Help.

[MummyIsMagic79]

Long story short - Gut feeling my DH is cheating/hiding things. All the usual signs. He's had a lot to drink tonight, and when he has, an earthquake won't wake him.

Do I check his phone when he's fast asleep or not? I am 90% sure I will find some very painful stuff on there.

Am 35 weeks preg with DC3. H and I have our second appt with Relate in a week or so. Relate was his idea. He swears blind there's nobody else.

I don't believe him.

If I look, and find something, I will lose the 'upper hand' if you like, because he'll be more focused on me snooping his stuff.

TIA

oh Mummy I'm so sorry. YOur instincts have been right. I'm so sorry. do you have anyone you can call? if not, we're here ((hug))

i dont know what to do

my friend was here, she just left.

he has gone to his friends house, i spoke to him on the phone. he was upset and says he wants me.

but on the messages he said he loved her

and i have just spoken to her and she says, when i asked if they were in love, that ''it feels like it, yes''.

I just want him here.

my friend has gone to his mates to bring him back here.

dunno if thats a good thing or a bad thing.

i asked her how she saw things ending or coming to a head. she said she was going to tell him this week that they needed to 'wait until they both knew what they were going to do'. i asked her to clarify and she said that they needed to decide where their marriages were going before they made any decisions.

I am numb. my beautiful dc's will be up soon.

OW is with her friends, he is with his friend, i am aone, pregnant and with 2 children to hold it together for.

my life has ended.

he told her 'i love you xx' and 'i want you forever'

he isnt going to come back is he? he's going to choose her.

:( :( :( :( :(

I'm so sorry for your situation they sound like they deserve each other.

:( so sorry, is there anyone you can speak to a good friend or relative? Stay strong

Mummy my heart bleeds for you. So sorry that pair of twats have done this to you. You must get all the support you can now. Can you and the dc take yourselves off to family or friends for a bit? Please take care and we are all here for you xx

If you act like a doormat then he probably will!!!

Please please read this and take it to heart. The single best and probably only way you are going to get your marriage back (if you even want to) is by immediately putting your foot down, showing fury, outrage and strength. Throw him out. State calmly and with utter finality that you do not wish to look at him, speak to him or deal with him at the present time. That you need to put yourself and the baby and your other children first. That he is not welcome in your home and is not to contact you for any reason. That you will contact him to discuss practicalities as and when you deem it fit. Then cut him off. And also DO NOT contact your so called friend for any reason.

This is the only way you can take control back and shock him into a realization of what he has done. Tell his parents, friends and family the situation and request their assistance with the children and practical support. It is likely when this is brought to light as the tawdry sickening betrayal is it the gloss will very rapidly go off this new "love story".

Within a few days he will very swiftly be faced with the horrible reality of what he has done and will likely become terrified that he is going to lose everything. This is the point where they usually come creeping back trying to ensnare you. And YOU get to set the ground rules for any attempt at reconciliation.

Of course by that point you may have decided you're better off without this lying cheating bastard in your life.

Do NOT please under any circumstances beg, sob, attempt to get him to come home, leave the OW or cover up the affair for him. This is the guaranteed way to make him pity you and see you as pathetic and totally undesirable. He is not the "best friend" you thought you had right now. You can't awaken his love again by bringing up happy memories. You can't cry him into wanting you back. Your only hope is to be strong and throw him as far out of your life as you can. Then he MIGHT just wake up.

Please think about what I've said.

If I had taken that advice my life may have been very different. And at least I wouldn't have the lasting regret and humiliation of begging pleading and being treated like shit for 2 years while he faffed and tried to decide if I was worthy of his magnificence.

I don't usually comment on threads but your pain shows through every word, and I felt compelled to add support. This is not his decision to make - it's yours. He doesn't get to 'choose' you do.

I am so very sorry - but you will make it through this.

BriLliant advice from needsome. Be strong as hard as it is. Do you have any family or friends to call?

Please listen to what needsome perspective is saying.

You need to take control of this situation.

He is an utter twat.

Oh mummy I'm so sorry for your pain. Please please please follow the advice of perspective.
If you do want him back, which at the moment I'm sure you do, or at least want to have the choice rather than him deciding your future, you need to act strong from today.
Pack a bag of his stuff and leave it for him at the door. Do not let him back in the house, do not cry or beg. Call your closest friend/ relative and get them over to you NOW! Where are you? I'd come if I could.....
Remember this if you can. You are not at fault. He has lied, tried to make you think you were imagining things, blamed your pregnancy hormones all of which is emotional abuse.
You have now found out that you were right. You have done NOTHING wrong so hold your head up high and kick him out he does not deserve you or the children.

Even if you don't feel it ACT it and watch over the next few days as panic sets in.
Be strong and post on here. Sending you virtual hugs and a [tea]

So sorry you are going through this, what utter bastards.

You need to be strong and put yourself and the kids first. Not him. If he returns to the house, have a good friend or relative there. Or even one of us. Don't do this alone.

