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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BBC3 programme; wake up call

240 replies

PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 16:47

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

OP posts:
GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 21:52

Answering in my own words - Unreal can write for herself, I'm sure Wink

There is something in you that, even though you recognise it's wrong, tolerates being ranted at about housework as you clean up the ranter's mess for him.

Something that, although you were smart enough to record this rant, doesn't play it back because he doesn't want to hear it & says it didn't happen.

Something that chooses to overlook the staggeringly flawed logic in the above - that allows you to have history rewritten for you by a man.

The same something, while knowing the turn-over routine hurts you and the music/bothering thing is hugely disrespectful, leads you to make excuses for him which don't really compute. It allows you to know you shouldn't be waiting nervously for your drunk to come home, and do it anyway.

Some people want a partner they can bully and take advantage of, who won't ask too many questions or criticise their behaviour. Those people are adept at running little tests, to see who will let things slide & make their excuses for them.

We generally learn our relationship style in childhood. Would you say your mother's extremely tolerant of her husband, or vice versa?

AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 21:55

I think you are wrong that your name will be "mud"

I think it is quite clear even from the little you have said that people in general know exacrly what sort of person he is but are refraining from pointing it out to you because so far you have ben oblivious to it

Dump the fucker, and count the people who come to you and say "I thought you were so happy so didn't want to say anything, but...."

Butterflyspring · 26/06/2014 21:55

yes I told people - my mother told me to put up with it (like she did). I had horrific pnd - walked on eggshells for years. He didn't act that badly again - he did apologise but didn't mean it, but there were secret drinking episodes, lies, disrespect, a scared child (that is the worst bit). I finally got rid years later then found out he was also an unfaithful liar - and he now refuses to see his child but blames me for her decision. Oh and he hates me with such venom it is very scary. Except my daughter wouldn't see him anyway due to him being an abusive parent. He has children with the OW now - I am terrified he will treat them the same. There has been a fortified campaign of abuse against me by her too btw - just lovely.

No, your name would not be mud. You can tell people the truth about what he is - you don't have to be ashamed of it. None of this is your fault. Go check out that Freedom Programme link I posted earlier - very insightful. And Women's Aid too - they will support you.

You can be ok, you will be ok. My only regret is I waited years to get rid - I thought he loved me, thought it was a blip, and yes when they are nice, they are nice to you. But my self esteem was, and still is, in the gutter. That is the root of it all. But young woman, young baby, no help or support. I wasn't brave enough to get rid then. Wish I had had Mumsnet back then.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 22:02

That's the thing, I'm not sure I'm brave enough to do it either. We have broken up before and it was me that went crawling back with no prompting from him.

He is very good at turning things around. As I've said previously, I do retaliate when he's going on at me and I have a temper. That temper then gets out of control (mever any violence but a lot of shouting and name calling) and ends up overshadowing what he's done. He then often has a 'cooling off' period where he goes to the pub all day and ignores my calls. He then normally gets home after I'm asleep and he sleeps on the sofa. By the time I get home from work on Monday, he has tidied the house, prepared dinner and expects it all to be ok. I have said in the past that it's an unfair way to punish me and he says that's not what he's doing it's just that he can't handle the rowing.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 22:04

cycle of abuse

unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 22:04

The programmes just started on bbc3.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 22:05

And someone asked about my mother. I suppose she was tolerant of my dad's behaviour. He was a career man and work was his life. She was kept well with money and a nice house but was never "loved" in the proper sense. Now she is married to the most incredible man. He worships the ground she walks on and will do anything for her and also for me and my sister. It just shows that it's never too late to find someone that can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 22:07

Just watching the programme now

I missed it the other night

Lweji · 26/06/2014 22:07

That is typical.
We consider ourselves strong and give as much back as we take. Then we take part of the blame for the "argument". We think we are in control.
We get sucked in and then ask ourselves how we let it reach the point where we are actually afraid to leave.

You have left before. You can do it now. Only this time with more awareness and more tools to stay away.
It is not you, it's him. You can't change him, and it's not likely that he will.

Butterflyspring · 26/06/2014 22:10

oh I used to retaliate - but it was all my fault - then he would be the little boy lost, apologise, buy me something, cook a meal and simper round me and all would be forgotten - until the next time. He was always in control of it and all on his terms, just like the dishing out money but not allowed a joint account and all the other decisions he made with no discussion with me.

Don't you think you and your child deserve what your mother has - surely any less than that isn't good enough. I am afraid I am resolutely single - have been for some time. It will have to be someone pretty fabulous to make me relinquish that now. Maybe the time on your own shows you how brave you can be and give you the confidence to see what good things you do deserve from a relationship. And my home and child is now a place of happy and calm and peace - that is priceless. And I don't shake any more either.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 22:11

I'm a very outspoken person, I'm not afraid to say what I think. People would be genuinely shocked to know that this is going on behind closed doors (apart from my closest friends).

I have a lot of stuff going on with my dad that I need to seek help for and I guess I always use that as a bit of an excuse if I'm in a bad mood. I'm also pretty unhappy in my job but now that I'm pregnant have resigned myself to the fact that that's where I'm staying but it has been dragging me down. I'm not making excuses for him but just saying I don't think I'm the easiest to live with.

OP posts:
Butterflyspring · 26/06/2014 22:16

no fair point - but you could be the most difficult person in the world, and not deserve his drunken abuse. Please stop blaming yourself. He decides to drink and speak to you in a certain way - nothing you say or do will change what he does will it. You don't deserve this do you.

And you are making excuses - sorry, perfectly normal btw, but you are.

Lweji · 26/06/2014 22:19

Indeed, surely you are not winding him up by being asleep when he gets home drunk?

AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 22:19

Abused women do this

They find reasons for their partner to be angry with them

The fact is, the most accomplished abusers pick outwardly strong women to bring down a few pegs

it's liek sport to them

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 22:20

Yes I am making excuses. I guess I don't want to admit that all of this has been going on.

He's home now so I need to get off my phone but thanks for all of your advice. You are all amazing Thanks

I will check in tomorrow and would appreciate some hand holding x

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/06/2014 22:22

I also wonder where you got the idea that you are not the easiest person to live with.

I got that from my mother and I was convinced of that I have a bad temper, so I'd try my best to work it out and recognise my own faults.
I can have a temper, yes, and can be very assertive, but I am not one to pick up fights for no reason and I bet you are not either.

Lweji · 26/06/2014 22:22

Take care.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 22:22

we will be here

just for the record, why do you need to skedaddle and pay him attention just because "he is home"

we were talking

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 22:24

Lweji yes I think I do annoy him by being asleep! He figures if he's still up partying then I should be. He would often ask me to get up and have a drink and a cigarette with him (obviously not anymore) and when I said no that's when he would start shouting and calling me dull. Bearing in mind this is always gone 2am, it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 22:27

I am my mothers daughter. She has a short fuse like me and finds fault in the tiniest things which I am certainly guilty of. Doesn't mean he can treat me this way, I know that.

I just don't want him asking any questions about why I'm so focused on my phone. I also need to sleep. Week 7 of pregnancy is hard

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 22:28

I believe sleep deprivation is a well known form of torture

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 22:28

Fucking hell
And you think he's magically going to start respecting your sleep and your physical and emotional boundaries as soon as you have a baby? Yeah right.

Lweji · 26/06/2014 22:28

Yes it is. :) Have a good rest.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 22:29

I'm just so scared for you. It's sickening.

Lweji · 26/06/2014 22:29

Oh, and he does it because he is selfish, selfish, selfish, and has no consideration for your feelings. But you know this. Just keep remembering it.

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