Just found out DH has been having an affair for 2.5 yrs and OW is pregnant...

[strongandindependent]

We have been married for 6 years and have a DD 2.5. My head tells me to end it and move on but my heart says this is not the right thing to do for our DD and to try to make things work. He says he wants to be with us still, but the trust is gone and I fear he will cheat again. Friends say I should end it now but I don't want to call it a day without giving it my all. Please help.

[crabwoman]

I'm terribly sorry to hear this has happened. How awful for you.

I don't have much to add to the above posts other that something my mother told me a few years ago. My grandfather had multiple affairs whilst my mum was growing up, and it really disrupted her childhood. Big life decisions were made based on who he was with, who he fallen out with and my grandma was always on a heightened state of alert.

Whilst my mother and my grandmother have a fabulous relationship now, she has told me she will never, ever be able to forgive her mother for not leaving her father sooner.
Her and her brothers relationship with her father is now one of duty rather than affection. They did not divorce until the children had left home.

[InPursuitOfOblivion]

I should probably point out that my Dad did exactly the same to the OW further down the line.
She and DM now have a laugh over the whole thing along with a 3rd woman (I also have a half brother ) it's like the ex wives club.

[1983mummy]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

From my own personal experience when you uncover an affair you go one of two ways; the wanting to stay together, the get that fucker out of my life. Like you I wanted to believe that my ex had made an awful mistake and struggled to adapt to parenthood (my dd was 2 months when his affair started)

I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was sorry and wanted me but he could break it off with her. I found that out myself as I struggled to trust him and my instinct was right.

My lack of trust in him messed me up as he would say I was imagining things. He couldn't say that when I hacked into his phone account and email account!

Anyway it's been nearly a year and in that time I forced myself to go cold turkey with contact and that space and freedom has cleared my mind.

When you start a new relationship the other person has a blank slate and you go in with a certain level of trust, no matter how much space I've had from my husband and what we've both learnt he'll never have that innocence and clean slate.

I know I deserve more and that happiness isn't just happiness as a family unto, but happiness as me as an individual/woman. It's grasping and believing in it where I face hurdles.

I'd really suggest counselling as it worked wonders for me.

Big hugs - it's an awful thing to go through.

[HissyNewYear]

He needs to go for a while.

Your terms. Open ended.

He needs to see the consequences of his actions.

If you stick by him now, there'll be no consequences, and by you clinging to him will inspire only more contempt than he's shown already.

You have to show him that you're strong, won't tolerate cheating and that if he wants to be in your life he has to make good the damage he's done, taking responsibility for his actions.

[shoom]

It sounds like he wants to be the centre of attention. Your pregnancy and new baby resulted in him enjoying being with another woman. So he has continued that, and for the last couple of years has told her by his actions and probably his words that he'd rather spend time with her than with you and your child. You're awful, don't understand him, etc etc. She is now pregnant and the roles have changed. He's not getting stress-free fun with her. She's having difficult conversations with him. This isn't right! Who does she think she is ? So she realises that he won't leave his wife for her and a newborn. He didn't want that with his wife, wanted fun! So she's realised and told him he's no use, or he bailed because he doesn't want the responsibility. She certainly knows more of the truth than you do. But neither version is acceptable to your child.

He wants to feed you a palatable version of the truth. However he speaks about her,for the last 2 years he spoke about you to her in just as pleasant words.

He is no prize.

It doesn't matter if the OW wants him or not. Don't let any ideas you have about her affect your judgement.

He has not been a good father or husband.

If you don't split quickly (6m is often quoted here) you're seen to have accepted it in terms of using it as grounds in a later divorce.

If you knew this would happen, would you have married him? Every day is a choice to remain married or not, with the information you now have.

Get him to leave so you can think. Talk to your friends.

Good luck.

[whattoWHO]

Break it down into all the individual 'misdemeanors' (for want of a better word).

He's lied about his whereabouts
He's spent family money on her
Hes put your sexual health at risk
He's discarded his unborn child
He's not given as much time and energy to you and your DC
He's been thinking about someone else while with you.
Etc.

Decide whether you can forgive each of these.

[sleeplessbunny]

shoom speaks sense. If the OW wasn't pregnant, the affair would be continuing and you would be none the wiser. He is not ending it because he has had some crisis of conscience and suddenly wants to do the right thing. He is ending it because it doesn't suit him any more.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

OP I had a friend at school who's parents stayed together for the kids. She wished they would split up and actively hated her mother for it.

