Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

Just find a way to mention it while chatting.

It's one of those things, and really shouldn't be any big deal.

If you were posting saying that he was barring the door to any man who has been near his wife I would be calling him a sexist possessive controlling dickhead, and I am surprised at the number of women who think this approach is reasonable. Jealousy is such an unattractive trait. At best.

I honestly don't understand why some people are so precious about this kind of thing. So you've had sex with the man before, big deal, doesn't mean you are going to again! You've both moved on, this is ancient history.

I could just totally play it down and say "when we first met, we had a few drunken fumbles, but then decided not to bother and we preferred each other as friends"

I think that's a good idea. Normally I wouldn't say anything, but if you are concerned that someone might say something, then that's a nice simple explanation.

You need to tell him and be prepared for DH's response. You should have told him before making firm arrangements. Now it all feels a bit awkward. It was a long time ago and you sound like you have both moved on so DH may be fine with it. Honesty is the best policy.

It's fine to have had sex with other men before your current partner and it is fine to remain friends with them. It is more respectful to your current partner not to tell him which of your friends are former sexual partners.

My partner has a few friends in this category, I haven't had to face this particular scenario yet but can kind of imagine myself in your husband's position. In general I think I'd prefer
-Knowing to not knowing - as in, unless one of them does something in particular that gets to me, I can deal with the ones I know about. If a 'new' one came out of the woodwork now it would bother me more. On the other hand, if this is going to happen, I would prefer it to happen before a visit took place and to have enough advance warning to be over the shock before she pitched up on our doorstep.
-Meeting her to them meeting without me, at least the first time after a long period apart. I would want the chance to see how they were together to reassure myself (hopefully!!!) that it was (hopefullyx2!!!) innocent.
-Her coming to our house as opposed to them going off somewhere for the weekend. Him coming to bed with me and her going to bed in another room and me hence knowing where everyone was.

Even in the cases of certain individuals who set my spidey senses tingling I'd probably be able to deal in those circumstances. But honesty and openness are key to making that work!

The Q is, is what you decide to do, determined by what is easiest for you or what is right for your husband?

The fact you say that you cannot possibly cancel now, strikes me as wrong. If this IS an issue for your husband (and it may not be) then you should be willing to cancel out of respect for his feelings. It will be awkward to cancel, but that it the lesser problem. If you tell your husband, there is a chance he will be uncomfortable with your friend in the house and rather than telling him it is too late to cancel, you really should let him have the final say over it.

And, in terms of the debate about whether to tell him, I think you have already decided you should. It may not come out if you don't mention it, but if it does, it could be awful for your husband and it would be wrong to put him in this position.

So I don't think the issue here is that you have had previous partners. It is that one of them is coming to stay and your husband was not aware of the past intimacy between you BEFORE the invitation. Really you should have told husband before inviting, but given that you didn't, telling him now is the next best thing and to apologise for not having told him before inciting. Husband has a right to feel however he feels about it. If he is uncomfortable, to then insist on friend coming seems wrong. Having exes is normal, but we need to be sensitive to the feelings of husbands about them. Some husbands won't be bothered at all, others would find it very difficult. As our current (and lifetime) partner, we need to respect their feelings.

If I were naive enough to get into your position, I wouldn't tell my current partner. I would tell my 'old' friend that the arrangement is off. The reason you give for it calling it off is down to you and dependant on whether your friend would take umbrage at the cancellation.

In truth, most old friends (particularly a male one as in your case) would probably recognise why this arrangement might be a bit of a problem. If your friend hasn't at least pondered this, then he is either a fool or dangerously liberal. He may just be assuming that your husband already knows, and is OK with him coming to stay regardless of your mutual history.

I'll give you a basic male animal's perspective on this and its isn't a positive one I can assure you. You are inviting an old 'mate' to come and feast in the territory of your current 'mate' without his consent (i.e. because he hasn't consented with knowledge of your history). Just drink that in for a minute.

Alternatively, you could ignore all this, and just hope your husband never EVER finds out.

