BBC3 programme; wake up call

[PerfectlyPosed]

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

I didn't want to read and run OP because you sound sad and afraid of what might happen in the future, because pregnancy and a baby does change everything in a relationship. (Congratulations by the way.)

How long have you been together? I firmly believe that we all still have our instinct intact but choose sometimes to override it because we live in a world where only reason is respected.

That sort of behaviour (when he's drunk) suggests he does have arse-hole tendencies I'm afraid.

Hi Emily thanks for your response. We have been together 6 years so not a new relationship. I know it's stupid to say, if he was going to hit me by now he would have but he would, wouldn't he? In 6 years I must have wound him up enough to want to surely? I have been known to record him when he comes in from nights out but he refuses to listen to them. He's under that mentality that if he doesn't remember it, it didn't happen.

When you watched it with him, what was said?

No, in 6 years you haven't wind him up enough to hit you.
Because in 60, 600, 6000 years a good, normal man isn't wound up enough to hit their partner.

Let's get this straight: a man doesn't hit you because he is wound up (by you or anyone else) he does it because he WANTS to.

So something he does concerns you greatly. But he won't even acknowledge your feelings let alone listen to the recordings.....His opinion is that he's fine and that's that. Your viewpoint means sweet FA.... Doesn't sound good to me.

If you told him about your concerns would he stop drinking?

Most abusers reveal themselves when their partners are pregnant or after the baby is born. If you have no other concerns whatsoever you could keep your eyes open to see if he gets worse. The worst cases rarely happen unannounced. There are usually red flags before. Make sure there are none.
In any case, I think his reaction to you asking him to stop drinking, or even sleeping elsewhere when he drinks, should tell you a lot about him.

Cross-post, but it looks like you have who he is there.

Trust me, they can start to get physical after more than 6 years.
Are you sure there are no other red flags at all?

In any case, if you don't leave him now, do not let yourself get into a position where you feel you can't leave.

That's quite a long time. Does he enjoy getting a reaction from people when he's sober?

BTW good question Mrs TP, was thinking that, forgot to ask it.

You sound level headed and strong. I suppose you can't ltb on the chance that something nasty might happen in the future, but you can have boundaries in mind and absolutely promise yourself when he crosses it or them, you're out of there. (Something like, I don't know, putting loud music on in the room when you or the baby is sleeping.) For the moment I think he sounds immature and enjoys winding people up incredibly passive aggressive but not actually violent.

For everything that you've pointed out about the program you've then said the opposite about your dp behaviour. Is it possible that you do have concerns, have watched the program and now trying to fit his behaviour with it?

Perfectly Llewj obviously knows what she is talking about

I didn't want to leave you unanswered but I think you should listen to what she is saying.

It took me so long to post my last message I cross posted with Llewj

On the contrary, you can LTB for whatever reason you want, but especially because he has a history of being aggressive, dismissing your feelings and fears, and scaring you so much that you recognise his behaviour in a portrayal of a violent abuser and murderer.

OP, domestic violence does not necessarily mean physical hurting. There's many ways of destroying a person without taking their life. The little you have described sounds like absolute textbook violence. And winding someone up has got nothing to do with it. Abusers hit or abuse in other ways because it serves them in some way. Why they do it actually has very little to do with you. They see you as a possession that they've designated as their literal or emotional punchbag.

Also, please be aware that the majority of actual violence starts when a woman is pregnant, or has just had a child (which that drama showed).

There are definitely issues to address - there is an age when getting so drunk you can't remember stuff is simply no longer ok. Definitely time to grow up or get help.

In terms of abusive behaviour - being hit is not the only form of abuse by a long shot, but as long as no-one is getting hit, then the other forms of abuse are easy to deny. My XH was/is extremely abusive when drunk, but never hit me.

Reading your last sentence with more attention, how aggressive does he get when he drinks?
Because drink brings out our inner selves. Either happy, sad, for example, or aggressive.
A baby will mean stress and responsibility. Do you want to be and bring up a baby with a man who, at his core, is aggressive?

I am very sorry, love, but if you have read much on domestic violence you will know that it often escalates during the woman's pregnancy and/or early time with baby. It's like they realise they have you trapped and feel safe to ramp it up...knowing that you have invested much more emotionally by then.

I think you have some difficult times ahead and you have had your wake up call. It's up to you now whether you listen to it, or close your ears and hope for the best.

