BBC3 programme; wake up call

[PerfectlyPosed]

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

[Atenco]

Just read this thread, OP, and glad you are the exception to the rule.

[PerfectlyPosed]

I'm sorry to ressurect an old thread but I stumbled across this whilst editing some settings and wanted to give an update:

DP and I are still together and I would say things are pretty good. I had a really easy pregnancy followed by quite a long and tricky labour. He was with my every step of the way and was my absolute rock both in and out of hospital. Our beautiful DD is coming up to 5 months old. DP rarely goes out and has admitted he is much happier staying in with us at weekends rather than wasting time and money in the pub. He has a few beers at the weekend but nothing over the top. We have just bought our first house and will be moving in a few weeks which means we finally get our bedroom back (currently in one bedroom).

I just wanted to say thank you to all those that offered advice. I know it may not seem like it but I really did take everything on board and had to really think about what was best for me and my baby. Against your advice I decided to give him another chance and it would appear to have paid off. I still think about this thread a lot and was really pleased to find it and re read the comments. I struggle to even remember that man as he is such a different person to me now.

So thank you all for being there for me when I was at my lowest.

[unrealhousewife]

I wouldn't worry about coming back to the thread OP, it's all been said and done and people know your feelings about it now.

To be fair you only mentioned once that you didn't want to get rid of the baby and as you are still going through the early stages of understanding the processes of abusive relationships it was understandable that those of us who have had a terrible time with men using children to get back at them would advise against proceeding with the pregnancy.

Many of us have had later terminations than 8 weeks so it's a fair comment to make that this could have been an option.

I hope you come back anyway, a new thread will be a pain because you'll have to go through it all again.

[NewtRipley]

Thanks Curt

I wish you all the best OP.

[GarlicJunoWho]

Thanks, Curt.

I hope I'm wrong to agree with Oxford. Perfectly, please know that you can start another support thread any time, as often as you need, at any stage. Wishing you & baby a calm, happy pregnancy

[Itsfab]

I did apologise and I wasn't the only one to suggest it was something to think about.

Good luck Perfectly.

[DollyTwat]

Oh just saw the update

[DollyTwat]

Oh just saw the update

[DollyTwat]

OP having a baby with a man like this is a living nightmare. My alcoholic ex had a new stick to beat me with, criticism of everything I did. The silent accusation that I wasn't coping. Not that he helped, he would cause a row on a Friday and use it as an excuse to go out til Sunday.

I was exhausted, physically and emotionally
I went back to work earlier than I wanted to get some time away from the baby and home. I'm not sure my relationship with my ds1 will ever be how I want it to be.
Ds1 remembers incidents from when he was 3

When I had ds2 (an accident from the one and only time we slept with each other since ds1 was born) I knew he had to go. He'd been having affairs with people from AA and I'd had someone's husband call me when I was 8 months pregnant to tell me

9 years on he's still emotionally abusive, he uses the dc to get at me. But I can ignore it mostly

Easier to leave when your baby is still safely inside you OP it's a lot less hassle.

[OxfordBags]

I suspect if it wasn't the termination thing, the OP would have found another reason to quit her thread. She was very clearly unable and unwilling to face the truth, which is understandable.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

That's a shame. It's bloody rude to advise someone to terminate a pregnancy when they have clearly said they don't want to, I'm not surprised she got hacked off. Shame she's lost a good source of support through it.

[CurtWild]

Just wanted to update everyone on the thread - perfectly has messaged me and said that she won't be returning to the thread. She'd like to thank everyone who posted and is thankful for their support/advice. However when she said that termination isn't an option for her, she meant it, posters carried on telling her it should be, and it was too much for her. She is very happy to be expecting this baby and the last thing she needed was talk of termination. She didn't need telling it's an option, of course she knows it's an option, and it's an option she very clearly stated she doesn't want to take. That should have been the end of that particular discussion.

perfectly recieved a lot of good input on this thread, it's just a shame that posters had to continue discussing something that made her upset and uncomfortable.

on behalf of perfectly.

[tellmeastory]

OP, you and your growing child are so important, never forget that. You and your child deserve a happy, stress free life, as much as that can be achieved.

My friend is in a relationship with a man who is abusive, one of the first clues to me that things weren't right was when she told me that he wakes her up in the night, because he is 'stressed'.

She has been in the relationship for five years now, things get better for a time, then he gets 'stressed' again. She is planning to have a baby with him, there is no point talking to her, she wants things to be right so she will not consider that he is not the right person to have a baby with. She has admitted that he will be 'terrible' when they have a baby and that '99% of her relationship is bad but she stays for the 1% that is good'.

