Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

With all due respect though, he has only been to school twice. He's barely had a chance to know what school is.

If every parent yanked their child out of school because they were upset after only 2 days then not many kids would be left. It is completely normal and doesn't necessarily mean traumatised for life.

For some children school feels very dangerous

And many schools actually make things worse for these children by forcing too much too soon before the child can manage

So with your button example
Your scared of buttons but rather than slowly reducing sensitivity the buttons are thrown at you, pushed into your skin and mouth. This is going to make your fear worse not better.

Incidentally, some people are not scared of snakes and not all snakes are dangerous

This behaviour is absolutely to be expected if he has not really attended any kind of setting before - it's not a reason not to send him to school.

Why the heck should have attended some "kind of setting" before? Small children do not need to attend "settings" unless there is noone at home to care for them.

One question I don't see asked is where in the year OP's DS sits. Is he a Summer child, or at the older end of the year? It often makes a difference in terms of maturity.

@Anonymous23458d what is done is done in the past. You need to try to start creating a positive association with school, talking about it positively and, unfortunatelt, try what the school is asking as it'll be informed by many kids. If it doesn't, work with them and come up with ideas together. Be proactive rather than reactive.

It sounds like you might be struggling yourself, which could be playing into this. What are you finding most difficult? Have you sought any help? If not, it's worth looking into it.

Sounds like his crying got you to leave him at home and his trying the same thing. Worth giving it a bit more time to see if he settles or asking the school if half days are an option for week 1?

I had the same issue with my daughter when she was in reception. She did go to preschool, but Covid hit and everything shut down so she hadn’t been away from me for 6 months. She was also starting school during Covid regulations where we couldn’t enter the classroom or speak to the teachers in person. I did end up taking her in her pyjamas a few times and eventually found that she was better if I dropped her to a family member and they took her for a few weeks as she didn’t have the same separation anxiety me leaving her with them and then them leaving her with school. I’m happy we persisted as after a few weeks I went back to dropping her off and everything was fine

Nope not always accurate.
In our case we wanted child to go to preschool they had Terrible reaction to the environment resulting in severe eczema that only cleared up once we removed them from nursery. For months after they would become noticeable distressed if near the nursery.

They could not cope with school at all despite us following all advice. We pulled them out when their mental health was so bad and they were self harming.
School caused them so much distress and damage. But we were told to keep going. Children have become suicidal and lost lives due to people insisting parents have to force their child into school.

Incidentally, my child has no issues going to other environments. School isn't the right place for every child.

At this stage OP likely has things they can try to resolve the child's school fear and he may settle and be happy but their are options if school isn't the right place for him.

To prepare for school. Keeping them at home and then throwing them in at the deep end at 4 when starting school is likely going to be a massive shock.

Which is why I said in my previous post that they should try a reduced slow integration with negotiation with school
But it's important mum knows that for some children school isn't right

I bet you gave it more than 2 days though? School is a safe place for lots of children but op has treated it like it is a punishment to go there so her is needs to learn that isn't necessarily the case

Many, many of the teenagers who develop severe agrophobia and end up NEET have parents who allow them to avoid anything uncomfortable,

I worked for CAMHS and this is simply alarmist.

This mother is trying to make the right decision for her child, whom she knows best, and who might simply be too young for formal school. It is not a matter of avoiding anything uncomfortable. I am sure she will help him to deal with life's challenges in the context of her understanding of his personality.
Sometimes we ask too much of small children and fail to recognise the social pressures that simply go against their true natures.

But the shock is the same when you put them in any setting prior to that!

Wow, the teacher is brutal. Hes a 4 year old who's never really away from his mother before. When mine started school I was driven mad by a 4 week soft start, starting with 2 hours and very very slowly working up to full days.
Talk to the head, ask what they can do to help your DS integrate. They'll have years of experience of this. You have work with them to show how fun reception is. And if its not fun, move schools. It should be fun.

If you aren't going to homeschool then children start school and everyone knows that generally happens at 4 or closer to 5 if on the older side. To me it is no different than doing other things to help prepare them for school and making sure they can separate from me is one of those things.

Oh lord, poor OP. She's now been told that her child will have severe mental health problems and/or be a NEET whether she sends the little bugger to school or not.

For what it's worth, and I had a school screamer with autism, I'd persevere but ask for a gentler transition with short hours for the next few weeks.

Threads like this do tend to get taken over by posters with an agenda. Some anti school / anti any sort of childcare, some anti home ed and some just anti parents and wanting to give the OP a hard time.

I hope she can reach an agreement and understanding with the school.

Well yes but if I could go back knowing what I know now I wouldn't have waited so long.

Nothing positive came from the experience and it only causes my child more problems

My 4 year old has been in full time nursery for about 2.5 years, and started at 2 days a week at 11 months. We have already had several ‘where am I going today’ ‘ you’re going to school’ ‘not again I don’t want to go’ etc even when they have been in nursery it is still a big adjustment but home schooling is a big big commitment you have to be confident you can actually teach your child. But he’s not yet 5 there is still time for work this out

I fully understand where you are coming from.I have been the teacher with the child that finds it so hard. Perhaps with the agreement of the school you could start gradually where you stay with him and he does for example one hour. You then build up to a couple of hours and then you leave after one hour etc . It might take a good few weeks but I do think this might be a better way forward than home schooling. If the school are in agreement to the idea look at when would be the best time. I would think independent play would be best as you could join in the play and help foster friendships which will help. If the school agrees I would ask them to guide you with tasks to do at home so he is not missing out on learning.
Best of luck to you both.

It’s not the law. Legally he does not have to be in school until he is five.

Ask the school for a soft start- that is, when he comes in he goes to a breakfast club or playroom to reduce his anxiety. Or have his class teacher or TA meet him at the entrance. Even though it's heartbreaking for you, he won't be the first child starting school who has had these issues
I agree with the other that asking for a part time timetable to ease him into school. You could pick him up at lunchtime and then gradually increase the time

You also mention that home has been a bit stressful with several changes. This can feed a small child's anxiety and it's important you reassure him that home is safe, Mum is safe and this is not a punishment for his 'bad behaviour'.

You created this problem when you pulled him out of pre-school. Now w you have to persevere with getting him to go to school. Do you plan to home school till he’s 18? He needs to learn that he can survive without you and you need to learn to let go.

To me it is no different than doing other things to help prepare them for school and making sure they can separate from me is one of those things.
There are gentle ways of preparing a child for separation that do not involve a "setting." Have a friend over, play together, then pop out for half an hour. The child is in a familiar setting with a familiar person which is the best way to learn that Mum will come back. Then gradually extend this in different ways, in different places, for gradually increasing lengths of time.

It’s only been 2 days, so I’d definitely give it more time.

Loads of kids cry at drop off but then they forget about it and enjoy the day - this is key - is he being upset all day or just 10mins after you leave?

Also most 4yos have a staggered start where they only go in for the morning for a couple of days and then it increases.
Has this been done?
If not, perhaps speak to the teacher and ask for it.

Are you obviously anxious dropping him off?
Do you hesitate to leave him or spend lots of time fussing over him?

But you also shouldn't beat yourself up about not having a crystal ball when your child was younger. Many children react like the OP's little boy. Some will continue to have problems, some won't. It's within the range of normal, and doesn't mean he will struggle with it lifelong. Two days is too early to take extreme measures.

(I contemplated home ed for one of mine, so I sympathise. School was the better option for him, but it took a while to get right.)