Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[jamtoast12]

Agree bluesky.. For me, .it's not so much the having another child, it's giving my child a sibling that isn't my child. At some point in the future those kids will likely have some sort of relationship and I couldn't forgive that :(

[feelingvunerable]

He has far more to loose than you do, so will be desperate to cling onto you and his marriage.
If she was engaged then it does sound as if she was a bit on the side and he thought he could have his cake and eat it. Now that she is pregnant things have gone all wrong for him, this wasn't the plan.

You don't have to make any decisions right now, you are free to change your mind. I agree that the ow will get every penny she is entitled to and may be quite savvy about her rights-not that that is wrong in any way.

If you do stay with your h what on earth are you going to tell your dd? Please bear in mind that you will then be setting her a very negative example of what being a married woman is all about. How much lower could a father and married man stoop.

Take care.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I don't know how to pm OP but a member of my family is a family lawyer in London.

[Pooka]

My parents separated when I was 9. My brothers were 14 and 15. My father had had an affair. Had ended it but then carried on after he was given another chance. My mother called it quits when she found out.

I have a good relationship with my father and my step mother (not the ow). I am very close to my mother. The actual split was incredibly well managed by my mother. Zero recriminations and arguments in our presence and no judgement of my mum about my dad. God she was strong! :)

My brothers I think found it harder to deal with ad they were older and more aware.

Your dd is still so young that if you are able to compartmentalise and both of you act in her beat interests from now on, the split really should not have a long lasting impact on her. The older she gets, the harder it becomes in my opinion, and I truly believe from what you have posted and given the way your dh is now inextricably
Linked to the ow and the baby, that there isn't really a way of going back to how things were.

Such a tangled mess. He is a fool and a twat. Please don't think that you are doing your dd a favour by clinging on to a marriage in her name.

[musicismylife]

How awful that you are in this predicament.

Sending you virtual hugs, op. Give it time. Have some space from him. It doesn't really matter what he says now. The damage is done. But if he really cared about your marriage, he wouldn't gone there.

Actions always speak louder than words.

So sorry this is happening.

[pregnantpause]

Your dd will have a sibling. Three years younger than her. She WILL reach an age where she can do the maths and if you're still with her father at that point, how will you react to the questions that arise from that?

How would you explain that Daddy didn't want 'that child' it was all a mistake. When she's older again and works out what he'd done, how will she feel about that? very dodgy ground, IMO that he's having another DC with this woman makes forgiveness very complicated, and far more to the detriment of your dd than separating would be.

Her father will have two families, that overlap . I personally am also of the mind that regardless of the affair, a man who treats his offspring like his toys is not a man I could respect. He's decided he wants nothing to do with this child he's fathering? Whilst slating the ow as all kinds of slut and a terrible person, he's happy for his child to be reared solely by this man trapping whore is he? I couldn't just drop a child like that. You're worried about the impact of your dd growing up without a father,(though even if you split he'll still be her father- unless you think he'll be so flippant as to not want her either) why isn't He worried about his dc2 growing up without a father?! No, I couldn't look at him, let alone love him, for disregarding his own child

He's not exactly shouldering the consequences of his behaviour is he? He's pretending that the consequences aren't his to deal with.

[CrispyHedgeHog]

I cant see how to pm from my phone but I'll give you the name of the one I used when I get up shortly. She's in Stoke Newington.

[differentnameforthis]

My H's parents did when he was young and look how screwed up he turned out to be.

I know lots of children of divorced parents, and they aren't screwed up. In my opinion your daughter will more likely be screwed up because he is fathering a children he doesn't wish to see/has cheated (thus far) her whole life & is hurting you.

