Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

redruby you are right of course.

I just wish someone had warned me that the sex didnt mean things were ok, that it was part of the process. That I would crash, because it came as such a shock and knowing it would come may have mitigated that shock (although not the hurt).

OP, those of use who have walked the path you are on are with you, we will be here for you. FWIW, I am still with my H, and while it will never be the same, its ok. It will never be what it was, but what it was was a marriage where one person looked out instead of in, where actions and emotions were taken for granted and where my husband didnt appreciate the true worth of what he had until he threw it away, so I am not sure I would want it to be the same.

for you
I hope it works itself out; maybe have a trial seperation?

Well there is huge amounts of bitterness on here and understandably so but this is not always helpful. Bitterness can eat away at your very core.

One thing for sure things will never be the same for you, this doesn't mean that things can't be good again though. You say he has been a good husband and father up to now, what is your understanding of why this happened? What is his explanation? Like drugs and alcohol this can be a form of escapism and does show weakness which is so upsetting and harmful. Some things can be forgiven though and only you can decide on this one.

Give yourself time, don't act hastily and put yourself and the DC first. He will have to work hard to keep you and his familyand you should make sure he does. Get help and support from wherever you can. If you feel able to go to work then do so, your own life and independence is important. Your heart may be breaking but do take care of yourself, buy yourself something nice, have your hair done or do whatever makes you feel a little better.

Stay strong and take your time!

I understand why you don't want to tell friends and family , but you should consider it . It's quite likely that one of them has had a similar experience and they will support you either way . If people think less of him , that's his problem , he's a grown man and shouldn't be shielded from the consequences of his actions. Also consider the employment issues , it's going to be impossible to repair things if there still working together .

But he Is the man doh cheated. He is.
Mate of mine Kept ten years of infidelity quiet. This enabled him to keep doing it.

(Wot kindle said )

Also she said she KNEW what our reaction would be. She didn't want to be the woman who's husband cheated

I think if is always a good thing to get really angry and ask him to leave for a bit.

Deleting her off FB would not be enough for me, I would expect him to start looking for another job.

Not saying LTB for ever, but suppressing your anger and hurt are not good.

I would tell a RL friend as well, the most down to earth practical friend you have, who may advice you on financial and practical stuff.

I recently told lots of friends DH was an alcoholic, and it helped me to talk (cry) and some friends have been amazing in small ways ( like quietly giving him non alcoholic drinks at parties without making a big fuss of his "not drinking" and by generally being sensitive and supportive to me). Maybe it does not reflect well on me to have an alcoholic DH but I'd rather have the support than carry it all alone.

I have told a RL friend. I am having support.

He is devastated by his actions.

I believe that he will not do it again.

This does not make me a doormat. And it certainly doesn't mean I have forgiven him.

And it also certainly means that the trust is not rebuilt. But I feel I have to give him the opportunity to prove he means what he says.

The job he has is incredibly secure at a time when jobs aren't ten a penny.

He does not work with this woman on a day to day basis. The site he works on is enormous. If I went into details about how big it is I would out the company and possibly me and him.

Asking him to leave the house to me seems futile. If, as a lot of posters believe he is just going to carry on seeing this woman then it would just give him more opportunity... :-/ And I refuse to leave my house and the children. It just isn't practical. I have made plans to go out for the day to get some space.

I have to move forward as I see fit. I posted on here for support and I would like to thank everyone who has listened to my POV and offered advice, whether I agree with it or not. This situation is unique to me and my husband. There is no one size fits all cure. If only there were.

We will be seeking counselling, both separately and together.

I don't see things in black and white. Very much a shades of grey type of person (not those awful books - 2 weeks of my life wasted reading that trash!) And I refuse to believe that I need to throw away a strong 20 year relationship for 5 months of utter stupidity.

Who knows what will happen. But I have to do what I see best.

Thanks

Jones x

And believe me I am not suppressing my anger and hurt...

DH is under no illusion what he has done to me and the pain I am feeling...

Jones

A marriage is worth so much more than a few stolen sex sessions. I used to think I would not be able yo irguve an affair but now I think I could. I hope you manage to dust down your marriage and reconfigure it for a happy future.

I just wanted to say that you should be aware that he is probably scared you're going to tell the woman's husband, and that the husband might cause problems at work. So part of his fear and sorrow might be self protection/wound licking and nothing to do with you as such. It's a very introspective time for him and you and the children may be shadowy figures at the margins.

Good luck.

