Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Both my children struggled with the transition to school. They were in nursery from age 1 (and went through phases of struggling).

My eldest had to be peeled off me for a week and screamed every day. My youngest would only go into school if carried in by his teacher and would spend the first hour or so of the day on her lap.

It took time but they both got used to it and now have no problems. They’re 12 and 9 and I waved them both off this morning walking with friends.

Most children settle and will get into the routine soon.

I Would persevere. My kids are stubborn and know if I home educated they’d make it a battle somehow is better for them.

Take him in. You can’t have your life dictated by a 4 year old. DD1 was like this - we took her in pyjamas (and had school clothes in the car), screaming. Once she realised we meant business, and there wasn’t an alternative because we both worked, she settled down quite quickly. I think delaying school by a year would be worse - they don’t go into the cosy transition of Reception, but straight into more structured Year 1, and will also have the disadvantage of being behind.

He’s only done a couple of days - it’s very, very early on. You have to at least give him the time to settle. Frankly removing him from preschool has probably played a large part in where you are now so I would persevere because all it will do is make it harder for him to access social settings and educational settings if you leave it even longer.

I just read your update - what an incredibly stupid thing to have said!! If you found having both of them at home hard work and overwhelming then you know you are absolutely not cut out to homeschool. And what about when your youngest gets to school age? Will you have to deprive them of school just because you scared the eldest out of going?

You should not have started schooling before his 5th birthday. For this situation talk to his tutor.

I think focus on what is in your control OP - you can't necessarily control his reactions, but you can control the general narrative around going to school. My advice

• Watch 'Time for School' in BBC iplayer. It's kind of a documentary series for little kids showing actual school days for new reception starters. It's lovely and genuinely really helped my youngest know what to expect from school.
• Read books about school before bedtime - 'Starting School' by Janet Alberg is a classic and makes it seem super fun, as it focuses on all the fun classes they do (e.g., painting, dancing, christmas plays). It follows the kids from day 1 to christmas of their first year.

And don't be so hard on yourself. It's day 2 OP... DAY 2! If you started a new job, you'd still feel anxious and probably not fancy going at this stage. The difference is, kids don't feel the social pressure to hold it all in so they cry - us adults have learnt to push through. It's a great opportunity to help support him to become more resilient.

He will settle in time, but it's actually totally normal to be like this in the first few weeks/half-term especially for a child that hasn't been away from their parent much at all. Don't rush to pull him out yet, you need to give him time to find his feet a little.

Yes, but.

If you are scared of buttons aged 4 and so your mum says 'lets avoid buttons' and you are kept away from buttons, you are going to
A) think that buttons must be very dangerous and that you cannot possibly manage to be in a space with buttons
B) continue to be scared of buttons for ever

I am not suggesting that no accommodations are made, that buttons are shoved in his mouth to use your analogy. I suggest reading about buttons, talking about buttons, normalising that he is not the only person who feels scared of buttons. And then gradually increasing the exposure.

As I said before, it's not the job of a parent to avoid a child from ever feeling distress.

Now, are there some children, mainly neurodivergent children, who continue to find school overwhelming in terms of expectations on them, sensory overwhelm, etc? Of course there are, and it sounds like your child is one of them, which I am sorry about. But respectfully, there is no way we can be confident that OP's child is also one, given that:

• he's been in school for 2 days
• school has been used as a threat for bad behaviour
• last time he was distressed, he was taken out of the setting so that fear was 'resolved' by avoidance.

I do work in this field, fwiw.

Agree with this. As a veteran of having my child peeled off me screaming at school you have 3 choices OP:

1. Push through and enforce school as non negotiable. We did this, it was painful on and off throughout Reception year but by Year 1 DC was going in fine.
2. Change schools. The fact that you had issues with separation anxiety at preschool as well makes me think this probably wouldn't solve anything though.
3. Pull him out of school and either defer or homeschool. If you intend to defer and try school again, you will need a plan to address the separation anxiety or you are just kicking the can down the road.