I think she is heading for disaster. I have tried to back off a few times, but she is my friend and I hope if she ever needs my help I will be there. Your friends probably feel the same.

Not sure if it has been mentioned above but have you read the Lundy book? I bought it for my friend but she just laughed, I have given it to another friend, her sister has an ex who uses contact with their daughter to continue to abuse the mother. These things do happen.

I came on here a few years ago looking for answers to help my friend, what I have come to learn is that abusers are not unique, they follow the same patterns of behaviour, they are deeply damaged and as much as you would like to rescue them you would be far better rescuing yourself and your child.

[Pannacotta2013]

Hey PP. I wanted to comment on the part of you that is hopeful that things aren't so bad and will get better, and that thinks that things have changed and might stay better, and that your partner doesn't want to be a bad guy. There is a really sad thing here, which is that maybe a part of your relationship may be based a bit on a fantasy, and on you turning a blind eye to things you know are really very problematic. Maybe you feel a bit more badly about yourself than you let on: maybe the feeling of 'boredom' that you identify that you don't like when you are by yourself has a bit more of a flavour of anxiety, or loneliness, or depression, or feeling that you are not very likeable.

So maybe its not so hard to put up with your partner behaving like a bit of a wanker, or behaving a bit scarily, because it's a sort of compensation for not having those other feelings. This is really really really not OK.

In a healthy relationship partners are supportive and help each other with difficult feelings, help each other get therapy if that might help, encourage those kinds of personal development. Maybe you and your partner recognise those feelings of not fitting in in each other, and that makes it hard for you to think of leaving - you feel you'd be abandoning him. But his way of coping is to put his feelings of hurt and damage into you - to make you feel bad, to hurt you one way or another. Sure - mainly when he's had a drink - but he chooses to drink, perhaps so that he can let himself make you feel bad, so that he feels better.

What would happen if he doesn't drink? He's not got the resources to try other more healthy ways of managing his difficulties. And he's really not going to learn them by you asking him to. Its like asking him to learn a new language when everyone around him is speaking English. If he moved to another country, and no-one spoke English, he'd be motivated to, but there really isn't the need right now. You leaving probably wouldn't be enough of a motivation either. Maybe when he's much older, quite a few women have left him, he's less able to charm, that might be a point when he's ready to learn. But you've asked him a few times already and he's telling you he's not interested.

So really the big ask I'd say here is - how much will you care for your baby? Will you give your baby the safety and chance for happiness you can't yet give for yourself? Please do some reading 'Why Love Matters' by Sue Gerhardt. The early month and years of an infants life are so important, and they are so sensitive. And during pregnancy - stress hormones like cortisol in pregnancy cause lasting effects on babies and the adults they become. Please please give yourself some really simple clear concrete boundaries that you will leave and not tolerate, for your babies sake if not your own. Like: if he wakes me once (twice? but stick to it) when he comes in drunk. If he refuses to discuss the effects of his drinking. Try testing some of these now, so you can see what it will be like in the future. Lets presume he is on best behaviour now - can he keep it up when you push it? I say pushing but I really mean not accommodating his unacceptable behaviour. A baby will not be able to accommodate his wishes, and will get punished for it.

On a really optimistic note, if you do leave, and get in touch with Women's Aid, look into the freedom program, get some decent therapy to understand why you have been willing to tolerate this problems - after some hard work you may find that your life will expand and take off and you will probably be happier than you have ever been. I am friends with some women post domestic violence and they are not cowed and ashamed, they are wonderful assertive advocates for healthy relationships, their openness and sincerity wins them warmth and love. They frequently say they thought life would be so much worse after leaving but they are so much happier than they ever thought they could be.

I hope this is helpful for you.

[alphabook]

1. He is physically aggressive and verbally insulting when drunk.
   
2. He refuses to listen to the recordings of him being aggressive/abusive - this means he knows that what he is doing is wrong, but either doesn't care or is too much of a coward to face up to what he has done.
   
3. He is very good at turning things around on you, you're always the one to apologise, he accuses you of being the abusive one - do you remember the scene where she confronts him on his cheating and he turns it around on her, making out she is overreacting and accusing her of getting upset because she's insecure about her weight? This sounds very similar.
   
