Help.

[MummyIsMagic79]

Long story short - Gut feeling my DH is cheating/hiding things. All the usual signs. He's had a lot to drink tonight, and when he has, an earthquake won't wake him.

Do I check his phone when he's fast asleep or not? I am 90% sure I will find some very painful stuff on there.

Am 35 weeks preg with DC3. H and I have our second appt with Relate in a week or so. Relate was his idea. He swears blind there's nobody else.

I don't believe him.

If I look, and find something, I will lose the 'upper hand' if you like, because he'll be more focused on me snooping his stuff.

TIA

Blimey, she doesn't deserve a bloke like that, and I'm staggered to be honest that he would say 'I think a bit less of your H now'??!!

anyway, that's them, and it's you that matters, I can understand you don't want him coming and going, so ... he has to go.
In my honest opinion, he needs time to realise what he's actually done?!! Face some fucking consequences.

And you need time to think.
I sincerely hope you don't think you can just carry on like nothing's happened after this?

He does sound very dignified. However it could be the shock - his anger may come out later.

Do not make any long term decisions - you will change your mind several times a day so just take one day at a time.

I really would suggest you getting Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and for him get Julia MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal.

The road to recovery is a very tough one and he will have to work extremely hard in helping you come to terms with his betrayal. He will need to work on himself to find how what issues and traits made him think shagging your friend was the best solution to his problems.

He is crying because he got caught and because he wants your sympathy.

You need to tell him to give you space and time to process your thoughts and feelings - not allowing you to do this would be very selfish of him.

They all beg and cry.

It's not a sign of some amazing depth of feeling.

It's just self-pity because he was caught.

When he stops feeling sorry for himself and starts to genuinely understand the evil he has so casually done to you, your marriage, and your family, maybe then you can talk properly.

In the meantime remember that less than 48 hours ago he was telling her he wanted her forever and allowing you to think you were crazy to be suspicious.

He'd still be having his little love affair if you hadn't checked his phone.

His cruelty to you recently can't be undone with a bit of boo hooing.

Have you been to the doctor/mw yet? It's really quite important.

Will you ever be able to forgive the way he risked your baby's health to shag your supposed friend while you were pregnant?

Does he even get how appallingly he's treated you all?

PLEASE take some space. You cannot heal yourself from this with him flapping around you telling you how to feel, how he feels & eventually explaining your culpability in his affair.
You have no culpability and I really don't want you to end up believing you do.

If he comes over for the kids, take the time to go upstairs and lie down, relax think of yourself and your baby.

His feelings, his tears do not come in to this at the moment.

If he hadn't been found out would he have told you?

Yes he is begging and crying now because he has been caught - not because of what he has done to you (he managed to do that very easily and well, don't forget - the deception was a piece of cake for him) but because of what he now realises he stands to lose.

I understand that you might feel more vulnerable being so PG. Is there family or friends he can go and stay with for a while? Get some help in, and tell the kids Daddy is going to stay elsewhere for a few nights. Take some space - make him really really feel what he has done (beyond his "oh fuck I've been caught" hysterics) and what the consequences could potentially be. Let him feel what his life will actually feel like without you and the kids in it. Allow him to take the time to really measure the impact of the reality he has caused.

From there he can start to make amends and help you to heal & gain trust in him.

So sorry you are going through this - as others have said they are utter utter shits.

Don't read anything into what the husband is saying now. He's in shock and he doesn't want his whole life being disrupted. When he has a chance to reflect, he'll work out that this would have carried on if you hadn't blown the whistle and his wife is only sorry that she's been caught. Under 48 hours earlier, she was telling you she thought she and your husband were 'in love' - bet her husband doesn't know that bit.

You do know that bit. You also saw what your husband said to her.

Your husband's tears are for himself, not for you or his children.

Keep him away and get yourself checked out. You don't have to have the same reaction as her husband, who knows far less than you.

I have no idea whether I could/would forgive my husband if he cheated but I do know that cheating on a pregnant spouse is the most selfish, pathetic thing I've heard of.

He feels his own needs are more important than you or the baby. He feels 'neglected' or yada yada because your focus is elsewhere.

I couldn't be with someone who could show so little respect or concern for me

I was the OW in an EA affair. The wife, my friend, found our texts. I told my husband and told him that was it, the other H and I didn't want to be together but I didn't want to be in our marriage anymore.

DH stayed very calm and focused. He didn't want that to happen and felt the EA had come out of nowhere as I was unhappy. We did counselling as I was so, so impressed at his dignity and his desire to work at the long term goal. That was 7 years ago and there hasn't been anyone since. OUr marriage is a nice marriage, we have good times and boring times but no awful times anymore.

I still get a physical reaction of shame when I think of my ex friend.

My point is, you don't always have to go and throw people out, start divorce proceedings etc as is the MN mantra, though that obviously is one successful tactic too. If DH had done that, I would have headed off with a wave. As it is, his commitment to marriage itself made me stay.

This is not an emotional affair though. The husband was lying saying there was nothing going on anywhere and the OP is heavily pregnant. She needs to think of having time to herself to prepare for the birth of her child, not what he wants, or what effort he may decide to put in.

Changerofname I too am uncomfortable with the "throw him out , its the only way " school of thinking .

Maybe not forever, although that's what I would do. But definitely for now. I can see him breezing away with this, because OP is feeling soooo vulnerable.

