Accused of having no maternal instincts :-(

[fernley]

I was out on a long planned day out with friends on Sunday. Brunch with old friends. Had a text around 7pm from dh to say that ds (6) had broken his arm and they were at the hospital having a cast put on. DD (9) was safely at home with her cousin watching tv. I stayed for another 45 mins and said my goodbyes then went home to be greeted by a furious DH who accused me of having no maternal instincts and that I should have come immediately.

Very similar to a situation a couple of years ago when ds was full of a cold and I went to an activity day for a friends birthday which again had been planned for ages. DH was furious that I went.

I said that I thought we parented jointly and I knew there was nothing I could do at the hospital and that I called DD and she was fine so did not see the problem.

Comment was very uncalled for but I think the whole situation was handled very oddly TBH.

I would have expected DH to be up to his eyes looking after the injured child but to have shouted an instruction over his shoulder at whoever was looking after the other one to get in touch with me and then wild horses wouldn't stop me getting to wherever they were going.

cailin said it far better than I could.

All this sounds like there's bigger issues. Though I do think it's unfair to call you unmaternal. DH felt let down by you. Nothing to do with maternal instincts.

Twinkle surely it's not about it not being serious but more about wanting to be there for the child??

If it was me, even if I was told that everything was under control and I was not needed, I would just want to be there for my child so I don't really relate to the OP in staying out.

I agree the "no maternal instinct" was harsh, but communication was poor on both sides and I think you were a bit too laid back, OP. No need for undue panic, but surely the right thing would be to call DH to say you'd be home asap and arrange to meet him at the hospital, maybe have a quick word with DS to reassure him, apologise to your friend and then make your way home.

We do injuries with one parent (unless it's ds1 in which case we try to arrange for both of us, or another helper to go with us - he's severely autistic and not easy in hospital).

I would have done the same as you, would have been surprised to see them home already, but dh would be fine with that. I do 95% of doctors trips/hospital visits alone so I'm sure dh could cope once.

Well my mother, the ice queen's response to being told I had broken my arm was to say that I hadn't. So beat that.

I agree with pp that if I thought DD was in any pain I would do my utmost to get there, I would go immediately, I would so want to be with her - if you had been at work or comparable obligation I perhaps would understand, but drinks with friends...? But then everyone has their threshold. If she had cut herself, say, and was with her dad, I would feel happy leaving him to it. Something about a broken bone is quite emotive, but that's not necessarily rational.

I agree with other posters that it sounds as though your DH is expressing his anger and upset at your lack of support for him, using the children as a more legitimate vehicle (I don't mean consciously, but invoking the children is instinctively the highest stakes strategy.)

The no maternal instinct line is a problematic one, it taps into all sorts of unpleasant ideas about what a woman should be, and is fundamentally quite vicious. I'm sitting here thinking that I know that DH, for example, would have been similar to you, he would have been happy knowing that DD was with me and being taken care of if hurt and I readily accepted that. because he was a man? People happily accept a situation in which there is a more present / hands on parent (woman) and less present / hands on parent (man).

Look, you need to get to the root of what your DH is really feeling, because it's surely a lot of anger and resentment, and whether that's because of strange ideas about women or a genuine imbalance in your family / emotional needs being met, or one of a dozen possibilities, you need to know. He needs to start talking in terms of his needs, rather than wielding the relationship between you and your children. The example of you going out when one of your children was full of cold is just blown out of all proportion and suggests something else entirely is going on.

I did not get a text until after they had gone to hospital and the cast was being done. DD was at home with 16yr old cousin.

Seems like clearly I am in the wrong.

If they were already being cast I wouldn't go to the hospital? What would be the point? I'd meet them at home. They'd be gone by the time you get there.

I don't think there was anything wrong with your behaviour. Your husband texted you -- not when your DS first broke his arm, not after he was dusted down and it became clear there was a problem, not on the way to hospital, not while being triaged, not while putting arm in a temporary sling, not while waiting to see a doctor, not while being X-rayed, not after getting the results of the X-ray, not while sorting out painkillers, but while he was waiting for the cast . That by itself would suggest that he didn't see it as particularly urgent. If I'd sent DH a text like that I'd have been staggered if he'd seen it as implying that he needed to drop everything and rush to the hospital.

A call/text like "Oh shit, X has fallen off the slide and his arm is at a funny angle. Looks like we're heading to A&E...", on the other hand -- THEN I'd have called/texted to see if I should head back.

Don't worry fernley, last time I broke my arm I was taken to hospital by a friend's aunt, I wanted to continue with the sleepover & reacted with horror at the idea of going home early so didn't see my mum until the next day. My friend's aunt was the most traumatised out of the lot of us. The first time I broke my arm it was very serious, stayed in hospital for a week. My dad was on a submarine and mum wrote him a letter saying 'jimjams is in hospital' but didn't say why - he had to wait 2 weeks for the next mail drop to find out I'd broken my arm.

We surivived. :)

It would have taken me longer to get to the hospital than 45 mins.