4. If you tried to leave "he wouldn't let you"
   
   This is abuse, and abusers don't change. No abuser is "trying" to be abusive, it doesn't matter if it's intentional and it doesn't matter what happened in his childhood to make him this way. All that matters is that this is not acceptable behaviour.

[Hissy]

Most white dv victims are portrayed as stupid, drunk,Jeremy Kyleesque, slobs, and/or northerners, so I for one felt happier that Ashley and Reece weren't like that, but we're the sorts of people we would know. Iirc they were both mixed race anyway.

It was the most positive and sensitive portrayal i've seen. The fact that these people were human, real, I think will help many people both black and white to see similarities and hopefully make them think about potential danger they are in. Perhaps Ashley didn't die in vain. I'm sure that'd mean a lot to her family.

[CurtWild]

unreal it seems pretty clear that OP doesn't view her pregnancy as 'a mistake'. She's already stated termination is not an option for her, nor would it be for me and many more.

Yes, she will be connected to this fw for life if they have a child (and believe me I bought the t-shirt) but she'll also be connected to an amazing DD or DS for life, and that far outweighs the negative.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Perfectly, I hope this is all resonating with you. I was outspoken, confident, happy. Over the course of 10 years without my noticing I became weak, compliant, controlled. No-one said. I was saying I was happy, so no-one said anything to me.

Only when he cheated on me finally and I sought counselling did anyone (even my best mate) feel they could speak up. For me it took that counselling to realise I was being EA'd.

You can't change people like this. They are what they are. Even if it is unintentional abuse, it is ingrained and learnt behaviours. You can change the situation. But their behaviour to you will not.

[unrealhousewife]

Groovedaddy I reckon that the choice to use a black couple was based on what would appeal to young people in their target market (modern aspirational young multicultural Britain) rather than representation of a certain community.

[unrealhousewife]

OP you are still relatively early in pregnancy. I had two terminations at 11 weeks and never regret it or even think about it because they were a mistake. You will soon come to the realisation that you are having a child whose father you didn't really ever know. In some ways you got pregnant under false pretences. Your decision to get pregnant at the time was not made with a clear understanding of the environment you would be raising a child in. It was not an informed choice.

I mentioned earlier that he will use the children to hurt you, others have direct experience of what abusive men are capable of when they are separated from their children. Not deliberately, they just think that using them to punish mum is the right thing to do. They justify it to themselves as they will do anything to get you back.

Waiting for the right father for your next child would be sensible.

Oh, and grandparents are getting more vocal about their rights to access grandchildren so you may be tied to regular visits from them, too. All of this makes it harder when Mr Right comes along, it can make life very complicated juggling 4 sets of grandparents, step children alongside court battles you won't get legal aid for, the worry about what happens if you die (sorry but it happens)... Will he have parental responsibility? Will he take over custody?

Do think things through with a realistic worst case scenario vision of the future before you go ahead with the pregnancy. You need to think it through again and make an informed choice.

[GarlicJunoWho]

That story is not only true, it was worse.

You're right about TV failing to portray white violence against black people. Although there was the Channel 4 film 'Fallout', which I found upsetting.

It's because domestic violence is so rarely portrayed with any truth in the media that 'Murdered by my Boyfriend' has caused such a stir. You could also say the same about racial violence (and casual violence of many descriptions.) That doesn't make it appropriate to discuss or campaign about these issues on a thread where the OP and other women are asking for support with their personal lives.

[Groovedaddy]

If I was Black I would hate the way television portrayed my community. Why do programme makers seldom show how Black people are mistreated by British white ppl? My children are mixed race and frankly I am embarrassed to see how their culture is being portrayed on TV, even if that particular story is true as claimed.

[Lweji]

Yes, I think that urging Perfectly to have an abortion at this stage is not helpful.

And I have one child who has to live with the fact that his dad is abusive and was actually violent towards his mother.

It's not necessarily true that you will be tied up for life. It's possible he never wants anything to do with the baby if you leave now.

If you are happy about having this baby, then you should go ahead.
As you are unhappy with the relationship, you should leave it now.

[Itsfab]

People are just concerned and can see things less emotionally.

PerfectlyPosed - I apologise if I have upset you.

[CurtWild]

perfectly has already stated very clearly that she intends to keep her baby, and is obviously thrilled about her pregnancy. Posters saying she shouldn't continue with her pregnancy need to back off. This isn't a 'should I keep my baby?' thread, it's a 'please tell me if I should be worried' thread. We've told her she should be worried, the last thing she needs is to be told to terminate her pregnancy too ffs.