Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

[livingzuid]

Ah sorry X post. Urgh councils and their
useless policies that end up causing more problems than they solve :(

Can you talk to your boss? Tell him what happened? If you feel the need for a break he sounds like he'd understand. Can you take some leave (although I guess you save that for dcs).

And big trauma ofc not bug doh. Please take care of you.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

I need to clarify my last post.

I'm not saying that what he has done (including not coming clean, keeping it going over Xmas with the chance to come clean, behaving in a selfish and cowardly manner, etc) should be written off and forgiven. I just mean that crys of 'he is a bastard and doesn't love you or dc' is not going to be helpful here.

I second some counselling both seperate and joint, if you have the funds available.

Take a couple of days for yourself. If you or he cannot leave then tell him to stay in the spare room/couch and to interact with you as little as possible. Get him to do the majority of childcare for the weekend, tell the kids you're not feeling well.

Jot down your feelings and thoughts as they come. They are very valid and you should have the opportunity to voice them and possibly get some answers when you are ready.

[livingzuid]

I take the parent point and sympathise - mine had a heart attack when I announced my divorce amid cries of why didn't you tell us something was wrong... It brings its own pressures doesn't it around being the 'sensible one'.

No friend you could have a call/Skype with if you can't get to see someone?

[JonesTheSteam]

I have a friend who lives away. We tend to chat quite a bit via text. And she doesn't know DH really, as I know her from a leisure activity we do together and has only met him once...

[noddyholder]

I would let them worry about you for once it will make things so much easier for you to have that unconditional supportt

[livingzuid]

Are you comfortable sharing this with her? It might help that's all to talk to someone who knows you but is removed from the situation. Just to have that rl backup.

Me and my closest friends talk more on text too :) sometimes it's easier to write stuff down (good suggestion by happy)

[MorrisZapp]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I must admit, I've never understood the standard MN advice about throwing him out after an affair revelation. To me that seems so counterintuitive. Why should a man be rewarded by getting to stay in a hotel or whatever while his distraught partner continues to run the home as well as process the blow?

Also, surely the first place they would look for comfort would be with OW?

I think time apart is a very good idea, but if it was me I think I'd be the one to chuck things in a bag and head towards the train station. Let him deal with the shit at home, he's the one who caused this mess.

If you feel there's no way of having time apart then please don't do the weepy and clingy thing. Even if it takes all your acting strength, give him frozen anger. Let him feel scared and uncomfortable. This is the only time where you hold all the cards, you may well live to regret it if you try to cut straight to the loving forgiveness stage.

Make the fucker sweat, really. He needs to feel the enormity of what he's done. Take care and be very kind to yourself xx

[Groovester]

How painful. You definitely need to take your time and try to remain calm. Some days away would perhaps help you to get your thoughts in order?
Virtual hugs aplenty from me xxx

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Mylifenow - your experience is mine to a T

It's too late now for me to leave and make anything for myself, so I'd urge the OP not to find herself in my position a couple of years down the line - it's ony too easy to just let the time go by, hoping it'll get better, then realise it's never going to happen

[magoria]

Puzzled it is never too late

[JonesTheSteam]

MorrisZapp

Frozen anger a-plenty, don't you worry...

[MorrisZapp]

Stay strong Jones x

[noddyholder]

Puzzled it is never too late :) I am trying to convince close friend of that now. She has been very much in the position of the OP and tbh I think her dh did regret what he did and made every effort to put it right.And for one year I think they had a ver ygood go at it and to me and others I thought they had it sorted It is her who can't move on :( Agree with be kind to yourself and talk to someone. My friend talked to me and another mate and we still remain ok with her dh

[Monetbyhimself]

Contact your friend and go there.

Don't rely on him to be truthful about STI testing / results. Go with him to the GUM clinic.

And know that there are many, many women here who have walked this road.

[JonesTheSteam]

I would love to go and see her. Unfortunately she has a v busy day and can't drop everything... (The type of busy that if she doesn't turn up she will be letting down about 60 people...

[Christmascandles]

Oh jones, I feel for you, I really do....
And snugly, I could've written your post.

Now I've said this before under my other user name (think I'm still using Xmas one, but difficult to see on iPad) but anyway....

But anyway, there is a script that they seem to follow in these circumstances which is, delete, deny, minimise.

So, deleting incriminating 'evidence', deny it ever happened, and then when confronted, minimise what actually happened. IMO he will only admit to what he thinks he can get away with.

