time you got there?