Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

[JonesTheSteam]

She doesn't go away with him often for work.

The second time was a Christmas night out...

He was drunk both times, not that it makes much difference.

He doesn't see her everyday in work.

It was only those two times...

And then emails...

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Jones - sending you lots of courage for today.

Is there anyone in RL who you can open up to? Perhaps they could come round for the day or weekend? I agree with others that he should leave and give you space.

Don't concern yourself with where he would have to go, that is his problem and he is capable of driving an hour or two.

Could you ring his parents and explain what has happened, asking them if he could stay there for a few days while you digest. Makes it hard for him to play the 'I've no where to go' card and also makes your in-laws aware of what's gone on before he starts to paint you as the bitch and himself as the wronged party.

I've been through a far milder version of this and that was so upsetting, so I can't imagine how you're coping with discovering an actual affair. It's 6 months down the line for me and the trust isn't back yet, I still check his phone, I still think of it and I get very upset at times. Make of that what you will.

I'm so sorry, no one deserves this. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with. Agree with a PP who suggested going to your GP and getting signed off for a week or two. You won't be any good at work with all this running through your head.

Try and get some rest today and really think about calling a friend or relative over for a couple of days to help you.

[JonesTheSteam]

He said there was no discussion about leaving me.

He said he felt flattered by the flirty emails and shouldn't have responded but was weak.

He says that not going last night was his cowardly way of trying to back out of it.

He is contrite. Says he realises he's been an idiot risking everything. Over Christmas he realised he does still love me... What hurts me is that the flirty emails started up again. He swears there has been nothing physical since the second time.

He is going to get STI checked this week. Will wait to see what his results are. He says they used condoms.

I can't not go into work. Whilst my boss is lovely, I work in various schools across the county I work for and they will not be so accommodating. I am also on a warning for having 4 separate absences within 12 months as it is...

[somersethouse]

I disagree totally, YOU should go and get some rest and time for yourself. Leave him with 3 children and to crack on with it. Check into a hotel, a friends, anything, but no way will you have time to process it, achieve any proper thinking if you are looking after 3 children on no sleep.

If he goes you will be wondering where he is.

Think of youself now, really important.

Get out, call in sick on Monday and give yourself 2 whole days to have a proper rest, sleep, cry and think.

x

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

You sound like you're leaning to the side of working through things, which is perfectly fine to do!

My only advice would be to ask him to leave for a couple of days to process your thoughts. With him there your head is full of things he wants you to think, he is sorry, it was a mistake etc. You need time to figure out how you really feel without his input or influence.

[somersethouse]

x posts, so you can't call in sick, but you can leave now and go for the day and night somewhere.

[JonesTheSteam]

I live in a part of the country where there is a rugby international today. There will be no rooms anywhere.

I can't burden my parents or sister with this. My dad has been ill. And my sister is about to return to work after three years so has enough stress...

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

He was weak?



Wow, that must be so reassuring.

To know you are a married to a man who is so "weak" that he finds himself unable to not have repeated sexual encounters with women he fancies.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Or, as somerset says, you leave for a day or two. You need time without him.

[somersethouse]

I don't understand people saying she can process her own thoughts when she has had no sleep and will be in sole charge of 3 children and wondering where he is.

Best if OP goes for a mini rest with a friend/hotel/whatever.

[somersethouse]

x posts with everyone.

Sorry.

Is there nowhere you can go, even a crappy BandB and get some sleep, knowing where he is and so you can snatch just a piece of time.

[somersethouse]

It's liberating to walk out and spend a day and night by yourself, leaving shocked H behind with DC's.

Why should he do this to you and then get to leave and no doubt sit and watch the bloody rugby.

[JonesTheSteam]

Women???

One woman... :-/

And yes it's shit, and I'm angry, but as I said until November / December there had been nothing like this before... Nothing.

He's been a wonderful, supportive husband and an excellent father. I thought we had a true partnership in every sense of the word.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Well she's not the only woman in the world.

So either she's so amazing that he will never be able to get over her, or there will be other women who will also make him "weak".

