Help.

[MummyIsMagic79]

Long story short - Gut feeling my DH is cheating/hiding things. All the usual signs. He's had a lot to drink tonight, and when he has, an earthquake won't wake him.

Do I check his phone when he's fast asleep or not? I am 90% sure I will find some very painful stuff on there.

Am 35 weeks preg with DC3. H and I have our second appt with Relate in a week or so. Relate was his idea. He swears blind there's nobody else.

I don't believe him.

If I look, and find something, I will lose the 'upper hand' if you like, because he'll be more focused on me snooping his stuff.

TIA

Perhaps MummyIsMagic's dad is waiting to see what happens, whatpath his daughter chooses to take, before he really speaks his mind. Not easy to come back from casting son-in-law out of the family (as a couple), if OP decides she wants to stay together and try to make it work. Perhaps her dad is just being wise and holding his counsel for now.

OP - as Alien said, it is better that you start of with relate on your own, to talk about your thoughts and feelings first, before you consider whether to let him join you there.

I hope also, that he is going for a STI check too?

That is true. Maybe you need to speak to your mum and dad and give your side of the story? You have shown him an awful lot of trust, letting him get in there first with his version of events. You dont know what he has said...

Your father might bide his time and have decided to not form an opinion until he has spoken to you.

I don't blame the parents - they will be shocked. I'm sorry Mummy is Magic, but what he has done is terrible. I am shocked too.

He had an on-going affair
With a close friend
He told her he loved her.
You are pregnant with his third child.

He denied. He denied. He accused you of paranoia.

He instigated Relate then lied.

None of this is your fault. None of this is your shame. Please look after yourself and get some space from him who has brought this crashing down on your head.

Her dad can hold his counsel, sure, but hugging him? and telling him he still thinks of him as a son?

I'd be furious at that.

I get why your dad acted the way he did. I believe it was for the OP.

If the dad calls him a bastard and tells him he no longer thinks of him as son etc, what happens if/when OP decides to make ago of it? The dad may be pretty certain they will work it out and doesn't want there to animosity between the dh and them if they do.
The dad possibly believes that by acting how he is, that he helping. Not putting anymore pressure on by kicking off.

He may not have known what to do for the best. Kick off, keep calm, call him a fucker. No one knows how to act in this situation.

Its up to the OP to decide why her dad felt he should say that.

Please re-read this:

^And hold on a cotton picking minute - telling your parents was the worst thing he's ever had to do?

Worse than telling you he loved another woman?

Worse than fucking off to his friend's house when you figured it out?

Worse than lying to you for months and convincing you you had mental health problems?

That was all easy, because only you were hurt by it.

But telling your parents, that was hard because it hurt him, it made him look like the dick he is to other people.^

What a twat he is - so absorbed with his own pity party

The Dad had a lot of options that didn't include telling the man who fucked his daughter over that he hoped they'd work it out!

That isn't keeping his counsel, that is intervening on his son-in-law's side.

The little fucker wasted no time in making sure the OP got the message that the men in the family agree this is something she should put up with for their convenience.

This shitbag convinced a heavily pregnant woman that she was mentally ill so he could fuck her friend.

There is something very wrong with a person who could be so cruel.

AThingInYourLife EXACTLY!

The Dad had a lot of options that didn't include telling the man who fucked his daughter over that he hoped they'd work it out!

Athing I am not getting into a 'who is right' debate with you. I simply not willing to (yet) condemn her dad. He may not have said the 'correct' thing. He may not know what the 'correct' thing was to say. He may not seemed supportive of the op, but until the OP says her dad is a twat its possible he thought he was trying to not cause more issues.

Also, we don't actually know what detail the dh has gone into. Do you know he admitted to gas lighting? Hr may have made it sound less than it was (still awful but less) and left lots of detail out.

I can understand why the dad may have said what he did and that its possible he thought he was being supportive.

"Athing I am not getting into a 'who is right' debate with you."

You say that, and there you are arguing with me about who is right :o

Whatever the rationale behind it, it is concerning that the op appears to be surrounded by people who would like her to just swallow her husband's appalling behaviour.

Which is what I fear is going to happen, actually.
Her choice, of course.
We'll see you back on here in due course, MummyMagic
Hope you find some peace of mind.

Mummy, shit happens and people behave badly. He deceived you in the worst possible way and at the worst possible time. However, marriages can and do recover. It's how he deals with it from here that will make all the difference.

Keep posting. Xx

How are you doing today mummy ? How did the clinic go? :(

Least that's out of the way eh?

Is your H still staying at his Mums? Hope he gets no sleep while you wait for the results of your tests.

You say that, and there you are arguing with me about who is right

Not arguing, putting my point across. At no point have I said you are wrong.

This is about the OP not her dad and whether his reaction was 'acceptable' or not. I am here to support the OP and gave my opinion.
which is what you have. They are different opinions. And that's ok.

OP I hope you are ok today.

alright, pack it in, I'm not sure this is helping Mummy.

I'm concerned about your 'talks' too, Mummy. It would be far better if he was out of your sight so you can calm down, at least a bit, ready for the birth. Are there people who can support you with childcare for the next week or so?

You need to get his drama out of your face so you can steady yourself. This isn't all about him, you know - though you wouldn't believe it the way he's carrying on. This is about you, who has been betrayed in an appalling way at an appalling time.

Focus on the baby in your belly, who is party to all this. You need to calm down for the baby; and the best way to do that is for your H to get out of the picture for a few days/weeks.

Hope it went well yesterday at the clinic xx

Actually I think hearing people say "Your 'husband' is a prize prick" is helpful right now, seeing as everyone who should be supporting her in packing his things appear to be trying to sweep it under the carpet!

