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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
MulliganandOHare · 01/02/2014 01:25

Sorry to hear your H is a selfish, lying idiot. Brace yourself for many emotions in the coming weeks / months. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Hugs

AmazingJumper · 01/02/2014 01:26

Has this happened before?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:28

Never before.

Married almost 15 years. 3 children, 12, 10 and 2...

Feel sick...

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 01/02/2014 01:28

what a prick he is.

what are you going to do?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:29

I haven't a clue...

Have no one to turn to...

I love him... He says he loves me and it was a mistake...

I want that to be true... Sad Sad

OP posts:
MulliganandOHare · 01/02/2014 01:33

Well I think it's probably the nail in the coffin. You need to start planning a future without him - which although sounds daunting will actually turn out more settling. Focus on you. Sod him. He drags you down by the sound of it. X

MulliganandOHare · 01/02/2014 01:34

You can't possibly live with a man like this. Believe me, I've tried.

poncedeleon · 01/02/2014 01:35

Not sure you can say "he drags you down" based on the OP's posts so far TBH. So sorry this is happening to you OP.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:37

This is hugely out of character for him.

He's always been a fantastic husband and dad.

Would never have expected this in a million years...Sad Sad

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 01/02/2014 01:38

what are your initial feelings?

do you want to work through it, or do you want ti rip his head off and shit down his neck?

( and do you think this initial feeling will last?)

redrubyindigo · 01/02/2014 01:38

Stay calm. Talk slow and do not say very much. Ok you have found out he has been having an affair, he has a LOT to gain from any loss of control from you. Eg "I told you what she was like" etc etc if you go mad and scream and shout.

Do you have Dc's? Keep your wits about you and DO NOT HAVE A DRINK to get you through this period. Keep a diary. Do not text him or Google the other woman. That way madness lies. Eat regular meals.

Work out want YOU want before seeing a lawyer. Sorry to be so blunt but learn from mine and others mistakes. You may forgive him, you may not. A hasty trip to the lawyer can complicate matters further. Write it down in a list and then book when you have a clear head.

One thing is sure though. He will protect himself even when he cries for forgiveness. Get your friends and family around you but do not slag him off. That will be hard but if you do patch things up it will put a spanner in the works for the future (thinking of a friend who always does this).

Also. You will be ok whatever happens. I promise.

MulliganandOHare · 01/02/2014 01:38

Well, reading previous posts... I think he does.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:39

A bit of both...

That is why I can't tell anyone in RL. If we managed to work through it and they knew what had happened...

OP posts:
poncedeleon · 01/02/2014 01:41

Sorry, Mulligan, had not read previous.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:43

The only previous post regarding DH is one before Christmas where I posted that he'd said he wasn't sure he loved me any more... Not sure that equates to dragging me down as up until that point I would have said we were happy...

OP posts:
redrubyindigo · 01/02/2014 01:44

Jones

I think he met her before Christmas then.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:46

He did. He has been open about what has gone on (as far as I'm aware).

His behaviour before Christmas all makes sense now.

Ironically I thought we were working through it...

OP posts:
redrubyindigo · 01/02/2014 01:47

Do you love him?

Allalonenow · 01/02/2014 01:47

So very sorry that you are going through this, I know just how painful it is.
Take time to decide what you want to do.
Take care of yourself in the coming days, try to eat even though you might not feel like it. Seek the support of family and close friends.

Sending you courage to help you through this horrible time.

MulliganandOHare · 01/02/2014 01:49

I had the same dilemma - but I did tell friends. Still took me 4 years to see sense. Thing is, they were too polite in the end and it was only after I LTB that they thought he was a wrong-un all the time.

Agree with others. It will take time to sink in. And some time in the future - days, weeks, etc you will know what to do and want to do it. Not saying either way!! But only you will know that, despite shouts of LTB from others or whatever. But it will be jolly painful. Stay with mumsnet, best advice I ever had! X

somersethouse · 01/02/2014 01:51

It is possible to work through you know... he HAS to be contrite and want to, the main thing is to try not to panic. redruby gives perfect advice.

How long had he been seeing OW?

MulliganandOHare · 01/02/2014 01:54

Sorry just reading through re dragging down- I get it now. It was him preparing. I don't know what's worse - a string of women that meant nothing or one EA. I think it boils down to the lying in the end. The lack of trust. Makes my skin crawl. So sorry.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:59

They slept together in October when they went away with work.

It happened again in December.

He was supposed to go out tonight with work but cancelled earlier in the week. He claims it was because he was trying to extricate himself from the situation and remove any temptation it might happen again...

I do love him. Very much...

OP posts:
claraschu · 01/02/2014 02:03

My friend had a similar situation, three kids, devoted contrite husband whom she loved. They worked through it and are better than before now 3 years later. That can happen sometimes, if it is what you both really want.

Mylifenow · 01/02/2014 03:18

I was/am in this position. It all came out 2 years ago, my DD had just been born and he had been away with work and slept with colleague.

I'm still with him, I still kind of love him, or maybe just care about him. I don't know. Nothing has ever been the same since. He has killed the relationship. It doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do now, it's already broken.

To the outside world we have a great relationship, to him we have a good relationship now compared to the last 2 years, but to me, I carry the weight of his revolting behaviour with me in every waking moment.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep waking up to the same reality. I don't even have the energy or impetus to leave.

I hope that you don't become like me. Everyone deserves more than this.

Good luck OP.