Help.

[MummyIsMagic79]

Long story short - Gut feeling my DH is cheating/hiding things. All the usual signs. He's had a lot to drink tonight, and when he has, an earthquake won't wake him.

Do I check his phone when he's fast asleep or not? I am 90% sure I will find some very painful stuff on there.

Am 35 weeks preg with DC3. H and I have our second appt with Relate in a week or so. Relate was his idea. He swears blind there's nobody else.

I don't believe him.

If I look, and find something, I will lose the 'upper hand' if you like, because he'll be more focused on me snooping his stuff.

TIA

I don't know wether to go and see our family priest too. Please don't mock me.

I don't think someone who's taken a vow of celibacy and cannot have a sexual relationship is ever the best adviser in these circumstances. However if you need some kind of permission from the church to consider divorce and your priest's understanding is important to you, by all means tell him. Do resist any pressure to stay together though, because that would be morally wrong.

Honest question OP - what do you think you might get out of a discussion with your priest?

Why would anyone mock you? Whatever gets you through...

How long were they seeing each other for? I don't know how couples survive a long-term affair. Actually I'd struggle to forgive a one-night stand.

Yes, poor children having to miss school or change schools because of their mother's dreadful behaviour

Op both haircut and priest sound like a good idea. The priest thing isn't for me (although one of my best friends is a priest, but I would consider it visiting a friend iyswim)but if its what you want, go for it.

We are RC and our priest is like a friend. He married us and baptised our children. Maybe I am clutching at straws.

If seeing your family priest could give you some comfort or some clarity, then do it. You need someone to offload to. If that person is a priest that you trust and respect then so be it.

You are not clutching at straws. A priest doesn't have to 'ok' your divorce or have to be having sex to help.
Its difficult for people who don't see their priest as a source of comfort to understand.

he will probably just listen and support you.

If you like him and trust him and it feels right then go for it

Is he a good enough friend to depart from the church's party line?

Do you know him well enough to know where he stands on this issue and the sexual politics around it?

If he believes that men have urges and that women should forgive them for the sake of keeping families together, he's not going to be of much help- much as receiving that message right now might be comforting to you, because it's pretty obvious that's what you want to do and I don't blame you for it right now because you're in shock and just want this nightmare to go away.

Or is he someone who will ask you questions, offer no advice and support you what ever decision you come to? If so, he could be a good friend and give you spiritual help at a time of terrible crisis.

Do you think you could stand to be as forgiving as her DH? He sounds like a lovely man, someone it doesn't sound like she deserves.

Do what is in your heart honey but make it damn clear to him that you are the one making the decisions and if you allow him to come back it will be your decisison and no amount of begging and pleading will change anything. Maybe make him go and stay with his parents for a few days so you can go and see your preist and have a think about what you really want and although it seems that you want him back you have to put your big girl pants on and tell him how it will be from now on. Show him you are strong and if this ever happens again you will be strong enough to kick him out or I fear that this will not be an isolated incident.

Good luck.

dippy with the typos here..apologies for the cut tits image! I have been sniggering at my typo slightly uncontrollably since pointed out!
cutting ties, however, could just give him a bit more to crap himself about..no bad thing, cruel to be kind to yourself maybe x

dippy it made my chuckle. Ilcutting ties was totally appropriate.

OP you are doing so fantastic you know. It would have been easy as hell, to shut the door and curl in a ball, you haven't, you're taking your kids to school,(in full make up,something I never manage!!)and going about your business.

It's excellent that he is having to tell the family what he has done, this is the least he deserves.

Keep doing the best for yourself and your kids, you are going to be just fine, what ever happens.

Very sorry to read this thread. If you want to save your marriage, you have a long road ahead of you and so does your H. You need to consider if you will be able to trust him ever again.

Life on your own will be hard, but life with a man who doesn't respect you and who cheats on you, will be much harder.

People do save marriages after affairs but BOTH of you have to be 100% committed...