I'm so sorry. and big hugs.

totally agree with need some perspective.although it is the last thing you want, it is the only thing that may get you what you ultimately want.if you beg or engage, they will carry on like Romeo and Juliet.if you disengage and take support and focus on impending birth then he will be left to face the fall out and his loss.amazed she dare say that to you! bless you, thinking of you

needsome's advice is spot on.

Gather your real life support now.

Don't beg or plead. Presume he is gone forever.

And cease all contact with the stupid bitch who conspired with him to do this to you. There is no reason to ever speak to her again.

What a pair of low life bastards. Absolutely lowest of the low.
Do not beg him to come home. Even if you want to. Don't do it. Show as little emotion as possible.

I can't believe they have done this to their kids (as well as OP). The kids will be mortified if this comes out at school.

What an awful night! OP, you are the one worth having here - the man you idolised has shown that he has feet of clay. Your shock, pain, hurt, confusion won't help you find your way here, so as others have said above, the mask has to go on and it's act, act, act. I know (from my own experience) that you will find it almost impossible to throw this man out, because you still love him - but you have to remember that he is not the man you loved, and do it!! He had no right to do what he did and actions have consequences. Find people who listen & give good advice & kep you on track - on MN and in RL - and talk to them as much as you need to. Find the strengh you need for you & your DCs.

What a dick. I am so sorry for you. You may love him and he may still love you but he doesn't deserve you and has treated you, your children and your life with no respect. I know it's hard but really have a think about whether you want to be with someone who can treat you this way - it's not an easy life to lead and you really don't deserve to be treated this way.

I can only agree with the hot advice It's not his choice if he comes back. It's yours.

Make him realise what his behaviour may cost him. Then you'll know if he should be allowed back. What will he do to make amends.

Being alone may seem terrible right now but being with someone you cannot trust is far far worse.

People will rally around if alone. They won't if you are together and you will be even more alone unable to talk

So sorry for you. How horrid.

Brilliant advice from needsomeperspective. Please follow her advice and take control of the situation. You will need to be brave but you can do it.

x

A year ago I was going through exactly the same. Junky difference was that I didn't know ow but they worked together.

I begged and pleaded exh to come home. Pointed out all the reasons why he should be with us and not her, tried to excuse his horrible behaviour, made myself into the woman I thought he wanted me to be, was nice to him all the time despite what he did to us. He came back after 6 weeks and then left again 5 weeks after dd was born. He left me as a wreck. Physically and emotionally. It has taken a long long time for me to build myself up but I am getting there. He has proved time and time again that he is a horrible person.

I am telling you this because I would hate for someone else to go through what I did. You are worth more than him and the situation he has put you in. Please do not beg him to come home, instead I've him enough rope to hang himself. Let him go. A marriage can never be rebuilt after e has done this to you at your most vulnerable time. You and your children needed him, he knew that but he still chose to stray. If you beg and plead and change yourself to be what you think he want then the power in your relationship shifts completely over to him. He isn't capable of dealing with that and will manipulate you an your emotions.

My heart is crying for you. It is awful. Please continue to eat and look after yourself and your children. For now surround yourself with people and get as much help as possible. Feel free to pm i woul be more than happy to help you in any way. Take care xxxxxxx

Needsome, what a fantastic post. Just says it all for the woman who's just found out her DH is cheating & lying to her about it. I too did the 'carry on loving him & hope he'll see sense' thing for a few months, in effect giving him time to consolidate his relationship with OW, before I found the strength & anger to kick him out.

and the only reason he has been getting drunk is he cannot stand to continuously face himself, which he would have to if he were sober.just underlines the reason that it is so important to disengage and let his bubble of new romance burst, then he will see his situation a lot more clearly

Jesus.

What an absolute SHIT situation to be in.

OP, I have no words of advice, I feel sick for you but needsome has some brilliant words for you. I truly believe you have to let them go and what will be will be.

As much of a twat as he is, you could probably guilt him in to coming back for a whole but would you want that? And for how long?

I can't get my head around how low they've been, especially as she seemed to be a good friend so he can't lie about you being pregnant etc.

How long has this been going on? Is she married etc?

A massive hug to you OP, your pain is so visible I could cry for you.

If you are all upset and distraught and beggy they will pity you together.

They will wallow in their fake, self-indulgent guilt about the pain they knew their undeniable "love" would cause.

You already know something useful - she was trying to get him to leave you, but was taking some convincing.

That's what it means when she says she wanted them to step back until they had decided what to do - she was playing hard to get so he would end his marriage. But you know that his marriage was still sexual and (other than his lying and affair), proceeding as normal.

What will cause the greatest difficulty to him, and their relationship, is you acting as though the decision has been made for him.

He wasn't expecting to be kicked out of his home, away from his children and pregnant wife right now. That will hurt him, and by extension them.

Get your friends and family around. You are a heavily pregnant woman whose husband was shagging a family friend. EVERYONE will be on your side.

They have just made pariahs of themselves overnight. Use that.

Be strong. Be distant. Use people who really love you as your support.

And arrange another birth partner.

agree with a thing....of you act like the decision had been made for him he will end up resenting her.she sounds incredibly conceited...am sure she was not aware you still had a good sex life!