Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

My mum's divorce cost closer to 10k (solicitor was in Brighton)

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

That sounds very expensive. There are a lot of divorces every year and I would be surprised if all could afford to pay that.

[Allergictoironing]

I'd shop around a bit first, as it does seem a fair amount. Maybe ask WA or someone for local recommendations, as central London solicitors tend to be a lot pricier than provincial ones.

[CityTiliDie]

£5000 seems a hell of a lot to me!

What is there to argue over?

Cant you have an amicable discussion about things, there is lots of help on the internet to give you an idea of how to split stuff and what is a reasonable amount for him to pay.

My divorce from DW 15 years ago cost me.......... £0! I had a 30 minute free session with a solicitor who gave me loads of helpful advice and I did the rest myself.

You are an intelligent strong woman and I'm damn sure you can do this so much cheaper and keep more of your hard earned moolah for yourself and you dc.

Good luck

[strongandindependent]

Dropped off MN as been busy trying to get my life sorted.

I saw a divorce lawyer. Does £5,000 sound like an average/acceptable/not being completely ripped off amount for the approx cost? I have no idea. The lawyer is in central London and has a good reputation. Obviously I want us to try to sort things out as amicably as possible but who knows if we will end up in court fighting it out.

I'm struggling with the emotions, it is so difficult when you (think you) love someone but know that they don't really love you. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually.

Thanks for all your support MN. I read it all, and it really helped.

[Fairenuff]

What you are feeling is perfectly natural. You have been treated appallingly and it is going to hurt. However, you have taken the first step towards healing yourself and working towards a better future. There was no future for you with him, there really is no way to go back to how it was before.

Look after yourself, get supportive friends and family around you, eat when you can and rest when you can. Keep posting about how you are feeling if you find it helps.

Unfortunately you have to go through this horrible process and none of it your doing. You are a great role model for your daughter x

[Offred]

I think it's blunt but not irrelevant. The op hasn't said she will facilitate him abandoning his new child though. She's, understandably, been put all in a spin by this and hasn't known which way is up I think. Empathy for anyone else is obviously going to be difficult.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

That is really unfair and very cruel, Beth9009. The child has been conceived by a cheating husband and his wife is not responsible for him or the baby.

[Beth9009]

If you take him back and he has no relationship with his child, then you are complicit in the abandonment of that child, IMO. Even if the mother is willing for him to have no involvement, the child will still grow up with pain that his/her father didn't think enough of him/her to ever want to see him/him. The child will feel like dirt because of this.

The most important thing is that he doesn't abandon his responsibility to the child. Beyond that, you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. My advice is that you are well rid. You might not feel like it now, but I'm sure in 5 years time you'll look back and be glad you made the decision to part company with the loser.

[Logg1e]

OP I thought I'd feel better now but it's worse than before

In what way? How you feel about his affair or how you feel about your relationship being over or how you feel about the future or something else?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

OP, even if it's temporary, you've done the right thing.

Feeling like this is absolutely to be expected.

It WILL get better.

Personally, I think you should not consider getting back with him at all, ever, but more than anything I just hope you give yourself time to get over this first hard bit, get used to the space and be able to think clearly, before deciding anything.

There's no rush.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Strong it might not feel like it but you are living up to your name and doing the right thing. I think space will help you to decide what you want to do rather than being pushed into what he wants...which at this point in time is irrelevant.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

Poor you. It's an awful thing to go through. A massive betrayal. Please be kind to yourself. Get friends and family involved. Tell anyone you need. Their kindness will probably surprise you.

[loopeyloo]

Sorry im all for second chances but this wouldnt work out im sure of it, you need to cut your losses now hard as it is. I could never fully trust him generally or that he wouldnt go back to this OW.

Its totally different but years ago when i was 18 i had a bf who cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant, and the hurt was just horrible, this was nonly a 6 month relationship i thought i was in love but i know now i wasnt but that horrible feeling i got when i found out will never leave me.
Ive been cheated on since aswell and i did give a 2nd chance that time but circumstances were different, the paranoia i now have will never leave me i dont think

[Offred]

I think this is probably to be expected, you feeling down about it. I think it is part of the grieving process when you've been terribly hurt like this.

Have you got any outside support?

I do think it will be helpful to have space from him and feel the hurt you need to feel no matter what you decide to do in the end because otherwise it might just get swept under the carpet.

[strongandindependent]

it's not going well. i chucked him out last week and he's staying with family.

i thought i'd feel better now but it's worse than before.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Fairenuff - there is no point in being on the relationships board if you are expecting people to do the sensible thing. Its easy for us we dont know him or love him we can just see what he has done

Hopefully the op will listen, mull it over and come to a sensible decision but plenty dont and, much as we can see its a mistake, thats their perogative.

[magoria]

Give OP a break. It is 4 days since she posted. She won't be eating, sleeping or thinking properly. On top of that she has a child to look after.

She will be up and down like a yoyo with a massive dip if there is said baby.

She will do what she thinks best for her and her child in her time.

[Fairenuff]

He hasn't moved out, he is still living with his family, sleeping with his wife, playing with his daughter. Nothing has changed for this man.

There are no consequences and nothing to stop him doing it again - once a suitable amount of time has passed, of course, to let OP 'get over it' and 'stop going on about it'.

[strongandindependent]

Droves - yes I am ANGRY!!!

I don't really care how OW got pregnant. He shouldn't have cheated.

[Droves]

I dont think Op is considering staying , shes getting angry .

In these situations angry is preferable to hurt .

[Droves]

I dont think Op is considering staying , shes getting angry .

In these situations angry is preferable to hurt .

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I agree, Pobble. It is one thing to cheat on your wife but quite another to cheat on your baby .