Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

they wont offer much at this stage. If you don't need him at school, why not delay him starting reception until next year? At 4, they don't need to be in school, and learning through play for as long as possible is better.

You need to look at the big picture. What will be better for your son in the long term? Lots of children take a while to settle into school and don't want to go in at first. They all find it exhausting. They all have days when something upsets them. That doesn't mean you give up on the whole thing. He really won't thank you for it when he is older. He needs to get an education and he needs to be with other children his own age.

Ah @Anonymous23458d it must be difficult.

You say he was in pre-school, so was this recently? only you say he has been at home with you for “the last few years” was that a typo for months? Or was it a nursery (ie childcare) setting?

I ask bc it kind of depends how long ago it was. If it was actually a few years ago then I would view school as a fresh start for him and maybe talk it up in that way – don't ref the previous issue at all (I mean you may well not be and apologies if you are all over this!).

I agree @Octavia64's suggestions are very good. The task to occupy him and something to remind him of you and home while he is in school.

What do school say about how he is in the day? Is he playing with others, enjoying the toys, having fun? Reception class really is about playing.

ETA I agree btw with those who say the decision to HE should be one based on it being a good idea, being feasible in financial and other ways fore your family, being the best thing for your DC – not bc they don't seem happy in the first week at school. And I speak a someone who knows a lot of HE YP who have done really well, so I am not in any way against it (even tho I taught in school and my own DC went to schools).

I am a Reception teacher and there are always tears at the start. Children can get incredibly distressed in the moment but it generally tends to pass pretty quickly. The more that parents hover and get upset themselves, the more drawn out and confusing it is for the children. In my experience, the band aid approach is the best. I too have had to unpeeled children from their mums but I cuddle them and play with them and 15 minutes later they are all full of smiles and love their day! Until the next day, when it happens again and a few more days after that until they get used to it and know they will have a good time and will see their parents later.

I think you should go with the band aid approach but keep close communication with the school. If he is settling after a short space of time, then keep going and it will get better. If you do the quick, cheerful exit with a confident 'goodbye, love you, I'll be back with a nice snack for you later' and just leave, and he still doesn't settle then you can work with the school to see if he can do shorter hours to begin with. But don't write it off totally. Give it a chance.

Last year, I was physically attacked by a child trying to run out the door after his mum in a state of total hysteria on the first day, and he ended up being one of the happiest, most settled, enthusiastic children in the class!

Don't give up.

Yep. But mine was at the school door. I pushed DS and the teachers had to pull him over the line.

I was never going to home school. I had to work

Took a few weeks but then no problem

Have you looked at the tickle star technique? Put a lovely heart on their hand and when they needed a hug they would move it and it would tickle you or vice versa. Can't remember but I am a believer in needs must.

Child went to school. End of.

But kids also have to learn that mot everyone will like them and kids can be upsetting. Have they done other social activities? Play dates anything which has good and bad things.

You don't want child to learn to kick off and for things to change and not have to go. Still early days though and some schools offer long settling in.

You are being controlled by a 4 year old? However you got into that situation it is certainly not too late to sort it out. 4 year old do as theyvare told, willingly or unwillingly, and " giving in" is. reating a .monster that will continue to be just that, a self centred monster for the rest of its life. Tackle it,start now and brook no more nonsense.

I was also going to suggest that you think about deferring him for a year? I may be old fashioned but I think that 4 is very young to start school. Mine did not start until they were 5 and I think that year makes such a difference. It would also give you time to prepare him for school.

How long would you be able to home educate for? You may just be moving the issue further down the line. You may not. Are you thinking about starting again next year with him going into reception again?? When was he 4? Depending on this you may struggle to get school or the local authority to agree to this and they might insist he stays with his current peer group and go into year 1. Your current school are also under no obligation to hold a place for him if you decide to off roll him.
I’m not saying don’t do it but be aware of the different issues the decision may create.

I think most children ho through this phase but it usually happens a little earlier.

Both of mine suddenly decided they didn't want to go to pre school at differing stages. For one I think it was the chaos going in, for the other it was a clingy phase.

Both got over it.

Your son hasn't really had this and he's still quite young so I don't think it's particularly unusual in itself, just showing at a slightly different stage.

Can he go in just after the bell so it's quieter? Try playing a game on the walk to distract him and then straight through the door, no hanging around to get progressively more upset..

I think you also need to try not to show your anxiety or upset around it because he will pick up on it.

You need to be the strong one here, he will be absolutely fine and is probably picking up on your emotions partly. It's just all new and tiring and a big change, but you won't help him by keeping him home. You need to make the morning routine as low key as possible, no big long goodbyes etc.

You have options.
If he's 4, you can wait until he's older.
You could formally home educate.
You can continue to try at this school.
You could look for a much smaller school.

The first question is do you genuinely want to home educate? If you do, that's an option. If not, then you need to work out how best to help him. Do you always have to do drop off? He might be less upset if it's not you.

