Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

has been painful...

Sorry, on phone...

What are you thinking, Jones, about letting other people know? IME (mates h) he was terrified of other people knowing. Might be a good deterrent

Yes...me ex was only truly motivated to try to work it through when others knew...it changed his perception of it all once his family knew....

Public disapproval. Maybe that's a whole separate thread. I wonder if men who have affairs are vain so are bothered by their image

He knows he's been a twat and risked everything.

He knew he was risking everything when he fucked her.

And then he did it again (at least once).

And he's been working up to another shag in recent times.

So, has he given you any explanation as to why this woman and her vagina were worth throwing you and your children under a truck?

JoinYourPlayfellows

You obviously have your own agenda. Please don't post on my thread again. God knows I'm not defending him but you seem very bitter.

This is HUGELY out of character for DH... He is not, and never has been a serial shagger.

He did not go out last night because he was determined to not let it happen again. and yes, he only confessed when I found emails but I know him, and I know he has been honest with me since that point.

I know he's been cowardly and a twat. So does he. But before this things were great... And I would like to believe that with time we will be able to work through this.

A good deterrent to what? He has made it plain to the OW that it is over.

He says that me finding out and the pain he feels now he realises what he has done to me is its own deterrent. I know him and I can see remorse at what he has done. not remorse at being found out.

A good friend knows. I have told DH that he has to tell his sister. It is one of the conditions I have placed on us working through this...

Op. Sorry. You're making excuses for him.

I can't see that this won't happen again

Stop being a doormat. Be angry.

Believe me I am. He knows this. I am not a doormat.

Unless I give him the chance to prove he won't do it again, then what hope do we have for our marriage to continue...

That's an interesting thing about risk.

I don't suppose he did acknowledge what he was risking when this happened. Because he wouldn't allow himself to countenance the risk of you ever finding out. The actual risk of losing you was therefore two steps away from his actions, in his mind.

I don't think anyone who has an affair when they want to stay in their relationships considers the risks very accurately. If they actually acknowledged that committing to Action A (having an affair) definitely resulted in Action B (losing their marriage) - no-one would go ahead.

Your husband seems to be saying that this affair was waning on his side and is putting a lot of store by his change of social plans.

If I were you Jones (it feels awful calling you that!!) I would want to see some evidence to support that. Texts, E mails etc that show that he was trying to extricate himself from this relationship and that he'd told her he wasn't going out because he wanted to end the affair.

Hi OP glad you are starting to get some answers. Did you text your friend in the end (the one referenced above)? Anyway good to hear you got some rl support.

Out of interest did you get to what motivated him to cheat in the first place? I don't understand why he would do that - if there is a problem in the relationship/him from his perspective why did he seek to 'resolve' it with this woman rather than turn to his partner of 15 years for support? I know there may be no answer to this but it might be helpful to understand what the issue was in his head in the first place for him to behave this way.

It doesn't excuse it in any way shape or form mind!

Couples counseling. I know I bang on about it but I think it will help you work through this to have a strong relationship going forward.

And counselling for you! Very important to have somewhere secure to vent and work through the emotions with a neutral party. Then you'll figure out how you want the relationship to look going forward.

There doesn't have to have been a problem in the relationship, for him to have had an affair.

Unless he's saying he had an affair because he felt the relationship was problematical, it's best not to assume this had anything to do with the OP's marriage.

No exactly, it's not that she did anything wrong at all. It's more what was the issue in his head that made him want to do that. I don't ever understand it, if you have a problem talk it out why run to some woman and handle it that way? Why would you want to ruin a happy family by doing something like this?

If that makes sense. Op you don't have to reply if it's too intrusive, apologies. I personally would want to know. Also DF is a serial philanderer so I always wonder what the motivation is to cause so much potential hurt.

Jones

This is an impossible ask but try to stay cool and calm. Inside you may want to scream insults and chuck stuff. It is very early days and you need a clear head. I found work a place to 'escape' to and it helped me, you may be in a different place.

Think three times before asking or answering a question. I too felt the need to know all the sordid painful details, that is natural.

You Will Be Ok. This is a horrible god awful time for you and I know the hell you are in (been there).

Also, please, while your head is all over the place resist the urge to spread the news of his infidelity far and wide. This may sound strange but I could call DH all the names under the sun because he had hurt ME. I hated it when other people called him a bastard etc, he had never hurt them and I felt it reflected on my choice of husband and the man who fathered our dc's.

Also, if you work through it they will always think of him as the man who had an affair. At this moment get close friends and family around but keep the news close until you have a clearer picture. Your DH knows what he has done and he needs to live with that forever as do you.

My marriage didn't survive the affair, he had another one a year later but a few years later I AM OK and happy.

Because sometimes the 'problem' might be one that isn't cognitively acknowledged in the way you might think, or the way that is obvious when it's an unhappy marriage.

The 'problem' might be a complex mixture of things: an unarticulated and unacknowledged need for an ego boost after a failure or sense of disappointment in oneself, an escape from something non-relationship orientated that is causing pain, stress or difficulty.

You are right though that it is essential to know the 'why'. In my experience this takes some time and endless conversations to properly establish. It's also very important not to fall into the trap of thinking that this is completely aberrant behaviour, because the truth is that however kind and good someone seems, there are behaviours and attitudes that separate those who would have an affair from those who wouldn't. The key trait is selfishness.