My DH drip fed me, which was awful and although now I think I know everything! I may not. And this used to worry me, but I got to thinking, what difference will it make..? It is what it is. Oh god yes I used to think about the past, trying to piece together little bits and honestly it will drive you mad

You can get through this, well you absolutely will get through this and it is now your choice and yours alone, if you continue with your marriage. My DH was genuinely sorry for the pain he caused me. A whole host of stuff came out about an abusive childhood that I really had had no idea about up until that point. But I would never make excuses for his behaviour. It was our marriage vows he broke.

I can honestly say to you that two years on, our marriage is stronger and happier than it ever was. This also has something to do with him not keeping his childhood a secret anymore too tho I think.

If you want to you can continue with him. But there will have to be changes and they will have to come from him. Please remember that this isn't your fault. Oh and be aware of and be ready for hysterical bonding......

Holding your hand

[familyscapegoat]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

It happened to me too many years ago.

We are still together and very happy. Like you, we had a good marriage before it happened too.

I wanted to let you know there is a third option in terms of the immediate time period.

I had no desire to get away myself and it wouldn't have been possible anyway because like you, I work. Neither did I want my DH to go away, although he offered to if I wanted him to. It would have made no sense to me him leaving me feeling devastated with children to look after and work to do. I don't understand that advice that people get given either.

What I wanted was answers and information, not breathing space.

That was difficult, with the children around. With hindsight, I wish we'd asked someone to look after them or take them out for a day so that we could talk properly. Our conversations were often at night when we were both tired.

Is that possible at all?

Where's your husband today? Is he talking to you about this?

Something I will say is that this must have had a bigger effect on his feelings than he's admitting right now, if he told you he didn't love you last month. That could be because he was infatuated and mistook it for something else, it could be he was rationalising he can't possibly love you if he was doing that or it could be something deeper for the OW.

The best advice I would give someone in the early days is give yourself time to write down the questions you have, ask them and then really listen to what comes back. Try to avoid putting your own value judgements on why this happened.

[cafesociety]

I'm so very sorry you are in this situation OP. As I see it he has been messing with this woman for about 4 months and he has told you he doesn't love you.

He has stated he does want to stay - now. Of course he does because the OW is married. But think what he would say if she was free, single, available, well prepared to leave her husband? Honestly, would he back track when he knows you have all the evidence then?

You have a lot of thinking to do. I would also advocate leaving for the weekend...or next weekend if you can't do it now. Get some RL support, talk to someone and take great care of yourself.

Keeping a journal gets feelings out, it does help a bit and helps you to remember significant remarks/events if you log them at the time and don't forget them.

[JonesTheSteam]

familyscapegoat

Thank you.

I think your last but one paragraph is spot on...

[JonesTheSteam]

Thanks to everyone who has posted advice for me. It means a lot...

[familyscapegoat]

There are many different responses to shock and crisis. Some people want to get away (flight) and some want information (fight). Both are equally valid. I wanted information - and then time to reflect. I also wanted time and access to things like phone bills, E mails between them that had been saved, text messages etc. to piece together the (short) time period that was not how it seemed. Information was important to me and is consistent with my character and ways of dealing with things.

[Badvoc]

If you hadn't found the evidence he would still be with this woman and still betraying you.
He sounds like he is very sorry he has been caught, which is not the same as being sorry for the actual act.
You have every right to ask anything of him atm whether that be to leave for a while, to stay, to give you details, to give you copies of e mails etc.
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation.

[swannylovesu]

some great advice here OP.

My DH had an affair in 2012, we are still together and i dont regret it one bit. He knows he behaved like an absolute dick and makes sure i know hes sorry.

Take some time to digest the situation properly, i wanted to know the ins and outs of it all and it was awful to hear but i honestly think it helped.

Stay strong.

[BuzzardBird]

How you feeling jones?

[JonesTheSteam]

Still very angry.

I have asked so many questions and DH has answered them truthfully I feel.

Some of it his been painful to hear, but I needed to hear it.

He is very remorseful. He knows how much he has hurt me. He knows he's been a twat and risked everything. He knows he has been a coward. We have talked a lot today. And I have used a lot of swear words and crude phrases to describe him, her and their sordid liaison, so he is under no illusion how angry I am.

I am still hopeful that almost 15 years of a marriage which has been happy on the whole can overcome what has happened, but it is still early days, obviously.