Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[Offred]

Oh and please, that comment about trapping is horrific.

YOUR husband out his penis in her, presumably he understands that he wasn't wearing a condom and that sex can result in pregnancy.

[ohfourfoxache]

You have given it your all darling - 6 years and your dd. I'm sorry to be harsh, I know you won't want to hear this, but he has cheated for nearly half your marriage and all of dd's life.

He isn't going to change.

If you stay together he will cheat again - that is if the current affair doesn't just continue.

At the very least you need some space. Chuck him out, you need time to digest and think.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you xx

[Offred]

I hope the idea she trapped him hasn't come from him because that would make him even more of a total scumbag than he seems already.

[Sasquatch75]

Wow how awful! Truly sorry to hear about your situation op.

It won't be heartbreaking for your dd to grow up without her dad. What will be heartbreaking is the lesson you'll be teaching her if you stay and she finds out the truth later on.

And she won't grow up without him will she? My exh left 5 months ago and now spends more quality time with our DCs than he ever did when he was living here.

I myself am from a single parent family. My parents split when I was 3. I don't feel I missed out not having my dad live with me.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

It sounds too early to make a decision possibly. You must be still taking in what has happened. When did you find out?

Important for you to have space to think about what you want.

I agree that it feels wrong to stay right for DD. You need to do what is right for you.

EXH left when my DC's were teens. That was an awful time for them. IME a split is much harder for older kids. Good to bear in mind that a split at DS's age will be much easier albeit not what you want for her at all. I guess one of the risks of staying together is that you may in the end split when she is older which would be harder.

[strongandindependent]

Your messages are so helpful and just what I needed to hear. Y, I have had a check already (first thing I did) and am fine.

The affair is over and OW did know he was married all along. She has done it before and torn a marriage apart. The man then died suddenly and she fought tooth and nail for a share of his money.

Now I am trying to take a deep breath and make sure I think everything through before deciding what to do next.

[Mellowandfruitful]

He chose to do this. For YEARS. She didn't put a gun to his head.

[uptheanty]

Seems to me that your DH doesn't like to share his toys?

Didn't want to share you when the baby arrived, so got a mistress.

Doesn't want to share the mistress with a new child so hey ho... You win!

Your baby's bigger so probably less sharing.
The chances are he only told you because he knew you'd find out now.

Please don't use your child as an escuse to stay with him.
If you choose to stay be honest enough to because you want to.

Your dd will better off without his disloyalty.

[pomdereplay]

I am not sure how relevant his mistress's past is. He is a grown man. He chose this. For years.

[Bloodyteenagers]

You realise your dd doesn't have an emotionally available father? Since she was born he has been fucking some other woman. What life lesson are you teaching her by staying with him? That's it's ok to be cheated on? That it's ok for her partner to do whatever he wants to her? You really want this for your dd? You think she will never find out, what about when all his other children come knocking on the door?

The other woman didn't trap him into having a child with her. He took the decision to have unprotected sex with someone other than his wife.

He has no respect for you. He has no emotional attachment to you. He fucked another woman for the past 2 and half years, and the only reason you know is because she will come to him for maintenance.

Get yourself to the gps for sti tests. He may be lucky, and just have another child. But you never know.. You also have to ask yourself, who else has he been screwing for the past 6 years.

Tell him to fuck off and file for divorce.. So what if he then shacks up with her.. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU... Sorry to shout and be harsh.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh yeah... she trapped him. Two and a half years is not some accidental shag in the dark, it's a full-on relationship. Some marriages don't last 2.5 years. I think you're deluding yourself at the moment because you're understandably shocked and are thrashing around trying to make sense of it all. Quite normal but give it time and you're really going to dislike him.

[EirikurNoromaour]

2.5 years. 30 months. 129 weeks. That's how long he has been lying to you for. Almost half your marriage. Your daughter's entire life. He must have started this when she was a newborn! How can you contemplate a life with this 'man'?

[Offred]

Stop being so judgemental about the OW. It will prevent you from clearly viewing your husband.

[YouStayClassySanDiego]

What a shit situation he's put you and your dd in.

While you're thinking, remember that he didn't care about you or dd when he was shagging ow.

Has he given a reason why he looked elsewhere, do you think you could ever trust him again?

I couldn't stay with a man who was so callous and uncaring.

Take care.

[Fairenuff]

Your friends know you better than us and, presumably, know a bit about him too and they say you should end it. I think they can see what is coming across here.

He has been living a lie ever since your dd has been born (and possibly before that too)

He had unprotected sex and put you at risk of being infected with an std

These are facts. Anything he tells you about her is just made up his way of taking the focus off him and trying to place more blame on her.

