Should I tell DH about past relationship with old friend before he comes to stay?

[GladitsnotJustMe]

I have an old friend coming to stay with me and DH. He lives abroad, I haven't seen him for 5 years, and DH has never met him.

When we were young, many many years ago, we had a 'friends with benefits' type relationship. We slept together a few times, but decided we were happier as friends, especially as he lived abroad. He is now happily married with 2 children, and our past is not an issue between us at all.

DH doesn't know about our past. Should I tell him?

I'm worried that if I tell him, it might upset DH and put him on edge. However, I'm also worried that if I don't tell him, it might slip out when my friend socialises with my family (who know about our past), or it might just be obvious, and I don't want DH to feel upset at all.

What would be the best thing to do?

Jackey, it may only be sex, and may not have been a big deal even back when it happened, but that is not what this is about.

It is about recognising that some people feel uncomfortable meeting those who their spouse has previously had sex with. It is about simply accepting that, rather than saying they should or should not feel like that, and respecting their feelings, so not putting them in positions which make them feel uncomfortable. We are talking about the OPs husband here.....he is not just another guy she is shagging, but her lifetime partner who she has been with for years and who she wants to make happy. She will be with him for years to come and having a guy over who makes her husband uncomfortable about, is just not worth it, in terms of the longer term possible repercussions.

This is not about being a doormat, but respecting the one you love.

I have met a couple of my husband's old girlfriends and he has met a couple of mine, but these have tended to be at say a social dinner with lots of people, weddings or perhaps a lunch with them.

There's a big difference between smiling, saying hi and generally having a superficial interaction with someone your husband has shagged and having them stay in your home, wandering around in their nightattire and laughing at their jokes over the cornflakes. I would feel uncomfortable with this, especially if there appeared to still be a bit of a sexual spark (which there well might be if the only reason you stopped shagging was because he was abroad).

I would be honest and probably cancel, though I would suggest meeting up with old flame for lunch/dinner during his stay. This wouldn't be an issue for me.

Abbykins, I think you are right and that ideally, the OP should just cancel the invitation. Whether she then tells her husband why is up to her. If she doesn't, husband may wonder exactly why it has been cancelled.

Honesty seems best to me. Early honesty is best, but later honesty is better than none. It is often more tricky and embarrassing, but it is the right thing to do. Husband may then say he wouldn't have minded, or he would have minded...but either way,will no doubt appreciate the gesture of cancellation, as an effort to respect how he might feel.

The problem here though, is the OP is very keen to see this ex friend and seems to see cancellation as a big issue. I'm not sure if that is because it will be embarrassing to cancel (think this is issue) or that she is so keen to see the ex. I think this needs to be got over, so that she is willing to put her husband first, rather than avoiding an embarrassing cancellation.

I'm siding with those who don't think this is a big deal. I've met a couple of DH's exs and they have come to stay with us etc. Actually more than a couple... I'm fine with that- he's with me now! Most of them are people I have stuff in common with and we get on well.
But I think if he'd invited a friend to visit and I found out LATER that they had a history and he hadn't told me I would be pissed off. I would feel that I should have been aware because if I was the only person in the room who didn't know, I would feel that somehow I was forced into a lower status position. I would wonder why he felt the need to hide it.
So you should tell him, you should also give him the option of cancelling. He doesn't have any right to distrust you or be angry with you because of your past, but he is perfectly entitled to feel uncomfortable with this particular situation.
I would probably approach it quite gently like 'You know when so and so comes to visit, are you still ok with that? We have a bit of ancient history I guess so I wouldn't want you to feel awkward, obviously we haven't seen each other in a long time'. Allow him to ask any questions he wants.

How do you think he will react?

OP
what will you do if your husband decides he is not comfortable with it ?
You could easily end up in a situation where you have to piss off your friend or your husband.

Guybrush you confused me a little there. You start off saying its not a big deal then give a perfect precis of my (and others arguments) who say it IS a big deal !

Sorry- to clarify: Having an ex to stay is not a big deal. But not giving him a heads up is unfair IMO.

Basically I was agreeing with you davros. What I don't agree with is those suggesting that it's definitively inappropriate to invite someone you've slept with to visit.

Guybrush
ok. And I have a mate actually who is pretty much in that situation - his wife has an ex to visit every now and then. He is cool with that, so no problem. I think the key point here is that OP husband has to know and be genuinely OK with it in advance.

I'm pretty certain (having not been in this situation I can't be 100% sure) that I would be fine with any of DH's exes coming for a visit.

I know that I'm fine with DH's female friends coming for a visit.

For reasons I struggle to articulate, I wouldn't be at all happy if some stayed who I thought was a friend but who turned out to have been more. I think it's because the 'something more' would have become somehow secret and sordid.

I would much prefer it if he told me beforehand. Then it would all be fine again.

