Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

[Ivehearditallnow]

No matter what people decide to do in these circumstances - it always takes a huge amount of bravery.

Well done Jonesy, you're fab.

[JonesTheSteam]

Not sure I'd class myself as brave.

Feeling a little panicky this evening. And a bit emotional. It's a friend's birthday today and listening to her mum tell me this morning all the lovely stuff her DH has planned for her just made me feel a bit sad.

But I guess that's going to be life for the next few years, wobbles along the way whatever happens. Hopefully with longer and longer gaps between the not so good moments.

[Ivehearditallnow]

Anyone that can dare to be vulnerable and put trust in someone is brave.
Just as brave as those who LTB.
Wobbles are natural, I'm sure. Much better than being in denial x

[lazarusb]

Been thinking about you Jones. I think (know) these wobbles will happen for a long time to come, because despite the fact you are both trying very hard and get through this, there is a part of your relationship that is lost.

But as you say, things are getting better slowly but surely. It's normal to react to others acts of love in that way, don't be so hard on yourself. You have made a difficult decision and it will take time, don't feel bad about the low points, you will get there in the end!

[JonesTheSteam]

Thanks both, for still being here to listen to my inane ramblings...

In fairness DH cooked me a beautiful meal last Friday (he is the resident chef anyway, but this was very special).

Touch of the green-eyed monster too, possibly. This friend doesn't have children so it's a lot easier to arrange special stuff than it is for us. Finding willing babysitters has been difficult.

(Not that I'm moaning about having the DCs. Wouldn't swap them for the world. And my friend would have loved to have children but can't sadly.)

I'll stop whining and rambling now!

[lazarusb]

I understand. It is harder to do nice things when you have dcs and all the limitations that has on life, but as you say, they are still precious!

I hope you have a nice weekend

[JonesTheSteam]

Just want to put some thoughts down - a kind of record of how I'm feeling now and some worries / questions I have. Don't really expect answers, though obviously I know I would benefit from any advice as you've all been wonderful.

So... Almost 4 months in, I feel things have settled down on the whole. DH and I are still talking loads, getting on really well, had a couple of lovely nights out. He has done everything he can to prove to me that he is truly remorseful and loves me. I almost feel happy again. The odd wobble, but they are infrequent and I'm just trying to relax. No longer feel that we're on our best behaviour with each other. It's all just natural and normal.

I worry it's too soon to feel that. Or is that testament to how much effort DH is putting in to repairing us...

[avianaz]

Have been watching, I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel better. It's okay to feel bad occasionally, don't struggle with it, they always pass. x

[JonesTheSteam]

Thanks avianaz.

I feel that around the time I last posted DH changed hugely. Loads more affectionate and loving. He tells me all the time he loves me and wants to be with me.

Earlier this week he said that he feels like he has fallen in love with me all over again. That he'd almost forgotten that he ever had in his confusion about his feelings for the OW. But now knows they pale into comparison with his love for me. And he no longer has them. He can't deny the affair happened or that he has feelings for her but they have gone now (I don't think they faded as quickly as I would have liked, but hey, he is only human). But I have no doubt now that he loves me. And I know I have made the right choice to work at it.

One of the things that keeps upsetting me and making me have doubts is my addiction to the Relationships board. I read over and over again about 'the script', or another thread where someone has been left by their husband. All the 'once a cheater, always a cheater comments', you can never rebuild the trust etc. and it upsets me so much that I start feeling panicky. Should I just go this alone? Am I being stupid and naiive?

[JonesTheSteam]

that he had feelings for her, not has. Sorry on phone and the screen isn't great...

[Sherlockholmes221b]

I'd go cold turkey on the relationship threads if I were you, it's fantastic for giving women the strength to LTB where necessary but not a great resource for those who want to give their relationships another go

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I'm so pleased to hear things are going well for you AND your DH, Jones.

'Once a cheater always a cheater,' is rubbish. They might do, they might not. As a reformed cheater (years ago/not DH) I would say I'm now highly alert to boundaries and might be less likely to get in awkward situations than others. Not to say that others would, but to say that people can and do change.

You've done so well and deserve much happiness.

[Hickorydickory12]

I agree stay off the board. Only you know your relationship and whether you truely feel you are doing the right thing.
This board is great for those who want to leave, but doesn't always offer much support or advice when women decide to work through it.
People can make mistakes and the other can find a way to recover and move on.

