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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BBC3 programme; wake up call

240 replies

PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 16:47

I'm sure there have been numerous threads about 'Murdered by my boyfriend' which was on Monday evening. I have watched it twice, once with my DP of 6 years and once with my two best friends.

The scene in it that made me really sit up and re-evaluate my relationship was at the end when it all came to a head and he, eventually, beat her to death. He got home very drunk and climbed onto the bed with her as she pretended to sleep. Then when she wouldn't wake up he started being a bit more aggressive and pushing her until eventually she snapped in his face.

This is exactly what my DP does to me. He comes in from a drunken night out telling me he loves me and I am his world, etc. etc. Then gradually gets more and more irritating (purposely stealing the covers or knowingly sitting too close, etc.) until I am forced to retaliate. He has never hit me and I really don't think he would but it really frightened me to see the similarities. I even said, when I was watching last night with friends, "this is exactly the way DP behaves" and they were shocked. I have recently found out I am pregnant.

I don't know why I've posted really, just to get it off my chest I suppose. In many ways, he is incredible and I am so happy that we are having a baby together but that programme really frightened me. The guy on there was charming and treated her like a princess at the beginning but flipped when he became paranoid about her behaviour. DP has never been possessive and we very much have our own lives but he does like a drink and can sometimes often get quite aggressive with it although I must reiterate never violent.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/06/2014 20:44

It also concerns me that he knows he's behaved badly, but doesn't know what he's done.
That tells me he actually does know what he's done and doesn't regret it, or can't remember but made a concious choice of behaving badly when drunk and remembers that choice.
Either is bad.

Butterflyspring · 26/06/2014 20:45

but isn't he already treating you badly enough? Do you think his level of drinking is acceptable - you are happy to be home alone every Saturday with a newborn dreading him coming home drunk, or worrying what he will do when he gets home? Can't you see how wrong that is?

GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 20:48

What's the worst that can happen if you dump him?
You become a single parent, or decide not to be a parent this time.

What's the worst that can happen if you stay with him?
You become the terrified partner of a nasty drunk, effectively a single parent but with added hassle, and eventually get beaten. Or baby does.

Best that can happen if you dump?
You meet a nice man who pulls his weight & makes you feel safer, not more scared. Or get a massive promotion, hire a nanny, and live in peace.

Best that can happen if you stay?
He transforms into a nice man who pulls his weight & doesn't make you scared.

I'm sure I've missed a load of options out Grin How do the options look to you?

NewtRipley · 26/06/2014 20:51

The drinking is a problem. I have a good friend who has been increasinly socially drunk and useless for over 13 years. He is a nice bloke but a pretty rubbish partner and husband. He didn't pull himself together after DCs, he went out more.

*And he has never been aggressive or violent.

Will your DP take his drink problem seriously?

GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 20:52

But isn't he already treating you badly enough? Do you think his level of drinking is acceptable?

This is it, really, isn't it. You've already resorted to recording his rants because they are unacceptable. And he's already telling you he didn't do it ... Not good, at any level :(

I'm fairly stunned that he says he didn't do what you recorded! Did he make out it was all your fault, by any chance?

Lweji · 26/06/2014 20:52

But you wear a seat belt and will drive more slowly if there's heavy rain, right? Because you know what is likely to happen if you don't.
And if your car has a fault you won't drive it, will you?

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 20:54

I'm reading this all back and I know I sound so stupid. I'm minimising something that feels like it's not as bad as it really is. I'm terrified of being a single parent but I know what you're saying. The alternative is no better. I need to talk to him. I think he will be genuinely shocked that I'm feeling like this but I guess that's even worse because he doesn't know that what he's doing is wrong.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 20:55

You're already being treated horribly by this man. He may never hit you! But you know what he will and does do, and he will do this more when you have a baby. He will get more aggressive and demanding and attention seeking because you will be concentrating on the baby and not him. He will wake you and the baby when you are sleep deprived and struggling and get aggressive with you when you tell him to be quiet. He will scare you and subdue you and control you wilt even having to hit you. it's already bad enough

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 20:56

Regarding the recording, I've threatened to play it back to him and he says he won't listen to it. I haven't even brought myself to listen to it yet but they're still there I think.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 26/06/2014 20:56

You don't sound stupid. This isn't about logic or intelligence for you. You sound anxious and hopeful and bamboozled. Take your time.

unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 20:59

OP
The people posting here have a lot of experience in this area and know what they are talking about. Trouble is what seems very obvious to them and rings alarm bells just doesn't feel that urgent to you.