"until November / December there had been nothing like this before... Nothing."

That you know about.

Before yesterday you didn't know he was a liar that would blow your life up in your face so he could ejaculate elsewhere.

"thought we had a true partnership in every sense of the word."

It seems you were wrong.

[JonesTheSteam]

HappyGoLuckyGirl

I am leaning that way. Whether that will change I don't know.

I do need time to think. Elder DS is off to the cinema in a bit so may go for a walk at the very least...

[noddyholder]

I think he is getting off lightly you deserve better. Amazing partners and fathers don't cheat Wanting to work it out is not a bad thing but it looks too easy so far. (for him )

[Visitingtethersend]

But you don't unfortunately. Wonderful loving supportive husband and fathers don't jump into with work colleagues.

[livingzuid]

How can you be in trouble at work for being signed off sick? That would be illegal. I understand your pressure re work as I have been threatened with that. If you think you can function then it might be good to be distracted for a bit, but also remember that your health will always be more important than some job. If you need the time you should take it and not worry. Bit of a lecture sorry, just talking as one who has been there!

It can feel like there are 1,000 balls in the air and you don't know which one to dive for first. You and dc are the priority, just take one step at a time.

Imo your H is only contrite because he was caught. He didn't stop at Xmas and be honest with you then, saying I have met someone else and it's over. No it carried on even though he had a chance to come clean. He's a coward and a liar.

I'd suggest counselling for you and possibly as a couple to figure out where YOU want to go now.
It's still to raw to make any final decision. Don't rush into anything, don't be pressured into anything.

And try to eat and sleep a bit

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Okay, everyone needs to back off a little bit. I know we're all only giving our opinion but Jones has made it clear from the tone of her posts that she (so far) wants to work through what's happened with her otherwise good husband.

Of course someone who has had an affair can still be a brilliant father. Affairs are never a good idea but having one doesn't make someone a hideous person in everything they do. People make mistakes, even loving and committed fathers.

What's done is done, Jones obviously wants to work on her marriage and try to save it. What matters is how he behaves from here on in.

Jones, go for that walk. Get some fresh air and perhaps sit down in a coffee and have a drink and something to eat cake

[JonesTheSteam]

I wasn't signed off. It was 7 days and 4 separate instances so self certified.

Council policy is 4 separate absences or more than ten days in a rolling 12 month period.

I had to have a meeting with my boss... (who thought it was a waste of my time and his as he knew they were genuine absences). Unfortunately he has no way of ignoring council policy...

[JonesTheSteam]

livinzuid

I'm struggling with it carrying on after Christmas too...

[livingzuid]

Can I also just ask if the shoe was on the other foot with parents or sister, wouldn't you want to know that they were going through this? (my brother got so upset that I didn't come to him even though I was trying to be all good as they were having a tough time). It will be so beneficial for you to talk to someone in rl.

at the very least as well go and speak to your gp as there may be some counselling you can be referred to to help you process it all, even if you don't want to be signed off.

So sorry you are going through this, it's a bug trauma :(

[JonesTheSteam]

Thanks HappyGoLuckyGirl and livingzuid

[BuzzardBird]

I agree with Somerset completely. You should leave him with the child care and you get yourself off for the day, away from your own area so rugby not a problem and stay over the night where accomodation isn't all taken. (the coast?) Don't give him the chance to live the single life whilst you struggle with 3 dcs worrying if he is with the slagwomble. I think a walk down a cold beach for a couple of hours might help you sleep tonight Op. You will get through this no matter what the outcome is. It might be exactly as he is saying it is, just an easy lay, nothing more. Not that you have to put up with that disrespect from him.

Think of yourself, just for 24hrs, try and be selfish for once, like he was.

[JonesTheSteam]

I would want to know.

But if we do manage to work things they'll always have this at the back of their minds... ;-/

Plus our relationship is complicated. I'm the sensible reliable one who causes no problems and my parents never worry about me... :-\ My sister is much younger and therefore the one they always seem to worry about...