Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

293 replies

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:47

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
pombearsforbrunch · 13/04/2014 13:26

But to answer your question - yes! Absolutely tell him asap.

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:27

Absolutely knows. And knows why he's an ex! I think he'd be more concerned if it was a new friend with no history!

Yes, good point Pombears - far better IMO!

OK, I'll make sure he knows, but in plenty of time.

There's no question of cancelling my friend's visit though. That would be unfair on my friend, and cause far more of an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:28

yes it is ops house also but that doesnt give her the right to invite anyone does it

Doesn't it? so by that reasoning, I don't have the right to invite anyone?

OP posts:
mansize · 13/04/2014 13:30

Biwi I have no idea what you're on about.

OP, the house belongs to your husband as well. I think he has to be considered, don't you?

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:30

Just to clarify - obviously I discussed my friend's visit with DH before inviting him.

The option was either I would travel to where my friend is, and we would hire a holiday cottage for a weekend together - but DH wouldn't be able to come, because of work. Alternatively I would get friend to travel to me, stay with us, so that he could meet DH.

I wanted DH to meet him. It's important to me.

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:31

mansize I was agreeing with your PP:

"If your partner trusts you then surely there's no issue telling them?"

Casmama · 13/04/2014 13:32

The crucial point to me is that other people know about it- can't imagine why your family know about a fwb arrangement but they do so it would not be fair to leave your dh in the dark.

If your dh is uncomfortable with having him to stay once he knows about the history then I think you should respect that even if it is a bit awkward.

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueemerald · 13/04/2014 13:32

I totally agree with BIWI. This all happened 8 years ago. It is ancient history. You've seen him since then and not slept together. Yes, it probably would have been better to mention it before confirming the visit but it's to late for that now. Tell him in a low key, short and sweet way. Don't cancel.

Legologgo · 13/04/2014 13:33

I met a former box of H's once at a do. Turned out I had snogged him as a teen.

Was morto. We both Geeed it would only make life complicated.

flipflapsflop · 13/04/2014 13:33

I think you are being deliberately obtuse now. of course you can invite who you like, but use a filter.

if you'd be happy with hubby inviting an ex fwb without telling you about the past, then go ahead and see how that pans out. use the " I wouldn't have cared less" defence.

else, do let him know, and let him know its no big deal. the fact you sent to his wedding helps, right?

Legologgo · 13/04/2014 13:33

Agreed. Sorry. So didn't say. What's the point in telling. Honesty overrated

Legologgo · 13/04/2014 13:34

Boss. Not box. Aaarghhhhb

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:34

I'm confident that DH trusts me.

But I don't want to hurt his feelings in any way.

So I had foolishly not told him, thinking it would never be an issue because friend lives abroad.

Then friend announced his visit to the UK, and I didn't want to make an issue of it. Now it's gone too far, and I have to bring it up.

It's nothing to do with him trusting me, it's all to do with how he might feel to meet someone I shagged a few times 8 years ago but will never shag again.

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:37

I'm really interested, do you all think that partners have the right to know every little detail of each other's pasts ? We aren't talking about the love of her life here, we are talking about some casual sex with a mate. Just why would it come up ? Surely your friend wouldn't mention it in front of dh anyway Confused

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:37

Lego that made me Grin must have been slightly awkward...

Re why other people know about it - I have a close family, I tell them too much. Stupid of me, I know.

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:40

We aren't talking about the love of her life here, we are talking about some casual sex with a mate. Just why would it come up ? I think that's exactly why it hasn't come up before

I'm not likely to say to DH "Oh by the way, you know my friend X who I went travelling with years ago and you've never met? Shagged him!"

I do wonder whether DH suspects there was something anyway, since we were part of a foursome, and the other two have since married each other. So it's pretty likely that friend and I tried each other out...

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. DH might say "Oh yeah, thought as much, no big deal!"

OP posts:
Legologgo · 13/04/2014 13:42

He and realised who we were ( so to speak ) and said " OMG say nothing!"

professionally would have been weird and tbh what was the point - hardly like we were going to get it on,

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:42

Still, I think its the fact that he is staying in the house that is the problem

There won't be any night time dashes across the corridor, I promise you!

I will tell DH, gently, and give him time to get his head around it. He's quite sensitive and private, so the last thing I want to do is make him feel awkward.

OP posts:
Legologgo · 13/04/2014 13:43

don't bloody say anything - I don't know why you even considered it

flipflapsflop · 13/04/2014 13:43

still wish

I think things aren't so black and white. they are more nuanced. telling your spouse you had a bit of a fumble with a guy that's coming to stay is not the same as having to divulge every single detail.

no one wants to no that, do they? in this case the OP has issues cos she's happily told her family. someone is bound to let the cat out of the bag.

ENormaSnob · 13/04/2014 13:43

Tell him.