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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 30 31

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:

Report

Mrscaindingle · 01/02/2014 03:35

mylifenow

So sorry that you're going through this op, I have to say that I disagree with some of redruby's advice, you're allowed to be angry and upset after what he's done. Reading these boards a lot of people get their OH to leave for a while to give them some space to think about what they want.

Do you think that would be possible? You may be able to get through this and stay together but only if he does every thing that YOU want to help you get through this. Expect it to take some time though.

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 06:29

I haven't slept all night, feel so sick.

Not sure where he'd go.

He has emailed her to say it is over. (I've seen that email.)

Has also unfriended her on fbook.

He says he wants to make it work. That he loves me.

I just don't know what to think and how the hell to 'carry on as normal' today.

OP posts:

Squiffyagain · 01/02/2014 06:41

Don't 'carry on as normal' if you can't face it. He's got 12 years of parenting experience, so why not just leave him to it for a while? If you have a RL friend you can talk to, then go there, otherwise head for a park or a beach and take a few hours to clear your head. He tore up the rule book about your relationship and you need to rebuild it. That takes some thinking about.

LongRoadToRuin · 01/02/2014 06:57

redruby Brilliant advice. Very practical.

Snugglepiggy · 01/02/2014 07:08

So sorry OP you are going through this.Had a similar situation when text messages were found on OWs phone by her DH and he confronted my DH.I had no clue about his developing relationship with her ,and although it was brought to an abrupt end before anything sexual had taken place they had exchanged sexually explicit messages and I will always believe the intention to go further was there.Anyway months of secrecy and the utter shock of discovery nearly ended almost 30 years of marriage and blew apart our family.
But my DH was genuinely contrite, ended all contact with OW immediately and moved heaven and earth to re-build and understand what had led to his behaviour.Several years on I still think about it, especially as I occasionally cross paths with OW (unavoidable sadly).It took a long,long time for the hurt ,anger,sorrow to become a thing of the past but it did.I am truly glad we worked things through - the toughest thing I have ever experienced - and not to sound trite we are closer and wiser now.
I feel for you.The one thing I will say is that I was offered
time and space at my close friends in another town, and I declined as there was so much to sort out going on the home front.I just soldiered on and it took it's toll on my health at the time.Looking back I should have packed a bag and gone for a few days and left DH to cope .I badly needed time to sort my head.But we got there in the end after many ups and downs and hours and hours of talking.All the best whatever you decide.

gigglekicks · 01/02/2014 07:27

I agree with snuggle's post. If you need time, you should leave the home and leave him with the kids. I am yet to witness a relationship work out where the man leaves for a 'bit' - they rarely come back. I suspect it doesn't feel as bad as saying its completely over, but then it gives them the opportunity to meet with OW child free, and before you know it, they have totally checked out.

Mylifenow · 01/02/2014 07:39

It's so so sad that people who cheat only want to save the marriage after they have been found out.

It's a shame they don't make that decision before getting into a relationship with someone else.

Badvoc · 01/02/2014 07:43

So, he didn't confess?
You found out?
I don't this can end well tbh.
He obv doesn't love you or his dc as you love him.

Badvoc · 01/02/2014 07:43

He needs to leave.
You need space.

Figster · 01/02/2014 07:48

So few weeks ago he said he didn't love you and now he is saying that he does? he wasn't man enough to admit what he has done how do you know he intended on stopping it if you hadn't found out did he send that email before last night or in response to you finding out? To me that is a big difference

10152530 · 01/02/2014 07:49

Don't trust him anymore, he will do it again... Been there before. start planing your life without him around..the more you drag on the more difficult it becomes to separate/divorce. Good luck

DrNick · 01/02/2014 07:50

She's married ?

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 07:53

Yes. Married with children...

OP posts:

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 07:54

He made the decision not to go out last night before I knew anything.

Email was sent after I found emails.

OP posts:

Mapleissweet · 01/02/2014 07:59

Have you met her? How closely does he work with her?

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 08:01

Haven't met her. She works on his team but it's a big team and they don't see each other every day.

OP posts:

itwillgetbettersoon · 01/02/2014 08:22

I'm so sorry OP. I went through this two years ago. It is so hard and sad. You need time to think about. Don't try to sweep it under the carpet. Deal with it. He can stay with a friend for a few days or you could. Hugs.

elizadofuckall · 01/02/2014 08:22

The problems will arise again when he has to go away with work. Trust is not an easy thing to regain.

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 08:33

Youngest DS has just been sick... :-(

I've managed to eat a banana and am forcing down a cup of tea...DH's friends family live an hours drive away.

I can't just up and leave for a few days. I have to go to work on Monday :-/

OP posts:

livingzuid · 01/02/2014 08:39

Call in sick. Go to gp and get signed off for a couple of weeks. Perfectly justified. And it's his problem as to where he stays for a bit he should let you have some time to digest.

So sorry you are going through this

Scarletpink · 01/02/2014 08:41

You shouldn't be the one leaving. He should go to give you space and time to think and process. The key thing here is that you have discovered the emails - he didn't tell you about the affair. You discovered, confronted - and suddenly he dumps her by email. He could just have easily sent another after to say he sent it just to appease you.

Would he have told you if you didn't find out?

I haven't seen your other threads, but from what I've read above it sounds like he had switched up from your marriage sometime ago. Now you know why.

Good luck OP

magoria · 01/02/2014 08:41

So what is he going to do to stop temptation again?

He still works with her? He still has to go away with her for work? Where I am guessing there will be meals and wine. What about more works nights out? Is he going to avoid them all?

Basically 5 weeks ago he was enjoying her so much he was laying the groundwork of not thinking he loved you because the grass was greener. He was thinking of ending your relationship and what becoming a weekend dad? He thought so little of you he planted that bomb over Xmas and broke your heart.

What changed? Did he get bored of her? What happens if someone else starts working and it happens again but he doesnt get bored of this one?

Did he use protection? You should go and get a full STI check and so should he as condoms dont protect 100%.

How can you stay with a man who will be in contact with and going away with a woman he did this to you over with out slowly killing all that is good and loving inside you?

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Quitelikely · 01/02/2014 08:48

Op

Was it an affair or did they just sleep together twice since October? Both wrong but slightly different

noddyholder · 01/02/2014 08:49

I think you should seek support from your friends and not worry about how they will view him that's his problem. Too many women do this protect thing at their own expense Put you first. He needs to go and let you work through how you feel where and how far is his concern.

Quitelikely · 01/02/2014 09:00

I think if he was planning to leave you for her and they have been discussing your marriage etc then I think that is more harmful than say two stolen opportunities to have sex.

I could forgive one scenario but not the other.

Your numb at the minute but your anger will soon surface but whats good is that he's been open with you, this means you've had all your questions answered so far.

I know ppl are saying you need space but often we want them near us when they do something like this, we're almost clingy!

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