Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

[NothingRhymesWithOranges]

Not a case of having something to hide. It's a case of having moved on.

I guess the debate boils down to what you value in a partner. Do you want to be married to someone who gets jealous and where you have to tread on eggshells, or someone who accepts that you may have a past and actually is able to deal with that to the point where it's not an issue and therefore not relevant.

[NothingRhymesWithOranges]

Sheherazade

[stooshe]

Notnew....Thanks for being the only one who has brought up the point of view about this that I have been harbouring. Especially in light of what is the usual retorts to OPs who right in about their partner's having an "emotional affair" with somebody other than them. Which is what this is surely, if the OP doesn't tell her partner that her best friend in the whole wide world was her lover and stopped being so when he went abroad. They became best friends instead.

[SheherazadeSchadenfreude]

Some of the responses on here remind me of my mother telling me that my husband would always be able to "throw in my face" the fact that I wasn't a virgin on my wedding night.

[stooshe]

Sherazade... Nah...in clear terms what nobody seems to want to tell the OP (but would be quick to fling words if she had written in was the "victim") is that if she is so easy going, she shouldn't feel no way telling her partner that the man who will be eating food that I assume her husband contributed to is somebody who she used to fuck. The Fuckage stopped when said best friend went abroad.
The "it was only fucking" argument is naive considering that they are best friends, now.As somebody who has out down a fair bit of fuckage of her own (but having the nous to at least walk a bit further up the road to get my next fuck on), whilst it is my right to to fuck who I want (providing we both want to), my right doesn't trump the obvious possibility of mashing a loving partner's corn toe by inviting a best friend around who I used to "only fuck" and my current partner isn't any the wiser. This isn't anything to do with "wimmin's rights". It's to do with trust and respect.

Sorry if I don't fall for the naive assumption that a loving long term partner is supposed to assume that my best friend( that I have invited to share our home) was no more than a masturbatory aid. Especially if one of my big gobbed family (who the fuck else knows , apart from the husband?) starts letting off over the wine and cheese?

Too many on here have not pointed out that not telling her partner would render the OP a very sly woman. This has hardly anything to do with women and their right to fuck who they want. That only comes in to play if the OPs husband tears her a new one over her sexual past and I doubt that will happen.

[OPohdear]

Anyone else think the reason OP hasn't posted since Monday is that her DH has hit.the.roof that she kept this from him and still wants her xFB to stay?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Maybe. Or maybe she's freaked out by the vehemence of some posts!

[MistressDeeCee]

If this were in reverse and a DH was talking of bringing his ex fuck-buddy to stay and not telling his wife, I can just imagine the clamouring 'they are/had an EA..he is massively disrespecting you...don't stand for it...in your shoes Id LTB' and so on. The Relationships Board tells the story.

There's a lot of big talk on here from people who make it sound as if their DH is a mouselike man who should and does roll over and say 'yes dear' when they speak. & should he feel jealous or a bit upset about something thats a massive no-no to be slapped down immediately. & of course there is absolutely no 'inn-between'..care not if he is kind and loving most of the time and in many ways. As if at times he should become jealous or upset abou tan unusual situation presented to him regarding his partner's ex sleeping in their home then that obviously translates to him being a constant massive control freak rooted in the 1950s...so he'd better hide how he feels. Or else.

Yeah...Im sure thats how your relationship really rolls...

I hope OPs gone off to talk with her DH and they've worked out a compromise that suits them both. Or if she hasn't spoken to him then she's come to a conclusion that won't cause her any more angst.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

I'm glad to see I'm now not the only person on this thread who feels, as so often on MN, that the majority view would be quite different if the sexes were reversed.

[LackaDAISYcal]

words fail me, they really do. The OP probably isn't back as she is appalled by the glee of those waiting to say "ooooh, we told you so". I am utterly appalled by the queue of you all waiting to have your idiotic views on a modern marriage vindicated.

abi, I didn't say "you smug git" I said you were coming across as a smug git, but hey, if the cap fits...

[BleachedWhale]

"If this were in reverse and a DH was talking of bringing his ex fuck-buddy to stay and not telling his wife, I can just imagine the clamouring 'they are/had an EA..he is massively disrespecting you...don't stand for it...in your shoes Id LTB' and so on."

