BBC3 programme; wake up call

[PerfectlyPosed]

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

Oh and they don't stop drinking, they just do it on the quiet. As a result of the drunken behaviour of my ex I have been teetotal since pregnancy - one dreadful night I promised my child I would never ever drink around her. And I never have. Doesn't even feel like a sacrifice tbh.

Wow Butterfly sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm not trying to minimise it but he does only drink at weekends mostly just Saturday nights. Doesn't touch a drop during the week.

many of us have been through similar - which is why most folk here with bitter experience will tell you to get out now. Sorry it isn't what you want to hear. If he drinks and is abusive to you around the baby once then that is one time too many isn't it. And that is ignoring what he has done already.

But it is easy for some stranger to tell you what to do isn't it - I totally get that. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme - you can even do it online for free Here.

I am sorry that you are going through this during a pregnancy - a time when you are vulnerable and want nurturing and protecting.

I completely understand what you're saying but it is very early days. I know it doesn't sound good but as PP said can I really walk away because of a fear of something that may or may not happen. We've only known about the baby for 3 weeks and he hasn't been like it in that time so maybe it has been the wake up call he's needed to grow up and prove himself. I feel like I need to give him the benefit of the doubt because nothing has happened that has actually put me in any danger.

In my case it was not sudden, either.
There had been instances of not quite there. One time he held his closed fist as if about to punch me (should have left then, of course) and there was a fairly close call when I was holding the baby (also should have left - but I didn't really know about abuse then).

Sadly, we all have to follow our own path and I doubt you will leave now (although I do think you should), so at least make sure you set your own boundaries and gather all your determination and strength to leave if even one is crossed.

I think your situation is concerning. Quite frankly if I told my DH that I was frightened or uncomfortable when he was drunk he would be horrified and it would really put him off drinking. Similar to the reaction I would have if he told me that I was behaving in an intimidating way towards him that I couldn't remember.

That's what makes me worried - why doesn't your DH have this reaction? He might not realise what he's doing or have complete control over his actions when he does it but he DOES have a choice to drink.

Also my ex, who was emotionally and verbally abusive and mainly when he had had a drink, was unpleasant on alcohol. Whereas DH and other people I know aren't, they just get silly, giggly, boring and/or cuddly.

I don't think that alcohol fundamentally changes a person's personality. Which means that however they act when drunk is "them" on some level.

And I hope that your boundaries are not only when you are in danger.

Apologies in advance, Posed - I hate coming across as the archetypal MN hag, but I'm going to do exactly that now. I'm very worried for you.

My reasons:

1. The film had personal relevance for you, even though you've no direct experience of DV. You knew what you were looking at.

1. He says what happened while he's drunk didn't happen. This is the excuse of a man who'll blame the drink, not himself, and will also persuade himself you're making things up.

1. In vino veritas is true - ask any pub landlord (and I used to be one.) The drunk personality is the core personality.

1. He has an unacknowledged drink problem. From your snapshot, I'd guess he's a functioning alcoholic. Who will blame the drink, not himself.

1. He's anxious for attention, both socially and in private. How pleased do you think he'll be when your baby takes all your attention, all day and all night, and takes priority over him?

1. He manhandles you roughly - to get attention. All adults of normal faculties know their own strength! If he has an ice-cream cone, does his surprise strength smash through it & spill the ice-cream? Can he pick up a puppy without breaking its ribs? He knows he's pressing too hard.

1. He's so entitled to your body and your affection that he physically turns you over for a kiss - instead of coming round the other side, for example, or gently turning your head. He wants you where he wants you, at his convenience, and never mind if it hurts you.

1. Friends don't express concern about a partner unless they're very worried. Yours are saying he's a drunk and won't step up as a parent.

It's up to you what you do with these thoughts. I'm just very keen not to support you in minimising your perfectly valid doubts. It's natural to want to minimise them, especially while you're pregnant. I hope you won't.

You said he can get aggressive when he's drunk. Is he aggressive with guys too?

Lweji has it right.
Digging fingers in to get a kiss from you is an aggressive act on its own.
Many people drink, but don't behave like that.

And Perfectly, your friends were shocked because it isn't normal, or healthy, for a partner to deliberately irritate and wheedle at you until you've no choice but to react. Stealing the covers from you isn't a kind or loving act: and it's not funny either. Nor is crowding you. And why blast music out when you, and others, may be sleeping?

These things may seem little, but they do reveal a very self centred attitude.

Be aware. At least, set your boundaries and stick to them.

