Four year old refusing school start, considering homeschooling and feeling overwhelmed

[Anonymous23458d]

My son is 4 and has just started school. He has been in for two days, but today he absolutely refused to go in.
He hid under his bed, screaming and crying, saying that he hates school and begging me not to send him. The last two mornings have also been incredibly difficult. On both days, he was crying and clinging to me, and the teacher eventually had to pull him off me while he was screaming. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
When I collected him after his full day, he looked so pale and exhausted. He complained of a headache and honestly looked like a shell of my usual happy boy. I spent the entire day worrying about him and found it really difficult to function.
He did attend preschool for around five months. Before starting preschool he was always a very sociable, confident little boy. He loved being around other children. But something happened one day at preschool where he said that a girl/friend had left him out, and after that he completely changed. He started refusing to go and would cry for the entire day while he was there. I eventually took him out because he never seemed to settle back into it.
Since then, he has essentially been at home with me and his little brother for the last few years. He is still a very sociable child. He has friends outside of school, goes to the park every day and sees his friends there, and also sees his cousins regularly. So it's not that he doesn't enjoy being around people – he seems to struggle specifically with being separated from me and being in a school environment.
The teacher has suggested that if he refuses to get dressed, I should just bring him in his pyjamas, but I honestly don't know if I can go through another morning of him being physically pulled away from me screaming and crying. It feels absolutely awful.
I'm now wondering whether homeschooling might be the right option for him. I had hoped to start picking up some of my self-employed work again, but at the moment that doesn't seem possible. Obviously I also worry about whether taking him out would make things worse in the long run.
I know some people will say that because I took him out of preschool previously, he may have learned that if he refuses enough, I'll eventually take him out, and that I'm not helping him build resilience. I completely understand that perspective. But at the same time, I don't want to force him through something that is genuinely causing him this much distress and potentially break his confidence or spirit.
He keeps saying things like, "Please don't send me, Mummy. I'll be good. I hate it." It absolutely breaks my heart.
Has anyone experienced anything similar with their 4 yo?
I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through this. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

How was today’s drop off @Anonymous23458d

I’m not sure the OP wants to keep engaging, Blondes, I don’t blame her.

@Blondeshavemorefun I didnt take him. He was hiding and refusing again. The head of year was supposed to call me yesterday to discuss a transition and never did and the same again today. They seem to want me to just bring him in at the normal time and drop him in whatever state and have him pulled off me again. I don't want to put him through it again without a meeting about what we can do make the transition easier for him. I wanted to discuss taking him in just for the morning.

Sorry to hear that. Yes the school ideally needs to come up with a plan but the class teacher also has 29 others to sort out at the same time

Unless you are seriously going to home school both your children till they are 18 , you need to take ds to school and let him settle in

Yes it's horrible leaving them crying but it's easier for the teacher to cope/distract them as they have done this for years with many children

Mini blondes is now 9 , she didn't start pre school till 3 and due to Covid 2020 , she literally got pushed through the door of pre school , crying for me and I had to leave her

She knew no one there - never seen/been inside - and really her first time of being away from me

Tho she had many toddler friends and played with them , I was always there

I think she cried most days at drop off till half term - which broke my heart and the first day I did cry walking home

But she didn't see me upset.

but once dropped off /20mins later she was always happy playing

They rang me to tell me she had settled which helped so I wasn't wondering how she was

So I knew it was right to carry on and weeks later yes went happily

So I do understand how you feel

Obv what you said to DS didn't help - but you can't change that

Hopefully with a little bit of time he will settle easier there

But continue to take him. Explain what will happen. And what will happen when you collect

Maybe a trip to park if local - read a book with you - colouring - feed ducks. Etc and bring a snack

Tell him everyone goes to school. Say that you and daddy /nanny /uncle Bob etc all did

That school is a happy place. To make friends
And do fun things

You did 2 days and that's nothing in the grand scheme of things

But I understand you want ways to make easier

Can you email the teacher - se what they suggest - going in few mins earlier /having a job to help teacher

Did he cry /be unhappy the whole 6hrs there - or did he play a bit

It will get easier 💐💐

I find that in these situations, you need to tell them what you're doing rather than ask. Don't worry about seeming bossy, you'll already be spoken about - your child comes first.

When is your sons birthday.

Thank you for everyone's responses I really appreciate the advice. He turns 5 the 2nd week of Jan. @mullers1977

So you could defer his start until New Year but as one of the eldest a full year delay may be more difficult and he might feel more isolated as the newbie. Is he genuinely upset in the mornings or has his hiding become a bit of a game. How are you reacting when he refuses to get dressed? What does he think you are doing without him there? Maybe he fears missing out but if he thought the day was dull and school day more interesting.

So you’ve just reinforced that if he plays up, you will give in and keep him home 🤷🏻‍♀️

the school are obviously seeing this as a teething issue but actually he has had separation anxiety before. Why don’t you send him mornings until Christmas. You are legally allowed to do this and it is not up to school. It’s your decision not theirs. They hate it because of the funding but that’s their issue so they won’t say to you that you can do this however you just can. Just write an email informing them that you will be picking up at 12pm. Take him in, let them peel him off again and then pick up at 12. Have a nice lunch and try to talk about what went well. Repeat this daily and he will settle.