What I wouldn't like is the power imbalance implicit in 2 people out of 3 knowing something that the last person doesn't.

Thanks again everyone - I have decided to tell DH, because, as some of you point out, it's not fair that two of us know and he doesn't. He deserves to know everything and make his own judgement based on the full facts.

I just wanted to clarify something though:

Why risk your marriage for some friend from your past who now lives overseas? My DH would be really suspicious as to why it was so important for him to see you personally anyway - he should be pretty much a pleasant memory as you have both moved on.

OP is very keen to see this ex friend and seems to see cancellation as a big issue. I'm not sure if that is because it will be embarrassing to cancel (think this is issue) or that she is so keen to see the ex

He is not someone from the past, or an ex-friend or ex-boyfriends - he is one of my oldest, dearest current friends. We happened to sleep together years ago. We have remained friends ever since. I went to his wedding.

Yes it would be embarrassing to cancel - and yes, I am keen to see my friend, as I haven't seen him for 5 years. He lives overseas, and is coming to the UK for work, so it is inconceivable that I would not want to see him.

If I cancelled, and made a big deal out of it, it would inflate our past into something way more important than it actually is. I think this would create more of an issue about it.

Imagine I say to DH - you know my friend, who is married and has just had his second child? The one I speak to on a regular basis. Well because of our history I can't possibly have him to stay. Friend would then have to explain to his wife that he has had to change his plans because he couldn't possibly come and visit me because we shagged a few times 8 years ago - thus potentially making it a big deal for her too.

That would be making a far bigger deal out of it than it is. It is not an issue between us. I presume it's not an issue for his wife - although I don't actually know. It's not an issue for our mutual friends.

The only issue is that DH doesn't know and deserves to. I will tell him and hope that he's still ok with it. I have no idea what to do if he is not, but cancelling my friend would make a huge big deal out of something that really isn't a big deal.

do not have him to stay at all if you want to keep your marriage.
'forsaking all others' remember?
(speaking from bitter experience that i did not dump a 'friend with benefits' and tried to pass him off as a friend)

OP - while I agree that someone's sexual past is their sexual past, I do think there is a difference between remaining in touch and having that person to stay in the family home if your husband doesn't know. The fact that it was two friends who slept together a few times rather than an actual relationship doesn't really make a difference. The point in you two and all your friends know something your husband doesn't and that's potentially awkward.

What concerns me a bit is how YOU keep saying that cancelling your friend's visit would make a huge big deal out of something that really isn't a big deal. To YOU it may not be. To YOUR HUSBAND it might, and I would hope you would put HIM above your FRIEND if that turns out to be the case.

In your husband's shoes, while I wouldn't have a problem with you catching up with your friend, I don't think I'd want him staying over. So your friend simply checks into a hotel - no big deal, surely??

OP, I think some posters have been harsh on you.
I have had (ahem!) several friends with benefits, all before I knew DH.
we have never specifically discussed it but I think he assume every man who has met me is likely to have tried it on ( he thinks I am gorgeous -I am not ). I think it can only work (having him to stay) as ,long as DH knows - he has to - and can be the magnanimous winner of you, when others didn't get you.

Having an ex to stay is not a problem at all, surely. We regularly visit by ex-boyfriend's family (he died) and have several of my DH's ex girlfriends to stay, one of whom is my DD's godmother, another is now a very close friend. They were all swopping around at University and it is long since in the past.

I would just casually mention it as a "fling". No harm at all.

My DH has lots of female friends, and I have male ones. Neither of us has ever slept with any of them, so your specific problem has never come up, but if he had slept with one of them and I didn't know, I would be very very unhappy at suddenly finding out while she was staying with us. I don't understand at all why you didn't tell him ages ago, especially when you were making plans to meet up. I think you should tell your DH the full truth right away, and then work with whatever his feelings about it are.

It is about recognising that some people feel uncomfortable meeting those who their spouse has previously had sex with.

Well, my own dear Mr Inferior now tends to assume I've had sex with most of the male friends I introduce him to (and he's not completely wrong) ... wow, this thread is quite an eye-opener. Is there a hierarchy too - people you lived with/had a bit of a fling with/had a FWB arrangements with/once got drunk and shagged (or you probably did, you can't quite remember) for the hell of it?

I went to stay with mutual friends, where an ex of three years' standing is living at the moment. Curiously enough, despite an outrageously drunken evening, we managed to keep our clothes on. And DP was, I rather think, completely unperturbed by this.

Having an ex to stay is not a problem at all, surely.

No, not a problem at all. But I would want to know that it was an ex who was staying, IYSWIM.

OP, you say it is not a big deal. The thing is, it's not a big deal for you, but it might be for your husband. This is about HIM and his reaction, not how you feel about it.