There isn't a single right answer, you are the expert in your child and your family setup. Homeschooling wasn't an option for us because we needed two incomes and I don't think I could have done it mentally.

I think 4 is too young for a boy to be going to school full time.

with my lot, and yes hindsight is fabulous, I started them in a preschool type set up once a week from 2 onwards. Next year upped it to 2 days, and by they were 4, 3 days a week plus toddler music appreciation hour on another day with me.

that sort of got them into a social situation gradually. I think you ate putting your boy in too fast and too soon .

does the school or alternative offer a part time programme ?

I think two things have happened. I think the biggest one is that his issue at preschool was because children didn’t want to play with him. I do just wonder if that was addressed. Some 3/4 year olds really really struggle with being left out and not being allowed to play. I’ve honestly been at class parties with my 4 year old and ran over in panic to screaming children I thought were hurt to be told it’s because they have been told no by someone else. I do wonder what was done to help him understand that not everyone will play with him if that’s what everything stemmed from. Also teach him things to do if someone says he can’t play. Daniel Tiger has fab episodes about that if you are looking for a visual.
in terms of separating read the invisible string every night and properly talk about it. Draw a heart of his hand and your hand and tell him to touch it during the day when he feels scared or worried and then you tell him you’ll touch it when you miss him. Then you pick him up and say ‘did you feel your heart when I touched it?!’ And he’ll get all excited about it.
This is all to say I’m not anti home schooling. But only if you are committed, have the funds and time to give him everything you need.
I also feel you should actually apologise to him for threatening him with school when he was acting up. Kids understand.

who is ruling your home? Who is the parent? Children shouldn't be given adult responsibilities nor have adult choices. What are you teaching that child except "if I have a tantrum, I don't have to do it"? Come on love. Big girl panties here

My son was like this. Differed him for a year. He spent a lot of time with my dad and in laws while I was working and did a day with a child minder. When he did start he did kick off a bit the first few days but I literally picked him up and dragged him in. He was fine by half term - literally buzzing to go.

Differing him was a good decision for us, and in that year I did a lot of kind of home school adjacent work with him so he could read, write and do maths (his maths was probably strongest but I’m a maths teacher so it would be). My dad also took him out a lot of kind of gave him lessons in making friends? Like talked about how to start a conversation, showed him how to get the bus and pay for stuff himself, showed him how to do some stuff independently. This really really helped him! The only down side is he’s spent so much time with my dad he speaks like an old geezer.

He’s only 4 I’d give it another year.

Exactly an extra year can make all the difference at that age.

Probably also should have mentioned that we think my son is autistic. I am autistic (diagnosed as a teen) but he does all the stuff I used to do and has basically the exact same struggles. School refusal doesn’t always mean SEN, but it often does.

My son has not yet been diagnosed but he is in the process and it’s looking like a yes. The school have been amazing with him and have given him a lot of support without the diagnosis but I know a lot of schools can’t do that.

If I was you I’d differ for a year and just kind of keep an eye out and have a think about if he could be neurodivergent. He might just be a bit fussy, but it’s good to know ahead and get the support in place.

In both my children's classes, the children I remember struggling for ages (about two per class) had been to nursery while both parents worked. So don't blame yourself for doing things wrong. There were a mix of SAHM, part time and full time working parents.

He absolutely does not have to go to school. He has to get an education. The default education is actually Home Education and school is opt in. Sometimes school works and the education can be excellent. Sometimes it doesn’t. As for a previous poster who made a derogatory comment about the child making decisions for the family, well I assume he is a member of said family and therefore his needs and views should carry some weight yes. It’s not Victorian times where children should be seen and not heard.
I will say Home Education is hard. It’s extremely relentless especially if you have more than one and or any special but it’s also liberating and can be great fun as you choose when, where and how. It’s also important to figure out how your child learns best so there’s a lot of planning and documenting which you have to fit in around all other life stuff.