[Hopingforachange]

Jones, I have been through such a similar experience. My DH had a short six week affair with a work colleague, I posted about it last week. I lurked for ages on your thread actually as we found out at roughly the same time. Also your DH seems to have reacted in a very similar way... absolutely horrified at what he had done, post discovery, and very aware of what he very nearly lost. I have seen your checklist a few times of how your DH has tried to demonstrate his commitment and make it up to you and I can check all the same boxes, which is heartening.

Equally though I am torn when it comes to Mumsnet. On the one hand there is no doubt in my mind that this board enabled me to spot the goings on, react quickly and decisively, and possibly even save my marriage... I did all the right things in terms of avoiding the pick me dance, gathering all the paperwork, throwing him out for a couple of weeks etc, and I wouldn't have known all that stuff had it not been for reading this board previously. So I couldn't be more grateful to everyone who has posted.

On the other hand, Mumsnet absolutely fuels my intermittent feelings of rage and / or hopelessness sometimes. I read all the ways that seemingly loving husbands betray their wives and cause the breakdown of their own marriages (and seemingly happy lives) and it all feels like I might be wasting my time in hoping for a recovery. The thing is... I do believe, rightly or wrongly, that my husband is a bit different to the majority of cheating spouses. Yes, he has behaved appallingly towards me and our children, and yes, he has broken my heart, but he does seem genuinely 100% remorseful, and I do believe he is a good man who made a terrible mistake. Plus on a practical level I have two very small children to think about who adore their dad. For that reason I want to be able to forgive, if not forget. But it's very difficult when I read up on other women who presumably felt the same way and were proved to be wrong. I can only tell myself to hang in there and give it more time. And maybe cut back on reading all the sad stories here.

Having said all that, please do PM me if you want someone to chat to who has been through it too!

[JonesTheSteam]

Thanks again to those who have replied.

It's so hard to stay away. I think I'm so desperate to hear stories of marriages that have recovered after an affair that I keep reading the Relationship board hoping for that. When in reality, I guess most people only post here when they are having problems.

Hopingforachange Sorry you are going through this too. I totally get where you are coming from. I'd like to think my DH isn't going to do this again. It helps thinking back and realising that until all this we were happy and maybe just got stuck in a rut that made him vulnerable to this. He is a good man. We get on brilliantly, our sex life has always been good, he is kind, caring, an amazing dad, does his fair share around the house, has never treated me as less than an equal even when I was a SAHM. If he had treated me badly in the past, I don't think I would even be thinking about attempting to make this work.

If I wanted a relationship with someone else in the future I would have to learn to trust again. I will never be able to trust 100% again with anyone. Surely better to try with someone who has shown true remorse and I know isn't going to turn into an abusive drunk or become emotionally abusive. He is a good man. I am well aware that for many people infidelity is a deal breaker. Years ago, it may have been for me. But maybe I am a bit older and wiser. I have been there for a friend who cheated on her DH and got discovered. It was horrible to think she could do that. But she is a wonderful, lovely friend who did something monumentally stupid and still regrets it hugely. But like JohnFarleysRuskin she is more aware of boundaries etc.

I can only hope this is the case for DH...

[Hopingforachange]

I will never be able to trust 100% again with anyone. Surely better to try with someone who has shown true remorse and I know isn't going to turn into an abusive drunk or become emotionally abusive. He is a good man.

I agree with this 100%. That is exactly how I feel. Thinking of you Jones

[primeminister]

Jones I avoid posting on the whole because I've been abused

[primeminister]

Oops sorry ...abused by people on this board for various things I've done wrong but take it from me it is 100 per cent possible for a marriage to survive and thrive after an affair. My affair is five years over and I believe that we are now happier than we've ever been. The lasting problem for my dh however is not trusting me in a sexual sense but fear that he's reading things wrong generally. The shock he experienced when I let him down was monumental and he definitely still has days when he panics because he thinks that if I am having a bad day it is more than just a normal run of the mill bad day and that I am about to descend back into the very dark place I was in when it all happened. But I think he has made a decision that, for him, it is better to live with that than for us not to be together. Of course nothing will ever make it go back to how it was but truly I believe that he is happy and does not regret forgiving me. I think you will be ok.

[lazarusb]

I think the key is to accept and understand that you will have bad days, when you feel scared/jealous/insecure and remind yourself that you ahve both tried to get on with your life together. But talk to him when you feel like that. I don't personally believe it's healthy to never mention again, this was a big shock for you and it has changed your relationship.