After all, he is a proven liar isn't he. Fact.

Ask him to move out so that you can have some time to think and decide what you want to do.

[MrsSteptoe]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

Be cautious around the idea that he wants nothing to do with the child, and the OW does not want him involved. I am close to another situation at the moment where the OW claimed that she wanted no involvement from the father but has done everything in her power to manipulate him subsequently. You cannot possibly trust what either she or your DH says, not only because they aren't trustworthy but also because feelings change dramatically once the baby arrives.

I think I'd be inclined to assume that the child will be part of your life, and that there will be a second family to which you and your DC are unwillingly yoked. On that basis, decide whether you really want to stay.

[strongandindependent]

Yes I have also considered it would be easier for me and DD to split now than when she is older if/when it happens again. And yes, I am torn as I don't want my DD to grow up thinking I am a doormat. Sadly, I do still care for him and could try to put this behind us but I know I am deluding myself and giving him the wrong message, that this is acceptable behaviour. It's not.

Poor choice of words from me on OW "trapping" him. I meant, she intended to get pregnant and he didn't do anything to stop it. I don't blame her for anything, she could have said no, but ultimately it was my cheating lying DH who betrayed me.

It's scary how you think you know someone, and then they throw it all back in your face.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Children of separated parents do not have broken hearts.

Children who grow up in a household where the parents dont trust one another, cheat, lie, argue - those are the ones who grow up a little bit damanged, and usually with a skewed idea of what a normal relationship is.

I could not stay with a man who had cheated for the entireity of his daughters life. I could not stay with a man I didnt trust. I could not stay with a man who would be so so prepared to cut a child out of his life (as he is doing with his soon to be born dc).

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

Of course he doesn't want to bring the child up.

If you left him and he went to the OW, he'd just sleep with someone else until that child is grown too, or that woman gets pregnant, and do it again.

He spent 2.5 years sleeping with her and lying to you and your daughter. That's all of her life and half of your marriage the he's lied and cheated through.

[Offred]

Oh FFS changing your mind when the baby comes and wanting involvement from it's father is not manipulative.

Mothers who say they don't want involvement are unwise but fathers who say they won't be involved are utter utter scum. It isn't about what the child's parents want, it's about what the child needs and that is usually emotional and financial support from BOTH parents.

Sorry to be so ranty about it but I really wish adults involved in these situations would get over themselves and think about what they are doing to their children.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

I addition, even if neither wnt him involved in the child's life, he is still elidgible for child maintenance payments.

[Bloodyteenagers]

Not everything shows up straight away in blood and swab tests. Some things like hvi can take up to 6 months to show. Gonarrhea and chlamydia can take up to 6 weeks. Hence why after your first test, you then have regular blood tests every 6 or so weeks.

Same with swabs. Not everything shows up straight away.

While he has been fucking god knows who else, the same can be said for them. You don't know who they have been fucking.

[Monetbyhimself]

You cannot trust either of these people. He will tell you as many lies as he needs to. She has probably dumped him possibly because he was too gutless to leave you. And now he's claiming that he will have nothing to do with this child ? He is scum and I really hope that you find the strength to kick him out now, rather than let him lie to and manipulate you any more. And if he runs to her ? Let him. You and your child deserve so much more than this.

[Slippersandacuppa]

Same thing happened to my mum a few years ago and from my experience watching them, I can say it hasn't become any easier on her. The child is a constant reminder of what he did. There's no closure and every time he talks to her about seeing the child, all the old feelings come back. She made the decision to stay with him but still has times when she things she made the wrong decision. Obviously different because she's older than you with older children and I'm not advising you what to do but based on all of that, if it happened to me, I'd be out of there. Clean break instead of dealing with all that crap on a long term basis. That is not what I signed up for. And not the kind of partner worth sharing my life with.

[worsestershiresauce]

I'm so sorry, what a shit thing to do to you. Where you go from here is 100% up to you, so try and think about things from your perspective. People on the internet can give you their opinions, and make sweeping statements about what they would or wouldn't put up with, but at the end of the day they aren't living your life, you are.

The thing about moving on from infidelity is the reality is a lot harder than the idea. It is very hard to regain trust, and even if you do the enormity of what has happened has a way rearing its ugly head again and again, and knocking you over when it does. Adding OW's child into the mix is going to make it that bit harder. Your partner will never be able to close the door on his affair as he will have to stay in contact regarding access and maintenance. You can't write a child out of the equation.

The best thing you can do is live apart, find your feet, and liberate yourself from this. It will feel terrifying, but great. If then you want to start again with him, that is your choice, but do so from a position of strength, don't cling on to him through fear of the unknown.