Oh god your posts are making me feel scared for you. This is an awful situation for you to be in, and it will become unbearable when you have a baby.

can I really walk away because of a fear of something that may or may not happen

You can walk away for any reason or no reason. You can walk away because of his drinking. You can suggest he comes back when he's sober and ready to be a considerate parent.

You can also wait it out, as I'm guessing you will. Keep your friends in the loop, and make sure you aren't financially dependent.

And have a nice pregnancy!

Oh fuck you're all so right. I had always thought things weren't quite right but this is scary. I honestly don't think he has even so much as clenched his fists at me it's just the way he speaks to me and, as I've mentioned, the "man handling" of me when I'm pretending to sleep.

He very rarely remembers a night out. He will know the next morning that he has behaved badly but won't remember the full extent of it. The problem is, and I don't know if it's adrenaline or just the fact that I have an appalling memory but I often forget parts of it too so it's difficult to get my side across the next morning without sounding like I'm making it up. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a nutter and someone understands what I mean! The pub he drinks in is a very local pub in the sense that the same people drink in there every day. Most of whom don't work and have zero prospects. I think DP likes the fact that they see him as the guy who is pretty successful in what he does but still knows how to let his hair down.

The not knowing his own strength is only in reference to him drinking. He is no way like that sober. It's hard to explain but you know say someone breaking their phone when they're drunk because they slam it on the table a little too hard? That sort of thing.

My friends aren't saying he won't step up to parenting but they certainly have concerns. I know they would be screaming at me if they knew this conversion was even happening.

So what now? Walk away and tell him the reasons behind my fears? Or give him an ultimatum and hope he sticks to it?

I'm sorry, I've just read through all the posts and feel I should apologise for all the typos! I'm on my phone and it's too difficult to read through the whole post before sending.

OP, you are a walking cliche I am afraid

Knowing the truth but minimising, excusing and just plain hoping things will work out

You think you being pg will "turn" him into a decent human being. Think again.

This is hard and sad to read. Awful that you feel scared. Unfortunately it is almost a cliche that things get worse in pregnancy or early parenthood.

So what would you do? Walk away and hope to god you're feelings are correct? Or explain your fears and give him a chance to prove you're wrong?

That came out wrong. I mean do you walk away even though you might be mistaken and not in any danger.

You have already said you are "wary" of him

he has already proved he doesn't mind using his superior physical strength to subdue you

you are "in danger" love

you just haven't got how serious it is yet

you are not mistaken - and you have the right to leave him at any time - abuse or not. It doesn't have to be an emergency situation for you to leave. You are worried and scared - that is more than enough reason isn't it?

No one can ever know what will happen. We can hope for the best based on previous experience.
The experience of those who have been there is that he's likely to become worse than he already is.
Your gut is telling you to worry. Unless you have MH problems you should trust your gut feeling.
Unfortunately we end up regretting when we ignore those feelings more often than not.
You could enforce very strict boundaries, and the fear of losing you could give him a wake up call, but it could also lead to worse behaviour and in a more devious way.

We don't know him, you do. You got concerned enough to talk to your friends and to post here.
I do think you should follow your instincts. They are there to protect you.

The way he speaks to you, and his manhandling of you when you appear to be resting, is showing you what he thinks of you - and how he thinks of you.

His drinking sounds a problem. If he rarely remembers a night out, he's drinking too much on his nights out. And if you've taken to recording him, and he refuses to listen, you must have argued quite badly about his drunken behaviour but he doesn't want to hear it.

He doesn't care that you're upset about it.

Perfectly, can I suggest that you keep talking to your friends. They sound supportive.

You aren't mistaken about the fact that the way he behaves is unacceptable. It is unnaceptable that you cannot trust him to be respectful of you. That's enough to be going on with . He doesn't have to prove you right by hitting you.

And if you can't trust him with you, then I'd suggest you can't trust him with a baby.

You could tell him To stop drinking. My guess would be that he can't and won't. That is my guess.

I am no expert here though.

Manhandling when you are resting- yes that is really peculiar and a leakage of how he really feels. It is very aggressive.

It is quite a thing for friends to voice their concerns about your paartner. Many people come on he because none in RL tells thenm the truth. I know I have struggled to voice how I really feel with my friends. So that is telling you something.

Everyone has worries, it doesn't mean they are going to come true? I worry that I might crash my car or that I might trip over crossing the road. Those things don't happen so there's every chance that this might not happen. I feel like I should give the relationship a chance and let him know that his previous behaviour is even more unacceptable now and that I will be leaving him if it reappears.

My friends are very supportive but I would imagine they are probably getting tired of it all.