OP, you deserve better than this treatment, not just from your twat of a husband, but from your family too.

I hope it went well at the clinic.

Hello

Sorry to have inadvertently caused some disagreements.

I don't know why my dad acted how he did. I haven't spoken to him, but my Mum said he's really cut up about it, and he doesn't want to go mad and make things even more stressful for me.

STD clinic was horrendous :( EXTREMELY painful full screening, I cried and screamed during the speculum exam and the urethral one too, then a blood test, which was the easiest part.

On the way home I lost my cool and sent H the most vile and vitriolic text messages. I'm ashamed of what I wrote but basically quoted the most graphic sexual parts of all the messages between him and OW, and told him to get back to her because he obviously loved her * (you get the jist....). I raged at him and screamed on the phone and asked him how he dared expose me to infection and put me through an experience like that. He didn't say anything back, just took it.

Saw him last night and it was not nice. Hysterical crying and shouting. He doesn't understand, and to be honest nor do i, why I have to know all the very gory and intimate details, down to who was on top, and wether he was naked, and how many times she'd sucked him off (sorry). I just feel like I need to have all the facts so I can process it and come to a decision. I don't want to decide to try and save my marriage, only for something to occur to me 3 months down line, ask him, get the answer, and then be set back to square one. He has told me everything I have asked, although it's been very hard to hear and pornographic. Maybe I am torturing myself. I don't know. Like I said, I've no previous experience of this so am just muddling through.

I was in a bad place before I arrived, because OW's husband called me while I was on the way and kept me on the phone for 20 minutes. About school and what to do, and how I was etc. Told me my 'friend' is devastated about what she's done and ashamed. Boo-fucking-hoo bitch.

Relate is tonight. We are both going. No idea what will happen or what we will get out of it.

Wish me luck.

I'm sorry if I am letting everyone down by not immediately filing for divorce. I know he's a prize prick, but I can't switch my feelings off.

Thank you again.

MM79

You are not letting anyone done - you're being so strong under shit circumstances.
Of course It's too soon to decide anything - and why should you hurry?
Be careful about being the confidante of the ow DH. It must be difficult but 1. you need your own support and 2. Unfortunately it is in his interests that you and DH patch it up so he might be steering you.
Good luck tonight.

Back to the baby in your belly, who is currently viable and will be hearing/feeling all this. Please, keep away from your DH, protect your baby. I know you want to get this sorted out but try to do it when the baby is not within 'earshot' as it were.

You didn't cause any arguments on here and OW's H didn't keep you on the phone - you can call off at any stage. If you can't do it for you, do it for the baby.

I'm sorry to lay it on here but the baby is one more person who is being dragged into the monumental shit your husband has caused. Step away from it, there is plenty of time to sort it out, though I appreciate it's hard to hold fire. Do it for the baby.

I'm sorry the clinic was so foul today

Springy - I am not risking my baby. How am I supposed to live my life, the way it is at the moment, with the baby 'out of earshot'? It upsets me that you think I am being reckless with my baby, on top of everything else. My first thoughts in all of this are my children. I am a good mother and I am trying extremely hard to keep all of this together.

I AM taking on board all of the advice here. But in the end, it's me who has to try and make my way through this the best I can.

Please don't think I forgotten my unborn child for a second.

Hi mummy

I'm still with you but I've been quiet because I thought others might have more to offer.

I just want to say to you that you have done absolutely nothing wrong at all. You deal with this the way that you want to. It is your life and your decisions and you have not caused this situation or any of the stress surrounding it.

You have not let anyone down and as for the ridiculous comment about harming your baby, I can't express how angry that made me when you have been out in this situation through no fault of your own.

One word of caution though - the ow's husband sounds like he is using you as a sounding board and to reassure him in a way. You don't need that right now. Let him sort out his own marriage, I bet she's fucking sorry, and ashamed, everyone knows and she will never be liked or trusted again.

Head up high. You can get through this and you can get whatever end result you want or need. Xx

Mummy. I experienced a similar (but less devastating) event in my last pregnancy. I think it's a bit cruel for anyone to pile pressure on you to do what they would like you to to punish your H or behave in any way and use the implication that you are not looking after your baby

I imagine your shock and trauma means you are getting through this as best you can. No one else can know what is the right thing for you.

I was stressed about being stressed about the effect that being stressed was having on my baby. Someone telling me to fix the unfixable would have really upset me

It's unrealistic to expect your relationship to be put on hold until baby is born. You will have to get through this and speaking from experience I never stopped thinking about my baby

Mummy, no suggestions whatsoever about your parenting skills or that you are reckless! Perhaps awkwardly phrased. I too was thinking what an enormous stress this is creating for you and baby, how hard it must be and seeing H will just make things worse - you want to sort this mess, but now is not the right time to figure it out - well it never is! But you have to figure it out, you can't just ignore your life being turned upside down! of course you are thinking of your kids and baby!!! Emotions are running high, you are scared, angry and 8 months pregnant, very hard situation. Anyone there to take your side, to help you out, to hold your hand? Try and avoid H, what a nasty thing he'd done.

Mummy - of course you're not risking your baby.

You went through that painful and humiliating experience yesterday to protect your baby against the harm your husband exposed it to.

You are doing really well and of course you aren't letting anyone down.

You sound a very smart and competent woman and you have our full support.

Our cheering you on might not be the most genteel, but most of us have no agenda other than to act as a bolster to you in whatever way we can.

Best of luck tonight. I've heard some bad things about Relate counsellors. Don't be afraid to insist you are heard.