Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP I broadly agree with that you’re saying about formal education at 4, especially as someone who had a very young in the school
year 4yo.

You haven’t tried to find alternatives or strategies to help him cope and work through the distress which frankly a large chunk is of your own making. There are ways that you can try and do this softly softly and see how he gets on. You’ve had lots of advice on the thread. You could have given it more than a few days but you haven’t you’ve just not sent him.

Change is hard, new environments are hard.

There was a thread on here a while back, where a Mum whose teen had school refused for a few years had recovered and wanted to go back to school. But he wanted to go back to school to do the years he had missed, as he suddenly realised, and was distraught by, the fact that he had missed out on key years of his life. He had stayed at home in year 9, 10, and 11 and those years were gone now. He wanted to go back and do them, but unfortunately that isn't possible as children need to be taught with their peers. The mum was very annoyed he wasn't allowed to, as he had missed so much (proms, friendships etc) and why couldn't he just be allowed to be the exception? She had of course facilitated him staying at home for years.

If your little boy doesn't go to reception now, he will never get to go back and do it (as a none summer born). If he doesn't do year 1 and year 2, he never will. Those years will be gone. Yes he might have a nice gentle time not doing much t home except exploring the forest and baking, but think of everything he will miss. The nativities. Making friends. Sports days. The dress as a number/bring a photo of you as a baby/ victorian school classroom days.

Just make very very sure that you aren't struggling with separation anxiety/loss of control/sadness that this phase of your life is over. It needs to be the best thing for him in the long run, not the best and easiest thing for you now.

This has all been caused by you. You removed him from preschool teaching him if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to go, also giving him zero preparation for school, then used school as a threat, making it out to be a scary bad thing. Poor kid isn’t prepared at all and Mum’s made out she’s sending him to this horrible place because he’s naughty.

This post though fundamentally tells us that you do have an issue with the system.

you don’t want him to be part of it.

so don’t.

whether that’s best for him or not you won’t know for many years to come.

but for a child who isn’t SEN, one parent at home with a one yr old simply cannot provide the same education or experience as a school can and you will be setting him up for further problems in managing change, adjustment, attachment, and so on.

you admit you didn’t set him up properly for this right, so you either correct that now and change course based on your actual personal beliefs.

Exactly, and commiting to mornings only until Christmas (3 hours a day) seems so basic and reasonable.

The UK just did very well in the international tables for most subjects, England did the best in the UK. Funnily enough, the countries that send their kids later didn't do as well. So lets ot pretend that sending children to school at 4 is this horrendous, damaging thing. It's fine.

He might be better off if his dad dropped him in while hes really anxious. Are you at home full time? My kids are always much more difficult when im off work as they then have the idea that their clubs or after school things are optional and kick up a big fuss. I agree with you that because you took him out of preschool he thinks he can also quit school too (dont mean this judgmentally). Does he know any of the other kids? Id make some play dates quickly so that he can start looking forward to seeing a friend.

I would definitely take him out. Some kids really benefit from home schooling.

He will cry tho. It’s new to him
as I said my dd cried every day - it was hard

but 20mins later she was happy and playing

many have asked but you havnt replied

did he settle ? I’m sure he wasnt crying all day

you dont really want to hone school and will struggle - so DS needs to go to school

and as others have said - he has learnt. I cry and hide and dont go

so you need to take him there and go and let the teacher deal /console him

A 4 year old is not old enough to make decisions about his own education.

I believe the parental decision should be based your own understanding and judgment of school v EHE: not the judgment of a 4 year old with 2 days experience of the education system.

If you decide on school, it needs to be treated as an expectation not a choice, in the same way that hiding (presumably) wouldn't get him out of brushing his teeth.

I know it's years away but please remember that if you homeschool, entering exams like GCSEs and A Levels is very expensive. He'll get them for free if he get them in school.

He'll have to have some qualifications if he wants a career-y job. Do look up how former homeschooled kids without feel about it. Some people really were robbed by their parents' choices.

I know you might think that he doesn't know how you feel about school, but he absolutely will be aware of your emotions this week. Kids pick up on how their parents feel about stuff like little sponges. I used to work in paediatric surgery and you could tell which kids were going to be scared and crying before anyone said a word - it was the kids whose parents were looking scared, anxious (and sometimes crying).

Your boy knows that you've been upset and anxious when leaving him and that you're not sure that it's the right thing for him to go to school. You have to put on a mask of absolute confidence and steely resolve that he will be fine, that school is safe and that you are not worried.

He’s 4 years old! All this finger wagging about homeschooling is a big ridiculous. He doesn’t even need to start school til,he’s 5.

Bear in mind that kids in Germany and Scandinavia don’t start school til age 6.

Or 7.