Tbh, the fact that he is a close, dear friend, might make it all worse, from husbands point of view. I'm sure he will understand it was all years ago and only a few times and dint mean anything.....but that doesn't necessarily reduce its significance in someone's mind. Feelings about this kind of thing are by definition not logical. And people react differently, so the fact you or I might feel one way, does not mean husband will or should feel another way.

You sound to me, as if you are having trouble prioritising our husband over this old friend. Yes, he is an old, close, dear friend.....but husband is on a different league altogether and deserves priority. Cancellation maybe necessary and you really need to be prepared to do it, if husband wants you to. Yes, will be difficult with old friend, yes, might create difficulties for him with his wife.....but these are the least of your concerns or should be. Relationship with husband should be top priority. Don't be willing to put him in a position where he feels he cannot say he would rather this other bloke doesn't stay, because you don't want to have a tricky conversation. If he feels like this before the ex comes to visit and then has to accommodate him, who knows what this will do to your relationship into the longer term. Forget that it's not a big deal to you, or to ex, or even to exs wife, think instead about your husband.

Seems to be consensus that he should be told, and that you and ex knowing, whilst husband doesn't is a bit like having a 'dirty little secret' which would be humiliating for husband, if it came out whilst ex was with you. So glad you're not willing to risk that.....hope it's not just because you would have been caught out, but because of genuine concern for how husband would feel.

Tbh, fact that ex is close friend, is an issue I think. if he's a close friend that you talk to often etc, it will seem odd to husband that you never mentioned previous nature of your relationship before. I don't think there is an issue of concern about hi. Not trusting you now or thinking you and ex are likely to have something together now, it's just easier to emotionally deal with the idea of your spouse having had sex with people in the past that now mean nothing to them, rather than with someone they are still close to.

To everyone posting here, I think one thing which becomes clear, is that different people feel differently about meeting the exes of their spouses. Clearly some of you have no issues with it, others of you don't so long as you know, and others do have issues and don't want to meet exes.

None of your reactions is right or wrong. Each is a legitimate response, which we would all hope would be respected by our husbands. With this in mind, we therefore cannot expect the OPs husband to react in one particular way or say any possible reaction is right or wrong. he may be fine with it, or he might not. Either reaction is reasonable and he should be allowed to express either reaction without being made to feel he is somehow wrong, or overly possessive or illiberal, or uncaring. Surely the OP needs to give him a chance to fully express how he feels and then to be willing to do whatever husband feels is right. To either make husband feel he ought to allow the ex to visit, or to insist he should visit because it was all so long ago, is a refusal to acknowledge the validity of husbands feelings within all this. And his feelings are paramount, given the fact they are likely to be hurt to some degree, by the fact OP is only now mentioning the nature of the past relationship, given they are still close, good friends and he has already been invited.

None of this is a criticism of Op for having a sexual past. None of it is saying people cannot spend time with exes. It is simply saying that people feel differently about exes and their wishes need to be respected. They are now the No.1 person and in the sensitive issue of sexual partners, need to feel they are seen as No.1.

Surely the OP needs to give him a chance to fully express how he feels and then to be willing to do whatever husband feels is right.

Er...no, not in my book. I don't believe in doing what my partner thinks is right to the expense of my friendships, frankly.

Mother inferior, don't you feel that this situation is different to most issues where a husband and wife might have different ideas about what to do? I am not suggesting a woman should always do what the man wants in every situation regardless of circumstance.

However, if the OP is willing to totally disregard how her husband feels (which I don't think she is) about an ex coming to stay, how can that be helpful to either of them in their future relationship. It would say negative things about the respect the OP gives her husbands feelings, and would surely cause resentment in the husband, which could only damage the relationship.

Friends are very important, I grant you. In general friendships should be protected and visits of old friends encouraged. Mother inferior, are you saying that if your lifetime partner had difficulties about an ex of yours coming to stay in your joint home, that you would just disregard them, because you wanted to see that ex?

Because I wanted to see my friend, which is what this person is? Whom I shagged occasionally, many years ago, but the important bit was my friendship with someone I hadn't seen for five years?

If my partner told me to cancel him that would say quite a lot about the respect he gave my feelings, and would surely cause resentment in me.

I guess it depends on whether you see your relationship with your spouse as beingmore important than other friendships. I guess it depends on whether you are willing to put their feeling before your own over something sensitive like this. It's not a sign of weakness or being a doormat to do this.

Yes, you could insist that it is your right to see your ex and that your current partner must just put up with it. You could do that. Not sure what the future of relationships where each person always insists on their way is though, especially over a potentially sensitive issue.

I'm willing and happy to go with what my husband wants sometimes, when its not what I want, because I am keen to make him happy. He does the same for me frequently. As far as Im concerned, it's vital in a lifetime relationship. It's knowing when to push for what you want and when not to......this seems a clear case to me of a time when the OP should respect her husbands wishes.....and the fact that the OP is on here asking about it shows she is aware of this and working it through in her mind.