Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Well done for taking. The extra sobbing etc is as yesterday you didn’t make him

so today he thought wouid be the same but it wasn’t

a child being that hysterical over school isn’t nice for you but as a parent you need to drop off and go -

big smile to DS. You will have fun playing /looking at books etc and mummy pick you up later. Cuddle. Kiss and walk away

I know it’s hard. As I said previously mini blondes sobbed at pre school and wasn’t keen going into reception but I knew she was fine once there so I did a cuddle and kiss and bye love you and walk away

it will get easier but you have to keep going to school. Mon will prob be hard as not at school sat and sun so you will need to say after tomorrow.

Now the weekend. School isn’t on. But on Mon people have to go to school and work etc

im certain he won’t be silent sobbing all morning

he is nearly 5 so by jan he has to be in full time

having kids leave through out the day does disrupt the ones who are staying , so yes teachers will hopefully do a week of am. Then lunch. Etc but their goal will be to get him to settle and be happy

they have done this many times so you need to trust them

Well done for taking him in.

As the teacher seems helpful, you could ask her to let you know how he settled this morning. As an adult, seeing him cry at drop off makes you anxious all day, but many children who are overwhelmed at drop off are happy during the day.

Well done OP. How did he get on this morning?

He seemed to get on well. The teacher is understanding she held his hand and walked him in and sat down with him. He came out in a better mood but I think its because it wasnt a full day. He said it was okay but one of the teachers apparently shouted at a child for putting water all in the toilet and the child screamed and cried for ages.
The teacher has just rang me and said he can do half a day tmos & mon but Tues weds he can stay for lunch, pick up at 1pm then Thurs 2.30pm then Friday a full day.
She said they have to get confirmation for these part time days from the LA it is a formal thing apparently.
I dont know if it will be all too much, too soon but will see how he goes.

Sounds like a sensible plan from the school. Picking him up early is going to make him different to the other children. Better to get him in full time as soon as possible.
I really think you need to push through with this. The more it’s dragged out and he’s treated differently, the longer it will take for him to settle.
Also, how do you know the child screamed for ages?

A child’s ages crying can seem forever but it’s not

I’m a maternity practitioner and one time I was helping a mum sleep train her toddler and we did the 1 2 4 8 method and I timed it.

mum found hard toddler crying and said it felt like 30 mins and I showed her the timer and was just over 2 mins and he was asleep by the 4 min mark

she was amazed and if hadn’t seen my timer she wouldn’t have believed jt

so what sounds long often isn’t

teachers plan sounds sensible

also if he came out happy. Thats a win

and also means isn’t crying the whole time - which you seem to think he is @Anonymous23458d

he will def settle and stop and play /engage in activities

so carry on taking him.

That does sound like a good phased approach OP… you don’t want him to get too used to only going for mornings because then it will seem like a bigger deal when it changes.

He might be tired and emotional, but all children starting reception are, it’s a big change.

He will find it easier to make friends if he’s not disappearing off every lunchtime. They will be having playtime etc together and he will be missing out.

I am glad you managed to take him in OP, the schools approach sounds great, its slow enough that he won’t quite notice the extra hour or so added each day but quick enough that its gets him in full time by end of next week which is great, he will probably still get upset every morning for a while but eventually he will minimum understand it is something he has to do and just get on with it, you may find he has set backs after half terms etc but just keep it up 👍🏻.
My son is SEN and catches the bus every morning (they pick him up from our front door) and goes to school in another city and catches the bus home, so from reception he leaves at 7:45 and not home till 4:30, which is a very long day for a 5 year old, when he was going through some separation anxiety and screaming/crying/hitting himself when we were wrestling him onto the bus it was really hard, generally he was fine after 10-15 min (the bus escort would text us to say he had settled down) and on the odd occasion he wouldnt settle we had to meet the bus to take him off, we just had to persevere, he now goes on the bus fine again no problem.

Just take him to school and don't make a fuss. Alot of children are like this and they soon settle if you don't over fuss. School is a big part of life and we have to learn that sometimes we have to do things we would rather not do.