I was thinking about this thread earlier today (without benefit of recent updates)

When my exH left me for another mum at school I was utterly shocked and humiliated. My overwhelming reaction was damage limitation

Damage limitation = denial of it all, hiding facts, pretending to everyone, protecting him in order that I could stay married and my children would grow up in a 'family'. This manifested in lots of ways but bottom line was I didn't wish to examine it too closely - I just hid it in my head. I spent 5 years in mental hell. I was faking 'I'm happily married' whilst dying inside unable to move on.

I did move on. What a waste of 5 years though. 5 years that my DC spent with a shell of a mother.

We are obviously now divorced but that's us and not you OP. My advice if you want to stay together (and that is what I suspect you do want) is to aim for long term relationship success.

Long term means facing it all now (sorry). It means family and friends knowing. Horrendous though it might be to imagine all this - it does mean a healthier long term relationship. No hidden dark secrets, no guilt on his behalf. Face it all now. He has to face what he has done. I wish you well.

Livesinjeans I am very sure that many people's reaction is that of damage limitation. Especially if they are feeling humiliated.

H has told his parents last night, they were disgusted. Ditto his colleagues.

He is going to my parents to tell them later. I cannot face it, the dirty job should fall to him.

I have told minimal friends at school.

OW has not sent her DC's to school so far this week. Maybe she won't. She can get them into another school very close by, her parents are governors. The dread and fear 3x a day at school is killing me. I wish she'd just show her face so I can get over that particular hump. Have been going to school run in full hair and make up! What a loser, eh? :(

H is still begging and devastated.

He says he knows he threw it all away and will do anything to fix it.

I love him so much and our baby is coming very soon, but I can't get over what has happened. How do couples survive this?? Please tell me?

Very grateful for all the MN support, thank you, thank you, thank you.

He is sobbing and crying because you found out, love.

How do couples survive this? I don't think they do. Not in the long term, and not with both of them being happy. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Have you told your midwife that you might have been exposed to an infection? That's actually the most urgent thing on the agenda.

You sound like you are doing well turning up at school, putting on a brave front - shame OW is such a coward, I know what you mean about the constant dread of bumping into her.

Couples can and do survive this but its is not an easy road, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. I think I may have already suggested that you get MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal and Glass's Not Just Friends - these will help guide your recovery and clarify your thoughts and feelings. Your H will have to do all the work - he will need to address his issues/traits that led to him thinking having an affair was the best way of resolving his problems. Until he does this, you both will never understand why he did it and he is at risk of cheating again.

You are not a loser, you are a woman who had no hand in this situation and who is pulling on her battle dress to leave the house, that sounds perfectly normal to me.

I don't think you will ever 'get over' what's happened you will learn how to live with it but that is something different. Personally I couldn't stay in a relationship long term with someone who had cheated on me, I'd try and try and try I know I would because I gave my abusive ex far more time than I ever should have but I know I couldn't live the rest of my life knowing I'd been betrayed like that.

I have no idea how people stay together through something like this but I know couples who have so it can work but they have all gone through a period of time apart, dealing with their own issues with the situation before coming back together and in some cases coming back far stranger than before.

The baby complicates things I can understand that, there are things that you don't get a second chance at with babies but right now you need a few days when you aren't having to deal with him, even if its just that he's going to go away for a long weekend so it is explainable to the kids, you need a few days when you are your priority so you can think clearly and really see what you want to do. You are the important one here not him.

I have an STD clinic appt tomo at 1pm, the MW said it was a good idea. Am having an ELCS.

mummy, bless you but you can't put the fast forward on your hurt to 6 or 12 months down the line.it took my mum a long time to forgive my Dad..relate may help in a while but for now you have enough to face. I know its not the same, but my husband was threatening to divorce me just as waters broke, I will never forget how it felt, so I can only imagine how vulnerable you have been and are feeling. my advice, if he is going to still live with you, is do not do all the leg work in fixing this.don't let him smooth things over too quickly as it does unfortunately set you up for future heartache.not saying this will be the same for you, but my Dad only stopped his affairs when mum and I both independently cut tits...it only lasted for a month of no or little contact but it made him face his loss.so I would say, please let him see the damage..good he is telling family

cutting tits sounds painful dippy!!

My main advice really is to take time and space to process your thoughts and feelings, doing some reading and talking. You can't rush this process.

Get real life support from friends/family.

Be kind to yourself and arrange little boosts/treats e.g a haircut, massage, a long soak in the bath, a coffee in town etc.

Have you got a date for the ELCS?

I'd make absolutely no decisions for a few months- possibly longer in this case because you'll have a new baby to contend with.

It's probably worth hearing your husband out in the next few days, but just listen and don't make any decisions. Best to tell him however that your relationship is over as far as you're concerned and that he must find somewhere else to live.

Focus on more concrete things first; the STD test and finding a new birthing partner.

Remember you don't have to make any decisions and when in shock, you shouldn't.

To be fair, the same applies to your husband. What he's feeling and saying now cannot be trusted, it's just shock, shame and self-interest talking.

dippy that's a bit drastic. :)

How do couples survive this? I don't think they do. Not in the long term, and not with both of them being happy. Will you ever be able to trust him again

I disagree with this. OP, don't rush to make a decision. If you decide to stay, that's ok. Its only a decision you can make. It will take a lot of work but if that's what you really want, its a valid decision.
oh and you are not a loser. I would do the same and it would piss me off that she was hiding. Poor kids of hers having to move school because of her behaviour. I hope your kids are ok as well.

Whatever you decide, we are here.

I don't want a new birth partner

If it can't be him, i'd rather it was just me and my baby.

Might book a haircut this weekend