This struck me from your OP:

I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible

When and how do you plan to do this whilst home edding? Time doesn't stand still, and careers need time and attention. So do pensions (I scuppered mine by too much time attending to an autistic child and exhaustedly losing the plot, and I'm now playing catch-up while older and tireder. I don't recommend it as a life plan if you can avoid it.)

And also:
I've found it tough. I wish I could homeschool him but I'm finding planning and structure quite difficult. My partner is also on board with it too. I registered him for school because I was struggling day to day with both boys

It's all very well your partner being on board in a vague fashion but is s/he going to be there planning, structuring and teaching?

What's your practical plan for home ed if you do it? Do you have easy access to music, drama or sports groups, at a suitable age range? Are you walking distance from "stuff" or stuck with one bus an hour if the car breaks down?

What about the bits your little lad doesn't want to do - might your resolve waver before his? He'll need to be pushed beyond his comfort zone sometimes. And in a couple of years, will you keep his brother home too, even if he's a social little chap who loves big groups?

entering exams like GCSEs and A Levels is very expensive

Giving up a career is also very, very expensive.

I don’t think @Raptors was saying he has anxiety but it is completely normal for small children to have a bit of separation anxiety, which is clearly the case with your little boy (and alot of other children) who are not used to being separated from their parents.
It is hard and very upsetting as a Mum to leave your child crying, it’s instinct to not want to put them through that but he has to go to school, pretty much every Mum/Dad has gone through this with their child/one of their children, it is completely normal.
The teachers have gone through this hundreds of times, they know if its just some separation anxiety and to keep “ripping the band aid off” or when they need to do something different to help the child settle, it has been 2 days and while its probably quite upsetting to you that is not nearly enough time to get him used to being without you after 4 years of always having you there.

From your posts it really sounds like this reaction is more about you than the child. Lots of kids cry at drop-off. One of mine cried every day for most of infants but then was totally fine within 5 minutes of entering the classroom. For most children, school is going to be the best setting. It shouldn’t be something you try and use as a punishment. I also don’t think someone who has self described themselves as overwhelmed is best suited to home school. It’s not really fair on the child unless you can provide them with a rich learning environment and lots of attention.

@Anonymous23458d How did this morning go? Did you take him to school?

@Whinge yes I took him in to school before they opened via the school office. The head of year said his class teacher had meant to call me. Ds was hysterical this morning hiding and had to be forced in the car it was horrible. I took his clothes in his bag. He was almost being sick and struggling to get his breath from crying. He managed to calm down but still silently sobbing and the head of year led him in the classroom. She said they could sit at play whilst it was quiet before all the children came in. She said she will have to talk to the head about a gradual start as she can not authorise that and to pick him up just before lunch. I don't really feel comfortable leaving him for a full day so soon when he is clearly so distressed.

Well done

Don't assume yet that "hysterical" means he's going to struggle long-term. It could equally mean "Why isn't it working? It got me out of school yesterday. Scream harder!"

Treats are called for at pickup and a massive amount of "So proud of you", I'd say.

It’s horrible but well done. My 4 year old clung and was very upset this morning too, I had to dress him whilst he refused, but tells us he has a great day yesterday and is just sad to leave us.

As he isn’t compulsory school age you can just tell them you will be doing x hours and building it up. They can’t say no to requests within school hours - they could say no to drop off before school start time but not after 8.40.

I considered all options including deferral (as he is summer born) and part time but it’s not practical and I felt he’d stand out or miss out on making friends which felt just as bad as sending him. I do wish they started school at 6+ as they seem so little but almost all children do settle with time and consistency.

One thing I do remember is that the mum who hung around nursery stressing amd looking through the window all the time was the parent with the most stressed screaming child. Be wary of communicating fear silently in this way, if you think that is a possibility.

You clearly have your own agenda here - which is fine but I don’t understand why you’re fighting it and looking for others’ permission to homeschool.

Your underlying thoughts about school will have almost definitely come out subconsciously over the past 4 years and your son quite rightly doesn’t trust or believe you when you say it’s all fine as that’s not the message you’ve been giving up until now.

Home education for small children has huge benefits which I can see you completely agree with so why are you going down a different route?

I couldn’t agree with this more. I did originally in the early stages of this thread provide some advice because she genuinely seemed like she wanted some and while my kids have always been fine, loads of my friends children have been the same and I have 2 friends who are reception teachers. But this whole thread has just been pointless and defensive

I don't really feel comfortable leaving him for a full day so soon when he is clearly so distressed.

so what are you doing to make him feel less distressed? A staggered start (yes, insist on the school supporting you and your DS through this / shorter school days / treats at pick up / bigging up school / play dates / special time for him and you in the afternoon/ etc?