Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[strongandindependent]

MrsSteptoe - you are wise and I have thought the same. I know our lives will be intertwined now. It's just which side of the fence I want to be on. At present, without him.
I know it's going to be a rocky road ahead but I am not afraid to tackle it.

[MrsSteptoe]

Offred sorry, I didn't explain it terribly well - no, I agree, it's not manipulative to change your mind after having a baby, I used the word because she has been manipulative in other ways, but was trying to keep hte post brief because it isn't particularly interesting to go into the detail of how! But yes, I can see how it reads that way.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

As someone whose warring parents stayed together "for the sake of the children" I would say that's a very unfair burden to place on your child. My parents had whispered vitriolic arguments when we were in bed about the infidelity and how Noble the forgiveness was - how grateful and repentant the "offender" should be. They have NEVER admitted it happened and, although they have gone on to have a long marriage, I don't think I will ever totally get over it.

Personally I wouldn't forgive this, was he having unprotected sex with someone else when you were pregnant - if so he also put the health of your unborn child at risk.

I suspect the OW is trying to force his hand, thinking as they do that she and her child are somehow special. Pregnancy is obviously a trigger for this weak selfish man - cheats on you when pregnant, then doesn't want OW once she is pregnant... not a prize I would want to win

[cece]

This would be too much for me to forgive.

Firstly he has lied for 2 and half years, whilst you were pg and had new born baby.

Secondly, he is disowning his own (new) child and wants nothing to do with it.

Either one of those would be enough for me to lose all respect and trust in him.

I would have to split.

[Fairenuff]

Whether or not he wants to be involved with the child, he will have to support it financially. It's a lot to take in at once OP.

Sorry if I missed it, but when did you find out about this?

[doorbellringer]

Also remember the final charming reminder is that, maintenance will be coming from your family money one way or another.

[Ledkr]

This happened to me but I'd been with him 18 yrs and had four dc.
Initially I threw him out then panicked and tried desperately to convince myself it could work.
I soon realised that the damage was to great and couldn't live with a cheat. I'd always be worried and trying to be perfect to keep him and who wants that?
I decided to cut my losses and make a life for myself.
It was tough at first but better than living half a life and it allowed me to keep my dignity.
That was about ten yrs ago and Ive got a lovely new life.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

You need time OP to get your head around all of this.

When my H had an affair I would have done anything to keep the marriage going. Neither of us came from divorced parents. I would have put the children and marriage first.

In practice he left to live with her.

In hindsight he did me a favour. I would never have trusted him again. That 100% innocent trust I had, had gone. I know now that I would not have been 100% happy with him.

Our children are fine. Once the explosion had passed we just get on with our lives. It is hard - but I think it is easier than it would have been had he stayed.

Can you ask him to rent a room for 6 mths. I know money will be an issue but he is going to have to find mtnce for 18 years at least so you will all have to get use to having less money.

I feel so sad for you. Some men really are awful. X

[Ledkr]

I agree that it's MUCH easier to split up than stay together with all the self doubt and worry that would bring.

[Joysmum]

Could I ever respect and trust a man who had an affair?

Could I ever respect and man who fathers a child and elects to be absent from its life?

Would I want my daughter to grow up in a family model with me accepting this?

It's a no from me!

[strongandindependent]

itwillgetbettersoon - do you think you would have ended things had your H not left? It's tough, no-one in my family has ever divorced. My H's parents did when he was young and look how screwed up he turned out to be.

I need more time to take it all in. I am still in shock, as I only found out a few weeks ago. Not been able to contact a lawyer as it was the festive season so that is on my list for this week.

Has anyone out there stayed with H - and how did it turn out? I know some couples stick it out only to divorce when their children are adults. Seems like a lot of lost opportunities.

[Offred]

Your h hasn't done this because his parents divorced. If that has influenced him at all in this it will be how the breakdown of the relationship was handled.

You can't really be helped by other's experiences in this I think because it isn't an ordinary affair situation.

It is an actual full blown other relationship with a sibling for your dd thrown in.

He will have to be involved in his other child's life in some way. It is highly likely the mother will change her mind when the baby is born and it is not fair on your dd that her parents choose to deny her a relationship with her half sibling in this way not to the new baby who is going to be abandoned.

Don't be tempted to think he won't abandon your dd if he is capable of abandoning this child either.

You just need to think through the various scenarios and how you think your dd and you will feel.

[17leftfeet]

If he has cheated once he will do it again

My cousins husband cheated on her right from the start of her marriage. She found out and forgave him. She then drove herself crazy with suspicion and doubt which he then used to gaslight her. Turned out her suspicions were right as he was cheating on her -for the 5th time

She had a desperately unhappy marriage and ended up splitting with her husband when her ds was 7 -it would have been much easier if they had split when she first found out about the first affair

[Offred]

And apart from anything else what could he possibly do that WOULD end the relationship if having a full blown LTR with someone else that results in a baby and started when your baby was newborn then abandoning said baby is not enough?

[Bloodyteenagers]

Erm, no he didn't screw around because his parents divorced. He messed around because he is a selfish cunt who thought about no one but himself and his own gratification.

Why do you want to stay with this person?
And don't say because of your dd.