I'm not saying it should be brought up constantly or as a punishment but you should be able to tell him when you're low and hopefully he will respond accordingly. Your feelings about this are valid and will continue to be so. But cheaters can and do change.

[VanderElsken]

Hi Jones. I'm so happy for you that things are going well.

Don't forget that these boards are self-selecting. It wouldn't make sense for the large number of people who recover from an affair to keep posting here about it. 1. They are not in need of support and motivation. They are getting that where they should be, at home. 2. It can seem show-offy to post for positive reasons. Why would you want to rub it in others faces who have a different situation?

So you're going to be reading a hugely weighted and biased representation of repeat offenders here. That's exactly why their partners are posting on the web.

I think we under-estimate how much infidelity goes on, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen to you again. on the contrary, it actually means that there are many many people who go on after an affair and make it work at home. it's really possible and even likely that a marriage will be stronger after something like this if it's handled well.

You'd be well within your rights to start a thread where people who are embarking positively post-affair can talk about that and offer support. People would come out of the woodwork. I think the LTB brigade is only something that happens when people sense a poster has blinkers on and is setting themselves up for a soul-destroying time of it. You have never seemed that way. I myself have cheated and been cheated on and there has been no correlation with what me or my partner have gone on to do. the 'once a cheater' thing is just really really wrong. There are a few, very few, people who use infidelity as some sort of horrible coping mechanism that it takes a lifetime to untangle but they come across loud and clear in print and your situation has NEVER seemed like that. Life is long. And people do a lot they regret in that time. I've seen people you NEVER would have guessed would cheat do it once completely from the blue and I've seen serial cheaters settle down with someone and never do it again. Empathising with your friend must help. You sound strong and wise. Good luck.

[Ivehearditallnow]

Really hope you going quiet on us means things are going well for you Jones!

[JonesTheSteam]

Still struggling on. Generally OK and hopeful.

Still good days and bad days.

Still having flashbacks to finding those emails from the OW. Not handling it particularly well.

DH is so ashamed of what he has done, is hugely affectionate and loving towards us all, completely clear that he wants us to work or and is doing everything he can to support me through the bad moments. I have no doubts that he loves me.

We talk honestly all the time. 'tis v tiring!

Time will tell. Have days when the pain is still unbearable.

All the kids, including DD, had excellent end of year reports.

I still have hope.

Thanks for thinking of me.

[Pat45]

Jones, it is not one bit easy and I take my hat off to you. I was unfaithful to a longterm partner who found out and forgave me. It actually was very little about my partner and more about me and feeling that my life was cordened off and that I had no chance of anything ever happening again. I think I just felt a bit claustraphobic. When I was found out and realised the devastation I had caused I woke up with a very sharp jolt. This happened about 20 years ago and I still find it hard to believe that I did what I did.

Our relationship didn't last but we were relatively young, not married and had no DC. I subsequently married someone else and unfortunately our marriage was not happy and we split up. I never cheated on my husband and even now over 20 years later I honestly believe I would never cheat on anyone else again. I don't want to sound flippant but I just got myself into a world of my own where I thought I needed a bit of excitement. I didn't take my partner's feelings into consideration and to be honest I didn't think I would get caught. I didn't really fancy the person I had the fling with and actually much preferred the company of my partner. I just felt that I needed to do something for myself. Absolutely selfish I know.

To this day I can't believe I was unfaithful and would be devastated if anyone I loved was unfaithful to me. The only reason I am posting is to say that I know how meaningless a fling can be outside of a loving relationship. It was a lesson learned for me and not an experience that I will ever repeat. I hope you and your DH can work it out. It would be awful to throw away a loving relationship for an incident which was totally out of character. I do not underestimate for one minute the devastation you are feeling but I now how meaningless the affair can be.

[Ivehearditallnow]

Very honest and interesting post, Pat x

Glad you're continuing to cope Jones all the very best to all of you (maybe not so much your DH )

[marriageisatrainwreck]

Just wanted to pop in and let you know your posts resonate 100% with what I'm going through. I found out about dh's affair 4 months ago. It went on for several months with someone i know well whilst i was pregnant.

I thought I would be LTB. But after some time apart and dh showing genuine remorse and regret we are giving things another go.

I think in the last week or so my mindset has really changed.... I dont want to be a victim. Ive made a choice to move on together. He does love me but we both recognise he fuvked up in a massive way.

Take care