[threebats]

Hi op - If I were in your shoes I would see this as a no win situation. If he saw the child, had contact with the mother, grew a relationship and a life with them, which he would have to - it would break my heart. If he had no contact with this child at all then I would view him as the most selfish bastard in the world for abandoning his own child. No win.
I would leave him - that is what I would do. What you do, is your choice.
Your dd will be fine, she has got you - lots of children, as said above, have divorced parents and are not screwed up. Lots of children have parents who stay together through recrimination and they are screwed up. Your dd will be a product of what you teach her and you teach her via actions, words and good behaviour yourself. Don't you? Its not easy to screw up a child - it takes real dedication - most of us don't have that in us - most of us want what is best for our children - as long as you want what is best for your child she will be absolutely fine.

[magoria]

How do you know there is a pregnancy?

How do you know it is your H's and not her P's?

You cannot know these answers until a child is born. Your H should demand a DNA test asap after this event.

Until this point if he is the father, when he sees the child, if he has a relationship with it, how much he pays for it is all an unknown. So I think you need to put that on a back burner. Horrible limbo time for you.

Ask him to move out temporarily. Can you afford for him to rent a bedsit for 6 months or so until any child is born? He and you can use this time to see if he really will do anything to create a working marriage with you. You may find you cannot forgive and don't want him back.

Either way it gives you space and time to work stuff out until you can find out about any child.

Personally I couldn't forgive someone lying to me, cheating on me, looking me in the eyes and telling me he loved me or laying in bed cuddling me (or even worse having sex) after coming home from screwing another woman.

Good luck.

[CrispyHedgeHog]

Have pm'ed you OP, keep your chin up

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I've pm'd you OP.

[bordellosboheme]

Think it through, but google 'hysterical bonding' and make sure you don't do that! Good luck

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

I am so sorry, OP.

Don't stay for your DD. Stay for you. You live your life, she will live hers. You can't live your life for someone else.

You are married to someone who is prepared to walk away from their child. You need to protect yourself.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

I think I agree with whoever said I would not be able to cope if he did see and have contact with the child and by necessity the OW but I would think way less of him if he could ignore his child (which I appreciate puts him in a lose/lose situation)

You perhaps also need to think long term, do you live in a small community? A similar thing happend here, children will a small age gap and they both ended up at the same primary, I cant even begin to imagine how much that hurt the wife and confused both children.

I do appreciate you love him but perhaps you need to stand back at look at who he actually is compared to who you thought he was. Can you love and respect a man who is capable of doing these things? Are you clinging to the marriage as someone says because you want to be perceived as the winner...personally I think hes a bit like one of those massive bright ugly badly sewn bears that you really hope you dont win.

I think, much as separating is an intense overwhelming pain, its like ripping off a plaster - the pain is immediate but fades. You need to be prepared, if you stay together, to have long term recriminations, mistrust and insecurity - it is by far the more difficult route to take as there will never be an end to it.

[middleeasternpromise]

I do sympathise, it is tremendously difficult to make decisions in the middle of total shock. Then there is the humiliation of it all as its impossible to keep this stuff secret from friends and family (unless you want to lead a life of pretending) and everyone wants to advise you on what to do. Don't rush anything as you need time. FWIW I stayed with my husband after his affair (the OW and him wanted to be together but he said he chose me) the marriage never worked. There were a few years where we told ourselves the affair had brought us closer together but in the long run, he didn't love me enough, the affair was only one side of a very selfish streak. Ironically he was constantly jealous of other men and me despite me never cheating and in the end he just became very controlling and aggressive. I think the guilt of living with his stuff ate away at him. I gave him another 6 years - I don't regret that as I think we would of been back and forth anyway with each other trying to work out if we could make that final break. I don't feel anything for him now its as if I never knew him but for our children there would be absolutely no connection on my part.

[strongandindependent]

Magoria- you have a point there. I don't know if there is a pregnancy, as OW has just called H to say she was pregnant also if she is pregnant, whether it is H's. This does put me in limbo.
I think you are right and I should wait 6 months or so before making a final decision about what to do. This is horrible. I constantly feel sick

Middleeasternpromise- why did you and H split in the end after another 6 years? I want to avoid wasting my life and ends things sooner rather than later but totally understand you when you say you would have gone back and forth trying to work things out.

