Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[HowlingTrap]

Jesus what a horrible bombshell for him to drop on you and your family. He told you correct me if I'm wrong? , probably to cover his back when she comes for maintenance, when is the baby due?

I'm glad to hear you got tested I was going to suggest that first off, glad to hear all is okay.
I think you are desperately trying to rationalize by lashing out at the OW, because the idea that someone has come along and 'corrupted' your nice DH is a more comforting one that you married a complete arsehole all along, and a lot of people see that as a reflection on themselves, ;

"How could I marry someone like that and not know, what does it say about me?"
Nothing, and as the affair displays, he has a talent for huge deceit, again his bad not yours.

I think when you have had time to process come back and read the thread again, I think the level of betrayal will be like a brick from a plane soon and give you motivation to take the right steps.
Take care OP.

[DirtyThree]

Gosh, I'm so sorry you are now the one having to take responsibility for the emotional burden this has put on you all. What was he thinking.

I hope you can find some strength for the right way forward for you and your DD (whatever way that will be) soon.

[oldgrandmama]

I found out my (now ex) husband was having an affair. But I stayed ... 'because of the children' (both tiny, about 1 and 3). I stayed 20 years, while he had a series of 'girlfriends', including my best friend

Did I do the right thing? Did I hell. I had twenty years of depression, suicidal thoughts, repressed fury. I cried gallons of tears. He didn't give a shit but didn't want a divorce because of 'what people would think' (we lived in a small village).

I did divorce him (to his dismay) eventually. My kids, now middle aged, say I really should have left him early on, they'd have been OK (he was never particularly interested in them in any case).

Once I'd left and divorced him, I never looked back. But wish I'd done it early on, when I saw what an unfaithful shit he really was.

[ADifferentPrespective]

Am a regular but have NC for this post.

This happened to someone close to me. They are still together some years on and have always had regular contact and financially supported the child who is part of their family and knows their half siblings well.

They did split for a while but got back together eventually. It hasnt been easy, the wife is in my opinion a saint, but they are now heading towards retirement together, with their adult children at university and the youngest child in secondary school.

The child is a joy and even the wife says she loves having them around, although she has not spoken to the childs mother for some years.

Its not an easy path to take although it can work, but it depends on how you feel about your DH. The wife said that the period apart really helped, because they both made an active decision to get back together and work at their relationship

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

OP Please read oldgrandmama's post and then read it again.

Best advice you have had is to tell him to leave for a bit. This gives you space to think. You don't have to look at him. You don't have to pretend in front of your toddler. It gives you time to realise you can manage perfectly well and even better without him. It gives you time to breathe without him there.

You could come out of this time apart stronger than ever and willing to take him back and not take any more shit. Or it might make you not want to be with him anymore and you will already have had weeks without him so no biggy (in a way) to make it official.

You sound so heartbroken but you also sound strong.

[ADifferentPrespective]

I think seperating for a bit - Maybe ask for a week or two apart to clear your head and think then meet up to talk - make sure he is the one who has to leave, might help.

One other thing I think is important was they also had a paternity test done just after the child was born - just so that there could never be any doubt the child was his - although he thought that was the case and it looks just like him!

[AmberLeaf]

Some things there are no going back from.

Your relationship with him as you knew it is over.

If you stay, you will never be able to trust him again.

How would him having no involvement, other than financial with the child sit with you?

[Loopytiles]

I bet he is doing "everything" right now. Agree that he should move out while you think about things and take legal advice. How can you think properly while he's mooching around remorsefully and playing superdad?

Regardless of whether OW is pregnant / it's his, he conducted a long term affair and now wants nothing to do with his child. Scumbag.

[comingintomyown]

I wouldn't even consider staying with this man and I doubt you will once the shock starts to wear off

Please trust me when I say that whilst two happy resident parents may be the optimum set up for DC divorce doesn't screw kids up provided it is done well.

The least you must do is tell him to move out for a while or he will never respect you in the future whatever you decide to do

[Droves]

Hes ville to do this to you .

