Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

waves.

Where have you been? I have been looking for you and could not find. How are you? How are the children? How is work?

I have to go to school now but will catch up later x.

[wavesandsmiles]

Hello Toffee

I am still slightly in hiding (stalkerish tendencies of stbxh) but popping out from time to time. Children are fabulous, our new morning routine is all 4 of us having cuddles in my bed before the school/nursery/work run. It is very very lovely. Will PM you rather than hijack strong's thread (fabulous name by the way OP)

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I look forward to it, Waves .

[stooshe]

You can't stay with a man who has had a love affair with another woman for two and a half years. You most definitely can't stay with a man who got said woman pregnant (don't worry too much, it could have been a STD, instead) and says, with no shame that he doesn't want to see the child.
You do realise that shithouses know that they are shithouses? Your husband saying that he doesn't want to see the child is his test for you. If you stay in this relationship on condition(it doesn't matter whther it's you or him that set the "condition") that he doesn't see his "outside" child, no matter your pain on discovering his affair (and child), you are as low as him. Trust me, he will use this against you.
Leave the man. Your child needs a father, but I am realising more and more that "fathers" tend to be "real men". Real men own their shit and do not look for the "loving helper" of a cheated upon partner to sort out the shitstorm that they have created. Your partner's actions (post discovery of affair) are those of a coward.
You don't need to be any "competition" with this other woman. She well may have had her motives, but if your husband hadn't put himself in her, she wouldn't have had a lot to be motivated by.
The most important consideration for you (after your daughter) is why you are even considering yoking yourself furthermore to somebody who is very capable of having a parallel life with the one he has with you. You are only living half a life if a partner is living a double life. THAT is always one of the truths that comes out of situations like this. Half a life for you and an enabled ,double or even (in some cases) triple life for the cheater. Do the right thing and don't enable your daughter to grow up and be a wimp when it comes to trifling men.
Sorry if I am being a bit harsh. Aside from shame and pride, I really cannot see why any sane woman would even consider not packing in a relationship such as this. Too much drama in too short a time with one too many women and one too many children not born of the official relationship is too much for you to take on. All the "martyr" women that I know have grown to have so much disdain for females in general and they "mansplain" more than any rogue male that I know in real life.

[strongandindependent]

Ahhh MN. I have listened to everything you've said and it's sinking in now. I'm not feeling so low now, just plain old angry. And wow, had never heard of hysterical bonding but googled it and had a laugh! (If you don't you'll cry)

Yes it's all a horrible living nightmare but it could be worse. I just have a bstrd H not a terminal illness. I'll move on with life and pick myself up.

No final decisions made but at least I'm not in the pit of doom and gloom that I was the last week or so. I'm ready to wait to see if this other child exists or not. I'm ready to meet the OW if necessary. I will be open with my DD and tell her the truth when the times right.

It's difficult but I'll be fine.

(The next post from me will no doubt be when I'm back in the pit again. Apologies in advance)

[Droves]

Strong .... your bloody awesome ! Im impressed by how together you are . You'll have a great future .

[ChippingInWadesIn]

I'm worried - it sounds like you are going to 'make a go of it' with him :(

Why are you thinking about meeting the OW - what do you hope or think you will gain by doing so?

Why does it make any difference if there is another child or not?

It sounds very much like you are trying to convince yourself you can forgive him for this and carry on as before - be under no illusion, you can't. Occasionally a couple can build a new marriage after an affair, but that wont work with your H, he doesn't have the right outlook for it. All you will be doing is prolonging the misery - for yourself and for your DD.

it's shit.

[mathanxiety]

I also want to know how come the pregnancy makes a difference?

For me (and I know you are not me) the fact that he is willing to walk out on his own possible baby, and in his heart has already turned his back on the one he already has, with you, would be a deal breaker.

(Because a man who is having an affair when he has a tiny baby has in many respects abandoned her.)

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Well good luck to you. The thought of having to meet and make small talk about babies with the woman my husband had been screwing behind my back would be enough to make me run screaming to the hills.