I know someone else who's parents stayed together for years and split up when she grew up and moved out. She knew that it was going to happen. It's an awful pressure to put on your child.

'But we stayed together for you'. I'm not sure why you would put that guilt on to your child. I don't think it's a great example to set either.

You need to think about yourself. It wasn't just a fling (not that it would be acceptable if it was), it was 2.5 years, the whole of your DDs life. And I agree, if she hadn't had got pregnant, would you even know? Would it still be carrying on?

I think not wanting to have anything to do with the child is terrible. Not only has he been shagging someone else for two years (not his fault of course....) when it doesn't go to plan he walks away. Excellent! What a lovely man.

He isn't a competition. He certainly isn't a prize.

[Laquitar]

I don't understand.

How do you know all this information about her? Do you have matual friends?

If the information is coming from him just remember that he is not the most honest person in the world.

If you really want to stay at least speak to the other woman and hesr her side of the story. She might have interesting things to tell you.
Sorry i know this is hard to hear but i wouldnt believe a word from him.
And what if she tries to give it her best too? Are you to going to compete for him??
Are the children going to compete too?!

[Laquitar]

Do you work?

Do you own or rent?

[MarmiteNotVegemite]

I know some couples stick it out only to divorce when their children are adults. Seems like a lot of lost opportunities

My parents. Divorce would have been bloody, and my father would have been extremely difficult about the money. We'd have had a very big change in our lives (but there were 6 of us from 4 to 16). But I think it might have been better than the living martyrdom mindset that my mother got into, the emotional fuckwittedness & ignorance that my father practised. I was 30 when they finally divorced, and you know, it's not necessarily "easy" as a child even when you're an adult.

Maybe its a bit like the difference between peeling off a band-aid slowly or in one swift rip?

But female martyrdom is not a great model for a daughter. really its not.

[feelingvunerable]

How awful for you op.


Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is what is best for you.

I agree that he has only come clean because either he would have to pay maintenance or the csa will be knocking at your door and he cannot escape from that.

If she hadn't got pregnant do you deriously think he would have ended it?

Has he ended it, or has the ow ended it, after maybe forcing his hand to leave you and commit to her?

Will he cheat again when times get a bit rough at home?

Will you forever be towing the line he sets to try and prevent him from straying?

Only you can decide what is right and you don't have to do it right now.

Please seek legal advice and possibly therapy, alone. Don't go with you H, he will lie so there really isn't any point.

Another thought, were you considering having any more dcs? I ask because I would guarantee he will cheat again if you do.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, I'm very sorry that this has happened.

I wonder though if you have the full picture here? You say that:

• Your husband ended the affair. How do you know that?
  
• OW doesn't want your husband in her life. Who says that?
  
• Your husband doesn't want to be with OW. Well he would say that, wouldn't he? Do you know it to be true?
  
• Did he want to father another child but with OW? 2.5 years... presumably he made a decision to stop contraception - or she did? Either way, both of them decided on this baby.
  
  What I'm asking is whether you have been given this information by your self-confessed liar of a husband? He's quite good at deceit, isn't he? 2.5 years? Did anybody else in your circle know about the affair? I ask because you need support from everybody.
  
  You need to put your exit strategy in place; your husband needs to have a relationship with his daughter, he doesn't need to make you suffer having one with him.
  
  I know that I wouldn't be able to get past this; it's not the pregnancy as such, although that would be devastating, but it's the fact that he's been living a half-life with you. You deserve better and your daughter deserves a contented mother and a father who will finally put her needs first.
  
  Really, I'm very, very sorry for you, it's a horrible situation and you need some time to come to terms with it. Is it very recent or has some time elapsed since discovery?

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

I'm not going to talk about your DH, but I do want you to think about how you will manage being with someone when they have access to their other child.

Being a step parent is tricky enough, even when you have a good relationship between you and their mother. When the child is the product of an affair and you have to deal with the OW on a regular basis, its going to be very hard indeed. Differences in parenting, constant contact, tales going back to the other house about what happens in yours. Having the possibility that the child will resent you and also your DD.

Its a minefield, and having been through the younger years with a DSD (all grown up now), there is no way in a million years I would voluntarily put myself in the position of doing it with a child that my DH had created during an affair.

