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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

293 replies

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:47

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:

mansize · 13/04/2014 12:51

Why didn't you tell him before you arranged for your friend to come and stay? Now if your DH is uncomfortable with it he has no choice but to go along with it. It seems the only reason you want to tell him is to ensure you don't get 'caught out'.

Abbykins1 · 13/04/2014 12:57

Best tell him as gently as you can.

To use a term in common use here,drip feed it to him.

Original poster

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:57

Yes I regret not telling him ages ago when it didn't matter. I could have just mentioned it, and then when my friend arranged to come, DH would have been fully aware.

I'm worried that it's got too far now, and if I tell him now he might feel uncomfortable.

I suppose I am worried I'll get 'caught out' or rather, that DH will feel upset that he didn't know about our past before

I suppose if I put myself in his shoes, I would definitely want to know and would be upset if he didnt' tell me.

OP posts:

scarletforya · 13/04/2014 12:58

I don't really think it's appropriate to have an ex to stay at all tbh. Even if it was just a friends with benefits deal.

It's a bit much to expect your husband to just suck it up.

Original poster

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:59

I could just say "Look, I think you should know that there was some history there between friend and I, but it's obviously not an issue between us any more" and hope he's ok with it?

OP posts:

mansize · 13/04/2014 13:00

No, not 'hope he's okay with it'. He's perfectly entitled not to be okay with your former fuck buddy coming to stay. You need to be prepared for that.

Original poster

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:01

I don't really think it's appropriate to have an ex to stay at all tbh

Really? Oh I'm worried now. He's not an ex in any way, we were never 'an item'. We were part of a group of friends, and stuff happened between us when we were young. We've remained good friends since then, I attended his wedding.

He lives abroad and is travelling over here for work, so the only way I could see him is if he came over to stay for a few days.

Do people really think it's inappropriate?

OP posts:

mansize · 13/04/2014 13:02

Do people really think it's inappropriate?

Yes.

Finola1step · 13/04/2014 13:03

I think you should tell him. And be prepared for your dh to be uncomfortable with the idea of your friend staying.

If you don't tell him, you end up with a situation where quite a few people will know and your dh doesn't. It will slip out or your dh will pick up on your uncomfortableness.

You are entitled to have a past. But put yourself in your dh's shoes. If your dh invited an old female friend to stay and you then found out that they had had an intimate relationship (and lots of other people knew), what would your reaction be? If it is "well you should have told me!" then you have your answer.

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdithWeston · 13/04/2014 13:03

As other people know too, then I think you have to tell him as it's far better coming fom you (tactfully, in private and at a good moment, as far as any moment can be good) than randomly.

Keep it as low key as possible - perhaps something along the lines of 'btw, did I tell you before that X and I went out a bit?' and, if not downright untrue, 'It really didn't work out. We're great friends by the spark was never really there'.

TheNewSofa · 13/04/2014 13:03

I had this problem.

Dh didnt like me being friends with people i had slept with.

I had a friend before i met dh who i had a period of being friends with benefits with. Dh didnt like me staying in contact with this friend even though i hadnt had sex with him for a year before i met dh.

Friend asked why he wasnt invited to my wedding. Truth was dh wouldnt allow him to be invited, said it wasnt fair on dh to have someone at our wedding that i had slept with.

I havent seen this friend since i met dh 3 years ago.

Dh hates the fact that friend is on my facebook, and brings it up regularly if we have a row

Original poster

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:04

Bugger.

Ok so I need to talk to DH while I still have plenty of time before my friend visits.

Thing is, I would think nothing of going to stay with him and his DW and family, if I were to visit his country. Not that this has happened, but it could certainly be an option. It wouldn't feel awkward at all.

OP posts:

scarletforya · 13/04/2014 13:05

You see your husband will have this man in his home. This man who has been intimate with his wife before he was. He'll have to make small talk with the guy.

It's a bit much really.

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateWombat · 13/04/2014 13:06

I think you should tell your husband and ask him if he feels comfortable with this guy coming to stay. If he isn't then you will have to cancel. Yes, it is tricky at late notice, but your husbands feeling need to come first.

You need to apologise for not telling him earlier and also make it clear you are very happy to cancel if he prefers it....don't make him feel bad, if cancellation is what he needs.

So basically you need to move your own feelings from 'it was nothing' and everything can carry on as before, towards empathy for your husbands feelings.

Perhaps it's time to have the conversation about past partners, so it's all out in the open.

StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:07

Goodness dh doesn't know which of my male friends I had sex with long before he was on the scene (and there is more than one). Why should he ? These guys are mostly married with kids like your friend, I just can't see the big deal sorry. (I suppose the time scale is important I've known these guys for 25 years, the last time I had sex with anyone else was 18 years ago, so distant past).

mansize · 13/04/2014 13:07

Well, of course it wouldn't feel awkward for you. His wife, on the other hand...

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 13/04/2014 13:08

I don't think it's inapropriate for him to stay - as you said, it was a long time ago, you both interact & think of each other as friends, you're both married to other people... I'd be really tempted not to say anything: how you and your friend were many many years ago is not how you are now if you see what I mean, it happened in the past, & has no bearing on the lives you have now - which is as friends. It depends I guess on hoe you think your husband would take it, and only you know that: is this thing that is no longer actually "a thing" be likely to upset your husband? Is it worth telling him if he is?

Original poster

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:08

Just to be clear - I haven't slept with this guy for at least 8 years. I haven't seen him for 5 years. So it's really not a recent thing.

We were never 'together'. Ever. We were just part of a group of friends who occasionally got it on with each other.

DH and I haven't really talked about our past much, so I'm not sure how he will feel about meeting someone I've slept with.

But we did once stay with another couple of friends - part of the same group as this other friend of mine - and DH asked me whether I had history with one of them. I didn't, but I did have a crush on him once, which I was honest about. DH could obviously sense it.

Hence me being wary of this other friend visiting without DH knowing the full truth - I fear he may pick up on something, and would hate for him to find out in a bad way.

OP posts:

BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:09

WTAF?! Have we slipped through a hole in the space:time continuum and gone back to the 1950s?! So you have a sexual history. So what? I bet your DH does as well.

Why should you mention it to him? This guy is now a friend. You have every right to remain friends with people you have slept with, whether they are boyfriends, one night stands or FWBs.

For goodness sake.

No need to say anything, GladitsnotJustMe. It's in the past. In fact, if you were to raise it now, it might signal that it isn't quite in the past! And if it comes up (although why would it?), just acknowledge that you did have a short term relationship, but that you are both friends now. End of story.

scarletforya · 13/04/2014 13:10

But your friends wife might feel awkward, that's the point. It's not really about how you feel. It's about your husband.

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:10

I must have been a slut. There is no way I could avoid everyone I've ever slept with.

Original poster

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:10

Is that because his wife knows you had a sexual relationship? I honestly don't know if my friend's wife knows about our past. Ive never asked him. But I just assume that she does.

We never talk about it, so it hasn't really come up.

OP posts:

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