I would see how he is when he is staying for lunch. Don't be pressured to up to longer days too quick if he is starting to struggle.
He isn't CSA till January so until then you can legally keep him.on a reduced timetable.
Even after this the school can easily extend if needs must.if. Pupil is difficult for the schools they are quick to sort the paperwork to do this so they definitely can do something if it is needed.

If he is happy to stay longer that is great but you have to take it one step at a time.

Shouting at peers was a major trigger for my childs school anxiety. Often they couldn't understand why the teacher was screaming at peer X and so they didn't know how to avoid the risks of also being screamed at.

Apparently, school teachers there never shouted but I know they did as I volunteered at the school and witnessed this first hand. I was also walking past one day and the teacher shouting in the school made an adult jump out of my skin a distance away.

How did he get on today @Anonymous23458d

I really feel for you. I think some kids are more sensitive to the school environment, but I do think that most children are in some form of childcare by 3-4 so they have gotten used to the separation and structure before school starts. In that sense I think schools are probably less adept at dealing with kids who are really struggling with the transition from home to school.
Our school did 3-4 weeks of transitioning to full days which sounds like it would have been much more beneficial for your son.
As someone who's also considering home school, I totally understand your reservation with causing him distress to go into a school system that's been shown to raise kids cortisol levels for extended periods of time.
My daughter currently is going in happily and I'm still not certain its the best environment for her.
I think if I was looking at deferring and getting him used to a preschool setting and then starting him in reception next year that might be an option but it sounds like based on when your son is born he will need to start school in reception part way through the year? Which I think would be more confusing when all the other kids are completely settled.
It's a really difficult situation but his upset seems far above the norm and I do think the school should work with you to do a more gentle transition, especially since he's not been used to preschool setting. Some schools are more helpful than others but there are options like part time timetables until the term after they turn 5.

as above^^ dont feel pressured into making him stay a full day, had this with my GS, the school were really on board with allowing him to come out before lunch to get used to being away from home. it took a few weeks and hes a lot more settled

This post nails it - sorry OP but you are part of the problem. The fact he wasnt excited about starting school beforehand tells me you probably werent doing the right stuff at home to prepare him for this transition.

Summer should have been spent talking to him in bright positive tones about how great school is going to be, isnt he excited, school is really fun and he'll meet lots of other children and even get to eat lunch together, how great is that?!

All said with lots of enthusiasm.

Shopping for uniform and a school bag should all have been framed in really positive terms 'wow don't you look smart in your new clothes, gosh what a grown up boy you look!' etc etc

You read lovely positive 'starting school' stories at home, you do fun stuff like choosing their own new water bottle with a favourite character on it, ready to take to school.

And then on the first few days of school you dont do a long drawn out emotional goodbye, you just say a nice bright 'have a lovely day sweetie, i cant wait to hear about it when you get home!' with a big smile.

Kids pick up on you own apprehension and anxiety. You have to model this as a really positive step for your child.

Has this week been better @Anonymous23458d

The Op has not educated the DS regarding starting school so I’m wondering if home Ed would be dictated by the DS too. Meaning- he’s not keen in that either when he’s asked to learn to read. YR is not just play. Bright dc learn to read in YR for a start and build up their maths and writing skills. Plus learning cooperatively with others and navigating social situations. This DS has not been introduced to these concepts.

Pleading and crying gets him what he wants it seems. It’s odd to
me that nursery was not restarted because he’s now refusing to go to school because he’s addicted to
mum. He will probably refuse in a year after deferring too if he’s got yet more settled at home. If he’s deferred, I would say nursery is non negotiable. Cannot see home Ed working as op has had him at home and not much has been achieved in terms of school prep. Why would his attitude to school change with even more time not doing it?

He’s seeing school as a punishment too. Saying he will be good if he stays at home. So is he badly behaved? Does he know he is? This seems to suggest school is not seen as a natural step or a positive thing within the family. Nursery was not either. I’d therefore be concerned that DS rules the roost here and dictates family life. He will probably dictate his own lack of education too. So I’d persevere but I’m not one to accept being dictated to by a 4 year old after 2 days.