BBC3 programme; wake up call

[PerfectlyPosed]

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

[Sleepingbunnies]

I don't think I can watch this. I'm almost crying already for the poor girl :(

[BertieBotts]

I saw SA recently fab. She posted on the heartbleed thread saying "blimey this is an ancient name!" so I think she had namechanged. I'm glad she's still around in some guise or another :)

Not sure I can watch the programme.

[Sleepingbunnies]

It's making me feel sick watching it :(

[Itsfab]

I am so happy to read that BertieBotts. Did she get away and is she okay?

[Sleepingbunnies]

I'm sat here crying my eyes out. :(

[Hissy]

I'm so sorry you're crying sleepingbunnies

[Sleepingbunnies]

That's the first thing in a long time to have this effect on me. I'm so scared for my friend.

OP, get out while you can. Run for the fucking hills

[100redballoons]

I haven't seen the programme Perfectly (living overseas) but so much of what you describe sounds so familiar to me. Please do take great care. I don't want to scare you but you are entering a vulnerable time, both with being pregnant and with starting to challenge his behaviour. Upthread you said you've been together 6 years and 'if he was going to hit me, he would have done by now'.

For 6 years, coincidentally, my ex was not directly threatening to me and I maintained everything was wonderful. But I couldn't see that it was because I crept around him so as to avoid confrontation. I 'understood' him like nobody else did, I continually made allowances for him because of his terrible childhood, emotional scars etc etc. What I actually did, by accepting his behaviour, was to enable him to carry on just the same.

I'd met him during a long period of depression but, when I started coming out of it, I started questioning & challenging his behaviour more & more, and that was when he turned up the threats & accusations so that I felt confused, fearful & intimidated all the time. It happened more & more frequently, and it started to happen when he hadn't even had a drink. After one incident where he threatened me physically - at 9.30 in the morning & stone cold sober - I realised I had to end it before I did get hurt. Some time later I found out he'd followed the same pattern with his ex before me, and had put her in hospital.

I still love him - or at least, my screwed up, rose-tinted view of who he is -but I'm so glad I got away when I did. What I'm trying to say to you, is please ask yourself whether your relationship is similar - is he 'not too bad' because you put so much effort into keeping him sweet? And does he get nasty to keep you in that place?

Many of the people who have given you advice upthread also supported me when I made the break, and I value the guidance they gave me. (You know who you are, wise women ) Do please listen to what they say. Sending you strength &

[Lweji]

I found the programme on YouTube, as I also live outside the UK.

[PerfectlyPosed]

Sorry I've gone quiet but I had a really busy afternoon at work and got loads on this weekend but just wanted to let you know I'm still reading and thank you all for your advice. I will try to look at those links when I get some time too. However, for PP who suggested I get rid of the baby; I'm sorry but that is not an option

[NewtRipley]

OP

I may have missed someone saying that. If you read my own last post that way, then I am sorry I was not clearer.

What I meant to say is that a partner who you have to fear, or tiptoe around, and who does not support you, and who does not pull his weight, is worse than no co-parent.

[Hissy]

Totally understand your stance, but please think very carefully about tying yourself to an abusive man for life.

Let me tell you too that seeing your child suffer the abject shit of having a crap dad is the most heartbreaking thing imaginable.

As controversial a suggestion as abortion is (and I didn't make the original post) it would mean that you will never have to speak to this man again. And you'd be free of him. He'd have no excuse to remain in contact.

Abortion is always an option, not mandatory but never off the table. Not when it's for the right reasons.

[Hissy]

If you can however guarantee that he'd have no role to play in your child's life, and not be allowed to poison that child in the same way as he is, then maybe it'll be ok.

Understand what you're dealing with here. 'Normal' doesn't apply.

[ScarletRed12]

I'm wondering if you want a child to that man, he will almost certainly have an big influence on your childs upbringing as will his alcoholic grandfather

[Itsfab]

It is hard to grow up without parents as I did but it must also be hard to grow up with a mother but terrible abusive father. You will be tied to him forever if you have this baby and your child will have him for a father forever whether he sticks around or not. Is this really the best father you could pick for your child and do you want to be tied to him forever?