OlaTheLawyer: Feast? I think the OP had a lasagne round the supper table in mind, rather than laying herself out like a geisha spread with sushi, as the hors d'oeuvres. But I could be wrong.

As for 'dangerously liberal' - what dangers do you imagine might ensue?

I am quite excited to think that might well be dangerously liberal. It is the first time I have been considered dangerous!

(DP and I have numerous respective ex lovers as friends and so far no danger has befallen us.....)

'dangerously liberal'?!

WTAF! Really. What a stupid and ridiculous post. And as for the assertion that the OP is naive - what on earth are you on about?

Complete bollocks of a post there ola.

Oh for God's sake? You can't be friends with people you have slept with?

I agree that you should have told your husband beforehand, but it's really not that big a deal. You must tell him, and make it very clear that it didn't occur to you to mention it because it was not a significant relationship for you, and you have never seen him as anything else than a friend. If it makes him uncomfortable (which would be understandable, given the circunstances), then you might have to ask your friend to go to a hotel (and you can tell your husband that you're willing to tell your friend this, too).

But really. It's not as if you had murdered someone.

Distance has it spot on I think

"dangerously liberal" - i.e. Assuming that everyone else is as liberal and care-free about such things as he is.

DP and I have numerous respective ex lovers as friends and so far no danger has befallen us.....

Yes, well that's my point exactly - there's no problem if everybody is on the same wavelength. There is only a danger if is somebody 'assumes' that the other person is cool with it.

"Feast" - (For heaven sake...) I was using a word to describe what it happening in a base animalistic sense. I didn't mean it literally.

And as for the assertion that the OP is naive - what on earth are you on about

Of course she has been naive for not considering how her husband might feel about her history with this man BEFORE making the arrangement., hence her dilemma. Not that hard really is it

I wouldn't tell him.
I have a friend who I slept with a few times about 20 years ago. We have been really good friends since this, we've supported each other through some difficult times he came to my wedding. He's now with someone who doesn't know we slept together.
I just don't see it as an issue. It was so long ago I can barely remember!
Our friendship is more important now. I like his girlfriend, I'm glad he's happy, I don't know what would be gained from her knowing we had sex a lifetime ago.

I think what Distance says makes sense, in terms of what OP should do.
Difficult to say whether it is a big deal or not. it would be for some and not for others. I don't think it is for us to say how husband should or shouldn't feel about the idea of an ex coming to stay. Some people will be fine with the idea and for others it would be a big problem. Not sure this is to do with being liberal or not. Many liberal people may have difficulties with an ex being in their house, or with the idea of their spouse having sexual relationships with specific people in the past, even though most people have a sexual past. It is one thing knowing it in theory and another meeting those past partners, for many people.

The key now is to be open and accept however husband feels and not put the prior arrangement before husband wants.

I don't agree with those who say the OP has a right to the friendship with the ex, in terms of having him in the home, if the husband is uncomfortable about it. A marriage involves consideration of ones spouse. This could be a very sensitive issue and in this, the OP needs to put her husbands feelings before her own desire for friendship with the ex.

"I don't agree with those who say the OP has a right to the friendship with the ex, in terms of having him in the home, if the husband is uncomfortable about it. A marriage involves consideration of ones spouse. This could be a very sensitive issue and in this, the OP needs to put her husbands feelings before her own desire for friendship with the ex.

Spot on. Those saying things like "you're allowed to be friends with your ex..." etc, are spectacularly missing the point.

The OP's husband probably has a sexual history before her, but he isn't inviting his 'history' to come and sit at their table over breakfast without her complete knowledge.

Ola has got it right.

The issue isn't a distant sexual past, the issue is lying by omission as that's disrespectful of your husband NOW!

This isn't about what any one of us on this thread thinks is a bug deal or relevant, it's about the husband and his feelings.

If he's ok then no problems. If he isn't entirely comfortable then it's up to the OP to call the visit off because of not wanting to upset him, so she needs to be sensitive to his feelings and if he's upset, offer to cancel rather than expected him to say.