But , its not unheard of for ow to claim that they are pregnant to "win"the man .

Id be making my mind up regardless of the assumed pregnancy .
Your H is a liar and a cheat , base your decision on that .

Whatever you decide to do , you must make it abundently clear that the future , is on your terms from now on . Not negotiable .

He will be providing maintenence for your dc , if you split . Id go for spousal maintenence for yourself too since it was him that did not keep your legal agreement (marriage vows).
If you can sue OW for emotional injury too, go for it . Why should she get away with being party to your H's bad treatment of you and your dc .

If you stay with him , id be making it quite clear that any access visits to child will be made on your terms . Id do pick ups and drop offs , I would not allow her near your home ever .Any discussions about pregnancy or child will be comunicated through lawyer or mediator to begin with .She has intruded enough .

[Logg1e]

OP, H has said he will do anything to work on relationship (he would though, wouldn't he) and has been doing everything I've asked so far.

What has he actually done (as opposed to said)?

What has he suggested he do (as opposed to following your requests)?

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

I am wondering - does he do the kind of job where it is easy for him to spend time with another woman, or does he has lots of "hobbys"

If the former it will be very hard for you to know what he is up to when he is not with you - if the latter is he willing to change his lifestyle and spend free time with you or would you be confident when he went off to the Gym/fishing that he was not still being sneaky?

[strongandindependent]

I am still in shock. I don't know when this will sink in but it be like a brick in the face. Again.

He has offered to change jobs if needed or if I ask him to although it's not massively relevant as he did not meet her at work. She is a friend of a friend. No he doesn't have lots of hobbies, and nearly all of his free time was spent with me.

Feeling bit less c### now. Really angry instead...

[ChippingInWadesIn]

I would tell him to leave. He's been cheating on you for half your marriage and since you were pregant (or before) with DD - if he can't be faithful then, he will never be.

Don't do it to yourself and don't do it to DD - it is no way to live, for either of us.

It is a miserable existance trying to 'put your all into it' after the other person has had an affair and it just wears you down and kills your self confidence.

Children aren't stupid and they don't thank you for staying with men like this - really they don't.

[aaaaaaa]

This happened to a friend of mine
she stayed with her husband and had 2 more children

her husband and OW changed their minds about him having no involvement in the child's life, after the birth. So every Sunday he leaves her and their kids, whilst he visits the other child. Sometimes he takes all the children out together. But OW will not allow my friend to be involved in the child's life. He goes along with this, or OW threatens to stop contact. He visits them at Xmas and of course he has photos of him with the child

its a hideous situation. From her situation, i would say it doesn't get easier to live with, but more and more difficult

[aaaaaaa]

droves access can not be on OPs terms...the OW is the child's mother

and, it would be quite suprising i think, if OPs 'terms' are compatible with what OW wants/the best interests of the child

[JessMcL]

PLEASE

Stay with him because you still love him and want to make things work. Not because of your daughter. I know you have the best of intentions but that is NOT the right thing for her.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

My dad started cheating on my mum when she was pregnant with me and they remained together with him cheating with a string of women until I turned 18. Staying together for the 'sake of the kids' is the most horrendous thing to do. No one gains - my mother had a horrible life and us children grew up with so much guilt. I have nothing to do with my dad now and neither do 2 of my siblings. My mum is now finally happy but she wasted the best years of her life.

[HowlingTrap]

aaaaaaa, thats must be horrible why does the OW think she has rights to demand things?

[Offred]

Of course she has rights to demand things that are in the best interests of her child. Sometimes people are misguided about what is in the child's interest but children of the same father are of equal status and are entitled to be treated as such by their father. How a child was conceived shouldn't dictate their expectations of love, care and support from their parents anymore than is actually necessary, anything else is just punishing (and damaging) all of the children.

[TalkativeJim]

He'll do everything to work on the relationship?

What fucking relationship?!

He screwed it up and threw it in the bin quite a while ago really, didn't he?