This is so hard. I have been through it with both of my kids and it’s horrible.
my eldest took years to totally settle going to school, he was diagnosed with autism at age 10. He is generally fine now but does still have the odd wobble.
My youngest, we have since removed from school to home educate as it was affecting him so badly, both physically and mentally. He is much happier now.

However, I think you really need to think about what you think is best for him. Do you prefer the thought of him at school or do you prefer the thought of home education? While I’m not an advocate for home education and really wish we had done it sooner it’s a huge lifestyle change and commitment so I’d recommend doing further research into the groups in your area and what exactly is involved. In the meantime give it a bit more time maybe? It’s very early days, although I will say, we had teachers pull my son from me frequently and it isn’t something I would allow again, I regret it hugely. And don’t always trust the teachers when they say the child is fine once they are there. In my son’s case at least that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Masking is a real thing!

The thing is OP hes never really had to bit apart from you or in a formal childcare setting which you describe as being years ago and only for a few months.

He will find it hard because it’s different to anything he’s known before. You’ll also find it hard because it’s very different for you too.

You need to give it more time. School work hard to get children to be able to talk about their feelings at this age. Is he sad? scared? Or angry? If so why.

My DS had a hard time settling, he’d only just turned 4 when he started school. It probably took him more than a term to get his head round it but overall in that school year he did so well, he’s grown up so much and learnt so much I’m glad we didn’t pull him out early days.

You don't have to send your child until the term after they turn five Email and say you would like to do staggered starts. It doesn't need to be confrontational but it's either that or you wait.

Is he summer born? I know there's options to defer and he go to nursery for a full year, but Id imagine it's too late for that now.

Does he understand why he’s going to school? Phases in your post like "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." suggest he thinks he’s been sent away for being naughty or you don’t want him around and he doesn’t understand school is for his benefit so he can be learn and improve his reading, writing, drawing, counting, music, <skills he enjoys> etc so he can be a clever and accomplished boy.

More intro to school and more “selling” of how lucky and fortunate he is to be going to school and learning may help? Something to be excited about! How have you sold it up to now?

I only had 2 or 3 weeks of youngest hating school and it still makes me cry to think about that time - he's a teen now!

When did he turn 4?

I really think you should do staggered starts. An hour a day. My past headteacher who was fab said you could take as long as you want to settle,but couldn't ever go back down. So do an hour as long as you want, do half days as long as you want, do just until after lunch as long as you want.but never ever go back and reduce or they learn they can chop and change.

This!!!

My ds1 was a bit like this. I persevered. I didn’t have a choice. - when he was in y1 I became a single parent and couldn’t home educate because I had to work. It slowly got better although he never LOVED school but I always got him there. He finished primary school in July and passed all his SATS. He has a small but nice group of friends. He’s just started y7 - secondary school and to my amazement has been going by himself with a friend. I’m sure there will be blips in the future but being able to home educate is a luxury.

Have you got a DH/DP who could support the start at school for a couple of days? It’s a lot for you to deal with

What have you done to try and help him? This might help people respond so that they're not repeating things you have already done.

I definitely wouldn't jump straight to home educating after two days though, I'd be doing everything I could to try and find the root cause of the problem. Could be that he's had a similar interpersonal issue with another child like he did in nursery and would benefit from an adult talking him through it so he can understand ways of coping.

It sounds like it's been a few years since he spent much time away from you? It's not unusual for kids to find the separation hard at first, whatever age it happens. Going from probably fairly chill days with family to being surrounded by 30 strangers for 6 hours is tiring. Even adults often feel wiped out when they start a new job.

Pulling him out after 2 days may reinforce that school is hard and tiring. If you did then want to send him back to school in the future, you may just be kicking the can down the road.

Speaking to the teacher about ways to ease the transition may be better in the long run.

I’m going to be quite blunt in that you can’t make the world revolve around your child, and you can’t change negative emotions into positive ones by allowing the world to revolve around them.

Obviously its very sad to hear that your little boy is distressed and I can’t imagine the worry you are feeling, but in the absence of significant SEN or disability, he goes to school and he learns that it is not an option. Pulling him out of preschool over a negative reaction is the same thing – you have shown him that you will fix negativity by allowing the world to revolve around it.

Whatever you decide I wouldn’t bring him in PJs or have them peel him off you screaming. - both will do more harm than good. He’ll stop feeling safe and trusting you. I really regret leaving my child distraught at school (a bit upset may be ok, completed distressed really isn’t!).
Home Ed if you want to or it appeals to you. If not start asking school to put more support in place. They could try giving 1:1 support, special activities on arrival, different entrance, specific ‘jobs’ or a later start/ shorter days/or flexi school.

Could you try arranging a meet up at home / play date with another child in the class so that your son has a particular friend he’s excited to go & see or can walk in with?

feel for you OP xxx