I can imagine what my partner would be thinking if I invited one of my Ex’s to the breakfast table.

Is his dick bigger than mine?

Is he better in bed than me?

Has she done things with him she wouldn’t/won’t do with me?

He shagged her,I married her.

Male perspective here.
My wife has a history - early on in the relationship we had the talk and she told me she had had "Dunno - 25 ?" previous partners.
I also know she has had a fuck buddy. I have met some of her "one night stands" and had a beer with them. They were more awkward about it than me ! So I don't think I am tooo much the jealous type, and I am normally a laid back fella.
However, I have to say, if I was in the OP's husband situation and I found out "by accident" I would hit.the.roof! Big time!
I mean, to me it would be deceit by omission, and hugely disrespectful to just assume I would be ok with it. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned.
Maybe it's normal to say "Oh, so you two shagged years ago ? Cool ! Can you pass the jam?"
It's a marital home for a reason. You are in a partnership where you should be honest with each other. You share things and respect your partners feelings. To say "Well I want my friend to stay and if my partner doesn't like it its tough!" is very selfish in my eyes.

I agree - I'm going to tell DH, and hope that he's ok with it.

Not sure how I will deal with it if he's not.

Thanks everyone for giving your point of view, useful to read how others perceive things.

Glad

I would. Maybe he will be fine about it and problem solved !
Maybe he needs time to get used to the idea.
Maybe he reacts really badly. You won't find out until you tell him.
And I would then react accordingly.
If he reacts badly, I can see that you would be upset, but remember his feelings are valid to him, whether you agree with him or not.
I must admit I'm interested to know what he says.

Jeez, if I couldn't have any guy I'd fucked round to my house with my partner I wouldn't have any friends left! Completely OTT responses, it's only sex people, what the fuck?!

The more I think about this, the more important I think it is, that you don't just wait to see how he reacts, but are PROACTIVE in offering to cancel, at the point when you tell him. This will speak volumes about your concern for his feelings. Mother wise, it will sound like you are hoping he will just accept the visit, and he may feel under pressure to say he is fine with it, when he's not.

OP, you are still clearly concerned about having to cancel and hoping you won't have to. I think you are coming to this from the wrong angle. Yes, it could be a bit awkward cancelling, but this is far less of an issue, than putting your husband in a position than he feels uncomfortable in. You will just have to deal with the awkwardness of cancellation, as the consequence of not raising this issue before inviting the ex guy...it is irrelevant that it was years ago and he was never a real boyfriend.

There is no way there should be any sense (even unspoken) that your husband needs to say he is okay with this, because at this stage, cancelling will be tricky. You need to make it clear that you are very aware you should have mentioned it before inviting (big apologies) and very willing to cancel, not that you will do it reluctantly.

You are not apologising for a sexual past. You are apologising for inviting an ex to stay without making clear the previous nature of the relationship so that your husband had a chance to express his views, before the invite was given. This is where your mistake was and your conversation needs to recognise the mistake and give your husband total freedom (without unspoken pressure to say yes) to decide what happens next.

And if he does say he is uncomfortable about it, you need to not feel aggrieved about it, regardless of whether you would in the same situation. This is a touchy subject and respecting our spouses choices to not spend time with your ex is really important, as is his knowing you respect it (which unfortunately the fact you didnt tell him before suggests lack of respect....but by telli g him now, you are doi g your best to address it)

Hi Glad,

My initial post was on impulse,most are aren’t they?

Having re-read your original post I have changed my mind.

You express some doubts as to how your DH will take the news about your past.
The past is of course entirely your business, but by your actions you are bringing it in to the present and possibly even the future,further contact etc.

Your relationship with your DH will hopefully last a lifetime.

This visit a few days.

I wouldn’t risk it.
I would gently uninvite your ex FWB and tell him why.If he’s a decent guy he will understand.

Just one last thing,when I’ve been cheated on and lied to in the past I think OK,what else haven’t you told me?

It just throws up doubts.

It’s not worth it.