Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

193 replies

strongandindependent · 04/01/2014 12:34

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

OP posts:
MrsMoon76 · 04/01/2014 12:39

Look at it this way. Will he want to see the other child? Will you be ok with that? He will need to pay CM. How do you feel about that and how will all that affect your marriage? If he sees the child that means he will see her.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 04/01/2014 12:39

I am sorry this has happened to you.

You say that you do not think splitting up is the right this for your daughter - but what is the right thing for YOU?

You know that your daughter wont thank you for staying in a relationship full of doubt and mistrust ... dont you ?

uptheanty · 04/01/2014 12:40

So- he started the affair as your first FC together was being born?

Did you ask him why?

uptheanty · 04/01/2014 12:40

*dc

DrNick · 04/01/2014 12:41

Did he reveal in an effort to move on?

Tonandfeather · 04/01/2014 12:41

What a horrible shock and sorry he has done this to you.

Your friends are right though. What your husband has done is have unprotected sex with someone else while having sex with you and has without consulting you, signed you up to supporting another child that isn't yours for possibly 21 years. So practical things first and get a STD check and go to a lawyer. Ask him to go away now while you sort those things out. If he's been having an affair since your daughter was born and exposing you to god knows what, someone who can go that low is unlikely to improve.

MikeLitoris · 04/01/2014 12:45

Your daughter will not thank you for staying in an unhappy marriage. Trust me.

If you stay for her and live an unhappy life think how she will feel if she ever knows you did it for her sake.

My mum stayed because she wamted me to have a dad. I felt such guilt that she stayed. I hated my dad and my mum and I still have a strained relationship because of it.

No matter what you think is right, children do not need to be brought up by mum and dad in the same house. They need happy and stable lives.

ALittleStranger · 04/01/2014 12:45

Your daughter will eventually become aware of this. She now has a half sibling and unless your 'D'P is a complete twunt he will need a relationship (financial and emotional) with the new baby. It would be very damaging to attempt to conceal this from your DD as it will come out eventually. So harsh as it is, you're not operating in an environment where you can sweep this under the carpet and play happy families. See this as a good thing, it gives you the freedom to decide what you actually want and need.

homeaway · 04/01/2014 12:46

I am so sorry op. I have no advice ti give but you need to do what is right for you. He has been having an affair since your dd was born , what does that tell you about the way he feels about you? Nobody can tell you what to do , nobody is walking in your shoes, whatever you decide you will have to be strong but I think mn will be here to hold your hand.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 04/01/2014 12:49

But you see, he doesn't want to be with you. He has been seeing someone else all this time. They have shared memories, a relationship, they are going to have a child.

He lied. He cheated. He probably bought her presents from your family money. He exposed you to STDs.

This isn't about you giving your all. There is nothing you can do to make him take back all he has done.

He made this choice. Not you. No matter what he says now it's all rubbish. His actions speak louder than any miserable regrets he might have.

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 04/01/2014 12:49

Sorry that sounded harsh. I'm sorry this is happening :-(

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 04/01/2014 12:51

The trust is gone and the other DC will always be a constant reminder of his affair. I have no respect for men who do not see their DC regardless of what the circumstances of their birth may be. So either you stay with your DH without trust, while he pays money towards and perhaps has contact with this DC while you continue to wonder if he is cheating again.
This is no way for you or your DC to live. Your H has no respect for you or your DC, he has potentially put your health at risk as he obviously did not use protection.
He a vile selfish man.
Get yourself an STI check and throw the bastard out at least till you work out what you want to happen.
If he runs straight to the OW then you now exactly where his loyalties lie.

RatherBeRiding · 04/01/2014 12:54

Presumably you found out by accident rather than him coming clean? So if you'd not found out he would still be seeing her, and having a secret family. He's a total arse. Get rid. Your dd will be upset but can still have a relationship with him, one that's not based on lies and deceit. Other posters are right - she'll not thank you for staying in such a marriage because of her.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 04/01/2014 12:55

So sorry this has happened. You must feel dreadful.

Would you like to share more about the situation? For example, how did you find out? .. what is the current status of the affair?

lekkerslaap · 04/01/2014 12:56

Knowing what I know now, I would insist on splitting up.

It wasn't a quick leg over, it was 2.5 years. Get rid of him and find someone who deserves you. You will never be able to trust him again and, to be honest, I think you and your daughter can do better.

Please don't waste time. I think you will regret it otherwise. Lots of threads on here from women who have.

dawntigga · 04/01/2014 12:57

It's a horrible shock, allow the news to sink in before you decide to stay. Get him out, get some space and make a decision based on what is best for you, a miserable mother is not what your daughter needs.

HopeYouFindAWayToDoWhatYouNeedTiggaxx

ALittleStranger · 04/01/2014 12:57

Two questions if you feel able OP.

What more do you think you could possible give to give this relationship your all?

And does the OW know about you?

Tonandfeather · 04/01/2014 12:57

The mind boggles at what damaging lessons a daughter would learn if her mother stayed with someone who'd secretly fathered another child. Conversely, she'd learn a very positive message if you left. That women really don't have to stay in relationships with cruel men who rather than be around to welcome her entry to the world, were screwing around.

bringbacksideburns · 04/01/2014 12:58

I couldn't continue with someone who had done this. It would forever be at the back of my mind and i would never trust him again.

Far better for your child to have two seperated but amicable parents who do their best for her.
Could you cope with regular visits from the other child and her mother constantly in the background?

WandaDoff · 04/01/2014 12:59

The kind of person that can lie so completely & keep such a huge part of his life secret is not good husband & father material. How could you ever trust him again?

He isn't a nice or decent man, you & your daughter deserve better.

Original poster
strongandindependent · 04/01/2014 13:01

Thank you for your messages.

No, he does not want to be involved in the upbringing of the other child and OW does not want him involved either although I am fairly certain she "trapped" him to have a child of her own. They will inevitably be connected now though.

I found out as he had ended the affair and wanted us to work things out. I was foolish and ignored my instincts as I had long suspected something was wrong.

I don't intend to keep this from DD but I do wonder if we call it a day, would he and OW end up together (unlikely in current situation but who knows). It would be heartbreaking for my DD to grow up without her father.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 04/01/2014 13:05

Even if you end it your DD won't grow up without a father. Lots of people with seperated parents have perfectly good relationships with both of them as long as they put the effort in.

Although your 'D'P has to reconsider his attitude towrds parenting, you can't have a child and then decide you don't want to be involved I'm afraid.

pomdereplay · 04/01/2014 13:05

So he got a woman pregnant and has no interest in seeing that child grow up?

I'm sorry but I would find that just as upsetting as the affair. His mistress didn't 'trap' him either. He's a grown man who has had unprotected sex with her of his own free will.

You say you don't want your DD to grow up without him as her father. Does this mean you fear if you separate he will abandon her too?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please get a STD check as soon as possible. Your little girl is going to need you to be well and strong.

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 04/01/2014 13:07

You sound as if you are staying with him because of

  1. your DD
  2. you don't want her to "win" him--some prize

Please ask him to leave for a while for you to work out what is best for you. But remember it takes a very skilled liar to manage 2 1/2 years of screwing another woman

Offred · 04/01/2014 13:08

I couldn't be with a man who could abandon a child.

Nor would I choose to continue a marriage where so many secrets and lies had been told.

Don't fool yourself that staying would be for your daughter. She deserves a chance to know her sibling and an example of a healthy relationship as well as a stable home which, given the scale of his deceit, she is not likely to get with him.