It’s all a bit of a mess isn’t it. OP used going to school as a threat, now understandably child doesn’t want to go. Child has never really been away from mum. Child refuses to go so OP doesn’t take him.

OP next time I would wait for him to calm down and do things to your own pace and take him into school later on. Even if what you do is wait until the office with him until you can talk to someone about it.

Just opting out isn’t the answer here unless you genuinely want to home school which I think lots of people have asked and I’m not sure you’ve replied to.

You need to toughen up. Kids go to school and he will get used to it

stop letting him control you. He will get the message soon enough

i know it’s hard and it’s heartbreaking but it’s school, not a concentration camp. They have fun in reception and it’s good for social skills

send him in wearing PJs and stick his uniform in the bag

reward him somehow at the end of each week
reassure him anf shower with love but dont let him rule you

Sorry OP but the more failed attempts you have, the harder it’s going to be. He knows that if he refuses then you will let him stay at home. You are also reinforcing that there is something for him to be scared about. You need to control your own anxiety about this - you need to give him the confidence that he can cope with it even if he finds it difficult at first.

Have you got anyone that can look after your other DC the first few mornings so you can just focus on this one? It doesn’t matter if he goes to school late, take him to the school office at whatever time you can get him there.

What does he do all day when you let him stay at home?

Is his dad around? Could he take him to school for a few days? Some kids are significantly different with another parent.

It's a shame you didn't go in today with him - in my experience, things can change massively on a day to day basis. Some kids just suddenly realise its okay and safe, or they realise the recognise X person and feel a bit less anxious.

I would have taken him in today. No need to drag him off you, but you could have explained to him you'll wait with him and both chat to the teacher at drop off together. They're usually pretty accommodating if you tell them what you need (e.g., we need to come in a bit later/earlier so its less scary for DC). Sometimes arriving early works wonders - DC gets 1:1 time with teacher for a few mins and its quicker for them to make that connection. It's also less manic as teacher isn't trying to get 27 other kids in and settled at the same time. I've not known a school to refuse this, so just ask.

It's heartbreaking when they are scared, but we're here to support them and model how to approach anxious situations. We can't always just avoid things we don't like or make us uncomfortable - it's good for him to see you acknowledging the scary situation, and being the adult to help him figure it out (e.g., talking to the teacher about things you'd like that'll help).

Of course he was, he knew you wouldn't take him if he made a fuss and he was right.

He will be 5 in January so isn't even a young 4 and unless you do homeschool him, he has to go to school at some point and giving in is just telling him that there is something to fear.

You need to be strong and not give in.

Lots of kids go through this, so the staff probably don’t want to jump straight to extra measures when most kids are fine after a couple of days

Does he know anyone else in the school? Even an older child?

I saw he has a little brother and so he’s probably feeling like he’s missing out when he goes.
He just needs something to look forward to but it’s a vicious cycle as he needs to actually go in to start enjoying it.

If you send him in the mornings until Christmas, he will literally be away from you for 3 hours a day, learning some phonics and maths.

I suspect you have anxiety about him going and that is dictating a lot of this. So what if he doesn't want to go and cries in the morning, it's literally 3 hours doing something educational with other 4 year olds.

@LIZS I just do a normal day with the kids. Breakfast. Go out to a park in the morning or forest they make dens. Lunch time my youngest has a nap and me and the eldest have been working through a writing book or we play a game. Then library and make tea ..
Just what we have been doing for almost the last four years.

So he's learnt if he kicks off, he stays home with mummy's attention all day.

I'd make home BORING AF for a bit. No trips, no tv, you're too busy getting on with jobs. The little one won't care and maybe he'll see school as more fun.

You really do need to get him there.

My 5 year old was like this, he hated preschool. Eventually he stopped crying but he never loved going. Nursery was a hard transition for a month but he LOVED reception and became really confident. Now we are in year 1 and have morning tears nut I am just continuing to persevere.

Sounds lovely for the current situation

Agree. It may seem harsh but if he gets played within in return for not going to school he won’t see any attraction to going. He needs to know that he can be good and go to school, which might be where a reward system comes in, That time should be focussed on dc2 and any chores you need to do, not entertaining him. Is there some mum guilt involved, behind the reasons for your move etc. When does dc2 get the one to one time he had? If you were working out of the home there would be no choice. Is there anyone else who could take him to school for you to help him get settled into a more positive routine.

As others have said I think you need to stop doing all the fun stuff during school hours. Yes the school should be supporting you but you need to be talking to your child and trying to shift his perspective. Talk to him about why he doesn't want to go and turn everything into a positive. You'll miss Mummy? But Mummy is going to be so excited to hear about all the fun things you will do at school when she picks you up! You're worried about other children? That's okay, we don't have to be friends with everyone but you will definitely find some friends there, and you can always tell the teacher if you need help.

It's the only way. He's 4, he simply doesn't have the tools to regulate himself.

OP I think you are expecting too much of him.
You are expecting a four year old who has spent nearly all his time with you to skip into school happy.
You are expecting a four year old whose mum is anxious not to be anxious.
You are expecting a four year old whose mum kept him home, reinforcing that school is scary, to go to school happily.

You need to talk to him about school as being a fun, exciting place. And then just take him and leave him. You need to be the adult here and help him.
If he is upset for long in the class they will call you. No teacher wants a distraught child in the classroom. But most children settle quickly.
And then keep doing it. He slowly will learn school is not scary and he can have fun.