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Original poster

Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

293 replies

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:47

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:44

in this case the OP has issues cos she's happily told her family. someone is bound to let the cat out of the bag.

Yeah, I think if no one knew, I might not say anything. But my family have big mouths and I'd be scared of someone making a joke about it in front of DH or something...

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:45

Anyone I had confided (friends and family) would carry that secret to the grave. I know loads about my mates, that their dps may or may not know no way would I say anything. Same with diss and her dh.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:46

I might just say it in a "You know that X and I had a bit of a past? Sorry, assumed you knew that. Obvs nothing there now but just wanted to check you're ok with it"

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:47

But why?!

StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:47

What goes on on tour stays on tour and all that. I see this is not universal.

changedirection · 13/04/2014 13:47

I don't think there should be a problem with your friend visiting. I do think it odd that your DH doesn't know your history. Does he think he knows about your past partners? Or is he aware that he doesn't know, and not interested in finding out? If the former, I can see why he'd be upset at being told now. If the latter, he can't really have a problem with it

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:48

StillWish trouble is, it's not considered a big secret. Friend visited once, years ago, my family knew he and I had a bit of a FWB thing going on. No big deal.

So I would envisage it coming up in a sort of jokey way as in "hah, remember when you two had a thing" type of way.

I could ask them not to mention it, but then that just feels more like I'm keeping stuff from DH and making a big deal out of it.

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:48

Why you need to check he's alright with it? It's been and gone now. If you had had a long-term, serious relationship and you hadn't told your DH, that would be more of a worry. But this is a guy you slept with a few times, with no relationship. No big deal.

I really don't understand why you feel you need to say anything. And if your family bring it up, just go along with the joke and laugh. You have done nothing wrong/you did nothing wrong. There is nothing to 'confess' or to be ashamed of.

StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:49

Well if that's the case he is better hearing it from you.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:49

Or is he aware that he doesn't know, and not interested in finding out?

Very much this. He's never asked how many people I've slept with, I've never asked him. Obvs he knows about my serious relationships, but beyond that, we've honestly never discussed it.

So yes, he's aware that he doesn't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:51

Ok - I think I will tell him, just to avoid any awkward 'finding out' while friend is visiting. But I'll do it in a casual way, just saying "thought you should know that friend and I once had a bit of a thing, while we were travelling, just one of those things that happens."

OP posts:
StillWishihadabs · 13/04/2014 13:52

It is just the way the group of friends I had age 17-22 operated, no big secrets but people's history belonged to them IYSWIM. If someone confides in you then that's an honour and you would be disrespecting them to share it with a third party.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:52

I think if DH had a friend coming to stay, I'd just out and out ask him "Did you and her ever get it on?". Just to know.

He's not like me though, not as forthright!

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:56

Still I have some friends who operate with that moral code, others who don't. My family are v v v bad at keeping things to themselves. They think nothing of going on about past boyfriends in front of DH, making fun of me about getting upset about a boyf etc. It's awful.

Actually, the other day, my DF did this. I told him that DH has just bought a car, but said "Oh not a NEW one, he could never afford one of those" and DF replied "Well your EX boyfriend did, he bought a brand new one for £xxx".. totally irrelevant, happened many years ago, ex boyf was an abusive arse... WTF?

So you can see why I might be anxious....

OP posts:
Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:57

I think I've just talked myself into keeping my friend well away from my family during his visit....

OP posts:
Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:58

Thank you notadog I'll give it a try

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 13/04/2014 14:27

I agree with biwi, I'm surprised by some of the comments here

PenelopePitstops · 13/04/2014 14:35

I'm surprised by some of these comments. Of course you should tell him but this doesn't give him the right to refuse a stay. Since when did people become so judgemental about who you have slept with sleeping under your roof. I would have very few friends to stay if this were the case. Op you sound like you will handle this perfectly.

LadyofSpain · 13/04/2014 15:08

Leave well alone. If you bring this up now, it will assume an importance that it never actually had. If it comes up during the visit, then deal with it the way you dealt with your dad's remark about the car. In other words, why would anyone need to know something that had no meaning then, and even less now.

Bogeyface · 13/04/2014 15:25

I dont see why some people are going on about it being inappropriate/disrespectful etc It says far more about the insecurities of those posters than it does the OP.

They are friends, why cant he stay over? I have a friend that I had a couple of encounters with, but we still see each other, still go out for drinks in our social group and H is fine with it. He knows because we were friends for years before we got together, otherwise I probably wouldnt have told him as it wouldnt cross my mind that he needed to know!

I agree with ladyofspain that if you bring it up now it may give the impression that there was more to it (or even that you still like him in that way). If it does get mentioned by anyone then just brush it off as of no importance, and yes, keep him away from your family!

maddy68 · 13/04/2014 15:31

I would drip feed this too. I would say something along the lines of we went out a couple if times then realised we didn't fancy each other. Best move ever now we are great friends.

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