Leave him. Set up a life for you and your DD where he has contact and be free from someone who has lied to you for half of your married life and is going to bring a whole heap of trouble onto your doorstep if you don't. You deserve better and you deserve happiness. I don't see how you will get that if you stay.

[ThisIsMyRealChristmasName]

Sorry this has happened to you.

I'm sorry, but i don't think i could forgive an affair that went on so long. I don't think it's impossible to move on from cheating (Disclaimer: It has never happened to me so i can't pretend to be an expert. But i don't think it's always a case f LTB) but 2.5 years is not just a mistake. It's a huge, well thought out deception. And it has been going on since your DD was born. You may be concerned about keeping your family together but her clearly isn't :(

TBH it would also bother me that he says he doesn't want contact with his new child. Gives you more evedince of his attitude to being a father really.

How did you find out? Was it at a point that he had no choice but to tell the truth?

[CCTVmum]

I would want to meet OW tbh to ask how affair started (was it when he said or longer?) and stopped to make sure it is over and what she want of your DH now...ie just CSA, contact or happy family!

He could be lying to both of you and tbh I would not be suprised! She may well tell you a completely different story and it may not be OW who is lying!

Remember your DD will always love her DF. What your DD doesnt want is an unhappy family life! You can be seperated and still both give 100%!

I agree with others this was not a drunken one night stand, it was a full blown relationship! It still hasnt sunk in and when the poor dc is born this is when it might hit home!

I think it has not sunk in OP and I hope you get as much RL support and counselling as you can when it does and good you are getting legal advice asap. Worrying what she did in last relationship, you need to protect your DD entitlement too!

[strongandindependent]

To those who asked how I know things about her, she emailed me some details (without me contacting her) as she probably thought H would lie. The affair was on and off as she was engaged to someone else.

I take everything I've been told with a pinch of salt but I agree, I don't think the magnitude of it all has sunk it yet. It's a horrible feeling thinking that the last few years have all been a lie.

Tell me there are good men out there as currently I think they're all lying cheating sods!

[jamtoast12]

So sorry this has happened to you :( so awful

If this was a one off where the girl got pregnant, I'd possibly consider staying but for 2.5 years I'm sorry but your dh doesn't love you :( How can he? You love him and couldn't consider doing something like that but he did. For years! He has no respect for you or your family. It would seem he is choosing the easier situation as babies are hard work and he is unlikely to want to be alone.

Sorry to be so negative but to even doubt leaving him suggests you are not seeing the true reality of what he has done :(

[jamtoast12]

Sorry my post sound so negative :( hope you have family support

[strongandindependent]

he didn't know she was pregnant when he finished it and told me about it. he genuinely seemed shocked when she called him so i suspect he is not lying in this instance. the problem is now, i overanalyse everything as there is no trust.

i need more time to clear my head as i keep going over things again and again. it's a nightmare.

[strongandindependent]

can anyone PM details of a good divorce lawyer in central london please? i would like to get myself prepared.

[Ullapull]

"the problem is now, i overanalyse everything as there is no trust."

This is not a problem, this is your body and brain telling you to get out of the relationship! He has cheated on you since those tiring newborn days. Not just a kiss at an office party, but a full blown relationship with unprotected sex (putting your health at risk, risking pregnancy for her). He wants two women, kids all over the place, leave him now. Your daughter will know in future not to stay in a relationship without trust and respect, if you stay she will learn about relationships from you and it won't be a good role model.

[Fairenuff]

You do need time. And you need space. Where is he now, are you trying to live together at the moment? If so, that is very hard for you. The least he could do would be to take that stress away from you and move out for a few days. Could he go to family?

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Offred it's only natural she doesn't feel all warm and fluffy towards OW but obviously knows her husband is ultimately who she needs to hold accountable.

I would assume from OWs previous relationship that your husband will be financially supporting this child - money going of your family pot every month - could you live with that? Personally that would fester too much for me to deal with long term.

Also to consider do you want more children? He isn't then man to do that with "parenting" OBVIOUSLY isn't his thing - im pretty sure that had the woman not become pregnant you would still be in the dark and he wouldn't be so committed to making thing things work.

I do feel for you having to make this decision but personally having another child is the one thing I know I Definately couldn't forgive... No matter how much I loved someone.

[stickysausages]

So sorry you're going through this