Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

You need to set up a reward system for him to go to school and stay in school.

it will be difficult since he had so much time at home but that is normal and he will benefit from settling into a school environment.

the school will support a transition plan but reward is the best way to change his behaviour.

I have always wanted to homeschool since learning about the history of the school system and also the rise of screens in schools. But since having both children and hardly any support I've found it tough. I wish I could homeschool him but I'm finding planning and structure quite difficult. My partner is also on board with it too. I registered him for school because I was struggling day to day with both boys and thought it might be the best thing for him but it doesn't seem like it now..
Now they are getting older and a bond is growing between the boys I'm thinking it wont be as bad.b

My little girl did this for the entire 1st week, teachers had to pull her away from me to get her to go in, reported that she cried non stop for the first hour etc (this was a child who had been to nursery since 9 months old too), but after the first week it suddenly stopped and she settled in and it all became absolutely fine. So maybe give it a little time and plan a nice tea or something to look forward to at the weekend to give him an incentive?
With my son I wish I’d asked the council if I could hold him back the year as he simply wasn’t ready (in the end the school held him back a year to repeat reception) - so maybe explore this too?
My friend had the same difficulty and the school let her in to sit with her little girl in the mornings until she was able to slip out, they read together and then she could leave her without any further fuss, is that worth asking about?
A few ideas anyway and I hope he settles soon for you.

OP, I’m going to be harsh but I mean it kindly and I’m thinking of your son. I’m a teacher and have worked with many pupils with EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance). I deeply, deeply wish I could gather all our new parents and tell them that school refusal always starts with one day that they are allowed to stay at home. On that day they learn several things - if they protest enough they’ll be allowed to stay at home, school is optional, Mum (it is nearly always Mum) doesn’t think they can cope and believes that they are better off at home. I would also like to be able to tell a significant number (but definitely not all) of the mums that it is their own anxiety that is causing issues for the child, often the separation anxiety lies with them as much or more than the child. I’d also like to share that I know too many school refusers who are now 18+ and won’t leave the house. That a brisk ‘good bye, mummy loves you, see at 3’ is far better than long drawn out goodbyes - or even as I have seen the mother coming back 10 minutes later and starting it all off again.
That a proportion of Mums (again it is mums not Dads) because they have separation anxiety themselves and / or want to be in full control of their DC at all times.
Not saying this is you, but so
e thoughts for you to consider.

I have to agree with the teachers, do you know if he cries for a while after 10mins? an hour? All day?, i find my boys have had the most trouble with going into school, my girls ive never had a tearful morning.
my eldest boy cried every morning till year 2 and i made him a deal that if he didn’t cry in the morning i would go around to the window on the side of the class room and do our “love ( make a love heart with our hands) “you (point at each other) “yea (thumbs up) handshake thing with him through the window before i left, and then in year 6 he started getting upset going in again so i used to give him my bracelet (i always wore it, never took it off) so it gave him comfort to have a something of mine with him, i read somewhere aswell about a dad whose daughter was having trouble going into school so he drew a hug button on her hand and every time she missed him she could push the button and send him a hug and he had one on his hand too, which i thought was a lovely idea.
my son is now 14 and still does the ‘love you yea” every day before heading off to high school haha.

Find another school if possible. New page

To be blunt a new school won't fix this problem because the OP doesn't seem to want to fix it. I sincerely hope he is able to get a good well rounded education and the OP makes an effort at some point to tackle the issues he has with anxiety and separation.

@Raptors surely me posting on here shows a want to fix it? He is only 4 he does not have anxiety issues at all. Stop putting some medical term on it. He is worried about leaving me because hes never left me before ! I had him pulled off me crying for those 2 days and I do not want to repeat that again. I was researching homeschooling before I sent him in. I do not understand why everyone thinks its so normal for 4 year olds to be okay with being separated from their parents and family for almost 7 hours a day 35 hours a week. It is literally a fulltime job and I believe we've been conditioned to think it is normal.

My great nephew has just started, his first day report from him was that 'I felt a bit sad, but teacher gave me a teddy and then I felt better' I'm not saying this is the answer but sometimes it's little things that will help. Don't give up just yet

Exacrly, well said OP

You've set him up with a self fulfilling prophecy. You don't like the school system, your posts indicate that don't really want him attending, he's never spent time away from you, you put ideas in his head that school was a bad place and when he's faced any difficulty you've removed him immediately from the situation both at school and at nursery. Of course he's going to dislike school. He had no chance to think it was a fun exciting adventure like all the others in his class.

There you go. It's not coming from the child at all, it's coming from OP.

What about a 'pocket hug' that you can put a kiss on for him to have at any time during the day?

My four year old isn’t happy about starting school either, he’s been there a week and needed to be peeled off every day so I understand how hard it is, but unless you can home school he’ll have to go.

My DS struggled with the transition in at nursery so we sent him to breakfast club, he arrived when it was quieter and staff would tempt him in with a special job to do and let him wave to me at the window. I didn’t stick around as that made it worse - we did try me staying for a couple of weeks but I quickly realised why that was a bad idea. He got better over the two years he was there and mostly ran in by the end

Feel like we’re back to square 1 at reception because he’s gone to a different school to his friends. We’ve read some books about separation, I give him snacks and something to do in the car and just keep saying I understand it’s hard/he feels sad about leaving me but he has to go to school and we talk about how he’ll only get to make friends there if he goes (he’s very sociable). He comes out with a big smile but no improvements of a morning yet.

