Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Firstly you poor thing, that must be so difficult. As he’s only 4 could you defer school for a year and get him into a different preschool (then new school next year)?

It’s quite unusual these days because most parents of both sexes go back to work long before school age so very very few children start school without having had long experience at nursery/childmibder/pre school.

for what it’s worth mine did that for several months at pre school but I needed to work so in they went.

it’s also (and I know this is NO help to you at all) much easier if they get used to being away from you younger as it just becomes something that happens.

that said, there are things both you and school can do to help. Having some kind of transition object from home that he can keep in his pocket to know that you are thinking about him and that he will be going home.

the teacher or TA could give him a job to do in the morning so that he misses the chaos of the general going in and can also get praised for doing a good job.

possibly you could get there early and agree with the teacher he can go into eg the outside play area early so that he can get settled in.

if you had to pull him out of preschool due to not coping then school was always likely to be difficult. Have you done the usual of reading books about school, etc?

two days is early days. Speak to the teacher

He doesn't need to be in education til the term after his 5th birthday so you don't even need to home educate at this point. You can just take him out of school.

Unless you are prepared to home school throughout and quite frankly allow your dc to make family decisions then you need to persevere. My mum tells me it took me a few weeks to settle in school, but it was ok, it’s a case of needing to push through. I was a right pain at the age your dc is, I can remember bits like refusing to go into parties and refusing to go to activities but my mum persevered and I got more confidence

Could you speak with school about doing shorter days and him building up to longer hours? Has he been away from you in a non-school setting e.g. leaving him with a friend or relative.

There were a few children like this in DD's class. I will say that, with one exception (due to SEND needs) they all settled by half term.

Very upsetting time. I get that.

The pyjama thing. I did that. I said “if you won’t get dressed I will take you in your pyjamas”.

I got my son out of the car in his pyjamas. Little did he know I had his uniform in the boot. He never kicked off in the morning again.

Above all, you need to avoid having him physically pulled away from you. Is it possible for you to stay with him at school for a while?. I realise this might be difficult with the younger child needing to be cared for, too.

Could you get the younger one a place in some kind of childcare and both you and the older one take him there before going on to school?
I wonder if part of the problem is that he knows his brother will be with you all day.
You need a meeting with the school staff, ask if SENDCO an attend, too, to work out a strategy for getting him happily into school. I wouldn't ki k this can any further down the road if possible.

If you can, keep him in school, but do shorter days. Slowly build it up.

Ok so my comment comes from a home educating mum but I agree I think you need to give it more time. Having decided to go the school route you need to give it a proper chance before deciding it’s not for him. A conversation with the teacher as to what can be done to help is the first step definitely, they must have dealt with this often. However having said that I absolutely would not be ok with anyone pulling my child away while they are screaming, that’s only going to make the situation worse in the long run in my opinion.
As others have said he doesn’t have to be in school until the term after his 5th birthday so you could withdraw him and try again then but obviously you run the risk of there being no space at the school you chose. Also going from the situation you’re in now to that in my mind would just set him up to fail because he now sees school as a bad experience.

Does the teacher have any idea why he is so upset?
At 4 I’d probably explain that he has to go because it’s the law but maybe try for a few half days to help him settle?
Has another child done something to upset him, or does he not like the toilets or the lunches? It would be good to understand what the problem is so you can come up
with a remedy.

@Cuwins I have spoken to the teacher they said when they are screaming like that the best thing to do is just rip the band aid off and take him off me.. It goes against everything I think is right. They've not offered half days to me

Surely at some point he has to understand that he has to go to school? We all have to go to work and kids go to school because they’re told to.

i was told the best way to drop off is quickly - big smile on your face and go. You see it at school drop off and the lingering only makes it all so much worse.

he’s 4, you put his clothes on him and he goes because you’re the parent. Only ever talk about school in a positive way, no talking about missing him etc. How you frame the message really changes their outlook.

Children at preschool do a lot of preparation for going to school, it's talked about and they have seen the previous year move up. Your son hasn't done any of that, of course it's going to feel like a lot at the start.

Yes hand him over and walk away, stay positive and that you'll see him later.

How was he during the 2 days he was there? Did he settle once in school?

It’s not something I would be allowing personally but I haven’t been in that situation so hard for me to say. Also tricky if you have another child of course. I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you

I'd be more concerned about how he is after school. If he cries on drop off but then recovers and enjoys the day that's one thing, but if he's miserable and stressed at pick up I'd he more inclined to think it's all a bit too much for him.

Do you need him to be in education this year? Deferring school for a year (or long term home ed... or something that starts later like Waldorf...) are all possibilities but only if you can make that work for your life. Obviously and completely understandably not everyone can.

@Octavia64 has given some really good advice. I would also add that you need to act very calm and confident so that he doesn't pick up on your anxiety. Of course it's upsetting for you, but you need to show him that you're not worried because school is a safe place for him to be.

My second child was very wobbly and anxious about school to start with and had to be peeled off me. He was absolutely fine after a week or two.

And yes, he will be really tired after school - it is absolutely exhausting for them to start with, like anything new and unfamiliar.

That’s a really good point.

Ashleigh Warner (she's on Instagram as Raising Humans Kind) has some really good stuff about separation anxiety and school refusal. Both of mine are Waldorf kids who didn't start formal schooling at 4. It's a lot to ask of kids and I feel for you both.

My little girl was ok right up until the walk in. Then she would cry, every day. It was awful, I felt awful but persevered. None of the other kids were like that so it was really hard but we kept going. I think maybe it took half a term or so until she stopped. The thing is what is the alternative, she couldn't go back to preschool and I had no one to look after her so just had to keep trying. If it's any consolation by Year 1 she loved school so complete change.

I used to help in a reception class over 25 years ago and this is how about a quarter of the children would behave then. Things have changed over time as the majority of children have been in nursery. You need to give it time.

Put a big smile on your face and talk about making friends and coming home when school is finished. Tell him you have a lot of very boring housework to do but you'll have time to play with him after school.

Good luck OP!

do you actually want to home educate?
is it feasible for your family financially?
or do you think that school can provide valuable experiences and education?

you are the parent here and you have to decide what is best for him, and for the family as a whole
if you dither and waver you are telling him that you are not the one on control
if you allow YOUR anxiety and distress to show, you are telling him that school is a scary place to be

he is finding it unusually difficult because he hasn't had the usual experiences that prepare children for being separated from their parent/s, and being in a group setting- so I think some of the suggestions here, like half days, might help
-but unless 'not going to school' is a genuine options, you need to be clear that all children go to school, school can be fun, school can be interesting, and you will help him get used to it

Have you tried any other setting where you leave him? A toddler soccer class? A creche at a spa or gym? Wth friends or family? And if so, what is he like?

I can totally see why you're worried, but would also be concerned about making it worse.

Is there any jealousy of his little brother getting your time?