Whatever you do, don't lose sight of the person you want to be. It's his fuck up, not yours.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I suspect whether there is a baby or not makes a difference as if there isn't the OP can pretend this never happened. A baby makes that bloody difficult.

This man is a shit. No doubt about it. Fucks off to fuck another woman while his wife is carrying his child. Huge sent of virility going on there. Then is stupid enough to get another woman pregnant and can easily dispose of them too. OP I am afraid you and your child are as dispensable to the twat you are living with as his OW and Baby are. He will only stay with you if you tow the line. Kick him out and he'll be knocking on her door PDQ. Stay with him and you are teaching your daughter it is fine, and her place, to be shat on.

[whattoWHO]

Something that's stuck out to me -
He told you he'd finished the relationship. So how come he took a phone call after that during which she told him of the pregnancy?
Surely if the relationship was over he wouldn't be answering his phone to her?

[strongandindependent]

On the call, she withheld her number and blurted it out before he hung up.

And yes it matters if there is a child as I will have to tell my DD about it. No matter what happens with me and H, she will have a half sibling and i will not stand in her way if she wants to have a relationship with them regardless of how painful that is. As I see it, i may well have to meet OW in the future because of this, even if neither of us are with H.

[Droves]

Your willing to make arrangements to facilitate a future relationship between your dd and the ows child (if there is one ,even if she is pg , you dont know what will happen. She might decide not to continue when she realises what a massive shit H is )

Even if neither of you are with H ( I think thats a good idea for everyone , he lied to you both ).

Your a massively decent person .

[HowlingTrap]

I'm glad your feeling stronger.

I'm a bit worried you're going to try and 'make a go of it ' too.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I think the fact you are even thinking about what relationships are going to be formed is either a sign you will take him back or you are incredibly nice.

Good luck.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

Do you know how she got pregnant? Is he saying a condom broke or something?

No matter, really. For the next 18 years, your family money will be taken from from you and your daughter, to pay for your husband's selfish actions.

I'm sorry op, but I'm amazed that you would even consider being in a relationship with a man who's been lying and cheating on you throughout your daughters life. I don't mean to sound harsh, but the idea that in 2014, women in this country, really think they have to put up with this treatment is quite incredible.

I would not be having any kind of relationship/meeting with the OW. Why would you do that? Your husband can sort out the children's relationship, can't he?

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

It would be interesting to ask him "how did she get pregnant?" and then stay quiet. Let him explain himself and fill the silence. One thing the condom broke but to use nothing..

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I get the feeling the OP is considering staying because she's thinking of everyone else bar herself.

I haven't seen if you've asked him to leave, even if temporarily whilst you work out how you feel. But him saying he'll do anything to make it work (convenient), well he doesn't really have to try if he has no consequences to his actions does he?

Everything you went through together with your DD as a newborn and her growing up, he was shagging someone else the whole time. I couldn't stay with someone who made our family life such a lie.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I agree, Pobble. It is one thing to cheat on your wife but quite another to cheat on your baby .

[Droves]

I dont think Op is considering staying , shes getting angry .

In these situations angry is preferable to hurt .

[Droves]

I dont think Op is considering staying , shes getting angry .

In these situations angry is preferable to hurt .

[strongandindependent]

Droves - yes I am ANGRY!!!

I don't really care how OW got pregnant. He shouldn't have cheated.

[Fairenuff]

He hasn't moved out, he is still living with his family, sleeping with his wife, playing with his daughter. Nothing has changed for this man.

There are no consequences and nothing to stop him doing it again - once a suitable amount of time has passed, of course, to let OP 'get over it' and 'stop going on about it'.

[magoria]

Give OP a break. It is 4 days since she posted. She won't be eating, sleeping or thinking properly. On top of that she has a child to look after.

She will be up and down like a yoyo with a massive dip if there is said baby.

She will do what she thinks best for her and her child in her time.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Fairenuff - there is no point in being on the relationships board if you are expecting people to do the sensible thing. Its easy for us we dont know him or love him we can just see what he has done

Hopefully the op will listen, mull it over and come to a sensible decision but plenty dont and, much as we can see its a mistake, thats their perogative.