[mathanxiety]

The problem is now, I overanalyse everything as there is no trust. I need more time to clear my head as I keep going over things again and again. It's a nightmare.

Welcome to the rest of your life if you stay.

It is hard to make the decision/take the actual steps. But that nightmare feeling doesn't go away and if it does go into hiding occasionally, it comes back and ambushes you.

Pregnancy or no, two and a half years is your DD's entire life, and he was certainly not fully engaged with you while you were pregnant. This is not something someone ups and does out of the blue. It takes a lot of rolling downhill before a full blown affair can get off the ground, a lot of disengagement with the first relationship, a lot of telling himself he is entitled to it, a lot of convincing himself the rules don't apply to him, and a lot of arrogance.

You have known about this for a few weeks. In those weeks, what has your H said he will do to work on your relationship? What does he see as his shortcomings? What does he see as reasons he did this?

[strongandindependent]

I am so thankful for all your support through this. It's soul-destroying and I am feeling like there is no hope for any positive future now. It's going to be lose/lose for everyone all round. I feel so negative about everything. DD is the only ray of sunshine in my life but I am so angry that her life has been turned around by his selfish behaviour.

H has said he will do anything to work on relationship (he would though, wouldn't he) and has been doing everything I've asked so far.

Feeling really s### right now.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

What a horrible, horrible man.

What would you say to your DD if she came to you with this 'problem'?

You can and will have a positive future.

[Hissy]

I still think you need him to leave for a while, so that he sees you won't tolerate this, that you are devastated and rightfully angry, so that you get the support you need and that it's no longer a nasty little secret.

He needs to feel the humiliation and pain he caused.

In short, you have to make him jump through hoops. He has to jump through them AND take the initiative to understand why he's betrayed you so terribly for so long, and why he's put you in such a godawful situation.

Has anyone recommended Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends? It's apparently very effective.

[Hissy]

Asking him to leave is not ending it, it's resetting the boundaries, creating a space for you to think and showing him there are consequences.

[Fairenuff]

He says he will do anything to work on the relationship? Great. Now is your time to take control.

Ask him to move out for a few days to give you some time to think. You cannot really listen to your gut instinct when he is there, hanging around, looking sorry for himself, using emotional blackmail.

You need to get your thoughts straight, separate what you want from want you think you will be able to live with.

For example, you might want, with all your heart and soul, to work on staying together and rebuilding the relationship. But, in reality, you might not be able to do that. It might just be impossible to live with.

You deserve some time to yourself. He should respect you enough to give you some space. Ask him to move out and make arrangements for him to still see your dd.

It will give you a taste of life on your own for one thing, it will give you breathing space and time to adjust to all this new information and it does not have to be permanent. You can have him back whenever you want.

He says he will do anything. Ask him to do this one thing for you.

[Hissy]

Atm he's just waiting for you to 'get over it' for the dust to settle and things to carry on as before.

He needs to understand that 'as before' doesn't work for either of you.

He's been cheating on you for almost half your marriage, while you were ttc, and for your dd's entire existence.

The shock of all this hasn't hit you fully yet, and you should never be expected to just 'get over it' you need to process and understand what all of this means, and once you've done this you'll be able work out IF you want to continue with this marriage, and how that relationship will be.

YOU get to set the agenda here. Not him.

[IHateWinter]

I think you should give yourself time to really think and come to terms with whats happened before making any hasty decisions. Perhaps tell Dh to leave so you can have some free space to consider your options.

Marriages can and do survive affairs especially with counselling, and I'm going to disagree with everyone else (from experience) and say two parents are preferable to one - obviously circumstances have to be taken into account, but either decision is equally valid; either stay and try to save the marriage or end it.

Only you know what your marriage and DH is like and weather or not it's worth saving.

Best of luck for the future and sorry you're going through this.