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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help.

217 replies

MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 01:24

Long story short - Gut feeling my DH is cheating/hiding things. All the usual signs. He's had a lot to drink tonight, and when he has, an earthquake won't wake him.

Do I check his phone when he's fast asleep or not? I am 90% sure I will find some very painful stuff on there.

Am 35 weeks preg with DC3. H and I have our second appt with Relate in a week or so. Relate was his idea. He swears blind there's nobody else.

I don't believe him.

If I look, and find something, I will lose the 'upper hand' if you like, because he'll be more focused on me snooping his stuff.

TIA

OP posts:
rhondajean · 04/11/2012 01:27

Do you need to know? Will it change what you do? If so look. If he is cheating, he has no moral high ground to stand on.

I'm here for a bit to hand hold.

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 01:38

Thanks RJ.

I don't know if it will change what I do. I CANNOT bear the thought of being without him. He's the love of my life and I still adore him. It will break my heart in two if I do find anything, but can't live like this anymore. He's my soulmate and my hero. I am still as in love as I was, but I don't think he is SadSadSadSad

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 01:42

I had a thread a month or so ago about my anxiety and paranoia.

I can't tell if it's my hormones or if, as suggested, I have AND, but SOMETHING has changed.

I just want my amazing husband back.

I sound like such a needy idiot, but there really is nobody like him and I've never stopped feeling that way.

He's definitely hiding things though.

If I find something on his phone it will break me, and he will leave me for good because of distrust.

I have told him that I could forgive him if it was a mistake/not serious. But he swears there is nothing.

I'm going crazy.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 04/11/2012 01:44

I'm probably going to talk shite here.

Things change and life changes. Good people so bad things.
I don't rush to condemn.

I think you need to look because you need to know. Knowing may be the start if rebuilding for you. I realise I am not finding the right words, and I know you are scared, but if you don't know what you are up against, you can't deal with it.

Or do you not want to know? Either is ok. It's up to you. Just don't base a decision on him thinking less of you. If its nothing you keep quiet, if its something you can deal with it.

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 01:45

I can't get the words right but if he is up to something he can't leave you for mistrust? Am I making any sense?

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 01:53

What has happened to make you not trust him?

If you check his phone and find proof of him cheating then he would find any way to blame you for it and probably would shout at you for checking on him, but that doesn't change the fact that he did something wrong (if thats the case)

I would be reluctant to check his phone actually, if you do it and find nothing it won't make you feel better, you will just think he deleted things, then whats the next step in checking on him?

Its hard to say for sure what you should do without knowing the reasons tbh.

Seenenoughtoknow · 04/11/2012 01:57

You need to know, so look while you have the chance. It doesn't have to be over if he is cheating...but you have to STOP it...which you can't do unless you know it's going on.

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 02:03

I'm frightened to lose him Sad

What if he is, and he leaves us for her? Sad

Reasons are: he's distant now, lies about silly things, drinking too much all of a sudden, surgically attatched to his iPhone, phone ALWAYS on silent, doesn't really seem happy.

Then again: doesn't go out for long periods, only to work or the gym. Always back when he says he will be. Sex life still great, he's never lost interest there. He's "no spare cash and no time to have this 'affair' that I am accusing him of.

Unless it was a person from work (99% male) or someone who lived down the road, I don't see how he'd do it.

But I still think he is.

Is it me, like he says? Crazy and hormonal, basically?

OP posts:
Seenenoughtoknow · 04/11/2012 02:07

Don't tell him you've looked, but make a plan around what you find (if anything). If you find nothing, then see if things improve after baby is born.

happyAvocado · 04/11/2012 02:07

make him loose his phone?

then within 24/48 hours you will have prove he is or isn't

missymoomoomee · 04/11/2012 02:07

If he is cheating on you then he doesn't deserve you anyway. IF he was cheating why would he have all the options?

The phone thing is a bit of a worry, the rest of it could be symptomatic of being unhappy with you being so needy towards him. Men who are having affairs/planning to leave their wives don't suggest going to relate ime.

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 02:10

I have my phone always on silent and always in my hand. I'm mning.

But I'm not unhappy and I don't make dh feel like you diZ

I've read threads here where they talk about gaslighting which I think is making someone think they are losing the plot for accusing you of something. Of every thread I have read where someone suspected cheating, but every situation is different. Relationships change over time. Only you know x

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 02:11

Sorry if every thread only one I read was wrongly suspicious.

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 03:39

he's fucking my friend and has been for weeks

he's gone, to his friends

I want to die

OP posts:
comethasmybrokentelly · 04/11/2012 03:44

Are you sure?

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 03:45

Oh JESUS fucking Christ I amso sorry I really am I am here you will be fine I promise.
Even though it doesn't seem like it.

I am here. Talk if it helps. They are both utter bastards and she was never your friend. I have no words but I am here.

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 03:50

positive

seen the graphic text messages and pictures

she lives opposite the gym

sex for weeks and declarations of love

OP posts:
comethasmybrokentelly · 04/11/2012 03:51

Does he know you know? Does she ?

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 04/11/2012 03:59

she looks after our children and vice versa

our kids are in the same class eldest and youngest

i see her twice a day

she has been taking my kids to school because ive been ill

she had me and the kids over for a party on thurday day

OP posts:
rhondajean · 04/11/2012 04:08

I have no idea what to say. I will be here tomorrow. Please try to sleep if you can. All I can say us that your instincts are working well.

I will be back. Be strong xx

trumpton · 04/11/2012 04:09

Oh shit . So sorry for you . Can't add anything constructive . Just didn't want to read and ignore your pain . You must be hurting twice over for the double betrayal .

ellargh · 04/11/2012 04:16

I am so sorry. Your husband is a shit & your friend is a bigger shit. I honestly have no advice for you but for you to tell yourself and know you are better than this. I am here with the others for anything you need.

lottie63 · 04/11/2012 04:49

I m so sorry to hear this. You must be desperately hurt. Have you got someone who can be there for you in RL?

needsomeperspective · 04/11/2012 05:24

So sorry you've had to find this out especially when you are so vulnerable. Your husband is an utter piece of dog crap and your so called friend is worse. Pure poison. What kind of bitch could do that to a pregnant friend and look her in the eye on a daily basis.

Please call someone in real life, parents, siblings, friends. You will be amazed at how everyone who loves you will rally round. You are not alone.

AgathaFusty · 04/11/2012 05:33

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

What an absolute pair of lowlife shits.

Is there anyone you can call to come over to you?