I would be saying 'get a grip, don't be so neurotic, jealous and possessive' with the caveat that I would expect the DH to mention it / not keep it a secret - and that she should give him no cause to want to keep it a secret by being jealous, possessive and neurotic. I would suggest that she is making herself look insecure, or question why she feels insecure about former shags that came to nowt.

[GladitsnotJustMe]

Oh deary me... I seem to have opened up a can of wiggly worms!!

Sorry to disappoint, but the reason I haven't posted is that i've been away with work, doing boring RL stuff.

Also sorry to disappoint, but I won't 'pull my finger out' and tell DH just so I can report back to you all here. I'm not here for your entertainment.

I do indeed plan to tell DH, when the time is right (i.e. when I'm actually at home rather than away with work), and I do think he will be ok with it. I certainly don't expect him to refuse to allow my friend to stay. It's inconceivable that he would react that way. At the very worst DH might feel a bit uncomfortable around my friend.

But I do agree with the many posters on here that my friendship with this guy is important to me. I have a right to spend time with my friend, and DH ought to (and will, I'm fairly sure) respect that.

Asking him to stay in a hotel would just exacerbate the issue - let me clarify. Friend is going to Scotland for work. I live in London. I've invited him down to London to extend his visit for a weekend. I could have gone up to Scotland to visit him, without DH, but chose to invite him here so they could meet. Changing that invitation to "Oh actually, DH has an issue with the fact that we shagged a few times nearly a decade ago, so would you mind staying in a hotel while visiting me please" Would make a MASSIVE deal out of something which shouldn't be an issue... I can't believe anyone thinks otherwise.

I have really appreciated some of the viewpoints on here, both for and against me telling DH, and the insights into relationships.

I'm glad I'm not the only person who has a few past conquests under her belt, is still friends with some of them and thinks that this is completely, boringly normal.

Ooh that's just reminded me actually of an actual ex boyfriend of mine who I'm still friends with, who DH is fully aware of and has never had an issue with. I'd forgotten about him, but that reassures me that DH should be fine with this.

[motherinferior]

You sound lovely, and I am sure your DH is quite lovely too (he had the sense to marry you!) and I hope you all have a terrific time.

[BleachedWhale]

Davros:" "Oh yes, we had sex a few times, it was AAAGGEEsss ago though darling. Well hes staying and if you don't like it, fuck you!!!" I think we would be in relationship crisis territory and that's an understatement."

If it went "I'm looking forward to OldFriend coming to stay and he's looking forward to meeting you at last. It seems weird that you have never met him, since you have met the other 2. Oh, I know what I meant to tell you - you know you thought I might have had a fling with XYZ? Actually it was OldFriend I had a short-lived FWB arrangement with - but it didn't suit either of us - as you can tell! Is there any thing you want to ask me about it before he arrives?" would it still be a relationship crisis? And if you said you felt a bit weird about it, and your DW said "I suppose it could feel a bit weird - but to me it feels like a different lifetime and I was a different person - and I'm glad I ended up with you. But he'll always be one of those friends, just like the other two that you met. How are you feeling about it?" would that be a crisis? How much weirdness would you be willing to accommodate before deciding that your feeling weird is more important to you than your DW's wish to keep up with old friends?

[OPohdear]

OP, even if he's fine in principle with an xFB staying over, he might be upset you made the arrangement without telling him the history - a "lie by omission" - and think you're only saying something now because you're worried he'll find out.

If he feels the stay is a fait accompli and that his feelings don't make any difference to you, it would be reasonable for him to resent you for it. So it's vitally important that you make it clear you will cancel the stay if it makes him at all uncomfortable.

And if you do end up cancelling, please don't tell your xFB it's because your DH is uncomfortable. It's your fault you didn't tell your DH about the history when you made the plan, so you should take the blame if things go wrong now, not dump him in it.

Of course it's your right to spend time with your friend, but it's not your right to have him stay over if your DH is uncomfortable with that - it's his house too! I hope it goes well and you're honest enough to show him this thread...

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Why the hell should she show him the thread? The only opinion that matters to him is his own? If I ask a friend's opinion on something then I ask DH, if i don't tell him what friend thought, am I then not "honest enough"??

Sheesh.