I advise you from the bottom of my heart to get the fuck out of any so-called 'relationship' with a person like this. Two and a half years of lying to your face. Making everything a mockery. And, and - during the time you had your child together. There's really nothing to say about that except how terribly terribly sad that is - that wonderful, special time when you become a family, you have a brand new baby together that only you and he are the parents of, nobody knows and enjoys the little baby world you have together except you two - and that, that meant NOTHING to him. He could go straight from that to fucking another person. That's not redeemable. That shows like nothing else how defective he is inside, and I do not see how that can be changed.

If you stay with him I don't think you'll ever relax again - why the fuck would you? It's not some 'mistake'. It is what he is. Even if he is now truly sorry, realises how terrible his actions have been etc., is horrified - it doesn't change the fact that he IS that man. And who, who in their right mind would want to share a life with that man?

What would ever be natural, happy, relaxed, trusting about 'rebuilding' with him?

The fact that he's even begging tells you that it's not really sunk in, what he did. If it had, and if he had a shred of humanity and morality he'd be saying to you - I'm sorry and I know that no sane healthy person would choose to forgive and stay with someone who had done this to them, so I know we're over.

But he's telling you he'll make it up to you. By doing what exactly? The issue is that he is a man who is capable of the most horrific deceit, and who is capable of shitting on his nearest and dearest without a second thought. For years. No moment of madness. Now, he is still that man, yes? He hasn't had a personality transplant. So what exactly does he plan to do? What exactly does he plan to do about the fact that every time you look at him you'll be thinking 'You fucked us over in a way I'd not even do to my worst enemy.'?

I think you now how you will feel if you stay with him. Others have said similar and have talked of wasted years. Don't waste those years and don't waste your DC's childhood on 'building' a family with a hole at its heart.

[TalkativeJim]

Know not now!

[aaaaaaa]

howling i agree with offred i think..in an ideal situation (haha) the child would visit the dad in his own home and be involved with his family life. But you can completely understand why she doesn't want her child having contact with the wronged wife. My friend understands that too, and doesn't really want any involvement with that child either. But you can imagine how painful it is to know that her husband and children have another dd/dsis that they know and spend time with, and she is totally excluded. AND the child is a result of infidelity.

its a slightly different situation, ad it was not a full blown 'affair'. It was just sex. And OW didn't know he was married. My friend was pregnant when he told her. There is only a couple of months difference in age between 1 of her children and that child. She has run in to the OW and dd whilst out and about...imagine that! The child looks just like one of her own dds

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

What AmberLeaf said is true. The relationship[ you had has disappeared so it might be interesting and helpful to look at whether you would go into a relationship with a man who had a child with his wife, cheated on her and had a baby with the OW. Would you chose that? No? Then you don't have to stay. You would? Then you make him fix things and make it up to your toddler.

[wavesandsmiles]

Toffee is very very wise. Fwiw, I have 2 experiences of failed marriages. With my first, I found out my exH was screwing OW through 2 years of marriage. I filed for divorce etc and she was pg before it became final (oh a whole 3 months). It is not the same BUT, that vile man has not seen my DS1 and DD for 5 years now, not paid a scrap of maintenance, not sent a birthday card or anything. And somewhere, not sure where but in our locality, is their half sister, just a year younger than my DD, and who also has no contact (apparently) with her father. A man who can so easily walk away from one child, can so easily walk away from any child.

What your DD really needs is a strong mother, you sound just like that. My DS and DD are absolutely fine, if a little teary occasionally, but that is mainly because their dad is completely absent, not just no longer in the family home.

I really hope that you make the right decision for you, because ultimately, making the right decision for you will be the right decision for your DD.

I had a horribly tough decision to make last year but (thank you everyone who helped me back then), I made the right decision for me, and now I am happy to snuggle up in my bed with my lovely 3 DCs. No issues of trust, or worries, or anger, or tears, or arguing (apart from with the children about the state of their bedrooms). I have a perfect family of 4. Not the family I imagined, but it is perfect.