Basically you need to learn about what you are dealing with, not necessarily other peoples individual stories which are of course also helpful, but from books and websites, to recognise the very clear behaviour patterns that abusers follow.

Have you learned about emotional abuse? Physical abuse can be what happens when emotional abuse doesn't work any more. In your case it might not be like that, is hard to know. Calling women's aid might be helpful to get perspective.

Do read up about it. Don't talk to him about it, don't tell him you are looking into it. Keep these threads hidden as well.

The other thing you should do is have a really good talk to your friends about him. Imagine your life ten years from now, or on a family holiday with your children, will he take care of you when ill? What's Christmas going to be like? Really be honest with yourself about his alcoholism, read up about that too.

unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 21:01

Don't talk to him about it. Not until you have learned the behaviour patterns. Information is power and with DV, information can save lives.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 21:02

I just listened back to one of the recordings. I'd forgotten how bad it was. Basically he s

OP posts:
Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 21:04

Sorry posted to soon. Basically he spilt a drink. I believe it was a genuine accident but it went all over the bed and I had to clear it up. He then started making snide comments about the fact that it was the most housework I'd ever done. I can't listen to anymore of it because it's making me feel so sick.

OP posts:
GarlicJunoWho · 26/06/2014 21:10

Oh, dear. A big well done for playing it Flowers It's really tough, I know ... a lot of it is letting go of the fantasy.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2014 21:11

I am sorry, love

You are correct in that your friends think he is bad news

It won't be long until they "tire" of it (your words) and they will drift away as they see you choosing him over your safety and security (and that of your future baby)

That is very difficult to watch. Imagine a couple of years from now. You just have him because he has managed to drive your friends and family away. Your baby (and perhaps another one in quick succession, after all, they save relationships don't they?...) and you are trapped with little money and your self esteem reduced to waiting and watching his every move

is this what you envisaged for your future ?

andsmile · 26/06/2014 21:13

You'll be fat next when you start to show, no good for sex, then you'll be crap mum as well as not doing the housework.

The erosion has started.

YOU started the thread. YOU know.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 21:13

No it's absolutely not. The pregnancy wasn't planned but we were both happy about it. Now I feel guilty about the idea of bringing a baby into this whole situation. It's such a mess.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 21:17

It's not a mess at all. You will be fine. You will, as long as you get some professional advice from people experienced with DV (probably quite a few on here).

unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 21:21

I watched the programme, if he's anything like the guy on that you really should be careful. As you say he doesn't even know he's doing it. IMO these are the more dangerous types. The Nast deliberate ones can be outsmarted. The ones like on the programme can just switch without warning.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 21:24

I still genuinely believe that he isn't going to get violent but I do realise that what he's doing now is bad enough as it is. I need to address it, I just need to work out how. I love him very much and I want us to be a family but I don't know if I'm willing to take that risk.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 26/06/2014 21:28

Women's Aid. Don't tell him about it. Get counselling to find out why this kind of man is attracted to you. Talk to your friends.

You will always be linked through your child. What you need is a happy family, not a dysfunctional one.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 21:30

What do you mean when you say "why this kind of man is attracted to you"?

OP posts:
Butterflyspring · 26/06/2014 21:43

you don't have to hit someone to be an abuser - my ex locked me in bedrooms, shut himself away with my child and refused to let me near her to breastfeed her, smashed up our home when he was drunk, threatened to take my newborn away as I breastfed her lying down and I was a lazy bitch and doing it wrong - he didn't hit me. Does that mean he wasn't an abuser? Did I do the right thing escaping? - most certainly yes. And yep I loved him and felt sorry for him as he had a bad childhood. More fool me.

You really need to stop minimising - your love won't fix him.

Original poster
PerfectlyPosed · 26/06/2014 21:47

Did you ever tell anyone when that was happening? What made you stand up and walk away? Did he ever apologise for treating you like that or was it always your fault?

I know you're all right and I do need to leave but you must also know that it is easier said than done. I would have nowhere to live and nowhere to go. We live in a small town, everyone knows everyone's business and my name would be mud.

OP posts:
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