You could ask about a different drop off but staying till he’s calm/willing to go in is probably not realistic. He’ll be testing if you’re going to make him go, alongside feeling unsure and not wanting to leave you so I’d be willing to let them take him off you for a half term so he knows it’s not negotiable and then reassess. I expect we may not see improvements at drop off until after Christmas with my DS.

He needs to learn that it is ok to feel sad, to miss you and his sibling, to not necessarily enjoy everything when he is not with you and that it is ok to have fun without you. What does he like doing, big up what he can do related at school, with other kids who may share his interest just like when he plays at the park with his friends. It is all a learning curve for you and him to build resilience and confidence apart. How engaged were you with this one beforehand?If you don’t like this style did you look at a range of primaries. The curriculum may be the same but the delivery and environment can vary. You have a partner, where do they stand on this. Could they take him in instead and see if he behaves differently?

We had a very similar experience with our child and it was heartbreaking to watch. In the end, I had to take withdraw them because the social, sensory and attention demands of a large mainstream setting were just too much for them. They now has an EHCP that funds a place in a much smaller private setting, which has been a far better fit for her needs.

You're projecting your issues here.

It's 6 hours a day. It's not a job, it's education which at the moment you can't provide.

I don't think children necessarily have to attend nursery or pre-school in order to be prepared for school. Many children never attend any sort of formal childcare prior to starting school and sail through with no issues. I was one of them, though admittedly I was older than your son by a few months (I'd already turned 5).

However, in your case the backstory is significant. It wasn't that you made a decision for your son not to attend nursery, he actually did for several months before he began to refuse and you pulled him out. It sounds as though he is trying to repeat the pattern (and obviously, it was very unhelpful for you to threaten him with school as a punishment).

How have you prepared him for school in the past few months? Have you talked about how much fun he'll have, the friends he'll make, the toys he can play with, etc.? If he senses negativity or ambivalence about school in the way you talk about it, he may develop an aversion or fear of school. I would ask him why he doesn't want to go to school, try to unravel any fears he hasn't articulated yet.

I'm not opposed to homeschooling, though I think it should be a decision based on reasons other than finding it difficult to get your son to school. And if you've been struggling with two children at home, I wonder whether home educating is really the best option.

This sounds incredibly difficult, I’m so sorry. I also don’t agree with the pulling them off screaming, I would not be able to accept that as a solution and it would make me question their judgement and have trust in the already complicated situation.

This is tricky, as on one hand there is lots of evidence that the current UK education system has issues and that we put children in young due to capitalism. Although teachers do their best, they are working in a flawed system, and I don’t think the ‘typical’ route is always the ‘best route’, so if you have the option to explore homeschooling I would. However, you have mentioned a few times about not coping with two kids alone all day / being supported. I’m not clear what that means, but you don’t sound confident that you could deliver what you think he needs - although what you think he needs may not be the same as what he actually needs. If you think you can do some ‘teaching’ for the next year, alongside working on positive associations with school, experience of being dropped off for increasing amounts of time at different other settings, building resilience, etc then I would probably try to defer for a year, but you need to have a clear plan in terms of how you will make sure he is ready on all fronts, as you don’t want to risk, for example, him starting again in a year and feeling self conscious when he realises he can’t do what some other kids can do and it knocking him back again

It’s also worth considering the set up locally for alternative primary schools (either for now or in a years time)? It might be that somewhere else offers a more gentle approach without the association he is building now?

@Happytaytos its 8.40 to 3.20 so its 6 hrs 40. Ive always had my reservations about school which I never enlightened him on, obviously. But I have always encouraged it bar the time i stupidly threatened him with having to go back.
At the moment I do not need to provide an education, even by law. He is 4. However, I could if I chose to.

How are you feeling about going back to work Op? Doing the school run everyday? Are these positive things for you, or are they a motivating factor in homeschooling.

My kids loved school, reception is literally learning via play with their little friends. It.ma a lot more enriching than making a den and going to the library then making dinner every. Single. Day.

He's definitely picked up on your general dislike whether you've outright said it or not.

If you want to home school, go ahead and home school. But everything you've written is about how overwhelmed you are and you haven't really given reasons for home schooling other than he didn't like school for 2 days. He's barely been away from you, he's not going to love being away from you because he's barely done it.

Does he have friends at the moment? If you decided to HE you need to access groups and social activities where friendship bonds are formed.

@Yesitsweird I did want to go down the school route, and I’m not homeschooling because I’m against school or because I don’t want to work. I’m questioning it because of how extremely distressed my son is.
I’m also not sure I understand what you mean by “more enriching”. At four, I personally think there is enormous value in being with the people who love him most, spending time outdoors and in nature, making things, playing, exploring, going to the library, seeing his friends and cousins, and then coming home and helping me cook and choosing books together.
I’m not saying that school can’t offer those things too, or that school is inherently bad. I’m saying that I don’t believe being at home at four automatically means a child is missing out or having a less enriching childhood.
Also is doing the school run a positive thing for anybody??

All those things are nice, but they are leisure activities that most people do. My children do all of those things, then they go to school and learn to read, to do maths, they learn about science and history. They do little school plays for performance and do Christmas activities at Christmas. They learn how to get along with other children and make friends. They learn how to manage themselves, get their own water bottles if they are thirsty and let someone know they need the toilet. They learn emotional regulation.

Then in their 13 weeks holiday they laze about a bit more, spend a bit more time in nature and reading and go on holiday.

None of the things you have mentioned is only possible if you homeschool, and none of it replaces a good education. If you home educate you will need to sit them down and make them learn phonics and maths or they will be at a massive disadvantage in life. Why not take advantage of the free education available and build up your own life?

Me too. And I was the school bursar 😂.