Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

You make me motherinferior

Having had a sexual past doesn't make anybody oh so fab and more 'openminded' than anyone else. Its no biggie I mean, we've all had one. Just because we don't have need the ex fuck-buddy as a spectre in our current relationship it doesn't give anyone else props for being 'more with it'. - I hope that wasn't aimed at me, Mistress, since not once have I ever claimed to be 'more openminded' than anyone else, or 'more with it'.

In fact I think I described it as 'completely, boringly normal'. As for those other posters who have shared their own stories of having various sexual partners and being totally fine with it, I applaud them for their honesty and they have certainly made me feel more normal!

As for going on about not being here for people's entertainment - I mentioned it once. One sentence. I found it offensive, and felt I needed to defend myself.

I won't pull the thread, it's fine. I think everyone's opinions are really interesting and I'm finding the discussion useful.

Glad - if it was aimed at you, Id have said so directly.

It was aimed at a some posters who I felt were speaking as if taking your DHs feelings into account amounted to being the 'little woman' & I still maintain, what they're advising you to do in that respect doesn't necessarily relate to what really happens in real life. I generalised as wouldnt ever be bothered to go through and pick out post

Id assume everyone here is being honest about what they think. Its a subject being put out there & Im being honest about what I think, as 1 amongs many with varying opinions. .

Id have thought a suggestion you may feel to pull the thread (purely based on seeing you say you feel your situation is entertainment for some) is better than 'can you report back'. But its an internet board so different folks different strokes

Very silly question to ask. Reverse the rolls and how would you feel?

I'm sure you will all have a lovely few days, glad Enjoy meeting up with your old friend.

I'm pretty sure OP would be absolutely fine with it, given what she's said about how their relationship works...

Reverse the rolls? Stand them on their crusts? No, no, that's just plain wrong!

You see, we're wimmin. We're not supposed to have a sexual history before we met our husbands. We were supposed to remain chaste until The One came and swept us off our feet, and then remain beholden to him.

I despair at some of the posts on this thread.

Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't see the problem!
I have a best mate who I've slept with in the past, DH knows this. Me and this guy are still best mates and often hug and go round each other's and stuff. DH is fine with it (he was my 'ex' that I broke up with a couple of months before getting with DH and as DH and I were friends while we were together he knew without me having to tell him). To all those who say 'how do you know your DH is fine with it? Of course I can't know for 100% certain but we have had 'the conversation' and he insists he's fine. I said 'DH I have realised that I am quite huggy etc with X and have thought it might make you uncomfortable, if it does I'll stop and not see him as much either. DH told me not to be so damn silly as this guy is my friend and I chose DH over him and he trusts me. That's what it comes down to I think trust. We've been out with some of DH's exs before (who are still single) and DH has been out alone with one of them. Yes of course I had a few niggles, but I trust DH so have to suck it in. Some may say I'm a mug but, well, that's my decision to make isn't it. I don't see why your DH needs to know tbh. If I found out my DH had someone round and it turned out they went out years ago I wouldn't bat an eyelid - would it be different if you had never gone out with the friend but he was hot and single? (Guessing your DH wouldn't let them stay though) what about still hot but taken and of opposite sex?
Past is the past and should be kept there.

This really isn't about having a sexual past, or thinking men expect women not to have one, or are upset when they are told they do. It really, really isn't about this. It isn't about women's rights.

It is all about being willing to give partner a chance to express their view once they are in receipt of all the information needed to express a view, and then being prepared to consider their view and the possibility of altering ones own actions based on it.

In this case, it so happens it is about an exFB. However, OP or any of us should be willing to give our partners a chance to express their view about all kinds of things. Ones which come to mind include taking another job, having another child, booking a holiday, planning a visit to family, buying a car. Some of these are trivial and others are bigger issues. In all of these, wouldn't it be good to tell partner what we ar planning, and ask his view on it, being prepared to negotiate, compromise or even change our plans, if partner raises fair, relevant points about our plan (which we might not have thought of ourselves)

So, some posters are getting upset and seeing comments on here as saying women should not have a sexual past, men have no rights to feelings about it etc etc, but that REALLY is NOT what this is about. The exFB is just the context of what is a bigger question about how willing we are to take into account our partners views when making decisions. They of course should be taking into account our views too.