[CurtWild]

perfectly has already stated very clearly that she intends to keep her baby, and is obviously thrilled about her pregnancy. Posters saying she shouldn't continue with her pregnancy need to back off. This isn't a 'should I keep my baby?' thread, it's a 'please tell me if I should be worried' thread. We've told her she should be worried, the last thing she needs is to be told to terminate her pregnancy too ffs.

[Itsfab]

People are just concerned and can see things less emotionally.

PerfectlyPosed - I apologise if I have upset you.

[Lweji]

Yes, I think that urging Perfectly to have an abortion at this stage is not helpful.

And I have one child who has to live with the fact that his dad is abusive and was actually violent towards his mother.

It's not necessarily true that you will be tied up for life. It's possible he never wants anything to do with the baby if you leave now.

If you are happy about having this baby, then you should go ahead.
As you are unhappy with the relationship, you should leave it now.

[Groovedaddy]

If I was Black I would hate the way television portrayed my community. Why do programme makers seldom show how Black people are mistreated by British white ppl? My children are mixed race and frankly I am embarrassed to see how their culture is being portrayed on TV, even if that particular story is true as claimed.

[GarlicJunoWho]

That story is not only true, it was worse.

You're right about TV failing to portray white violence against black people. Although there was the Channel 4 film 'Fallout', which I found upsetting.

It's because domestic violence is so rarely portrayed with any truth in the media that 'Murdered by my Boyfriend' has caused such a stir. You could also say the same about racial violence (and casual violence of many descriptions.) That doesn't make it appropriate to discuss or campaign about these issues on a thread where the OP and other women are asking for support with their personal lives.

[unrealhousewife]

OP you are still relatively early in pregnancy. I had two terminations at 11 weeks and never regret it or even think about it because they were a mistake. You will soon come to the realisation that you are having a child whose father you didn't really ever know. In some ways you got pregnant under false pretences. Your decision to get pregnant at the time was not made with a clear understanding of the environment you would be raising a child in. It was not an informed choice.

I mentioned earlier that he will use the children to hurt you, others have direct experience of what abusive men are capable of when they are separated from their children. Not deliberately, they just think that using them to punish mum is the right thing to do. They justify it to themselves as they will do anything to get you back.

Waiting for the right father for your next child would be sensible.

Oh, and grandparents are getting more vocal about their rights to access grandchildren so you may be tied to regular visits from them, too. All of this makes it harder when Mr Right comes along, it can make life very complicated juggling 4 sets of grandparents, step children alongside court battles you won't get legal aid for, the worry about what happens if you die (sorry but it happens)... Will he have parental responsibility? Will he take over custody?

Do think things through with a realistic worst case scenario vision of the future before you go ahead with the pregnancy. You need to think it through again and make an informed choice.

[unrealhousewife]

Groovedaddy I reckon that the choice to use a black couple was based on what would appeal to young people in their target market (modern aspirational young multicultural Britain) rather than representation of a certain community.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Perfectly, I hope this is all resonating with you. I was outspoken, confident, happy. Over the course of 10 years without my noticing I became weak, compliant, controlled. No-one said. I was saying I was happy, so no-one said anything to me.

Only when he cheated on me finally and I sought counselling did anyone (even my best mate) feel they could speak up. For me it took that counselling to realise I was being EA'd.

You can't change people like this. They are what they are. Even if it is unintentional abuse, it is ingrained and learnt behaviours. You can change the situation. But their behaviour to you will not.

[CurtWild]

unreal it seems pretty clear that OP doesn't view her pregnancy as 'a mistake'. She's already stated termination is not an option for her, nor would it be for me and many more.

Yes, she will be connected to this fw for life if they have a child (and believe me I bought the t-shirt) but she'll also be connected to an amazing DD or DS for life, and that far outweighs the negative.

[Hissy]

Most white dv victims are portrayed as stupid, drunk,Jeremy Kyleesque, slobs, and/or northerners, so I for one felt happier that Ashley and Reece weren't like that, but we're the sorts of people we would know. Iirc they were both mixed race anyway.

It was the most positive and sensitive portrayal i've seen. The fact that these people were human, real, I think will help many people both black and white to see similarities and hopefully make them think about potential danger they are in. Perhaps Ashley didn't die in vain. I'm sure that'd mean a lot to her family.