Like most women I know, I say infidelity would be the end of our marriage.

But I know in reality, that if my dh was unfaithful, I would not necessarily throw away years and years of a fantastic marriage and devastate my children by throwing out their wonderful dad.

My friend's husband had a stupid fling, much like the OP's husband. He was flattered by the attention and made a huge mistake.

They have got over it. It was awful for them but they love each other and made the decision, brave on her part, to deal with it and move on. Their marriage will never be the same & they will never be the same, but they are happy in a different way and absolutely did the right thing for them and their children.

As an outsider who has seen only her heartbreak, I think he is an idiot and I hate him. But he doesn't know I know and I keep things cordial for her sake.

I wish you the best OP and hope you can do whatever makes you happiest.

I have told only one person. She is a friend who has only met DH briefly once so doesn't really know him.

She lives in another city so I have basically poured my heart out to her by text today. Her replies have been brilliant in that she has acknowledged what he has done (and offered to join in calling him names!) But also completely accepts that I want to work through it...

I have no intention of telling my close family and friends as I do not want them to always think of him as that man who cheated.

I have asked that he tell his sister as he confided in her that we were having troubles before Christmas and he was no longer sure of his feelings etc. I feel that he owes her the whole story as he involved her in the first case.

He has made a stupid mistake. And treated me appallingly and he knows this. He knows how much I'm hurting. And I can see how angry he is with himself for his awful behaviour. And how scared he is at the thought of losing me. And he hates that he has hurt me this much.

We have talked through a load of stuff this evening and whilst I'm far, far from forgiveness, I am beginning to understand some of the reasons why he has acted in this way. I'm still so angry with him and I think it's going to be a long road.

He has been a weak ,cowardly, selfish, entitled prick for four months or so. But for 14 years and 6 months there has never been an inkling of this type of behaviour. He has a been a wonderful, kind, caring supportive husband. And is an amazing dad. He works hard and at home does his fair share of housework and childcare. He is not abusive in any way.

I hope we can work through it...

Thanks everyone...

I might be speaking out of turn here, but I've been trying to put myself in your shoes Jones and imagine what I'd have written immediately after discovery, having received some of these harsher responses.

Much the same, I've concluded.

Partly because I hadn't had time to absorb all of it and started linking any of it to other things about my husband I'd always thought were fairly minor faults in the grand scheme of things - and partly because I would have felt really quite defensive.

Try not to take to heart too much some of the responses. Sometimes when posters actually have a betrayed woman's best interests at heart, they express it in unhelpful ways and the anger that's directed at your husband's actions might be received as anger or contempt towards you.

Don't let that stop you from using this thread for support, please.

I will share with you that what you feel and think today will be very different a few months down the line as the shock wears off and you get used to living with this.

Even if you don't use this thread, I'd strongly recommend you write down what your husband is saying right now and jot down your own reflections too.

Your understanding of what's happened to you will change so much over time. You will be helped by having a record of these early conversations as a point of reference.

Good luck Jones. You sound like the sort of person I would turn to in a crisis!

Very unMumsnet hugs to you.

You will be okay.

I carry the weight of his revolting behaviour with me every day

mylifenow, that made me cry. It summed up exactly what I have felt for the last 4 years.

I carry the weight of his revolting behaviour with me every day

Another one whos heart sank when I read that.

OP You want this to go away, God knows I know how that feels. You want to wake up, it not to have happened and for life to continue as normal. You are doing what I and countless others have done, and tried to brush it away. It was a mistake/he was drunk/it only happened twice/he was trying to make sure it didnt happen again/he is telling me the truth......

Then you spend a couple of weeks having the best sex ever, better than you did when you first got together and you feel close than ever before.

Then you crash. It all comes out, your hurt, your betrayal, the sheer disbelief that he could do this to you. That is when the healing starts, its when you think about it in terms of "So what if he was drunk, it was a mistake, it only happened twice....HE STILL DID IT" You start to think "Well I have been drunk, but I never shagged anyone else!" You remember times when it would have been quite easy to have sex with someone else, but you didnt because that ring on your finger meant more to you than anything else.

It will come, and it needs to come, because otherwise it will stay inside you while you try to keep the facade going and it will rot you from the inside out.

Go with the flow. Whatever emotions you feel, let them happen and deal with them in whatever way feels right at the time. Eventually you will come to an even keel and you will be able to think straight (ish!) you just need to weather the storm until that happens. I am thinking of you.

Jones I've been where you are right now and for me the anger grew and grew over the following weeks to a point where I could not cope with the betrayal and the, frankly, casual ongoing nature of it and the niggling worry that he might have continued had he not been caught, or carried on with someone else at another time in different circs etc that I could not bear it.

With hindsight, I wish I'd taken some space, for me to come to terms and him to realise the enormity of what had happened. We struggled on, because of work and practicalities and shame.

I firmly believe (with the benefit of hindsight and MN) that if I hadn't woken up and gone to bed with him every day and night for even a short space of time would have stopped me doing each in a sweat thinking 'does he want to be here doing this' and even worse 'is this what he does with her'. It ate me up and I imploded. It would have been difficult to spend that time apart - work, kids, other peopl knowing we were in trouble - but it might have saved our marriage.

that's just my experience.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The OP is in the now.

Take the cue from her last response.