Good luck.

he told my parents. He said it was the worst thing he has ever had to do. They were remarkably calm with him, apparently. My Mum rang me later, very upset. My dad is the quiet type, but wasn't happy. Although he gave him a hug as he left and said he still thinks of him as a son, and he hopes we sort things out.

I have no idea what's happening.

H came here last night and we had another hard and awful talk. Not sure if they are helping.

OW still not showing up to school runs. Her youngest isn't going to preschool, but her eldest is being dropped off by relatives. I know this because she sits opposite my DS in class. I haven't been doing school runs for weeks as am on advised bedrest until baby arrives, but there is no way I am going to let her see me hide away. I felt like not going today and asking my friend to take them, but I know the day I do that, is the day she show's up. Fuck that.

Have my appt at the sexual health clinic today. Ugh, it's at 1pm. DD being looked after by a friend.

Tomorrow is Relate appt. Dreading it.

Will having a sexual health check when am 36 weeks preg be flagged up anywhere? Will my baby be listed as 'at risk', or noted by a SW/HV? :(

He's an arsehole. I wish I could turn on a switch and hate him.

What a mess.

Oh love, I wish you could flip that switch and hate him too. He deserves nothing less.

No, I would be very surprised if you were flagged up because of this, you have done NOTHING wrong, many a bastard before has put his partner in this awful situation.

So, you are going to relate, hopefully this will help you clear your head, I can't help feeeling it's all a bit much too soon though, there's been no let up for you since this happened has there?

Your head must be buzzing, please take care of yourself.

sending strength and courage your way

I don't know if he is coming with me to Relate. I've no idea if I want him there. I've no babysitter if he does, anyway.

There has been no let up, you're right.

I have never had to do this before, so no idea of the 'rules' or how to proceed.

V glad of this support though.

Can't believe what's happening to you, what a terrible situation.

Can I just say that, although what he has done is horrendous (understatement), I do know a couple who have come back from this situation.

You have children together and a new baby coming, you love him, you had a happy marriage until this episode. You need to get help and try to fix this together.

Forgiveness is an important thing. If you think you can forgive and move on with him, you should not feel like a doormat.

This is your marriage and your life. Take advice from people, speak to your priest if you feel you want to. But, ultimately, you hold the cards and it is your decision. Look after yourself and surround yourself with people you love and trust.

Don't rush into anything but do maintain contact with him, even if just for the sake of the kids.

Thinking of you.

I'm really glad he's not coming to relate with you. You need to talk about you how you feel, not have a pity party with him feeling sorry for his self.
Yes, you need to maintain contact with him for the kids, but I would honestly advise some time out, maybe til the weekend? this is still so raw for you , and being bombarded with him and hjis feelings all the time is just scrambling your head.

I honestly don't know how people come back from a betrayal like this, but before that can even be considered he needs to know exactly what he's done, risked and has to lose.

Keep talking, we are all here for you, and best of luck at the clinic, could smack him in the chops for making you have to do this :(

sending best wishes
you're doing really well

Goodness me poor you. What an absolute arse he and your "friend" is.

"Although he gave him a hug as he left and said he still thinks of him as a son, and he hopes we sort things out."

Way to be on your betrayed daugters's side, Dad

He should be hoping you manage to put your life back together in whatever way makes you happiest after this bastard tore it asunder on you

Not just hoping you put up and shut up so he doesn't have to adjust to a new situation

That is really shitty.

And hold on a cotton picking minute - telling your parents was the worst thing he's ever had to do?

Worse than telling you he loved another woman?

Worse than fucking off to his friend's house when you figured it out?

Worse than lying to you for months and convincing you you had mental health problems?

That was all easy, because only you were hurt by it.

But telling your parents, that was hard because it hurt him, it made him look like the dick he is to other people.

He still isn't even close to getting it.

Although, in all fairness to him, he's certainly making the most of the drama.

Ay well said Athing.

You should be hopping mad at your dad too.