An earlier poster identified the big issue here, of presenting a fait accompli......this is my decision and I don't care what you think, because Im going ahead. Can't we all see that is problematic?

Oh, enough with the rhetorical bombast and the loaded questions, CW. It is about a sexual past, you've said so yourself in earlier posts: you switch between 'this is more significant than another issue because it is about sex' and 'no it isn't about sex it's about mutual decision-making' . And actually this straw donkey of 'fait accompli' and 'sod you pal this is my decision' and 'mouse-like husbands' is only a figment of the fevered imaginations of those who feel that the OP's friend should stay in a hotel....none of us on the other side have in fact said anything of the kind.

Of COURSE it's about having a sexual past. Do you tell your dh that you used to skip school with your best friend before she came round to your house for the first time? Do you feel the need to give chapter and verse on the time you got screamingly drunk with your mate and ate Burger King in the village square at 3am when said mate appears 29 years later? Of course you don't, because that's irrelevant to your current relationship with that person. The fact that you once had sex with someone is equally irrelevant in my view, but for some reason you accord it special significance, probably because you assume that most men would be horrified to be confronted by GASP someone else who had carbal knowledge of their precious wife. Point 1 - that's simply not true and point 2 - even if it was true in this case, the ops dh would be being ridiculous & it's not incumbent on op to change her behaviour to accommodate the ridiculousness.

Personally, I don't have an issue with the OP having a sexual past and there is nothing to suggest the husband does either. He is not a mouse and neither is the OP. The OP refers to him 'deserving' to know. This was her word.
She thinks he will be fine with it, based in past experiences, but of course does not know exactly how he will feel.
IF he ends up upset, it is VERY UNLIKELY to be about the OP having slept with the friend in the past. Instead, it is likely to be caused by the timing of OP telling him, but more importantly if she then in clear that she is going ahead with the visit, no matter what he thinks.
I think if husband WOULD be justified in feeling resentment then. The resentment would not be about this guy really at all, but OPs disregard of him. Whether he will feel resentment or not, we don't know.

Putting myself in the position of the husband, I don't think I would be too worried about the person coming to stay. However, I think I would have liked to have had the chance to express a view that was acted on, without it being considered ridiculous and not worthy of consideration.

I think that all of us would like to feel our partners actually care about our feelings and don't just press ahead with their own desires if they cause us difficulty. That is all I'm saying....and really I do think that I am not alone in feeling that.

I wouldn't care if an old flame of DP's came to stay - we all have a past and we are both quite friendly with our ex's.

However, I think I'd want to know they had history as not knowing and finding out would feel like there was something to hide.

Drama said "I said 'DH I have realised that I am quite huggy etc with X and have thought it might make you uncomfortable, if it does I'll stop and not see him as much either"

That is the crux for some of us and, I think Chocolate. You gave your the DH the information AND said that IF he was uncomfortable you would take that into account. He said he wasn't - good for him and good for you.

The OP wasn't sure about telling him and while not coming out and saying so in black and white, has come across as that if DH has a problem then it's his problem and she wouldn't be making any other arrangements to take account of his feelings (whether WE feel they would be unreasonable or not). That, I think, it what some of us have problems with - the potential dismissal of her DH's feelings (which, of course, none of us including the OP actually knows).

Anyone else think... etc etc...

For the record, OP, I really hope your DH reacts well to all this, but I think you should prepare for the possibility he won't. Good luck - and be honest!

It may be difficult for your friend's wife to know that her husband has been invited to stay at his ex fwb's house.

The thought of my boyfriend's ex inviting him to stay over at her house is horrendous to me, no matter how innocent all parties insist it will be.

Why can't he stay in a B&B?