Ah poor thing what a horrible situation. When is he 5? Would school allow half days or part time attendance for a while until he settles? I would worry if you take him out completely it will be a nightmare again when he reaches compulsory school age.
It is very common for some children to take a while to settle but the usual advice is to keep taking them and drop them off with minimal fuss in the mornings, most settle down quite quickly.
In my experience most children are tired and can regress behaviour wise for the first few weeks of starting reception, so the fact that he’s tired coming home may not mean he’s been unhappy all day.
Has he said what he’s worrying about?

I too have worked closely with many young people experiencing anxiety and school refusal.

In at least 90% of cases, it’s the parents anxiety that has caused it (not intentionally).

These parents are not bad parents, they love and care for their children and just worry about them a lot.

There is some sort of correlation between the rise in technology (Internet/phones) and anxiety of adults.

You only have to look at threads on here asking whether people track their partners phone.
The amount of them who admit they don’t just have the tracker, they actively regularly check it to apparently know when to put their dinner on, to see if they’re stuck in traffic etc.

There was a thread just the other day complaining about schools banning phones in case the child needs to get hold of the parent.

I know I am guilty of worrying that my DC will lose their phones and not be able to contact me, which is ridiculous because we never had phones when we were young but still managed to get home ok.

Its the easiest time in history to be able to contact someone and yet we’re at the most anxious we’ve ever been about it.

Contemplating pulling your child out of school after only 2 days is not healthy and not going to help the child in the long run.
At the very least, start with a reduced timetable or going in a bit earlier etc.

I've had a reluctant school attendee, he's got SEN but at the point he was reluctant it was due to anxiety.
With the age he is I would go gradually. If you can take some unpaid leave from work do that, and start slowly, don't rush to be on time, it's fine if it is PJs but don't make a fuss and don't show you are worried. Easier said than done!
Go in with him if they let you, keep it short and build up. End on success each day and have a relaxed day.
If he starts going for longer and they think he's upset don't go and get him though. He needs to learn that he can persist through being upset and that feeling anxious is not bad for him, he doesn't need to avoid feeling anxious.

You’ve already taken him out of preschool after one incident, so if you take him out of school now, what’s that going to teach him?
I totally appreciate it’s awful when they’re wrenched from you screaming but it’s only been two days!
Unfortunately, because of your comment back in April, he now thinks he’s being punished by going to school. I think you should explain that to the school staff and come up with a plan such as a soft start. That might be taking a Teddy to school with him or the TA encouraging him to help get things ready etc.
I really don’t think it’s in anyone’s best interest to pull him out and homeschool at the moment because it’s far too early days.

Its really difficult and I feel for you OP but teachers have a lot of experience with this so maybe take their advice?
Home school if you really think its the best thing to do rather than the easiest at this point BUT every year there are kids like this for the first term or so and they all settle down after a while. I still remember one of DS's friends doing it every day until mid February - it was really hard to see but he was ok eventually

My four year old was at home with me until he was 3 and a half, then did a few months very part time at preschool.
After 2 settles, we tried the “rip the band aid” approach for his first day in alone, and it really didn’t work, he was terrified and a mess.
The preschool luckily let me do three more settles with him, and that was enough for him to build trust with the environment and teachers.

I know school is different, and you can’t come in with him, but is there any way the school can faciliatate a more gentle start so he can build up trust?
Like visiting before or after school hours with you, the teacher doing a home visit, making resources to teach him the school day routine, videos of the teaches reading stories, having a one to one morning routine with a teaching assistant so the morning is predictable and the same each day, slowly building up to going in for a full day etc.

I always remember we used to drop them off in the play ground at the back of each classroom.

My DDs teacher told me to go with the TA around the front of the school and look in through the other door.

My DD was crying her eyes out when I dropped her off.
By the time I walked around the building, in through the main entrance and to her classroom she was laughing and playing like it was nothing.

I literally had visions of her sitting in the corner being traumatised every day and the teacher said most of the kids cry when they arrive and within minutes it’s all forgotten about and they’re playing with their favourite toys.
Then they might cry when they see you at pick up and so you think they’ve been miserable all day when they haven’t.