[Fairenuff]

OP if you had any say in the matter, would you personally rather he was as fully involved a father as he could be to the new baby, or would you prefer him to have no contact?

[offloadingthisshit]

Personally I don't believe that if someone cheats once they will do it again. If for example, you were having relationship difficulties or he was having problems in some other area of his life, then I can rationalise that a person may temporarily fall into the arms of someone else as the escapist method of dealing with the reality of their life at the time BUT he hasn't done that. He has maintained a relationship with someone for over two years and hasn't just had one reckless moment. It is possible to get over cheating but only if both parties want to and there is transparent disclosure from both sides about what caused the infidelity in the first place. Also, while I don't think people should necessarily walk away from difficult situations, this is something that will affect your life forever because a child is now involved.

You have to ask, would have have even told you about this if he had 'got away with it' and had not conceived a baby with the OW or would he have maintained the secret and, if effect, you would have continued living a lie?

I really think, in this case, you need to put your concerns about your DC to one side and think about what you want, how you imagine your future being and whether you can factor a sibling of your DC being involved in your life forever? Perhaps the best thing to do would be to say everything you have to say on the matter to him, find out what you need to know (his explaination of how and why he started having an affair) and then give yourself some time to think about what you really, really want. Of course, he may decide to invest in the relationship with the other woman if you are not giving him the attention he desires but that would be his choice and would speak volumes. You also may decide that the reality of not being together is not as bad as you feared and may want the relationship to end.

Personally I think your desire to save your marriage is a knee jerk reaction to finding yourself in a situation you did not imagine you would be in and you are trying to hold on to your life as you know it but it will never be the same again. Are you prepared to shape your future around the constant reminder of his betrayal?

[Upnotdown]

No babies here (you must be devestated) but my DP had an 18 month on/off affair. His plan was never to leave, just wanted attention/ego stroking although I don't think OW saw it that way and he didn't discourage her (in case that sounds like your DH, that's why I'm telling you that).

We're 18 months on now - it's been difficult but we're strong. I don't think I could have done it the OW pregnant though...I would have run. Not because I didn't love him, I just couldn't live with it. I don't think I could trust myself to see the child as anything other than a product of his affair and that's horrid.

[PedantMarina]

OP, if by "giving ity my best shot" you're about to embark on the pick me dance, just don't. Don't.

[doasyouwouldbedoneby]

So where is your H just now OP and how has he been behaving/what has he been doing to convince you to stay since discovery of his affair?

Does he know you are undecided on wheither to stay with him or not?
has he shown any remorse?

[shey02]

Hi, so sorry to hear your story, I have nothing to add but empathy and a bit of hand holding. But tonandfeather said something interesting which I have found to be true in my case. That my dc respected me when I left because of something similar, they have strong values and being teenagers often talk about relationships and what they would want, expect or put up with. It's made us all stronger and if I'd stayed I think they'd have learnt a different lesson about life and relationships. It's not easy in the beginning, but my dc have grown strong, resilient and respect themselves and me, couldn't ask for more.

[itwillgetbettersoon]

strong - your question about whether if my h had stayed would I have continued in the marriage. I think a couple of years later we would have split up. I think I would have become depressed, anxious, no confidence and the kids and I would have walked on eggshells to keep him happy.
He did stay for six weeks but made no effort at all. I cried everyday on the way to work, at work and in bed. I felt more lonely than I had ever done before.

I look at him now and think knob. HE has lost so much while the children and I have gained. I have been back packing in Europe with them, we have done so much as my little family.

You will be ok without him. PM if you want to talk.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

I imagine you want to stay together because otherwise you fear this baby will get your dds dad and your dd gets no one.

It won't work.

2 and a half years and unprotected sex? He sounds like a massive twat. Don't do this to yourself or your dd.

[sleeplessbunny]

Think about what sort of role model you are giving DD if you stay with your H. Please, think hard about that. My DM chose to stay with my DF despite finding out about a long-term affair (no kids though) which of course was "over", except it wasn't. She did it for the sake of her kids, but it lead to the most miserable 10 yrs of doubt, mistrust, disappointment and betrayal, all of which me and my brother witnessed growing up. They finally divorced but it really was a huge mess and I still blame my mum somewhat for not having the guts to leave sooner. (Makes me feel guilty though, thinking that). It was horrible and it's no way to bring up kids. It has taken me years to re-develop some respect for my mum, because she showed for many years that she had none for herself.

A man who is capable of lying to you for 2.5 yrs about an affair will continue to lie, I would seriously doubt it is really over, even if he believes it himself right now. And try not to lay the blame on the OW, if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else. Your DH is the one who made the marriage vows.

[InPursuitOfOblivion]

So my Dad did the same to my Mom when I was 11. She tried her best to stick it out for a while but often had moments of insanity like finding other child's toys in his car and setting fire to them. The jealous rows were horrific too - definitely scarred me.
Eventually she kicked him out when she found out the affair was still going on. (She caught the clap) Best thing she could have done for everyone involved.
Very soon she met a new man and my step dad is great. 17 years later I am closer to my Step dad than my real Dad. (Who is on his 5th marriage)
Growing up I saw my 'sisters' when I spent weekends at my Dads but I don't have anything to do with them now.