"How much weirdness would you be willing to accommodate before deciding that your feeling weird is more important to you than your DW's wish to keep up with old friends?"

This. Absolutely. I have a friend, she's DH's "type", they like the same music that I'm not fussed about so
Once every so often they'll go to a concert together. Do I feel a bit weird about it? Sure. Do I have any grounds for concern? Nope. So do I stand in the way of two people I care about doing something fun? Nope.

[NurseyWursey]

I wouldn't tell him because to me it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Telling him would make it a thing and it would be on both your minds all the way through.

It's not like the friend is going to say 'oh remember that time we shagged?'

[motherinferior]

Look, the OP's made her decision. Stop trying to make her feel guilty, or lecturing her sententiously on how this is disrespecting her partner. Give her credit for running her own life, and making her own decisions.

[ChocolateWombat]

Opohdear, well put.

If there is any resentment, it is likely to be about Husand feeling OP doesnt respect his feelings, not anything to do with what has happened in the past. If it all becomes a problem (and it may well not) this will not be down to the husband, but down to the OP, firstly not mentioning it before inviting friend to stay, but mostly if she is then unwilling to respond if he feels uncomfortable with this guy staying. He really should be given a choice and not just told.

Seeing as the OP wants to be in a good relationship with husband into future, she can avoid this, by being willing (if necessary) to change the plans if husband does indeed feel awkward. She can still see the friend.

I still see the unwillingness to be prepared to consider that it might be necessary to alter the plans, because of Scotland etc to be the biggest issue. It is perfectly possible to tell EXFB that he cannot stay, without going into the reasons. If this prevents the building up of resentment (which I think husband would be justified in feeling....not about the EXFB, but about wife's unwillingness to lconsider how he feels) then I think the minor awkwardness is well worth it.

[OPohdear]

doctrine, it would be honest because it shows him what she really thinks.

mother, she asked for advice, and we're all still giving it.

chocolate, exactly this.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

It shows him what a bunch of internet strangers think. I'm sure that she can tell him what she thinks.

OP, hope you have a great time. I don't think there is much more I can stand to say on this subject!

[ChocolateWombat]

I could have understood it,if OP had decided not to tell husband about the past...sort of. Perhaps they both have had lots of previous partners and meet up with lots of them and don't explicitly say if they have or not had sex with them. Or perhaps it is just assumed that sex has happened when there are long term old friends. It might be the norm in their relationship to just not talk about it, because they are comfortable with meeting exes.

However, the more I think about it,n the more it seems odd to me, to want to tell him BUT not to want to act on any possible feeli gs husband has about it. Seems to me that the 2 things automatically go together.

What exactly is the point in telling husband? Is it for husbands benefit?? Because if he is told about it (and isnt happy about it)but also told that it is going ahead regardless of how he feels.....in what way is that to his benefit. He now has a guy coming to visit, he wishes he did t have and a feeling that his wife doesn't care about his feelings.
So it makes me think the OP only wants to tell him to benefit herself really. If she could be sure, it wouldn't be mentioned during the stay, she would keep quiet. But she is worried there is a possibility of it coming out and doesn't want that to happen, bcaause it would be embarrassing and husband would not be pleased to find out like that.
The fact that she is determined exFB should come to stay regardless, sounds selfish to me. There are many ways she could see him, whilst respecting husband too.

[MistressDeeCee]

Having had a sexual past doesn't make anybody oh so fab and more 'openminded' than anyone else. Its no biggie I mean, we've all had one. Just because we don't have need the ex fuck-buddy as a spectre in our current relationship it doesn't give anyone else props for being 'more with it'.

The DH's feelings don't matter, its just a 'put up and shut up' expectation.

Thats kinda in line with putting up a post asking for advice and then going on about not being here for people's entertainment. ummm..OK then.

You can pull a thread if you want OP, just in case you didn't know. Might be an idea if you feel you are the axis of entertainment

[motherinferior]

Actually this thread is titled should I tell DH. Not 'how should I deal with DH's reaction'. The OP has in fact taken on advice about her initial question - and put up with a hell of a lot of pompous lecturing too, along with advice she never bloody asked for. Telling her to 'report back' was bang out of order, not least because so many people are circling and drooling over the enticing prospect of her DH casting her out in her shift to roam the streets forlornly.