Thanks all for your posts. When we watched it together we had a long conversation about it and how terrible it was and how scary it can be that things like that are happening when not realising. He also called the man a coward which I mistook as him calling her a coward which we had words about. I guess I didn't notice the part in question so much whereas the next night I'd already seen it so was able to focus more on the details.

Sorry if I was misunderstood. I wasn't saying that in 6 years he should have hit me just that if he had wanted to maybe he would have done by now. I understand what you're saying about it happens more when a baby is involved which I hadn't realised and that's frightening.

He has been better drinking wise since I found out but it is still very early days and I don't want to put myself it my baby at risk. When I say he gets more aggressive when he drinks just that he just doesn't know his own strength if that makes sense? And makes some comments about housework or something that he wouldn't say when he was sober. I'm not scared of him but am wary when he gets home in that sort of state.

Emily in answer to your questions yes he is a bit of a show off when he's drunk. He's the life and soul and can be quite funny so people do encourage him to get drunk. But even they get bored of it after a while and he often ends up making his way home when people have left.

And he often blasts the music when he gets in. Not in my room but loud enough for me to hear and when I get up to ask him to turn it down, that's when the shouting starts. It's not even me I'm bothered about, it's the neighbours

You will be bothered when he wakes up the baby. What then?

And what do you mean that he doesn't know his own strength? Because what I think it could mean, may not be what you are thinking.

Are you sure he didn't actually say she was a coward?
Although that means very little. Shortly after an even of DV (not hitting, btw) we watched a programme where DV occurred and exH didn't make the connection to him. I told him he was like that and he didn't accept it.
So, his reaction to the programme means very little, as they can dissociate from their behaviour.
He would have considered this man to be a coward to hit a woman on the floor, but he could still manage to hit you if you were shouting at him and he could blame you for it. (not saying he will, but just showing how abusers can construct their own story to suit them)

and don't forget there are many forms of abuse - him hitting you is only 1 obvious type.

Yes it will effect the baby and that's why I'm hoping things are going to start to change.

By doesn't know his own strength I guess I mean, he's trying to turn me over to give him a kiss or whatever but is digging his fingers in more than he should. That sort of thing.

Well as soon as I said "what a coward" I snapped and said I hope he didn't mean her and he was very quick to say no that it was him after beating her to the ground at her place of work. I really do hope that's what he mean. We did have a frank talk about it and the fact that even though she seemed to have lots of friends (because often the victims alienate the people closest to them) there was nothing that could save her from him in the end.

I didn't want to start questioning my relationship but it has hit home and it scares me how quickly things can escalate.

They don't change sadly - in my experience once the baby arrives they get much worse. And in the times when they aren't abusing you, you spend your life on pause, waiting in fear for him to kick off again. It is no way for you, or your child, to live.

That's my worry. His dad is a big drinker too so it's what he's been brought up with. Our relationship is fine when he's sober but when drink is involved he either just irritates me or behaves the way I've described. I don't want to be at home with the baby on a Saturday night waiting to see what mood he's going to come home in.

It starts with the little things.

When I left exH he hadn't hit me bad.
He had "just" pinned me to the floor by the back of the neck and the following time, he had just pressed with his fists against the sides of my face, followed by a slap, which was probably as a consequence of me trying to get freed by grabbing his fists (and it seems causing him pain because I did dig my nails in).
Anyway, his pressing his fingers too hard is already a violent act, where he is using his greater strength and causing you pain to make you do something.
And why should he force you to give him a kiss?
Is he drunk when he does it, or does he do it sober as well?

In all honesty, there are already signs that this is a risky relationship for you. :(

What happened in the film was not suddenly. Sure, he went from "nice" to killing her in minutes, but the violence had been there for ages.

What would you say to your friend she said to you that you feel wary when you hear him coming home late at night?

I'm sorry you went through that Lweji. It's so hard to explain but yes I suppose him digging his fingers in is his way of asserting his power.

My two closest friends know that he is unpleasant when he's drunk. When I told them I was pregnant the first thing they said is that they hope he will cut down his drinking and step up.

you don't want to be around a very drunk man with a baby - it is terrifying. I had to grab car keys and trick him into another room so I could flee - it really was a living nightmare. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. And you know what it ruined my first weeks/mnths with my baby - he almost destroyed that time. And you can never get it back. He is no longer in our lives, but it took years for me to wake up. And I still have hideous nightmares. My FIL was a drinker too - it contributed to his early death.