If the dc was fine I'd have just met them at home. Both of us wouldn't have gone to the hospital anyway

I haven't got a problem with what you have done.
If it had been a RTA or something serious I'm sure you would have been there like a shot.

2 months agoDS2 broke his arm by coming off his bike. I was out at the gym at the time and got a text message from DH. I rang back. DH was at Preston Hospital and DS had been through the triage bit and was waiting. They didn't get home until 2.00 in the morning and I was asleep. I went to see DS next morning.

Another time DS1 broke his arm skateboarding. I had a phone call from a stranger saying that they were at a skateboard park in Blackpool and DS had hurt himself. I dropped everything to get there. Phoned DH for information only and DH carried on with work. What else is there to do.

Like I said if it was something serious then everything stops. A broken arm is just an accident that is a PITA.

My mum never came to the hospital when I broke mine as a child, why would she? My dad took me. However she hardly left Alder Hey for18 months when my brother was admitted with his life in the balance.

fernley I don't think you were wrong. I do think you need to have one very big talk with your DH over a bottle of wine.

I think I'd let the DH off not thinking to contact his wife immediately, while he was dealing with the arm and calling ambulances and stuff, provided he was able to cope with it himself. It's only when the initial crisis was over and he had time to think a bit that he would call round to let people know what was happening.

Personally I'd have wanted to rush home on hearing one of the DC was hurt enough to go to hospital, rather than saying a leisurely farewell. A broken arm may not be life-threatening but there are varying degrees of seriousness and I would of course be convinced it was hanging off and/or would never be the same again. Some mums are more practical than panicky, but I'm not one of them. Besides, whether DS needed a cuddle or not, I would need one! But that doesn't mean the OP is necessarily peculiar.

When I was working up in town, though, rushing was not an option - it would have taken me at least an hour and a half to get home if I dropped everything and ran and got lucky with the trains. XH took DS3 to hospital for a couple of things (DS3 was one of THOSE children!) and didn't tell me about it at all - I only heard from the others when I got home. (It's probably because he was (a) afraid of telephones and (b) afraid of my reaction, though.)

Well the few times I took one of the dcs to A&E, I went on my own. DH stayed at home, once with the other dc, once he was on his own.
It didn't come to my mind he needed to come too.
If res were reversed, I would expect him to deal with it on his own unless the issue was much more serious than that.
Especially, if DH only texted me, I would assume it wasn't that urgent/serious.

On the whole, the fact he was surprised/unhappy you didn't come, I can understand. But the whole thing about the cold makes me think it was more about the fact he had to deal with emergency on his own and didn't want to.
Can I ask, what would be his reaction if one of the dc had an accident/was unwell when you are both together? Is he expecting you to deal with it all? Has he ever being looking after his dcs when they are unwell?

MrsWinnebago we've had a couple of trips to A&E I did one my husband did the other. We're both there for them, that doesn't mean they need 2 adults hovering over them.

If they had to be admitted or were having an operation, that's different.

I'm with your DH on this one. Even if you didn't feel your input was needed, I'm surprised you enjoyed chatting to your friends for another 45 minutes knowing that your son was in pain. I think it's selfish behaviour.

Yes a big talk could well be in order. We recently had a row about the fact I suggested a weekend away with friends in September be accused of putting fun over things such as homework. We have been away for 2 weekends this year - once early May Bank holiday, and once in May half term. Not excessive right?

Definitely a big talk. You have not done anything fundamentally wrong here - there's clearly not a right or wrong response, but one that works for your family. e.g. I found your DH's maternal instinct comment more offensive than your response to the incident.

Why selfish? She can't have got home more than about ten minutes after her son.

Jollyphonics, I've broken an arm before. By the time we were at the "waiting for a cast" stage there wasn't any pain because it had been expertly immobilised by the staff we'd already seen (it had hurt like hell before that, true -- but OP wasn't given an option to get involved at that stage) and they'd given me some super-duper painkillers. So I'd have assumed that (a) my child wasn't in pain, given that DH hadn't said anything to imply that he was, and (b) they were likely to be out of the hospital and on their way home by the time I could reach the hospital, so I may as well keep to original schedule and meet them at home.

No, not excessive. What is the balance in your relationship? Does he get more time away? less? do you get time together? do you share care of your DC?

If it had got to the plastering stage without me, then no, I would not have rushed to the hospital. Just made sure I was home with a cuppa when they returned.

If my DH had wanted me there in this sort of situation, he would have said so in the text. He is nice and clear like that.

I suspect your DH was feeling upset and a bit stressed and he got mad at you because he had to do it on his own. Not nice to deal with a child who is in pain and scared when there is another parent available. Of course you weren't needed in a practical sense but he might well have appreciated moral support.

And re meetings and injured children? Yep I would expect it and that it what happened when DS1 fell and hit his head. I was driving back from CM and there was no way I wanted to drive to hospital (15 miles) with a semi-conscious DS and a baby DD on my own. So H came out of a meeting without a second's thought. And no-one questioned it either.