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Original poster

Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

293 replies

GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 12:47

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 13/04/2014 13:11

I'm really liberal but I think it's really inappropriate to have someone you've had sex with stay in your home with your husband without your husband knowing. It's just not on in my opinion.

I know my dh would be really upset. We don't keep in contact with any of our exes at all, well except for dds dad but he lives in the USA and has contact through dd and that's it.

mangomodellingclay · 13/04/2014 13:11

I think it's complicated but not inappropriate. I agree a FWB isn't like a relationship. Tell DH but be prepared for him to be hurt/angry. He may be fine with it, he might not.

BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:12

Why on earth not? I'm very good friends with several of my ex-boyfriends. Why shouldn't I be? They were decent blokes, which is why we went out together. Just because we no longer have a physical relationship doesn't mean we couldn't be friends. My DH does not get to determine who I am friends with or who I invite to our house. And, similarly, I wouldn't dictate that to him either.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:13

BIWI good to hear it from another point of view! I was wondering whether I'm just a giant slut to still be friends with a guy I slept with 8 years ago. (just trying to do the maths, it could even have been 10 years ago).

It's in the past. In fact, if you were to raise it now, it might signal that it isn't quite in the past!

Yes this is exactly why I haven't really brought it up with DH. I don't want to make a big deal about it, because it's not a big deal.

But then friend announced he was coming to this country, and I felt that the time for nonchalantly mentioning that he and I had a past was now gone and now anything I say will make it 'A Big Deal'

OP posts:
Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:15

I think if the tables were turned, if DH told me about a past-ex but assured me there was nothing between them now, then I'd be fine.

I don't think I'd be fine if I found out during her visit, which is why I'm anxious to clear the air before he comes.

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:15

Absolutely. It's irrelevant. It's the past.

And Shock that you would think that because you've slept with a man in the past that you would be a slut! Grin

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:16

I could just totally play it down and say "when we first met, we had a few drunken fumbles, but then decided not to bother and we preferred each other as friends"

It's not strictly true... but at least DH would be aware there was a past, without feeling too insecure about there being any feelings between us now.

OP posts:
notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flipflapsflop · 13/04/2014 13:17

you've answered your question at 13.15. and BTW, no one called you a giant slut, did they?

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:18

And Shock that you would think that because you've slept with a man in the past that you would be a slut!

Oh there are far more reasons to think I'm a slut than sleeping with this particular guy..

Our 'history' is really so not an issue between us any more, I'm just really anxious for DH to see it like that as well.

OP posts:
mansize · 13/04/2014 13:19

Nobody is saying or implying you're a slut. Why would it make you a slut?!

All I see is people suggesting you consider your husband's feelings in this. It has nothing to do with the 1950s - it's about courtesy and respect in a relationship.

pombearsforbrunch · 13/04/2014 13:21

Reading thread with interest, as honestly wouldn't occur to me that my DH would be annoyed if I invited an ex to stay. I'm staying with an ex away from home in a few weeks, and didn't think to even ask if it was ok. What happened to trust?

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:22

Yes, I understand what you're saying mansize , and I agree that I should tell DH.

But some have suggested that I shouldn't have this friend to stay at all. I think that would make more of a big deal of things than anything.

He's coming over from overseas for a work thing to another part of the UK, then has arranged to make the trip down to where I live for a weekend visit. We haven't seen each other for 5 years. Do people really think I ought to cancel this, just because I slept with him 8 years ago and it's disrespectful to DH?

OP posts:
mansize · 13/04/2014 13:22

If your partner trusts you then surely there's no issue telling them?

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:22

pombears does your DH know that your friend is an ex?

I think the issue is whether I should tell DH beforehand nor not.

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:23

"really op all you can do is tell your husband and let him decide if he wants tomput this man up in his house or not."

It's the OP's house as well, surely? Or are we really back in 1950?

GladitsnotJustMe - you're over-thinking this. Unless you still have feelings for this man, why is it an issue?

notadoglikernevermindlover · 13/04/2014 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:24

Yeah we trust each other completely.

It's just that he hasn't really confronted any of my past before (although I've had to confront his ex-wife on a few occasions, which was far, far worse but obviously I knew who she was)

I worry he may be a little sensitive about knowing about my past relationships - but I may be doing him a disservice, he might be fine with it. I'm just over thinking.

OP posts:
Legologgo · 13/04/2014 13:24

No. Don't.

BIWI · 13/04/2014 13:25

mansize is saying it is about trust! And I totally agree. It's nothing whatsoever to do with courtesy and respect. That's nonsense.

mansize · 13/04/2014 13:25

Do people really think I ought to cancel this, just because I slept with him 8 years ago and it's disrespectful to DH?

No. But you should be prepared that your husband may be uncomfortable with it and may not want him to stay in your home.

pombearsforbrunch · 13/04/2014 13:25

Absolutely knows. And knows why he's an ex! I think he'd be more concerned if it was a new friend with no history!

Original poster
GladitsnotJustMe · 13/04/2014 13:25

x post with BIWI - I am over thinking it, for sure

OP posts:
flipflapsflop · 13/04/2014 13:26

no you shouldn't cancel. yes you should tell him before he arrives.

what if your old friend tells your hubby? could be a disaster, right?

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