Jones
You have no way of knowing he won't screw around again. No way at all.
Calling screwing another woman stupidity is underplaying what is, effectively, selfish, entitled, unspeakably cruel and underhand lying and cheating and, at the same time, giving him a get-out clause he does not deserve.
You are not throwing anything away. Your 20-year relationship has been deliberately trashed by your H.

That is not to say you cannot chose to build another, different, relationship with this man should you really want to, but, whatever you chose, you need to look at this with open eyes and never underestimate what you are worth, or sell yourself short.

If you read my responses I have already used all those adjectives to describe his behaviour...

And where have I said I know he won't do it again

I have said I believe he won't. Not the same thing as knowing...

I posted on here for support.

I don't feel I should have to defend myself just because I haven't succumbed to the mumsnet LTB chorus... :-/

I think it is always worth giving a long relationship with so much love and history a go. But really think allowing him the luxury of keeping his dignity is enabling him. He is the man who cheated and other people not knowing won't lessen that it will just fester in you. I think he deserves to feel that collective disappointment and it would shift the balance in your favour and give you strength.

Jones - feel for you, so sorry you are going through this, been thinking of you all weekend. Hope you will find a way through it all.

For what it is worth I think it is positive that he is remorseful, sometimes when on the ropes men will blame their wives i.e. you didn't give me enough attention etc etc...

He has given into flattery, enjoyed the thrill of the chase, its been all about him... not about you or the children. Likely this is all about his relationship with himself, getting older or similar.

I'm not sure it would be wise but I would be tempted to go to see OW and ask her point blank what she was thinking?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. x

You have just received this devastating bombshell.

My advice is not to make any long term decisions and remember that any decision you do make can be reversed.

You will feel very differently once the shock has worn off and you will start seeing things in a new light.

If you do stay together, you need to accept that the old marriage has gone and that its about building a new one on your terms.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and make sure he reads it as well.

noddyholder

He will be telling his sister.

What his sister chooses to do with that info is up to her. I doubt she'll keep it my other SIL and DH's brother.

I am reluctant to tell my parents as DF (a) has an appalling temper and (b) is unwell.

My DM would just think I am to blame somehow as she apportions me blame for any disagreement we have ever had.

My sister and I don't get on so no need to tell her.

(and I agree that you need to be selective about who you tell. No point in telling people who won't offer RL support).

To OP and those of you that have been betrayed in this way I often hear that you're able to stay with him because he shows you how sorry he is (lots of talking being nice remorseful etc etc) But I wonder how can you be happy knowing that the affair (in most cases) would have continued had they not been caught / OW not ended it etc? Also how do you go on when your partner is probably in love with someone else and may be only staying for the children / lifestyle and almost pretending to be wanting you whilst secretly pining after OW who is now off limits. And for those of you whom don't believe that why don't you? I guess it all sounds fake to me and probably is in most cases until your partner finally gets OW out of their system. Just wondering how one is able to keep with him whilst he heals his broken heart AND helps to mend yours

Edmadel.

Your third paragraph is spot on in many ways.

DH has not apportioned a single slither of blame to me.

He hates himself for what he has done. He has called himself spineless, cowardly, selfish and lots of other names. He is generally not an open person but one who bottles stuff up. But he has told me with searing honesty what he was (or wasn't thinking) when he made these decisions. He hasn't made excuses at all, besides being very drunk the first time it happened. It has been horrible to hear. But I needed to hear it.

forevermore erm, because some men that have an affair aren't actually on love with the OW? Just because they had sex doesn't mean they're in love I, for one, have only been in love with around 1% of the people I've slept with.

I don't for a minute DH was in love with the OW.

He was attracted to her, yes and liked her. But not in love.

It had not progressed to a stage where they discussed leaving their partners...

Jones,

For what it's worth I think you're coping brilliantly (as far as anyone can tell on mn, iyswim.)

I think if I were you, I'd be dealing with it in the same way you are, but no doubt with only a fraction of the dignity and calmness!

I hope you work it out.

This happened to a friend of mine, and whilst everyone was slagging off her DH till the cows came home, and shouting "LTB" I was the one who said "listen to your heart, do what is right for you and your family."

They are happier than they've ever been. Good luck xx

Sorry... I don't for a minute believe DH was in love with the OW.

Misfitless

I may be calm on here, but I have been less than calm with DH in RL I'm afraid. There has been shouting and a huge amount of anger and vitriol directed at him and I have even slapped him. I'm not proud of that, but there we are. As I said I have asked many gory questions and received very honest answers, some of which have made me feel physically sick... :-(

There have also been lots of tears. And lots of talking...